Why You Should Let Her Win You Over Instead Of Pursuing Her

Why you should let women win you over, instead of trying to convince them to choose you.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers. The 1st email is from a viewer who is too worried about and focused on guys who are competing for the same woman he wants and how this mindset is hindering him getting the girl he really desires. The 2nd email is kind of absurd. The guy is doing great with the ladies, but he is terrified about them finding out he only has a few close friends and family. Therefore, he’s too scared of letting women get close for his fear that he will get dumped once they find out.

Both emails illustrate the mindset shift required to go from a weak beta male mindset of seeking her attention and validation, which turns women off, to one of confidence in knowing your own value and self-worth, which turns them on. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.

Really, what these guys have is a mindset issue. They’re both in the mindset of, “Oh man, I really hope this girl likes me. I hope she chooses me.” That’s the opposite of confidence, and confidence is the number one, most important trait of men that women find attractive. And a big part of what turns women off towards guys that they’re already interested in is a lack of confidence. And so, if you start dating a girl that you really like and you’re always hoping that you can win her over, hoping that she’ll pick you over all others, what typically tends to happen is you become too nice, you become too compliant.

You try too hard, you call too much, you text too much. You don’t stand up for yourself, you act soft. In your words, your vibe, you’re constantly giving off this vibe, almost like you’re not worthy and you don’t deserve to be there. Women crave confidence in men, and if you’re constantly displaying a lack of it, eventually, they’re going to lose attraction and become attracted to other guys they may be talking to or meeting who do display the proper mindset.

I’ve used this example countless times over the years, but in the old black and white movie, “It’s a Wonderful Life,” that’s what you see. Donna Reed’s character, the whole movie, she’s trying to get the most eligible bachelor in town. She’s trying to get him to choose her over all the other women in the small little town that they live in, to choose her over all of the other potential suitors. Even though Jimmy Stewart’s character, George Bailey, has no desire or intent to even stay in that town, he wants to get out of there and go see the world and build an empire somewhere else other than Bedford Falls.

So, with that said, let’s go through the first guy’s email and see what we can do to clean up their mindset and their thinking, here. Because even if they do win the girl over, over time, the longer they’re with her, it’s going to slip out, and that typically leads to friendzoning or outright rejection. The key is, as a man, you want to display mostly attractive behavior and not fall into the trap. I mean, when you see movies and TV, they’re always teaching us guys to make the women in our lives our mommies and our therapists. And if you do that, if you want to cry in your beer every night because you’re going through a tough time, eventually they’re going to get sick of it, because you’re supposed to be the strong one.

You’re supposed to be the one with the masculinity. You have to be more masculine than the women in your life. Otherwise, you’re going to ruin the sexual polarity, and they’re going to have feelings of platonic friendship for you. And then, that’s going to cause them to not feel safe, because it forces them to move into their masculine energy, which is not their natural essence, which will turn you off, because she’s acting more like a dude now, and it just spirals out of control. It’s a bad, bad, bad way to go.

First Viewer’s Email:

Hello Coach,

You made a video a year ago called, “Her Ex Is Back & Now She’s Trying with Him.” I’ve moved on and I’m now on my 8th read. Although dating has been a stressful endeavor, (raised by a single mother), I’ve now been on dates with 14 women, one in which I dated six months before ending it this past summer.

That’s the whole point of dating, is so you can get better and you can figure out what’s really important, what you really want, and improve your skills.

I was talking to a guy yesterday, a really nice dude, and he’s been following me for about 15, 16 years now. And part of his problem is he read the original version of the book many, many years ago. I mean, this is going back to the first edition from 2006. So, in 2008, 2009, he came across it, read it a couple of times. And then when the audiobook came out in 2016, he says he listened to it 15 times, but he never really did anything with it. And it’s like, you can watch my videos, you can watch every single video, all the thousands of videos, you can read “3% Man” 100 times, but if you don’t interact with women and if you don’t apply the things that are in the book, you’re not going to get better.

His problem is he met a girl, just in his normal routine of work, because in the type of job he had, he was constantly going into different businesses. And obviously, in a lot of these businesses, the secretary or the girl up front is a cute girl. And one of these girls really liked him. He wasn’t prepared, and he went out on a date with her, it seemed to go well, but there was also same thing. There was an ex in the background, and maybe she got back together with the ex. Maybe he just said and did too many things that turned her off. Because as I was talking to him, I could tell that he was asking me the most basic questions that are covered in the book.

And it had been many years. I mean, the audiobook of “3% Man” has been out seven years now since I recorded that. But he listened to it a bunch when it came out, and he hasn’t listened to it since and hasn’t practiced. It’s like, how are you going to get better? Repetition is the of mother of skill. If you study the material, but you don’t apply it with anybody, you’re not going to get better at it.

It’s just like, you can read 100 books on working out, and physical fitness, and diet and exercise, but if you don’t actually go into a gym, and you don’t do anything to change your diet, you’re not going to get in better shape. You actually have to do work. You must participate in your own rescue. So, it’s super, super important to do that.

So, this guy is out here and he’s dated 14 women in a year. The other guy I was talking to yesterday, I doubt whether he’s dated 14 women in the last 15, 16 years. It’s like, you’re not going to get better with that kind of effort. That’s really sitting on the sidelines of life. And meanwhile, all these years have gone by.

Four months ago, I met a girl at a store I do sales calls at – taller, younger, higher position, etc. Admittedly, I wanted to prove to myself that hypergamy wasn’t real, (former MGTOW guy,) so I took a shot.

The whole thing hypergamy, it’s kind of been turned into a religion. And it’s a nice concept and all, but I don’t look at it as some earth shattering thing, “Oh, hypergamy doesn’t care! Women want to date above their socioeconomic level.” Well, that’s not exclusive to women. I mean, all men and women, we all want to date and punch above our weight, so to speak. We want to feel like we kind of got somebody a little hotter and a little better than we deserved. We want somebody that we’re really proud of, somebody that we feel was out of our league or that we really lucked out, we really did well. There’s no reason to build a whole religion around it.

And why I roast the guys in the MGTOW community and the red pill community is they turn into a religion. Every time they screw up or they do something wrong or they act unattractive, it wasn’t because they did anything unattractive or they made a bad choice in the woman. “Oh, it was hypergamy. It’s not my fault, it was hypergamy. Hypergamy doesn’t care.” Then, it becomes an excuse for everything. It becomes an excuse for every failure.

The reality is, real men blame everything that’s in their life, good and bad, on themselves. Your actions, your words, your deeds, your thoughts, your vibe has attracted these people into your life, good and bad. And any time you want to point the finger and say it’s not your fault, “Oh, it’s hypergamy,” that’s absolving yourself saying, “Hey, it wasn’t my fault. Therefore, I don’t have to change anything. I don’t have to get better.” It’s just, “Shucks, just charge it to the game, on to the next.” But, I mean, at the end of the day, if you don’t fix the issues, you’ll continue to get dumped and blown off and friendzoned for the same exact reasons over and over and over.

To test her interest, I teased her about how bossy she is. I told her she should come help me and let someone boss her for a change. Surprisingly, she came to my aisle and started helping. Within minutes, I asked for a date. On the date, she admitted to rejecting two other guys that week who asked, “Do you have a boyfriend?” and said she loved the way I asked her out. At the end of the night, she almost kissed my face off and whispered, “10/10 date.”

For the next two months, she was aggressive, sending selfies, setting dates herself, etc. But then suddenly, silence.

Now, I have examples where I experienced the same thing. I went on a few dates with a girl that basically sucked my face off at the end of the first date, and then she dipped quickly after that. I was like, “That was weird.” Six months later, I run into her again, or maybe it was closer to a year, and she said that shortly after we had gone out and she was all over me, her ex boyfriend that she had broken up with five or six months before that had gotten in touch, and they ended up getting back together and taking another stroll down memory lane.

And oftentimes that’s the case. And so, that’s why I put specific examples in my book from my own life about when I learned these things, so you can understand it too. But part of what I was talking about earlier about the guy that had been following me 15 years, he’s not really practicing anything. He’s not getting better. He’s not having these rejections, he’s not having these screw ups. And then he meets one girl that he really likes, and then she ghosts him, and he’s just devastated by it. And he tended to pedestalize her a little bit, as well.

Not one text for a month. I got perturbed internally but didn’t keep texting. She texted two weeks after my last message and told me she had a lot of emotional things she needed to heal from. 

So, typically, like I say, if you’re doing everything right, if you’re doing everything textbook and like the guy I was talking to yesterday, I mean, it really seemed like most of what he did on the date was pretty good. I didn’t hear anything that was just earth shatteringly bad. She just disappeared. But also when he met her she was also recently out of a relationship.

Oftentimes, those exes come back into the picture, and you’re, in essence, competing against some guy that she spent several years with. She’s emotionally bonded to him, and you’re just some new dude she’s only been on a few dates with. So, it’s understandable that the other guy has just got the leverage, and you don’t. That’s why, in those cases, your game’s got to be tight. You have to let her come to you. You can’t try to force it.

When we finally met up for a movie night at her place, she confessed she recently got out of a 5-year relationship.

There you go.

And her ex has been texting.

So, she’s all hot and heavy for this guy, it starts progressing, but the ex is doing some things right, and poof, she disappears because she wasn’t over him.

She also mentioned her “close friend” from work has been buying her gifts. Admittedly, it got quieter that night. Then it dawned on me, she NEVER has asked any questions about me, my aspirations, my family, my goals, etc. Not even my age. Nothing. I also realized how some weeks she was super into me, and other times she would go total silence. Her texts have died off. 

It’s obvious, I mean, it’s just so predictable. The ex is the problem. When things are going well with the ex, you don’t hear from her. When it looks like it’s not going to work out with the ex, she’s all over you. She’s probably also an insecure girl. Because a woman who’s got her act together, when it’s over, she’s done and she’s not going back to him. She’s taking time to heal and she’s moving on.

And if she goes out with a new guy, she’s open to things with a new guy, not bouncing back and forth like a yo-yo between the ex and any new guy, or guys, she may be dating. And this is why it’s so important to understand that dating is like tennis. Because for every guy, if you date long enough and you date enough women, you’re going to run into women that are in this exact situation. And that’s why if you hit the ball over the net, in other words, if you text her and she doesn’t text back, she’s probably with the other guy. And when you’re patient, which obviously it looks like this guy was, she reaches out.

A few weeks later, she messaged, “Are you wanting more than this?” I replied, “What do you mean?” She said, “We can keep going, but I want the freedom to whomever comes my way. I’m talking to others, but you’re the only one I’m seeing and sleeping with. I don’t know if I can guarantee anyone a relationship in the future.”

Well, with something like that, I would say, “Well, I’m just getting to know you. I’m dating other women as well, and I want to find the right girl for me. Obviously, you’re still kind of involved with your ex, and it’s kind of a messy situation, and I don’t really want to get wrapped up in that. But I do really like our time together, and I would like to continue seeing you. But I can’t guarantee that I’m going to want to even want to be in a relationship with you because, quite frankly, you’re still involved with your ex, and that’s not something that really excites me.”

“You know, you really should be resolving that situation with him. And then, once you’re 100% sure you don’t want to get back together, that’s an ideal situation for me. But I’ll give you the benefit of doubt, and I’ll give you a chance to win me over.” That should be your mindset, and be playful about it. Because she’s basically helping you because she likes you. She’s telling you what’s going on, that there are other dudes. In other words, “Don’t try to force things. Don’t try to force me into a relationship,” because quite frankly, every other guy she’s encountering is doing that. Like the one dude who is buying her gifts, which comes off as a bribe for sex and a relationship.

The universe has brought me another woman dealing with an ex, and now a coworker. Is it self-respectable to continue anything with her, especially when I see her coworker sometimes?

Who cares? It’s between you and her. You don’t owe anybody anything. Let the best girl win, that should be the mindset. Again, if you watch the movie, “It’s a Wonderful Life,” that’s what was going on. Donna Reed’s character, the whole movie, is trying to get his attention, because they tell the whole love story. There’s other women, I think Violet, the other blonde, really pretty blonde, really likes him, but his mind is, “I’m getting the hell out of this town. I’m not staying here.” But Donna Reed’s character has other plans, and eventually she wins him over.

And Jimmy Stewart’s character, he’s not threatened by other guys in the town. He’s like one of the biggest guys in town, because everybody knows who he is. Everybody loves him. He’s the most eligible bachelor. And that’s the attitude you want to have, “Hey, may the best girl win. Whoever tries the most, whoever is consistent, who treats me the best, is easygoing, easy to get along with, who communicates well, that’s who’s going to get my time.” That should be your attitude.

You shouldn’t have the attitude of, “Ooh, I hope she likes me. I hope I can win her over,” because that’s a lack of confidence. What do you mean, “I hope I can win her over”? It’s, “I hope she can win me over. Hopefully she’ll treat me well enough, consistently enough, that once she falls in love, maybe I’ll agree to be her boyfriend.” That should be the attitude.

When you come from that place and you’re thinking like that, mindset wise, that’s why when she texts you those things about other guys, you don’t get butt-hurt or upset. You have some fun with that and flip it around on her. It’s like, “Well, I’m dating other women too. And, quite frankly, usually I don’t date women that are still talking to and dating their exes, especially women I’m sleeping with. I know there’s a good chance you may even go back to him. Maybe you may try for another run with him. I like you a lot. I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt to win me over. Ideally, I typically don’t get involved with women that are still talking to exes, but I like you. You’re kind of cute, and you’re good in bed, and I’ll give you a shot. Maybe you can win me over.”

I know I became perturbed at times.

That’s a bad way to go. That’s a lack of confidence. You can’t do that.

Is she waiting for a better deal?

So I know the red pill guys will go, “Hyergamy doesn’t care. If she didn’t choose me, it’s because of hypergamy.” It’s like, no, if you act like a bitch, women are going to treat you like a bitch. She’s looking for the most masculine guy who’s the most consistent, the guy that she’s got to work for. And my book teaches you to do that. It actually has solutions.

Unlike the nonsense these guys are getting in the red pill community. Which a lot of them, quite frankly, have fucking ripped me off, and are taking bits and pieces of my work and pass it off as their own. They’re cherry picking and mismatching it with a bunch of red pill nonsense, when they don’t really know what the hell they’re talking about. That’s why I’ve got so many clients these days coming to me that got involved in the red pill community, and it completely wrecked their marriages or their relationships, because most of these guys are just idiots.

Again, she’s going to choose whoever acts the most masculine and the most consistent, the things I talk about in my book. That’s why you’ve got to read it 10 to 15 times, so you can embody that. Because if you embody that, you’re not going to care. Remember, this guy is a recovering MGTOW guy, so he bought the BS about hypergamy being something that’s this exclusive secret. “I know, I have awareness. I know women’s true nature. Oh, they want to date up.” Us guys want to date up too. I mean, just the stupidity I see from some of these comments, it cracks me up. But, you know, you do you boo boo.

Or Is she emotionally unavailable?

Well, partially because, again, she’s involved with her ex. But again, if you have the right mindset, you’d be unperturbed, You’d be amused by all this, and you wouldn’t care. You wouldn’t feel so bad about dating other women, because she’s come right out and said that she’s dating other guys, including the ex.

Is it best to just hook up with a girl like this?

It’s like, you’re the king of your kingdom. You’re a big boy. Put your big boy pants on and make up your own damned mind.

Admittedly, I’m turned off at the idea if she’s sleeping with her, let’s just say, “distasteful” coworker.

Again, you’re getting butthurt and perturbed because you’re afraid of other other men, and that’s the wrong mindset, dude.

I appreciate your wisdom, Coach.

Bob

Like I said, may the best girl win you over. That should be the mindset. Your whole thinking and your whole email is the opposite of what my book teaches. Partly, because you got into the red pill cult nonsense. I always say this, when it comes to the red pill or the Manosphere, I would look at what President Anthony Dream Johnson has to say about it, because he’s been exposing a lot of the frauds and the con artists and the scumbags in the community. And in my interactions with them, the interviews I’ve done with them, he seems to be a high character guy, and he likes people keeping their word. Quite frankly, there are a lot of worms in the community, and I like the fact that he’s rooting some of these clowns out.

Second Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

Huge fan of your work. I have been following you for a year now, and I have had massive success with women after reading your book 40 times.

Forty times? That’s a lot. Nice job. So, when somebody reads the book that much and they practice it, which is the important thing, because if you read it 40 times, but you don’t practice with anybody, you’re not going to get better. Eventually, you’ll just forget it anyway. Nothing’s changed, because you haven’t had real world experiences with the different you.

My goal is to go for 100. I enjoy challenging myself.

If you go through the book 100 times, I would imagine you could probably literally regurgitate it in audiobook format, word for word.

I have been attracting straight 10s, a lot of women I have been with are loyal, stable, and very successful women. Some have been doctors, engineers, architects and entrepreneurs, (sorry for the bragging, ha-ha). I am pretty successful, I run my own business, I am pretty fit and practice multiple martial arts. I have even been told by some of the girls I have been with that I resemble something like James Bond because of my quiet and strong demeanor, (thanks to you coach and my father).

The issue I have been having lately is that these women always want a relationship, and I do as well because they knock my socks off, but the problem I have is that I don’t have any friends, (my only friends live in different cities), and have very little family. I only have my sister and father.

So, despite all that and despite all the success, this guy still kind of has a weak mindset, “I hope she likes me.” He’s got the same issue, “I hope these girls like me.” And what’s helping him is he’s got multiple high character, high quality women, that he’s dating and he’s interacting with, but he hasn’t gotten exclusive with any of them. And so, deep down, he’s afraid if they really get to know what’s really going on his life, what his family and his friends are like…

Honestly, when I read the email the first time, I thought, this is kind of absurd. I wouldn’t even think about this issue regarding my own friends and family. It’s like, I know lots of people, but I’ve got a small group of really close friends and family that I’m in touch with. I mean, at the end of the day, I’ve dated girls that have really big families, and the reality is, not everybody gets along.

In every single family. You always have different factions, aunts, uncles, sisters, brothers, people that don’t like each other, their spouses don’t like each other or whatever. The bigger your family group, the more you’re going to have issues like that. The smaller it is, the less you’re going to have instances of that.

I am afraid that if I let them close enough and they find out about this aspect of my life they would not want to be with me anymore.

Because you’ve got your sister and your dad? It’s like, who cares? I mean, that’s just silly. If you’re really worried about that and then you do discuss it, your feelings of insecurity are going to be exposed. And that’s the issue. If you’re not bothered by it, then they’re not going to be bothered by it.

If they’re like, “Wow, you only have your dad and your sister? You don’t have a big family?” He’s like, “Yeah, we’re a really tight, small family, and I’m really grateful for that.” I’d tell them, “I know people that have got big families, and a lot of times they’ve got factions. Their families are disagreeing and arguing, and there’s drama. It’s kind of nice the way I have it, and I’m very selective about who I spend my time with.”

“I mean, my close friends, I can count them on one hand, and we all don’t live in the same city, and we don’t see each other as often as we would like, but these are lifelong friends that I’m always going to stay in touch with. These are my ride or die people.” I mean, most people are just acquaintances anyway. Most people don’t deserve to be in your inner circle.

I am very introverted and don’t like loud places or crowds.

There you go. I mean, look how that rolled right off of your your tongue.

Honestly, I am not desperate at all to have any friends where I live, and I don’t feel lonely at all. 

Because you enjoy your own time. And that’s something that you can tell her when it comes up. It’s like, “Actually, quite frankly, I love being alone.” I can relate to that, because I love my time alone. I always have people over for the most part, but when I get a day by myself, I love it. I enjoy the silence. I enjoy doing whatever I want to do. I’ve got no complaints about that.

And that’s the way it should be. You should be okay when you’re by yourself. If you’re somebody that can’t be okay unless you’ve got somebody with you, it’s like, you need to really learn to spend your time alone and get to know yourself and enjoy your own company first. Because if you don’t enjoy your own company, you’re not going to be good company to anybody else.

But I can’t get the thought out of my mind of, what if they want to see my family and realize I only have 2 members of family, and what if they want to meet my friends but I don’t have any?

You do have friends. They just don’t live in your city. Just say, “Well, if you make the final cut, babe, over the next few years, you’ll get to meet some of them. These are the kinds of friends that we might not talk for six months or a year, and then we go and hang out, and it’s like we were just together yesterday.” Those are the best kinds of relationships and best kinds of friendships to have. So that’s not nothing to feel bad about. It’s something to be proud about, dude. It’s like, seriously, change your story about that. This is ridiculous.

As a result, I have been ghosting these women, (I know I know).

Ghosting them?

Weirdly enough, doing this has driven them even crazier and they have been calling me 2x more.

They’re seeking your attention and validation. This is what you’re supposed to do. I don’t recommend ghosting them, but if you’re dating multiple women and you don’t want to get exclusive, that’s understandable as well.

I even had one of them come to my apartment to check up on me. I know what I am doing is not okay, and I want to build a relationship, but I fear this fact will cause problems for me. What should I do?

Thank you for reading the email.

Bob

Well, stop ghosting them. That’s just kind of ridiculous. If you don’t want to be in a relationship or you don’t want to be exclusive, just say, “I’m not there yet.” It’s like, “I’ll understand if I’m not moving fast enough and you want to date somebody else. I really like you, but you’ve got to understand, I have a really small, close circle of friends and family. And I know lots of people, but they’re not close friends, they’re just acquaintances.”

“Almost 99.99% of the people in my life, they’re acquaintances. I have a small group of close friends and family, and if I’m going to get serious or exclusive with somebody, it’s going to be because she’s easygoing, she’s easy to get along with. She treats me amazing, she’s sweet to me. She communicates like an adult, she doesn’t stonewall me, she doesn’t go, ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ every time she gets upset about something. I can say, ‘Tell me what’s going on.’ I don’t want to hear ‘I don’t want to talk about that.’ That doesn’t work for me.”

That’s how you set and enforce healthy boundaries when somebody does that. If somebody says, “I don’t want to talk about it,” it’s like, “You need to communicate like an adult. We can’t resolve anything if you’re just going to say, ‘I’m not going to talk about it,’ and then you’re going to sit there and stew. That doesn’t work for me.”

“My friends, my close family, I can count them on one hand. Those are really precious relationships. And if I’m going to get exclusive with anybody, it’s because they have shown consistently over time, day in and day out, week after week, month after month, year after year, that they belong there. And quite frankly, almost everybody does not belong there. And I’m proud of that. And I’m willing to give you a chance, but you’ve got to understand, I’m I’m just taking my time. I’m not in a rush to do anything.”

Great things take time, great relationships take time. So, I would not be ghosting these girls, but I would not be agreeing to be exclusive with them either, because, obviously, you’re not ready. So, change your story about this, because quite frankly, it’s kind of ridiculous. If you adopt the things I just shared with you, you’ll be fine. It’s all in your head anyway.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.