Why You Never Break No Contact When You Want Her Back

Why you shouldn’t break no contact when you want her back after she dumped you.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is a new follower of four months and read 3% Man twice so far. He says he became dopey and overly emotional once she fell in love with him and he couldn’t keep it together. She dumped him and he has struggled with maintaining no contact and has had two dates after breaking it that went nowhere.

He got upset and totally came unglued and complained to her how he couldn’t take the emotions he was dealing with and just made an absolute mess of things. He was the opposite of masculine and attractive. Now he is back in no contact and asks if he has completely ruined any chance of getting her back now. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

In this particular email, this guy is new to my work. There’s a lot of things you’re going to see in his email. You’re going to be shaking your head and going, “Dude, come on,” but he’s only been following me for about four months, and he says he’s read 3% Man twice so far. He says what happened was he started dating this girl, really liked her. He said once she fell in love with him, he just became totally dopey, drunk with love, and just things went completely sideways. She broke it off and now he’s trying to get another chance. So he vacillates between allowing her to come back to him at her pace, so he can potentially give her another chance to win him over. Then the very next day or a few days later, he goes back to chasing and pursuing, and then he ends up pushing her away. Then he made the further mistake of getting really upset, really frustrated that she wasn’t as into him as he was into her.

The reality is, women are going to find men way more attractive if they think the guy that they’re way more into the guy than the guy is into them. If you got a room of 100 women together and you ask them, “It should be 50/50, Corey.” The reality is, what they actually emotionally respond to, despite what most women think. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. They like you more if they think they’re more into you than you are into them, and then they’re going to try to win you over.

The reason why, when the guy behaves this way, when the guy behaves like he’s more into her than she is into him, he’s trying to win her over instead of letting her win him over, women are just naturally designed to do this. This is feminine energy, pulls the masculine energy in. It entices the masculine energy. The masculine energy creates the container of safety for the feminine energy to be submissive, to be feminine, to be girly, to basically let go and let the guy have his way with her.

You have to be more masculine than she is in order for her to feel safe enough to totally relax into her feminine energy. In this case, this guy is not doing that. He’s not creating a strong container where she can let go because she’s constantly dealing with his neurotic, needy desires. The fact that he obviously didn’t get enough strokes as a kid from his parents, he’s incredibly insecure and incredibly needy, and he treats this girl more like his mommy and his therapist than a teammate and an equal and a woman he’s going to allow to love him because love is allowing, after all.

In other words, you create the conditions where you allow the person who’s already predisposed to like you, to like you more, to pursue you, to make the effort and to get your attention. When they get your attention, then you give them your presence. If you’re constantly seeking, pursuing and chasing you’re, in essence, taking all of her fun away. You’re acting like a girl, and what it does, from a sexual polarity standpoint, it completely turns the woman off and she might have had strong romantic feelings just the day before, but when you act like a chick now, her feelings are platonic because of the way that you’re showing up.

Again, this guy is brand new to the work and so we can’t expect him to be an expert. Like I said, you’ll see later in the email, he just totally loses his shit with this girl and, in essence, starts whining about what she’s not doing. If you whine to a woman and then she does what you’ve asked her to do when you’re whining, she’s not doing it because she thought you’re attractive and it turns her on. She’s doing it out of guilt. It’s out of pity and you don’t want a pity fuck.

You want a woman who wants to tear your clothes off and fuck your brains out because she admires you, she respects you, she looks up to you, she trusts your leadership, she trusts your judgment. The way this guy is behaving, he’s behaving like a man baby. Like a child. Like a kid that’s throwing a temper tantrum in the grocery store when he put a bag of M&Ms in the cart and his mom said, “No more sugar,” and she put it back in the shelf.

I’m sure we’ve all, at some point, seen a kid at the grocery store with his mom, and she won’t let him do what he wants or buy what he wants, and he lays down on the ground and starts kicking and screaming and, you know, making a complete ass out of himself, which is basically metaphorically, kind of how this guy will behave. You’ll see in a minute it’s pretty disgusting for a man to say and do the things that he did. So it’s a good email to learn from and what not to do.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

I’ve read the book twice, been a follower for four months after my girlfriend left me after a five month relationship.

I was a secure, masculine, leading man until she said she loved me. I immediately let it go to my head, got dopey, didn’t know how to communicate or open her up, and she became unsure.

So he started out as secure, masculine leading man, and then he reverted back to a little girl.

She is also not a healthy woman. No father, mom had her at 16 and resented her for it, leaving her a hot and cold mess, and as you’ll see, doesn’t value monogamy or loyalty.

Well, this is not somebody that you should be trying to make your girlfriend. This is somebody that’s a sex playmate, fuck buddy, friends with benefits. You should definitely wear a raincoat with her, but it’s not somebody you get into a relationship. If she comes from a broken home and she doesn’t value loyalty or monogamy, you should not be talking to me about how do I make her my girlfriend again. That’s just the wrong mindset. You shouldn’t be trying to lock a girl like that down.

She said, “I didn’t think about the consequences of being in a relationship before we did, but I’m not ready for a relationship and don’t know when I will be.”

That’s when a woman says that despite the fact she’s messed up, what she’s really saying is, “You’re smothering me. You’re acting like a girl. You’re controlling.” In other words, remember the Thich Nhat Hanh quote, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” So he’s smothering her, not because he wants to show her how much he loves her. He’s smothering her because he’s afraid of losing her and afraid that she’s not going to continually love him.

Again, this is what he learned in childhood. He didn’t get enough strokes as a kid. So when a guy grows up after growing up in that environment, he tries to force himself into a woman’s life. He calls too much. He texts too much. He tries to create reasons to call her and to reach out and more reasons to get together then she’s ready for and just smothers her. Typically, as the woman starts to back away and lose interest, then the guy pursues even more because now he’s really afraid because he can feel that she’s backing away and he’s thinking, “I’ve got to do something. I’ve got to get her to like me, and I’ve got to get her back to where she was a few weeks ago.”

After our breakup, I didn’t follow no contact.

He was smothering her to the point where she didn’t want anything to do with him anymore, dumped him, broke up with him, and he didn’t stop. He just kept going forward.

I proceeded to talk to her for two months trying to get her back while she starting talking with a new guy.

Yeah, when you do that and you chase after somebody that’s dumped you every time you contact her, you’re just further reinforcing that she made it a good decision by dumping you. A man who loves and values himself and sees himself as a prize and a catch is like, “She doesn’t want me? OK, I’m going to go find somebody else then,” and he goes, and he does that.

A guy who’s insecure has no choices, no options, is going to keep pursuing the woman that stuck him in friend zone. Meanwhile, she’s telling him about the new guys that she’s meeting, and he’s hoping he’s going to change her mind because that’s what you see again in movies and TV, but in the real world, it doesn’t work.

I tried to do no contact for one month, but then reached back out like an idiot.

Again, no contact is not a strategy. It’s no contact. It means that the negotiation is over and the two of you are at an impasse. You want sex and romance. She wants to give you blue balls, free attention and validation for her, no sex, no romance. None of what you want. So when you’re that far apart, you say, “Well, if you change your mind, get in touch. If not, it’s been great,” and then you walk away and you never look back.

The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it, and he didn’t mean it. So he doesn’t have the balls to say, “I don’t like the way I’m being treated,” and leave forever. Women need to know if you’re really going to own her heart, women have to know that if they push you too far, you’ll walk and never look back. He walked, but then he started running back after her, which just makes him look weak and pathetic.

Thinking I could just will her back, I began chasing again.

Well, you chased her and that’s what caused her to dump you. So after you get dumped, a month goes by and then you hadn’t heard from her and you think, “Oh, let me start chasing her again to see how that’ll work.”

One day, she suggested we go rock climbing at the local university. I agreed.

By the time I was ready to go, she decided she was sore from her recently appointment to her gynecologist and wasn’t up for it. I still went to meet new chicks and people.

So she canceled a date.

After I was done, I noticed she posted a story at the casino with a married man she used to have sex with.

So he went no contact for a month. He couldn’t take it. He starts pursuing her again. She makes plans to go rock climbing and then blows him off. “Oh, I’m just too sore after the gynecologist.” Then next thing he sees on her social media is she’s hanging out with some married guy banging her. Remember, she’s too sore after the gynecologist. It sounds legit, right? She just told him a lie and totally deceived him.

This is why you don’t chase somebody that blows you off. It just shows you don’t value or respect your time or yourself, and therefore she doesn’t either. That’s why she just blows you off, says, “Yeah, I’m a little sore down there. I don’t really want to strain myself too much. By the way, I’m going to go hang out with Chad Thundercock and have him rearrange my insides. Even though he’s married, I’m sure his wife won’t mind or find out. By the way, we’re going to a casino. Maybe I’ll win some money. Maybe he’ll buy me a nice handbag.”

Weird. I went home and cooked dinner and she texted me all drunk that she wanted to come over. I said, “Sure come have some dinner.” I was making crab cakes from scratch and she said, “Oh I love crab.”

As soon as she got to my place she told me she didn’t like seafood. Weird again.

Yeah, because she’s punking you. Because she thinks you’re a bitch and you mostly act like a bitch. Women do that to fuck with you, to see how you handle it.

She came over drunk but we had a great time. I truly thought she didn’t even care about the amazing five months we spent together where we went on trips and had so many memorable experiences. She’s 26, I’m 29.

Yeah, what you got to understand is, those five months, that’s all your idea of how things were going and whatever she said during those five months, she meant it at the time. It doesn’t apply today. The fact that she’s sleeping with a married guy, cancelling dates with you and blowing you off, but then she can just come over at a moment’s notice after she’s blown you off just shows you don’t respect yourself. You don’t value your time either. Since you don’t value your time, she certainly doesn’t. That’s why she jerks you around, because she doesn’t care. She knows that you don’t really care that you’ll put up with it.

But her being drunk let her push past her emotional walls. She told me she thinks about us all the time. That the relationship really was as good as I thought it was.

Again, that’s in the past. A woman’s feelings are like the weather. They change every day based on how she’s feeling. So guys make the mistake of saying, “Oh, six months ago, she was totally in love with me.” Well, that was six months ago. It’s not today. If you look at her actions today, she’s blowing you off at the last minute and then going and hanging out with a married guy that she used to have sex with and probably is having sex with.

We went through every memory we had…

Probably he was the one bringing it up because he’s drooling all over her thinking, “If I just remind her of all the good times and then she’ll start feeling it again.”

…I even got out the hard drive with all our photos on it.

Come on, man.

We kissed and cuddled and slow danced in my house until 3 a.m. We didn’t have sex, I didn’t try because she was sore from her IUD adjustment and I didn’t even want to try. (Come on man)

Because he knows after the fact.

So, after this night, I thought I was making some sort or progress.

Again, he’s trying to he’s going to chase her and win her back over. So what does he do? He goes right back once again to the same behavior that led to him getting rejected.

I invite her over for dinner next week. She agrees and comes over and we make pasta. But she’s cold. No signs of attraction.

Well, it wasn’t her idea. You chased her. 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back is very clear on this and why you don’t do it. If she’s the one that unilaterally ended the relationship, it’s up to her to do all the calling, texting and pursuing, and you just simply make dates, but you’re too impatient, you’re too insecure, and you have the wrong mindset of, “I got to win her back. I got to convince her to like me. I got to convince her to pay attention to me.” So you’re acting like a girl.

If you act like a girl and you, in essence, beg her to come over, and then she comes over and she’s an ice queen, what do you expect? It wasn’t her idea. You should have just let her be.

Won’t let me get close. Is keeping her distance on purpose.

Again, he’s pursuing and trying to touch her and he can’t tell he has no sensory acuity. Granted, I think he said he read the book twice, and it’s still not clicking in his head that he’s doing the opposite of what the book teaches. He’s totally run by his emotions.

This is why I say you got to read it 10 to 15 times, reading it twice, and just trying to cherry pick a few things here and there is not going to work.

So we make dinner, hang out, but at the end of the night I just ask her what the deal is.

“What’s the deal? What are we? What’s going on, Your Highness? Why don’t you love me?” This is pathetic. This is the kind of shit a woman would say.

I was upset and perturbed.

Masculinity is calm. It’s not upset and perturbed. Being upset and perturbed is feminine energy. Why? Because feminine energy is chaos. So you’re acting like a chaotic, insecure little girl. It’s about as unattractive as you can be with a woman. Just imagine if somebody filmed your interaction and your conversation and showed it to a room full of women. They would all be going, “Ooh!“

She said last week she was just drunk and she thought I just wanted to be friends.

I lost my center here and I let her know its upsetting to hear all these nice things after four months of torturing myself over what happened. I told her how I’ve changed my entire life around trying to become someone ready to do better in a relationship…

He’s trying to prove himself to her.

…Going to therapy, have my own place, etc. 

“Why won’t you love me, mommy?” Dude, this is about as pathetic as you can be. There’s more. Just wait.

At this point, I did start to tear up.

Oh, he must have seen it in a Hallmark movie. Of course, in the Hallmark movie it works, but in the real world, when you’re acting this way, you basically make her pussy drier in a bucket of sand. It’s like a haunted house in the Sahara desert. There ain’t nothing going on. Cobwebs, dust. It’s not happening.

I told her we aren’t friends. We never have been and we can’t be now. She asked me “Why not? Why can’t we just check in with each other during the week?”

What she’s really saying is, “Why can’t you just be a little bitch like you have been and let me walk all over you and treat you like shit because you’re such a fucking pussy?” That’s why she’s saying it.

I know I’m being harsh, but I’m fucking shaking you, trying to wake you up dude, because this is absolutely pathetic and unmasculine behavior. This is not how a man acts. This is how a little child acts.

I told her, “Because this sort of thing is killing me.”

If you’re in a hole, stop digging. You ever heard that expression before? No, he figured if he just complained and bitched a lot, it would make her go, “Oh my God, my pussy is like Niagara Falls. Let’s have sex.”

I told her I invited her over for dinner to romance her and why would she even come over if she felt like that.

Oh, dude.

I did cry to her…

Oh my God. What?

…And before she left I did say if she changed her mind to let me know.

She’s going, “Oh boy, I can’t wait till the next time we see each other. Oh, my heart just is going pitter-patter over this.” Dude, you have to be more masculine than the woman. She’s coming over, she’s very stoic, she’s very masculine, and you’re like, “Why don’t you love me? Stella!” It’s not attractive.

I told her I loved her and she said it back. 

That was a pity, “I love you.” It wasn’t because she really loves you.

I’m back in permanent no contact. After all the emotions I displayed I can’t imagine I’ll hear from her ever again.

Yeah probably not. Then again, she’s not somebody you want to have a relationship anyways.

What would’ve been the right move in that situation?

Maybe actually apply what’s in the book and apply what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Your job in the courtship is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen. To hang out, to have fun, to hook up. So after that weekend, where you had a good weekend together, you wouldn’t have called her, you wouldn’t have texted her for any reason, you wait to hear from her. When you finally do assume she wants to see you, make a date in the evening at your place that can lead to sex.

Your job in the courtship is just create an opportunity for sex to happen. To hang out, to have fun, and to hook up. Where you made the mistake is you’re trying to force yourself into her life by calling, texting her and trying to make a bunch of dates happen in a short period of time. Women need time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you and to miss you. In this case, you go no contact because she doesn’t want any romance. Then you broke no contact after a month and started pursuing her when you know she’s dating other guys and then you act pathetic, you cry in front of her and you act like a little child. This is not attractive at all.

If you’d have filmed that evening and showed it to a bunch of women, they would have all been totally turned off. This is disgusting. This is pathetic. It’s weak. Don’t ever do this again, dude. If you want to feel this way, go cry in your beard or to your guy friends. Never, ever do this with a woman. Never, ever let anybody hear about you behaving this way.

I did an email a couple of months ago where a guy goes over to a mutual friend’s house and his ex-girlfriend shows up with a new guy that he’s dating, and he’s out in the front yard, bawling his eyes out and all of his friends are seeing it. Then, of course, they all go back inside and they’re all telling the girl what’s going on out in the front yard. It’s like, you just cannot behave this way. This is not adult behavior.

She came over one week and gave me false hope…

No, you acted like a bitch. That’s what happened, because you don’t understand how attraction works. You don’t understand how to be masculine. Even though you went through the book a couple times, you didn’t do anything even remotely close to what’s in the book. So none of your current circumstances should be surprising to you.

You did this to yourself, and you have to be a man and accept personal responsibility. Quite frankly, you need to find a way to laugh at this and laugh at yourself, because someday you’re going to look back at this and go, “Man, I really was pathetic. I never did anything like this.” There’s plenty of emails and video newsletters over the years where guys did things way, way worse. So don’t feel bad. You’re in good company. I’m sure plenty of the guys in the comments are like, “Yeah bro, I did it too, man.” It’s just not going to work. You just cannot behave this way around women and expect them to be attracted to you.

…And the next week’s dinner she treats me like we are bros. It did upset me.

Well, that’s because you chased after her instead of letting her come to you. Then when she leaves, “Hey, call me later,” or whatever. Again, if she dumped you, she has to do all the calling, texting and pursuing. It’s laid out right in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, but you didn’t follow it. You wanted to do it your way. You wanted to continue pursuing and continue being needy and neurotic. So one week you act masculine and attractive, and the next week you’re absolutely disgusting and repulsive to her.

I tried to move on. I fucked a younger, hotter, freakier girl and felt nothing. 

Well, it’s just one chick. The idea is you’re trying to find somebody you have a mental connection with that you actually enjoy spending time with. What you did was you had sex with a girl who was pretty and had a great body, but there was no emotional or mental connection. So basically what you did was glorified masturbation, but congratulations. You at least can find other women.

The key is to keep searching. Keep seeking until you find somebody that is better than your ex. The idea is you want to read the book 10 to 15 times and get so good at applying it, you don’t have to think about it anymore. That’s what you need to do.

What’s even worse is my ex told me the guy she is seeing wants her to let him into her heart so bad but she just can’t and only really see’s him as a best friend. What kind of fucked up shit is that?

Well, she’s just telling you how she actually feels about the other guy. If you would stop being a butt-hurt baby and take a step back and look at that, what you realize is the other guy is, quite frankly, even more pathetic than you are, so you shouldn’t feel threatened by him.

I promise you, if you keep calling, you keep texting, you keep chasing after her and acting like a bitch, you’ll literally push her right into the arms of this other guy. That’s why he just back off and do nothing.

I can’t just be with someone because it’s better than nothing. This was my first relationship at 29 because every girl I’ve been with never interested me past sex. But this girl did and I fucked it up.

So let me guess, no chance at saving this one right?

Thank you for all your advice,

Bob

Well, quite frankly dude, you just now came across my work. The way you’ve been going about it your whole life is wrong.

So what happens is, because I can tell what happened with this particular girl is you’re great at meeting and dating and picking up women, but as soon as you start having sex, and especially once the girl becomes interested and then you become interested, you become unglued. In other words, you turn into the opposite of how you behave in the beginning. What happens is you go from letting them pursue you in the beginning, and then you start acting like a girl, and you literally chase every single woman right out of your life. That’s what’s happening.

You didn’t realize what you’re doing. Obviously, even though you’ve been through the book twice, at least you claim to have been through the book twice, you haven’t been able to make the connection there that this is what’s happening. When you really start to like a girl, you, in essence, chase her out of your life to the point where she probably ghost you or friend zoned you or doesn’t want to see you anymore.

If you look at all your interactions with this girl, you let her come to you, she’s all over you. As soon as you start pursuing her again, it’s no longer her idea, and then she treats you like a second class citizen. So act like a man. She’ll come to you when she’s ready, and then you can make a date and seduce her. Then when she leaves, “Call me later.” Let her reach out to you. Then when she reaches out to you next, it means her feelings have come back up. They bubbled up. She’s ready to see you and make a date.

You really should be treating this particular girl as just one of the girls in your practice squad, because, as you said, she came from a broken family. She’s sleeping with a married guy. You’re not going to fix her. You’re not going to be Captain Save-A-Hoe. You’re not going to turn her into an honest woman. You just have to see reality as it is. If you don’t and you try to wife up this girl, you’re in for a world of pain.

There’s a ton of videos I’ve done over the years and guys that did exactly that. So I hope that you listen to me, and I hope that you take this tongue lashing that I’ve given you to heart, and maybe watch it several times and cut out this pathetic behavior because it’s totally unattractive.

There’s nothing wrong with you as a man, other than the fact that you’re displaying unattractive behavior, and you learned dysfunctional ways of showing up and acting like a man. When you act that way, you’re going to turn women up across the board off. That includes women that really like you. So you’re talking women out of liking you that are already predisposed to like you, have sex with you and want a relationship with you. So they’re into it first and you maintain enough mystery. Like you said earlier, once she starts to become hooked, you become dopey and then you just you behave the opposite of the way a man is supposed to act, and that’s not good. So you need to clean that shit up, man. Get it together. You can do it.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.