Why You Never Break No Contact After She Rejects You

Why you should never break no-contact after she rejects you.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who saw a girl dancing at a club a few times before working up the courage to talk to her and ask her out. They had a date and spent 17 hours together, but he chickened out on trying to seduce her. She texted him a few days later rejecting him. He saw her at the club a few days later and reached out.

He wonders if it was a mistake. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This email is from a viewer who saw a girl dancing at a club a few times. I guess he bumped into her, danced a little bit, but never really said anything to her. Then it was like probably the third or fourth time he had seen her, he finally worked up the courage to talk to her, asked her out. They had a date, spent 17 hours together, but as he said, he kind of chickened out on trying to seduce her. So a few days after he had his date, he was like, “Oh, I’m going to call her up, text her,” whatever, make another date, but she reached out to him to basically say she wasn’t feeling it. So he said, “Hey, well let me know if you change your mind,” or whatever. Then a few days go by or a week goes by, I think he saw her in the club again like a week later, and then he broke no-contact, and her response was a little snarky. Now he’s wondering, “Oh, did I screw up?”

So the purpose of no-contact is you’ve walked away from the negotiating table. In other words, a deal is not possible. You want sex and romance, she doesn’t. As a man, you don’t stand around trying to change your mind. You just move on to somebody else who is excited to spend time with you. You give the greatest gift you can give anybody, is a gift of your time. So you give it to people that are excited to have you, not people that don’t want anything to do with you. So when you stay engaged with somebody and you keep pursuing them after they’ve said no, all it does is you submit yourself in the friend-zone because, in essence, by her saying “friends only,” she’s not feeling it. You continue pursuing her, to her you’re acquiescing to friendship only, and if there’s any chance that she’s interested, that’s why no-contact is going to give you the best chance for those feelings to creep back up and for her to potentially reach back out.

Maybe she goes out on a few dates with other dudes and it doesn’t go well, or they don’t treat her well and she thinks, “Oh, what about Bob? Haven’t heard from him in a few weeks. He was a nice guy. Maybe I judged him too harshly. Maybe I should give him another chance.” She talks to her girlfriends about that. She hasn’t heard from you. She goes and checks your social media. Looks like life has just continued on as normal. Then she reaches out, and it’s her idea since she reached out to you. Then the date typically will happen after that, but if you break no-contact, you get in the way of those feelings develop and she goes, “Yeah, I’m not really not feeling it,” and it just further cements in her mind that she made the right decision by ditching you.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach, 

I’ve picked up your book last December and have been reading it diligently since February. I’m on my 14th read.  My dating has dramatically improved this year but of course making some mistake. I’m learning each new encounter.

Well, as the great Aristotle said, “Excellence is not a singular act. It is a habit,” and you are what you do repeatedly.

It’s like Lyla, one of the things she does is just, everything’s quiet and all of a sudden, she just barks for no reason.

This new one was a first in test of frame and what to do. I was wondering if i could get some guidance further:

I, recently while dancing, met a girl who I’ve spoke to several times before.

Well remember, if there’s chemistry and you click, shoot your shot. If you hesitate, you’ll tend to masturbate, but it’s not the end of the world. It can actually work to your advantage in a case like this, because if you’re taken, what are you going to do? You’re going to talk. “Hey, how are you?” You’ll be nice. You’ll be friendly. You’re giving off a total non-hungry vibe, but if you got nothing going on, it works to your advantage if you keep her guessing, or it can, I should say.

If she can tell you really like her, you keep coming up to her, talking to her and then there’s like a moment of silence and he’s like, “Oh, I gotta ask for the phone number,” he gets all in his head. Conversation kind of dies. She could tell he wants to say something or get the number, but he doesn’t do it. He doesn’t pull the trigger. He chickens out. Then over the course of several weeks, you come up to her three or four times doing the same thing. By the time you finally get around to asking her out, it’s possible you’ve turned her off. That’s why you pull the trigger, because if her interest in you is mediocre, that could be the difference between getting a date and seducing her and her just going and deciding you’re out. So when those things happen, when you meet somebody and you click, pull the trigger the first time because it’s possible you never meet them or see them ever again.

We clicked all of a sudden and hung out at the venue for several hours. I set up a date and followed textbook. The date lasted around 17 hours. We had dinner, talked deeply, went for a walk, and she even stayed the night (Just cuddling, no sex). There was strong attraction, and I led the entire time except sex part. Chickened out, I think.

Well, you either did or you didn’t. So if you didn’t make a move, you just kind of cuddled, but you didn’t make a move, not because you didn’t want to, but because you were scared. Now, if you’re selective and you’re like, “I don’t know this girl well enough yet to sleep with her. I’m not going to really escalate it,” that’s another story, but when she sees it’s written all over your face that you want her, but you’re like waiting for her to lead, to do something or to basically say she’s ready to sleep with you, it’s not going to happen.

So again, the seduction techniques are laid out, and I know the first few times you’re in a situation like that, you’re young, you’re inexperienced, it’s going to happen. That’s OK. Give yourself permission to fail. Give yourself permission to blow it with a few girls. It’s just life, man. You need the repetitions, so it’s better to just pull the trigger and know for sure than to stew about it over the coming several weeks.

A few days later, she sent me a message saying she didn’t think we “aligned,” but hoped we could still share dances in the future. Following your advice, I didn’t chase or double text the following week. I stayed quiet and focused on my purpose.

Well, if she says, hey, I don’t really not feeling it. I don’t think we’re really aligned. But we could dance. In other words, we could be friends. You could say, just tell her. Well, if you change your mind, hit me up. You got my number. That’s what you should be doing.

This past Saturday, I ran into her while out dancing. I kept my composure, didn’t approach her, and focused on having fun. My friend noticed her looking at me multiple times, and when I caught her eyes, she smiled back.

That’s when you go, “Hey, you! You clearly missed me. I saw you checking out my butt. It’s not very nice. If you’re gonna check out my butt, you gotta at least come over and kiss me and say hello.” Again, on the date, if you hang out with a girl 17 hours and you don’t even try to kiss her and you just kind of cuddle, that just communicates you have no experience, you don’t know what you’re doing, and women don’t want to teach you how to be a man.

So it doesn’t look like he escalated anything. He didn’t try to kiss, didn’t try to go for it, and that’s the real issue here, is that she knows you like her. You hung out with her 17 hours, but you were too scared to kiss her. Women love confidence. So when you don’t go to kiss her, it shows a lack of confidence, and if her interest in you is mediocre at best, that’s usually all it takes for her to go on to the next.

On at least two occasions, she and her friend moved to the side of the dance floor I was on, and once positioned themselves right in my walking path, almost as if she wanted me to notice or interact.

So it sounds like he just kind of stood like a statue. “I’m a robot. I must act like I don’t care about you. Like I don’t notice you even though you’re standing in my way.”

At the same time, she also talked to a couple of other guys and may have given her number out.

The next day, I broke silence lightly with a playful text about her asking me to dance next time. She replied, “Is that so.”

Kind of arrogantly and condescendingly, because now she recognizes that he’s just got no confidence. Very sheepish. You avoid her there, you stare at her, you catch her staring at you, and then you sheepishly text her the next day about dancing in the future. It’s not what I teach. It’s not what you should be doing. That’s why her response is kind of snarky, like, “Oh, is that so?” Big studly tough guy. It’s kind of like a backhanded insult, the way she responds.

My questions are: Did I make a mistake by sending that playful message, or was it OK since it wasn’t needy?

I wouldn’t have sent it at all. The phone is for setting dates, not getting to know somebody. You avoided her when you saw her out because you were too scared to talk to her. Then you send her this BS text the next day. Again, you’re not even remotely following what’s in the book.

Should I have responded at all to her “align” message, or was silence the best move?

Well, I would have just told her, “Well hey, hit me up if you change your mind. I had fun. I’d like to get to know you more, but if if you’re not feeling it, then maybe I’ll see you on the dance floor.”

And in situations like this, is her behavior (Watching me, positioning herself near me, smiling, but also talking to other guys) more about testing or genuine disinterest?

Well, she’s doing it just to see what you do because women are like cats. It’s like a ball of yarn on the dance floor, “Oh, let’s see what happens here.” Like I said, she could tell you were looking at her, but you didn’t. It’s like you’re probably in your head, you didn’t know what to say, you didn’t know what to do, and you just kind of froze. Then you send her a text the next day.

Again, the phone is for setting dates, but when a girl says she doesn’t feel like you’re aligned, then you shouldn’t be reaching out ever again because again, that’s in the book. You don’t want to burn a bridge. If a girl tries to friend-zone you or just say, “Hey, I don’t think we’re really aligned,” again, you just say, “Well, hit me up if you change your mind,” and then you leave it at that and you never contact her again for any reason. You just look inexperienced and like you got no game. You don’t know what you’re doing. She knows you like her, but it’s like you can’t handle your feelings of liking her and you don’t know what to do, you’re too scared to talk to her or make eye contact and you and your friends kind of avoid her. You’ve probably involved your friends in what was going on between the two of you, so they know everything. They’re probably looking at her, and it just sounds and looks weird and awkward.

So what would be better for you is to just not even notice her and spend more time talking to other girls and dancing with other girls. Maybe when she sees that, she’ll come up and dance with you, and when you’re on the dance floor dancing, you can use the kiss test. If she looks at your lips, you should kiss her, but when you spend 17 hours on a date and you don’t even make a move and you act like a statue, what you showed was that you had no confidence and you didn’t know what you were doing. So that’s all it takes for her to go, “Pfft.” She wants a guy that’s experienced that will lead her to the bedroom and seduce her properly. That girl spent 17 hours with you and even stayed the night and you didn’t even try to kiss her.

Thank you for all your work. This is first time keeping composure like this. It makes  sense I’m a little messy on keeping it 100%. Thank you for all your help! 

Bob

Well again, you got to read the book and apply it. Not be a cherry-picker, but again, you’re young, you’re inexperienced, you’re gonna fuck up. I did the same things when I was your age. I did the same things when I didn’t know any better. So don’t feel bad. Everybody has to go through it. It’s the rite of passage at becoming a man. Next time, you gotta clean up your mistakes. You gotta read the book. You got to fill in your knowledge gap because it’s like it just seems like you don’t know what you’re doing and the girls picking up on it, too. That’s why she rejected you, because she could tell you liked her, but you didn’t even have the guts to kiss her, even though you spent 17 hours with her. So women like confidence. So be confident and take action. Be a man of action.

If you haven’t already signed up for our premium Members Only content, in the video description of this video, there are links to join on YouTube, to join on Spotify or our website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there. If you choose an annual plan, you can get a 25% discount at the end of the 7-day free trial. So go to our website UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the “plans” tab and sign up for a free trial.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.