Why You Should Give Yourself Permission To Fail & Make Mistakes

The importance of accepting that failure is a part of life & essential for success.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who got ditched on a date when he tried to be mysterious and have her follow him through a bad part of town. He’s still bummed about the rejection and wonders when he will finally get it with women and master what’s in the book. He’s 43, struggling and sometimes feels unlovable.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Why You Should Give Yourself Permission To Fail & Make Mistakes”.

Well, failure is a part of life, and I’ve never seen anybody embrace failure and not only embrace it, but be excited about it and what he’s going to learn then Elon Musk. So obviously in his business, rocketry, you want the rockets to all blow up and malfunction before you start putting real people in those rockets. And so every time you have a failure, you’re going to learn from it. But I heard a wise teacher of mine once said, I don’t know where he got this.

This has probably been around for a while, but he said, “ships are safe in the harbor, but ships were not built to stay safe in the harbor.” In other words, it’s meant to go out there and explore the rough seas for adventure. And so you should look at life as like an adventure. You should be seeking romance and adventure. In this particular email is an update. He sent an email in a couple weeks ago, and he was the guy that went on a date with a girl.

He was trying to be a little too mysterious. He didn’t really have good rapport with her yet. Wouldn’t tell her where they were going after the last place they went to. And so I think he was going to try to take her bowling or wanted her to follow him. And so then he says, well, it just happens the place to go bowling was like on her side of town. Bowling or pool or darts, I can’t remember.

But in order to get there, at least the way he was going, he had to go through a really bad neighborhood. And so as soon as they got to the bad neighborhood, she went the other way. And then called him to tell him that she was just going to go home, basically. So he’s pretty bummed about that. He said he’s read 3% Man more than ten times. He’s going through it again. But you know, he says like, I should know this stuff by now. I’m still making these kinds of mistakes.

So he’s like, what do I do? And you know, he’s pretty beat up about it and down on himself. And sometimes he wonders, man, I guess maybe I’m just unlovable. So you got to understand, repetition is the mother of skill. Excellence is not a singular act. It’s a habit. And you have to get good at dealing with things, not going your way. You have to actually really, you have to accept it.

You want to get to a place of quiet acceptance that your reality is your reality, and you can change it over time. But you know, for the foreseeable future, things are going to pretty much suck. And that’s the way it is. It’s like, you know, if you guys that have read Mastering Yourself of mine, like when I was in college or building businesses or getting out of real estate as the markets imploding and then transitioning to a life coach.

It’s, you know, like I was talking about this in the live stream we did yesterday, that a quote I heard at the time was from Elon Musk of all people. And this is when Tesla was really struggling. SpaceX was struggling. He had three of his rockets had blown up. He had only enough money for one more rocket. And if that one blew up, then SpaceX would be bankrupt. And Tesla wasn’t too far behind. And so statistically, he even talked about it’s like statistically it shouldn’t work out.

They shouldn’t be able to succeed, but at least it’s worth trying. And he’s the type of guy that’s just never going to give up, no matter how bad things get. And I was struggling at the time and trying to figure out the right way to go about my business model and marketing it. And he said, being an entrepreneur is like eating glass and staring into the abyss of death. And that pretty much sums it up.

That’s kind of what life is like, especially being a man, because if you got a stay at home girl or a wife taking care of the kids and you’re the sole breadwinner, you lose your job or your business struggles, the economy goes the other way for the most part it’s just you figuring that out. You got to figure out how to solve it. It’s like nobody cares about your problems or my problems. And quite frankly, a lot of people are glad we have them, especially people that are envious and wish they could be where we are.

So you have to understand that suffering and things sucking and things looking hopeless is just part of life. When I was this guy’s age, I was just in the last year of sleeping on my dad’s couch. Things were just, you know, going this way. But, man, that was a long road. So that was like, um, that was 2013. I had gotten out of real estate. We sold our office in 2007. So I’m like six, seven years in at that point. And it often felt hopeless.

And, and it just seemed like success was taking forever. When I look back at the stuff that I experienced in my 20s and early 30s, it happened a lot quicker. But then again, I was working for other people and learning their business model. So when I went and started my own company, it was just I went from getting paid to do it for them to the next day, getting paid to do it for myself. And I already knew how to do everything and had all the relationships.

I had my business partners and the relationships that we had with people, vendors that we did business with, people that lent us money to, to lend out to the investors that bought our foreclosure properties. So this business that I got now was completely new. And I didn’t want to be traveling around the world doing seminars and stuff like that, or trying to be a second rate version of Tony Robbins. I wanted a coach and it was just, how do I package this stuff up? So I really struggled.

And it was the same thing when I was trying to figure out women. I couldn’t understand why, especially when I was younger, there were girls that I could tell were really into me. But instead of them becoming more into me over time, they became less interested and often ghosted or friend zone me or whatever. And that’s frustrating. You know, you want to do what’s necessary for the girl to like you and want to stay with you. But you ask a woman for advice.

She can’t really explain to you what to do or how to do it, or what that looks like. And even some of my friends that were successful with women, it’s like they were just naturally good. And because they grew up in a good environment. And so the things that I struggle with, it’s like it wasn’t even a blip on their radar. They didn’t even think like that or consider that. So everybody’s path is going to be different. And so you got to learn to fall in love with the process of becoming who you want to be, or the process of reaching your full potential.

So again, failure is part of life. Every time you fail, you learn something. And like in this case, just having, you know, done that video a few weeks ago for him and then reading this email here, it’s he needs more repetitions. He needs to fail to fail more quicker because it looks like his interactions and his dates are kind of far and few between. So he probably definitely needs to do something to get outside of his comfort zone and go mingle with other people and just get to the point where he’s just doing fun things when he’s not working with other like minded people that like the same things.

You know, he talked about this on the podcast yesterday. It’s I’ve done a few success stories in the last few weeks. Just guys that did real well. One guy was struggling from a breakup, goes out for a night of drinking, meets a girl, goes home, hooks up with her first night, overcomes the last minute resistance. Another guy went rock climbing and meets a girl there that turns into a nice little hookup and an afternoon delight. Wasn’t even expecting it to happen that quickly. But you know, life can turn around in an instant. And that’s why you gotta keep chipping away.

One of the things that Michelangelo said, if you guys have ever looked up and seen the David statue that he carved out of marble, which he actually took that over for a different artist, it was this giant block of marble. And when it was all finished, he was showing it. And at the like the opening of it, somebody was marveling. It was just like, man, how did you do that? And he was like, oh, it was easy. David was already in there. In other words, David was already in that block of marble. I just chipped away the excess.

And said, I had an art class my senior year in high school, and it was one of the things that we learned early on at the beginning of the semester was learning to draw. I think he’s on the right side of the brain. And so what he would do is he would give us a picture. He gave us a bunch of magazines. Now pick a picture that you would be cool to draw or you want to draw it. And I’ll teach you an easy way to draw it without tracing or anything like that. So we all picked out our picture, ripped it out. And he says, all right, now put it on your desk.

And so we had the paper. It was like we were using like pencil sketching. And he said, all right, you guys ready? He says, you know, and so he kind of went through basic things of like how to shade with a pencil, using your finger to kind of smear it and dark lines and kind of doing a light outline first. And so we kind of watched him do one. And so he says, before you start, is everybody ready? And he goes, okay, turn the picture completely upside down. You’re like, what? And so we all turn our pictures upside down. And I remember mine was like a dog. I think it was like a Cocker Spaniel, had big fuzzy ears, that kind of thing.

And, uh, and he says, I just want you to focus, don’t look on what you’re trying to draw. Like in my case it was a dog or other people are drawing cars or whatever, or a woman or a guy or something. Don’t think about what you’re trying to draw. Just focus on drawing the lines and the shadows and the shading that you see in the picture. And that’s why you turn it upside down. So you wouldn’t look at it and go, I’m trying to draw a dog. You look at it and you’re just trying to draw the lines. The way they appear, draw the hairs, do the shading.

And when I did that and I got finished, I was I was amazed at how I was like, damn, I’m a talented artist. But really I was just drawing the lines and the shading that I see in the paper, not trying to draw a dog or anything else. And so that’s what kind of reminded me of when Michelangelo said, well, David was already in there. It was easy. I just chipped away the excess. And so he’s drawing on the right side of the brain. And so he’s looking at that going, well, David kind of looks like this. And he’s kind of, you know, thinking or I can’t remember what he’s doing with his hands, but and he’s just chipping away the things that don’t belong.

And, and eventually he polished it. And I don’t know how many hours he spent, but it’s I mean, you can see it to this day. It’s just an incredible, priceless piece of art. And another thing Michelangelo said was, “Genius is eternal patience.” So your patience when it comes to developing yourself and becoming the best version of you has to be infinite. It’s just something that you do every day. You’re just trying to get a little bit better than you were yesterday. Just like any professional athlete, you’re just trying to get more reps in so you can hone your skills and fine tune your skills.

You know, it’s like, um, I remember Michael Jordan was trying to make a commercial or was a movie or something like that. Or it might have been Larry Bird. And these guys like almost never miss their shots in clutch. And so they wanted them to wanted to film them missing a shot. And so they were trying to miss the shot and they kept making it. It took several tries before they missed the shot, just because they had so many repetitions and had visualized it so many times.

Shooting the ball up and it going right through the hoop and swishing on the net. But when they tried to miss on purpose, there was just so much motor memory it was hard for them to do. So point being is repetition is the mother of skill. Excellence is not a singular act it’s a habit. You are what you do repeatedly. And if you suck at something or you’re mediocre, or like in this guy’s case, he’s not really happy with where he’s at. He thinks he should be further along. That’s okay. You are where you are.

But in order to go from where you are to where you want to be, you need more repetitions and obviously ultimately successes. And if you got time to ruminate on your problems because that’s, you know what, basically depression is. You just ruminate on your problems. If you have enough time to ruminate on your problems and what’s not going well, or in this guy’s case, whine about a girl that ditched him a few weeks ago, then that tells me he’s not busy enough. He’s being lazy. He’s sitting around on his couch thinking about his problems or thinking about what’s missing from his life.

Instead of getting off his ass and going out there and participating with his fellow man and woman and enjoying his life. Because you’re most attractive when you’re having fun and enjoying your life, you’re certainly not fun and attractive sitting at home on your couch feeling sorry about the girl that ditched you a few weeks ago. Take yourself to lunch. Take yourself to dinner. Go to the gym, go rock climbing.

Go on a hike. Go take a pistol or rifle class. Go do something that’s fun that you enjoy. Take an art class. Go to an art gallery. In other words, go lose yourself in your hobbies and your interests and things you love doing for fun. Because it’s really easy to talk to those people when you’re all doing the same thing that you all like. People that like the same things tend to like each other.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I’m the guy from the video newsletter, “She Didn’t Feel Safe & Ditched Me On Our Date”. Just to clarify, the woman who ditched me and I actually had mutual friends and a lot in common, which is why the situation confused me so much at the time.

Well, at the end of the day, she didn’t feel safe and she ditched you. And so that tells me your performance in the date was subpar. She felt uncomfortable to the point on the date that despite the relationship with the mutual friends or acquaintances, she was willing to risk them going, how dare you diss Bob? That was really, that was awful that you ditched him like. That left him on the side of the road. I mean, he lived.

So he was driving, she was following him. And then she just turned and went the other way, and then later called him and said she was going home. And he tried to rationalize and explain, but she was just, she wasn’t having it. And so he felt bummed about that. And so the other thing is maybe these mutual friends don’t really know this woman that well, and maybe she’s not really a nice person. I mean, it’s not a nice thing to do.

What you would think common sense would be, “Hey, this is kind of a sketchy area. Where are we headed?” But it seems like he had been a little too evasive when she was trying to find out. And like what I mentioned in the last email, he just didn’t have enough rapport. He probably took it for granted. “Oh, hey, Bob and Sam know me and you know, that’s they vouched for me. So everything should go great.”

But at the end of the day, each date, each person, you got to treat it as its own entity and take them through the process. There’s a process laid out in the book of dating. And I wouldn’t suggest, you know, if a girl you’ve never met or you barely you maybe met through mutual friends to take her through a shitty part of town on your way to another activity and not tell her what you’re gonna do. I mean, that’s if you know, there’s a shitty part of town. I would go around it. I wouldn’t go through it.

But, you know, again, that you guys can go and watch that Video Newsletter the bottom line is the woman didn’t feel safe and comfortable, so she left. And she wasn’t that into him. When somebody’s really into you, it’s easy and effortless and you don’t really struggle because you have a lot in common. They’re easy to talk to.

That said, I’ve read your book more than 10 times and I’m currently going through it again. I’ve heard you say many times, “You’ve got to get back in the book,” so that’s what I keep doing.

Well, the idea is you’re reading the book and you’re applying it, you’re reading it and you’re applying it. You’re getting out there. One of the things that I always did when I was younger is that every weekend I was out doing something, I was socializing. I was either hanging out with my buddies or going and, you know, hanging out at a cool bar, a cool place to hang out or we’re traveling or we’re going to lunch, we’re going to dinner, we’re having barbecues at my house or their house, or we’re going to trade shows.

We were just always out doing things. We weren’t just sitting around picking our asses. And so you got to go out, mingle with other people. So it’s like every weekend I was constantly meeting dozens and dozens and dozens of women on the weekend, just through casual conversations, especially if we’re out in a bar or we’re at a function or a social event, there’s just a ton of people there. It doesn’t mean you’re hitting on every single girl that you see, but you got to participate and interact and ask questions and practice your social skills and be a social person.

And most importantly, try to have fun while you’re doing it. Because girls that like you, they’ll make it known that they like you. Again, it’s all laid out in the book. But if you’re not really doing much and you’re not putting yourself in social situations, you’re not going to get any better. You could read the book 10,000 times, but if you’re not talking to any girls, you’re not trying to improve your social skills. You’re not getting out and mingling amongst your fellow human beings. Well, you’re going to struggle and it’s going to feel lonely.

But whenever I have another failed experience with a woman, I start feeling like I’m failing or even unlovable sometimes.

Part of me thinks, “I should know this stuff by now.”

Well, at the end of the day, what you want for your personal life is really just a mental concept. And so you really haven’t gotten or attracted the kind of woman you really want and you feel you deserve. And that comes from you developing yourself. And so the fact that you’re ruminating on all these problems and feeling bummed out tells me you’re not taking enough action.

Because as Dale Carnegie said over a century ago, “inaction breeds fear and doubt. Taking action breeds confidence and courage.” So if you’re too busy getting after things and being productive, you don’t have time to ruminate in your problems or the girl that ditched you.

My question is this: even if we follow the principles in your book, are we still supposed to make mistakes along the way?

Uh, yeah. I mean, if you’ve been following me for a few years, like I think you have. I mean, everybody makes mistakes. That’s why I go through these. So I can pick these apart so I can critique their game. So everybody that’s watching this video can learn from that guy’s mistakes so they don’t make the same ones, hopefully.

Should these behaviors eventually become natural if we consistently study the material and watch your videos every day?

No. Knowledge is potential power. It only becomes power when you apply it. So the thing that you’re missing here, the essential part is you’re just reading this, but you’re not really interacting with anybody. So how can you possibly expect your skills to get any better? If you go out on 1 or 2 dates a year and you almost never interact with women and you don’t do many things socially, you go to work and you go home, you’re going to have a pretty boring life and a pretty boring social life.

And it’s going to be hard for you to meet girls. You know, obviously you got online dating, but you know, the odds are stacked against you. And if you can develop yourself, your personality and have a fun social life, it’s you’re just going to meet better quality women doing that anyways. And you’re going to have a better experience and you’re going to click with more of the girls. Again, people that like the same things tend to like each other.

Realistically, how long does it take for a man to fully embody becoming a “3% Man”?

Everybody’s different. Some guys read my book like a maniac and get out there and practice it every weekend, and in a matter of months they’ve completely changed their life. Around other guys, some guys live in the middle of nowhere, so they don’t get a lot of practice and they don’t do much to socialize.

Guys like yourself seem like you’re doing a lot of reading, but you’re not doing a lot of applying, so you just have a mental concept of the book. But once you actually get in front of a woman and you’re one on one, you’re clearly getting overwhelmed by your emotions and you’re making mistakes. So you need a larger sample size. You need more women to practice with.

I’m 43 years old, going through a divorce, and trying to undo years of unhealthy conditioning. Some days I’m grounded in what you teach, and other days I find myself slipping back into old programming. I guess I’m just looking for a little reassurance that this process is normal.

Thanks again, Coach. I appreciate everything you do. 

Bob

It’s like, yeah. I mean, again, look at Elon Musk. You know, they still have failures. You know, quite frankly, every one of the starships that takes off. They blow it up and they blow it up on purpose. They usually blow it up in the ocean. So like, because they’re basically trying to make it blow up and trying to find what the engineering limits are of the vehicle. What are the engineering limits of the heat shield tiles that they’ve glued to the outside? What happens if they leave some tiles off to see if going through the atmosphere will burn the fins off and cause the vehicle to explode in orbit?

They’re trying to figure out again what the absolute limits of this vehicle are, and so they’re trying to make it blow up. And quite frankly, every single one of them does blow up. It’s like what causes to blow up, like the last one landed successfully in the ocean. Obviously there’s no platform there. And then it tipped over and when it tipped over and hit the water, the side of it ruptured. And then obviously it exploded because it still had propellant in the tanks, but it was gonna explode.

And so the thing blew up and everybody’s like, oh, awesome fireball. Everybody’s excited about that. They’re excited about their failures. So you need to get excited, get excited about the fact that this girl ditched you. You realize you got to do better and you need to be talking to more women and interacting with them. So whatever you got to do to get off your ass and out of your house and face to face with the ladies, you should do well. I just did a Video Newsletter either yesterday or the day before. The guy was, you know, he likes to go I assume it’s like a country western bar.

They do like two step dancing. And he meets girls there all the time because most guys don’t like to dance. And since he likes to dance and his friends like to dance, they go out and they meet girls left and right. Makes it pretty easy because you’re they’re doing the same things that they like. And you’re usually outnumbered. There’s usually more women there. Same thing with like going to a Pilates class, you’re just outnumbered or a yoga class for that matter.

So you got to get out of the house and you got to interact with the ladies and if one of them that really likes you she will do exactly what the book says. He says, I guess I’m just obviously he’s looking for reassurance, but something that will really help you. Should I recommend to you just because of how you’re feeling and what can change your physical state. You change your body, you change your emotions, you change your state.

And that’s doing the Consciousness Exercises, which are on the home page of my YouTube channel. If you scroll all the way to the bottom, it’s the @CoachCoreyWayne there are Consciousness Exercises 1 through 12. Put them on your big screen TV, spend an hour, hour and a half and do those three days a week. You’ll feel a lot better. And then once you do those, go out and mingle with other human beings. If you’re off on the weekends, go do something fun.

Go do something where there’s lots of other humans there that you can talk to and interact with and just have a good time. Anything that’s going to make you smile and be glad that you’re out doing whatever you’re doing instead of sitting on your ass. Feeling sorry for yourself is a good thing. So go participate in life and most importantly, have a good time.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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