Why You Shouldn’t Focus On Making Her Your Girlfriend

Why you shouldn’t focus on making her your girlfriend or you risk rejection.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a guy who is new to my work. He works in the cruise industry and has been dating a woman for six months. She’s still not over her ex. Things have been going well, but he’s too focused on making her his girlfriend. He’s only focusing on how he feels about her and ignoring how she feels about him. She won’t commit.

He’s getting upset and butt-hurt and is in danger of getting rejected if he doesn’t back off. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who’s new to my work. He works in the cruise industry, so he tends to go on cruises for a while, sometimes multiple weeks at a time. He met a girl, I assume it looks like he lives in Florida, maybe. He met a girl who’s on land, land lover if you will, land based woman. They started dating, but she was, I guess, fresh out of a breakup. She’s not over her ex, and you could tell pretty much from the time they met, he’s been totally focused on locking her down to a commitment and trying to get her to agree to be his girlfriend, and he’s clearly only focused on his interest and his desire to be in a relationship, and he’s completely ignoring where she’s at.

Recently, I guess they went on this cruise and she was with him for like three or four weeks. They had a really great time. Then after they got back, she posted to social media a bunch of pictures, but obviously none of the pictures had him in it. Then he decides to go on to her social media and comment, “Oh, I had such a great time with you.” Then she saw it and deleted that and said, “Hey, we need to talk about that.”

So he’s met some of her family, but it’s pretty clear she’s worried about the ex-boyfriend seeing that she’s dating somebody else because he has no idea. So it looks like she’s kind of holding out hope. If you date long enough, you’re going to come across a woman who’s fresh out of a relationship, and the last thing you want to do in these situations is to pressure her. As I talk about in 3% Man, which you guys if you haven’t started reading yet, UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the free email newsletter and you can start reading it for free. As I discuss in the book, a man’s job in the courtship is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, have fun and hook up. It’s not to lock a girl down or to get into a relationship, because that’s feminine energy, and most guys are in a mad dash and a mad rush to lock a woman down to a commitment.

Women take a lot longer and they’re a lot slower to fall in love and want to be exclusive. When a guy keeps pressuring a woman like this, he’s going to, in essence, chase her out of his life, and that’s kind of what’s starting to go on, because he’s been dating her, I think, since April. So basically six, seven months at this at this point, he’s been dating this woman, and he’s just constantly trying to lock her down to a commitment, trying to broadcast to the world that this is his girlfriend. Even on the cruise, he was introducing people that he met on the cruise, “Oh, this is my girlfriend.” She went along with it, but when they’re back on land, she likes to keep everything on the down low.

As I discussed in the book, it should be the woman bringing up the commitment, because that’s feminine energy after all. Bonding, connecting, opening up to receive love, dating, relationship labels, family, nesting, making a home together. That’s all feminine energy. It’s typically inappropriate for the guy to be focused on those things, because most of the time, the guy, he’s already decided that he wants to be in a relationship and she’s just still trying to get to know him. If you try to lock a girl down into a commitment, especially like this guy, I mean, he’s been dating her six months, constantly trying to lock her down to a commitment, and she just won’t. She keeps declining because she’s not ready, because it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear, and he’s way more into her than she is into him. Women only care about how they feel about you, not what a great dude you are. It’s important to let her come to you at her pace. Then when she’s ready and she feels ready, she’ll be ready to lock you down. Especially in a situation like this where there’s an ex in the background, what ends up happening is you will chase her back into the life of her ex boyfriend if you don’t back off.

It’s a good email to learn from, to learn what not to do because a lot of guys experience this. They come on too strong, they get too serious too soon. They see a girl and they’re like, “Oh, this is perfect. This is my dream girl,” and they’ve already decided when they first meet her that this is what they’re looking for. Meanwhile, women are like, “Do I like this guy? Is he good for me?” They’re taking their time to get to know him and see how they feel about him. Most guys don’t understand that. Especially when you take into account what is typically portrayed in movies and in TV, it’s got to get a ring on that finger, got to lock her down, or else Chad is going to come along and steal her from you.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

I hope you’re having a great week! I’m new to your work, but several of my friends have recommended I follow you for a while now…

So he obviously wasn’t listening, but now that things are squirrelly, now he’s open to it. That’s typically what happens. Those of you that have been following me for a while, you’re very familiar with my work, you probably even bought your friends copies of the book and gave it to them and, “Hey, did you read that book?” “Yeah, I got to get around to that,” but it’s not until something goes sideways that they’re like, “What was that book? What I need to do.” Then they’re interested when they’re in immediate pain.

…So I have begun to do so and am halfway through How To Be A 3% Man. I’d really appreciate your thoughts on a situation I’m in. I met this girl in April, and we really hit it off. I’ve done more with her than I’ve done with any other girl, and things were going great at first, but now I’m in a bit of a tricky spot.

Well again, the thing to keep in mind is, a man’s job in a courtship is just simply to create an opportunity for sex to happen. That’s it. All relationships start out as casual. If you look at the older movies from the 40s and 50s, the women were always trying to get the guys to commit to them and get married and live happily ever after. Today, it’s portrayed exactly the opposite. The women are the masculine, stoic ones, the quiet, reserved ones, and the men are insecure and unsure of themselves, and they’re basically begging women to spend time with them. You do that in the real world, it doesn’t work because it’s unnatural.

For context, I work on cruise ships, so I’m often away, but my current contract ends December 15th, and I plan to switch careers to something that doesn’t require so much travel. Because of my schedule, I don’t get to see her often, but when I’m in town, we spend a lot of time together and do fun things like going to Disney World. Early on, I asked her where her head was at, and she told me she had recently ended a 4.5 year relationship and lived with her ex.

So you got to consider she got way more time in with this guy. She’s mostly bonded to him, and if you just met her a few months after a four and a half month relationship ended, you should expect a lot of hot and cold behavior and her vacillating back and forth. She has to have time away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to think about where she stands and to miss you. So when she becomes unsure, she reaches out and then you simply set the next date. If you’re constantly calling, constantly pursuing, constantly texting, constantly chasing after her, constantly asking her where you stand, eventually you’re going to get the, “I need space. I need time to think. I need some time alone. I need to heal. I’m not sure I’m able to be at this point in my life.” They’re just not in the same place.

She says she’s over him but is still processing the breakup.

In other words, she’s not over him because if she was truly over him, she wouldn’t be processing the breakup. She’s having a hard time getting over it, and he’s not making it any easier because you want to be the fun, romantic, great sexual escape. You want to have great sexual chemistry. You want to have fun so every time she sees you, she feels good, she can relax, she has fun, she gets seduced, she has lots of happy finishes.If you’re constantly pressuring her, then that’s what she’s going to feel when she’s with you, that you’re kind of needy, clingy and you need her approval. Whether he this guy realizes it or not, that’s what he’s doing. He’s seeking her approval like a little boy that didn’t get enough strokes from mommy and daddy and he needs her to tell him that he’s a good little boy and he’s loved and he’s cared for, and it’s going to turn her off if you behave that way.

I told her there’s no pressure.

Oh, he’s definitely pressuring her! You could say there’s no pressure, but if you act like there’s pressure and you put pressure on her, well your words are meaningless.

I’m interested in her, and neither of us is talking to anyone else.

Well, except the fact that she’s probably still in contact with her ex-boyfriend.

Like I said, by the time we get to the end of the email, it’s clear she’s worried about what the ex-boyfriend thinks. So if we look at her actions, she’s definitely not over the ex.

Essentially, I’ve been waiting for her to be ready to date, even though we already act like a couple.

Well, you treat her like your girlfriend, but she’s not treating you like her boyfriend because again, you’re kind of dopey and you’re focused on how you feel about her. You’re all up in your feelings and you’re basically acting like a chick, and it’s unattractive. So that’s what’s delaying her falling in love with you and wanting to lock you down.

She just hasn’t been ready to commit because she’s still working through her own stuff.

Well, on top of that, you’re acting needy, neurotic, controlling, you’re smothering her, you’re chasing her too much, you’re too focused on your own feelings and you’re not even really paying attention to hers and how she feels about you.

Recently, I found out her ex doesn’t know about me. They still follow each other on social media, though he lives in North Carolina, far from us. One night before the cruise, I took her out to dinner and she got up and went to the bathroom and came back crying saying that and said that she was sorry because she got a really long passage from her ex. She mentioned he reached out the day after her birthday to wish her a happy birthday, and she told me about it.

If she’s having a meltdown over a text she got from the ex, she’s clearly not over him despite what she says. You can just look at the fact that she’s bawling her eyes out. That’s when you got to kind of pump the brakes, hang out, have fun, hook up. That’s it. Hang out, have fun, hook up. Not hang out, give her a hard time about not making you her boyfriend and then hook up. You’re going to chase her out of your life.

That’s when I asked if he knew about me, and she said no.  

I brought her on one of my cruise contracts, which happened to be over her birthday, and we had an amazing time. She even let me…

She even let me, woo! You can tell he’s pedestalized her.

…Introduce her as my girlfriend several times.

So who’s got the power in the relationship? Clearly her. You’re trying to make her the dude. You’re seeking her approval like a little boy. This is not attractive. This is not masculine. This is not how men are supposed to act. Just the fact that you wrote something like that, “She even let me introduce her as my girlfriend several times.” He’s totally dopey and goo goo gaga over her.

(Though she made sure to remind me beforehand that we weren’t officially dating).

It’s like bro, you need to get a clue. Just because you’re focused on locking her down and you telling everybody in your life that she’s your girlfriend is not going to pressure her to acquiescing. She ain’t feeling it, and the more you pressure her, the more she’s going to bounce, the more she’s going to become distant from you.

She was affectionate the entire cruise, and I was genuinely so happy.

Yeah, because what are the odds that she’s going to run into or see somebody that knows her or that knows her ex? That’s why she was a little more comfortable, but she did pull you aside and said, “Hey, we’re not boyfriend/girlfriend,” even though you kept introducing her as your girlfriend. Again, you need to get a clue, dude.

She seemed to be too. But after the cruise, her behavior changed.

Yeah, because now she’s back on land and she’s worried that if people see you treating her and talking about her as if she’s your girlfriend, it’s going to get back to the ex-boyfriend who she clearly isn’t over, who she’s possibly carrying the torch for. Maybe he dumped her, we don’t really know, but he does live in another state. So he didn’t say whether they were long distance or not.

She mentioned she’d probably post some photos from the trip but wouldn’t tag me, claiming we’d already talked about it, though I don’t remember that conversation.

Well, I remember the conversation and I wasn’t even there because you put it in the email. She’s told you numerous times you’re not boyfriend/girlfriend. Therefore, if you’re not boyfriend/girlfriend, you can’t expect her to act like you’re boyfriend and girlfriend, but he’s kind of controlling and he’s trying to shoehorn himself into her life. He’s basically forcing himself on her. It’s not going to go well if you keep doing this, dude.

She posted two sets of photos without me in them, and the third post upset me because not only was I not in any of the 15 photos, but she also deleted my comment. I had written, “I had such a great time with you :)…”

Again, it’s like you’re trying to shoehorn yourself into her life and announce to anybody that follows her on social media that, “Hey, her and I spent the whole time together. I just want everybody to know,” and she deleted it because again, she kept telling you you’re not in a relationship. So in her mind, she had talked to you about it, but because you’re only focused on your interest in her and you’re pedestalizing her, treating her like a celebrity and you’re trying to lock her down to a commitment. She’s not ready to announce to the world that you’re her boyfriend. She doesn’t feel it. You can’t ignore that, dude.

…But she didn’t see it until the next day. When I said good morning, she told me she deleted the comment and wanted to have a conversation later in the week to share her thoughts.

You gotta pump the brakes. It’s much better if women think that they’re more into you than you are into them. What’s going on here is you’re acting like a girl. You’re assuming the woman’s role in the courtship and repulsing her, and it’s getting in the way of her falling in love with you and emotionally bonding with you and actually getting over her ex. You have to let women come to you at their pace. No amount of you acting needy, neurotic, drooling all over her, kissing her ass, pedestalizing her, telling her how much you really, really super duper supercalifragilisticexpialidocious like her, it has no effect on her feelings towards you.

She said it wasn’t a huge deal but wanted to explain. After that, she tried to carry on like nothing had happened, but I felt really hurt and have been distant with her since. Her family and friends know about me, but it seems like she’s hiding me from someone.

Obviously the ex and probably other people because she’s not ready. She keeps telling you this, but you don’t listen because again, you’re acting like an insecure, needy little girl, and you’re only focused on your interest in her and you’re completely ignoring what she’s doing. She’s trying to help you. She’s telling you what to do. She’s basically saying, “Let me come to you at my pace,” and you’re not doing that. Then you’re taking it as a personal rejection, like mommy didn’t give you the attaboy you were expecting. This is not attractive. That is not masculine. This is not manly.

I’ve had most of October free but will be leaving for a 24-night cruise at the end of the month, so I won’t see her for a while.

I’m feeling lost. I really like this girl, but it feels like there’s something she’s not telling me…

Well, she’s being very clear. You’re just not listening.

…And I feel disrespected, especially since I’ve done so much for her…

Again, women don’t care about how much you do for them. They only care about how they feel about you, and you’re focused on this like it’s a transaction, like the old Chris Rock skit. “Oh, let me open the door for you. Hey, want some dick? Hey, let me take take you to dinner. Want some dick? Hey, let’s go to lunch. Want some dick? Hey, why don’t you come over to my house and we’ll make dinner together? Want some dick? Hey, come on, a cruise with me. Want some dick?”

…Including giving her a 9-night cruise for free.

This is not horse trading, dude. It was great that you took her on the trip, but you shouldn’t look at it like you deserve to get rewarded by her finally acquiescing to be your girlfriend because it’s not her choice. You’re trying to twist her arm and guilt her into complying. This is total beta male activity. It’s unattractive, dude. You cannot behave this way.

She also gives me mixed signals and talks about things in our future in a positive way as if we are going to be dating but then will also do the exact opposite on a different day.

Well, women are like cats. There’s a chapter in the book. Don’t take it personally. One day she might be feeling really good, the next day she might be feeling sad and lonely. She might be looking at her ex’s social media and see something she doesn’t like. It kind of looks like he dumped her. So on some level, she kind of seems like she’s hoping that he’s going to come back maybe, and if he tries to come back and you’re behaving this way, she’ll just dip, tell you she, “Needs time to heal. I’m not ready for a relationship,” and then she won’t see you anymore.

She will say that I have been the best guy to her ever and done more for her than any other guy and treat her so well but she will say things like she does not deserve me because I am too nice. 

There it is. You’re too much of a nice guy. You act like a pussy. You pedestalize her. You kiss her ass. You’re like Mr. White Knight. It’s unattractive. You can’t guilt her into wanting to be with you. It’s much more attractive and masculine, and it’ll make you feel better if it’s her idea to lock you down to a commitment. Instead, you’re trying to act like a woman because you’ve seen too many Disney movies.

This has been going on now for around seven months. 

Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated. I’m new to your work and really looking forward to hearing what you think.

Thanks,

Bob

Well, what I would do if I were you is I wouldn’t reach out to her at all. I’d let her do all the calling, texting and pursuing. When you hear from her, obviously if you’re on the ship, do a Skype video date maybe once a week. Stop focusing on your feelings. Stop getting butt-hurt about how much she likes you or not, and let her come to you at her pace. Then when you get back to land, create a date, hang out, have fun, hook up. Let her be the one to try to lock you down. Let her be the one to wonder where she stands with you, because it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.

I highly recommend you watch the old black and white movie from the 40s, It’s A Wonderful Life with Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed, because Jimmy Stewart’s character embodies this perfectly. Also, Charade with Audrey Hepburn and Cary Grant from the 60s is another really good movie to see how a guy is just deadpan humor, always kind of hiding his interest, not revealing too much, but when he takes it a little too far and it kind of hurts her feelings, he reassures her that he cares. Same thing Jimmy Stewart does. He’s a little too much of a cold fish, and then he causes her to cry at one part in the movie, then he braces her, kisses her and tells her that he loves her. Then they get married right after that, because that’s what she’s always wanted. She wore him down. This is natural for men. This is the way we’re supposed to be. It used to be that way in the culture, but once the cultural Marxism got instituted, everything changed. They’ve been trying to turn men into women and women into men, and get you to act in ways that are unnatural to your natural essence that comes from the creator.

So you just need to chill the fuck out, dude. Let her come to you at her pace. Stop focusing on locking her down to a commitment. Hang out, have fun, hook up. That’s it. Rinse, recycle, repeat. It’s all laid out for you in the book, because if you don’t stop this, you’re creating the conditions where at any time, if the guy wants to come back, the ex wants to come back, he can just say the word and she’s going to ditch you and jump right back to him. Then you’re going to be heartbroken instead of letting her come to you at her pace, letting her do all the calling, texting and pursuing and you just simply make dates that lead to sex at her place or yours. It’s such an easy thing to fix. You got to stop acting so needy, so neurotic, so insecure, and all this approval seeking behavior because it’s unmasculine, it’s unnatural and you’re acting too nice. She even came right out and said it. When a woman says she feels like she doesn’t deserve you because you’re too nice, what she’s really saying is, “I feel guilty that you’re so much more into me than I am into you,” and you keep doing that. Eventually she’ll break up with you and go, “Oh, it’s not you, it’s me,” when in reality, it’s you. So knock it off. Let her come to you at her pace.

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