The importance of understanding how a woman’s emotions influence their behavior instead of logic.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who says he got dumped by his on again off again relationship with his ex-girlfriend of over three years. He says his beta male behavior was the reason he got dumped. A week after she moved out, she came back and they made dinner together and hooked up for the next several days. Then she became flaky and disappeared again saying that she needed to focus on herself.
He’s only read 3% Man, once so far and doesn’t realize her behavior is totally natural and cat-like. I explain why she is behaving this way and what to do to create the conditions that she comes back at her pace without trying to force things. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Well I’ve got an email from this particular guy. He said he had an on again off again relationship with his girlfriend of three years. I guess he’s pretty new to my work. He’s only been through 3% Man one time, but he recognizes that his acting like a beta male is what led to him getting dumped. Probably that’s why the relationship has been so on and off. When he acted attractive, she stayed with him, but when he acted like a beta and a doormat, she walked all over him, pushed him away, then later came back.
This is a pattern that looks like it’s been going on since they got together. So he walked away after he got rejected, I guess she started dating somebody else. Then a week or two later, after she moved out of their place, because I guess they were living together, she came back and they were hooking up for three or four days. He gave her a key. “Hey, this is for you,” and then poof! She disappeared again.
So it’s really confusing to him. He’s trying to figure out what is going on. “She was so hot for me and so into me.” Then now all of a sudden, it’s like poof. So he’s new to my work obviously, and it hasn’t clicked with him yet that because he’s like, “I don’t understand. She was so into it. How can she do a complete 180?” So he’s new.
He doesn’t understand that women are like cats, and this is totally normal, and they’re driven by their emotions and not has nothing to do with logic and reason, which obviously is very confusing because most men tend to think that women think like we do, and vice versa.
Women tend to think that us guys think like they do, and so it’s important to understand the differences in how we communicate, especially if you’re trying to decipher what a woman actually means, because what she does often doesn’t reflect what she says she’s going to do. That can be extremely frustrating for men. Once you understand how they operate, it’s predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west.
So let’s go through his email, because this guy is obviously trying to re-attract his ex back, who knows for how many times this happened. He says it’s been on again off again ever since they started dating, so just from the little bit of information he shared in here, I can tell that that’s he’s vacillating back and forth between being in his masculine and being very effeminate and girly and making her the boss in the relationship, which goes over like a lead balloon.
I was recently dumped on my beta ass over a month ago by my ex over a text and she was kind enough to line up a young replacement for her to immediately flock to. I am 34 and she is 31 and we were together off and on for 3 1/2 years. Before the break up, I made all the wrong moves and might as well have been a beta male recruiter.
Well, at least he can laugh at himself. This is important to be able to acknowledge your own mistakes. Obviously after watching videos and going through my book, he’s like, “Oh, I acted like a total beta male. No wonder she left me,” because this is really an attraction issue regardless of any character issues.
The book is written with the premise that you’re dealing with a normal, healthy woman and not some chick that’s got all kinds of mental health issues or narcissistic issues going on, or a girl that comes from a broken home. We’re just assuming that this girl, just for instructional purposes, is normal and healthy, unless she gives away like really glaring signs or behavior that she’s a nut.
Since that time, I have read 3% Man three times and I have watched a ridiculous amount of your content. I still have a ton of work to do and 12 more read-throughs and a lot of applying as I make more mistakes below.
It would seem things didn’t go well with Chad Thundercock as she texted me about a week after she moved out.
So they broke up, I guess four or five weeks ago. Then it wasn’t until, I guess, the last two weeks that she actually moved out of their place, and so she was only gone for like a week.
She sent that “Hey” text and I responded the same. She called me and after about four minutes I told her I had to go and that she should come over tomorrow evening (Saturday) and we can make dinner together.
So he’s obviously, I assume, following what is in the instructions in the video, in the article that I did years ago, 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, because she left, she moved out. Therefore, she ended the relationship.
More than likely, she was the one that ended the relationship in the times in the past when they had their time out. That made it off and on. So she screws it up, she’s got to fix it. That’s why, at this point, she’s got to do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing, but obviously he’s not adhering to that because it’s really hard for him to do the right thing.
When she arrived she was very nervous. Eventually, that subsided as I made the atmosphere very fun and flirty. We took things to the couch and she was touching my leg, holding my hands and occasionally kissing my head. At one point, I went for a kiss but she said no, so I backed off and the prior activities continued.
So this is a good illustration of two steps forward, one step back, but if he’d have been familiar with the kiss test, he shouldn’t have gotten rejected. Then again, he’s only read the book three times so far. Plus he’s since he got dumped.
Rejection breeds obsession, so you can imagine his emotions are overriding all of his logic and reason to do the right thing, follow what’s in the book, especially if he spent his whole life 30 something plus years being the old way.
It takes time and repetition to exhibit the new behavior and the masculine behavior consistently, especially when you’ve been doing it for your whole life otherwise.
We ended up doing the indoor Olympics that night. The next day, she came over crying, begging for me back and I told her that I would give her the chance to earn me back. The indoor Olympics continued the rest of Sunday and all day Monday. Tuesday came and I had to leave for work. I gave her a spare apartment key so she could lock up. Bad idea. I think this made her think things were going too fast.
Yeah, but this is not some girl you just had three dates with or your first date with. This is a girl that’s been your girlfriend for three and a half years, and she just moved out a couple of weeks ago. So this is not a bad idea.
Remember, as Thich Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” You give her the key to make things easy for her. Other than that, it’s like no big deal. Women are like cats, so this is totally understandable. You go from being broken up to basically having three full days together of the indoor Olympics, basically acting like you’re back together. So it’s totally understandable. Quite frankly, it’s predictable that she’s going to need to, “Work on myself. I’m overwhelmed,” and run off to go be by herself, and you have to let her be.
That’s part of loving someone, so they feel free. In other words, if she feels the urge to go and be present with their feelings back at home or whatever, talk to her girlfriends, her mom or female coworkers, whatever, that’s why you have to just let her be. So this is totally normal. This is totally to be expected.
I know you’ve only been through the book three times, but you’re in the middle of this situation when you came to my work. So it’s a lot harder to make corrective changes to your life when you’re emotionally invested in somebody versus you’re single. You find my work, you start applying the book, you start applying it to your dating life, you start to slowly see better results over time, and then eventually six months, a year, whatever happens to be you meet somebody that you’re really click with.
By that time you’ve been through enough successful repetitions of what’s in the book, that even when you start to feel overwhelmed emotionally, you’ve had so many successful repetitions of doing it the right way that it’s pretty easy to do the right thing, but he’s in the middle of a situation he’s trying to course correct.
I came home and she was gone, and she didn’t text me all day.
It’s OK. It’s totally normal.
Being beta, I sent a text asking if she was OK.
Remember, whatever you say to a woman is whatever you cause her to feel and is what she’s going to associate with being with you. Your text assumes something is wrong, so that just clearly illustrates the point that this whole time he’s been involved with her, she’s always had the power. He’s always given it away. He’s always in. Whether it’s through the tone of his voice, the words he chooses. It’s actually how he’s saying things. He’s communicating that he doesn’t feel like he’s worthy to be there and deserves her.
The number one strength characteristic that women find attractive in men is confidence. So when you’re thinking this way, you’re the opposite of what a woman needs from you in order to stay attracted to you. You’re vacillating back and forth from being confident to being unconfident, and that exacerbates her behavior. When you’re displaying a lack of confidence, it makes her feel wishy-washy and she leaves. She wants to go be alone.
She ghosted me.
You shouldn’t be chasing. 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing needs to be done by her. You gave her the key. “Call me later.” That’s all you need to say. If you don’t hear from her for a day or two or whatever, you can’t freak out and start chasing her. More than likely, him chasing her is what caused him to chase her out of his life and three and a half years together. It’s the same pattern over and over.
So I could tell this is what he’s always done. Even though he’s in the middle of it, even though he’s been through the book three times, and even though I assume he went through 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, he’s still not doing what it teaches because, quite frankly, deep down he’s afraid to lose her.
So he’s afraid to do the things that I teach. He’s doing some of the things, but not all the things. Like obviously when she came over, he did two steps forward, one step back when he got rejected, when he went for the kiss and they still ended up sleeping together.
It was radio silence until Friday. To which she came over and said that she needed to work on herself.
See? That’s how it works. The kitty cat missed home base. You gave her the space. You only texted her once, which you shouldn’t have texted her at all, but this is totally normal.
Your job in the courtship is just create the next opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up. That’s it. It’s not locking her down. It’s not getting back together. It’s not getting back into a relationship. It’s not asking her to move back in with you. It’s just simply creating the next opportunity for sex to happen.
He gave off the right vibe when she came over. It was fun and flirty. That’s perfect because love is playful and fun. That’s the way it’s supposed to be, but you can tell he’s thinking from the end, “I want my girlfriend back. I want her to move in.” You can’t think that way. She’s got to earn another chance with you, dude. Not the other way around, and you’re still trying to seek her attention and validation and get her to choose you over Chad Thundercock or whatever other dude she may be talking to.
She mentioned the monkey branching past and present and other things she wants to fix. Now that I’ve lost control of the situation, the beta male came out and I tried to reason with her, stupid me.
Again, you should have just been focusing on hanging out, having fun, and hooking up and let her work through her emotions or whatever.
Nevertheless, her attraction had clearly fallen below 51% and my words were futile.
Well, I wouldn’t say it dropped below five because she still came over. If it was below five, you would have just never heard from her again.
She tried to friend-zone me and I flat out refused.
Yeah, because you started acting weak and unattractive in the same way that you did that got you rejected. It’s probably been exactly why it’s been on and off for three and a half years.
I then told her that once she walks out the door, I will not contact her ever again (mistake?)…
Well, I wouldn’t have said that. I would just said, “You’ll be back. Call me later, cutie.”
…And that if she reaches out to me, she is open to romance.
It’s like you don’t take things that are in the book explaining this philosophy to you as a man, and then copy and paste that and give it to her like it’s a line. Come on, dude. “I must tell her. Don’t come back unless she wants sex and romance.”
I doubt she will ever reach out again, even if I want her to and I shouldn’t.
She’ll probably be back.
I have the scarcity mindset in full. Obviously, I want to reach out more than anything…
It’s got to be her idea, dude. That’s the whole thing, is that you’re trying to control this and you’re trying to control chaos. Feminine energy is chaos. Her behavior is totally normal, totally predictable, and you’re all focused, “How can I lock her down? How can I make her mine again?” Which is the wrong, wrong attitude.
You should be letting her come to you at her pace, and you just simply make the next date, the next opportunity for sex to happen.
…But I also told her I would never contact her again.
Again, I wouldn’t have said that either, but it’s totally unnecessary. Again, he’s trying to copy and paste things he read in the book or saw in a video, as if it’s some magic pickup line that fixes everything.
Deep down I know I need to continue to read the book, apply it and find someone new.
Well, having other choices would help you because it’s obvious that she has other choices. If you had two or three other girls, especially if they were pretty and you got along well with them, you wouldn’t be such a rush to lock this one down. You wouldn’t be trying to lock her down. You’d be trying to see if you can find somebody better, which is, quite frankly, what you should be doing.
That’s what the book instructs. It’s what 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back instructs. She should just be one of the girls in your rotation and her she’s going to have to do a complete 180 and change for the better in order to win you over.
I just want to know what happened? Why the 180?
Women are like cats. It’s right out of the book, bro. You spent three days together, so she got really familiar, got really comfortable.
Was it the key?
No, it’s just normal. That’s just the way they are. The key was fine. Again, this is not some girl you went out on one date and said, “Hey, here’s a key to my place,” then that would have been a bit much, but your ex girlfriend, who just moved out a few weeks before, it’s not a big deal. Besides, you’ve already given it to her. It is what it is.
What if she does come back?
Create the next opportunity for sex to happen. That’s it. That’s all you’re supposed to do.
I look forward to the brutal truth.
Well, you’re getting perturbed, and you’re getting all wrapped up in her emotions and her changing behavior, and she’s responding totally normal. She’s behaving based upon her feelings. You spend a lot of time together, and so you’ve got to think in terms of like, “What is that like? What is that like as a cat?” So if a cat jumps in your lap and it’s purring and you’re petting it for a while and you keep petting it, maybe your hand gets a little tired because you’re tired of petting it. Then after a while, the cat’s like, “All right, I’ve had enough of this.” Then the cat just hops up and jumps out of your lap and goes to do something else.
What he did was, “Wait. I’m not done petting you yet,” and he started running after the cat and the cat went through the kitty cat door and jumped the fence. Now it’s somewhere in the neighborhood, but it came back, so it’s not a big deal.
Thank you in advance and for all your content and efforts!
So again, as 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says, your pursuit is over forever, dude. All you have to do wait to hear from her. Make the next date. Hang out, have fun, hook up when she wants to stay over. Great.
When you don’t hear from her, go out with other girls. Improve your skills. Go hang out with your mom. Go hang out with your sister. Go hang out with your guy friends. Go to the gym. Reconnect with any friendships that you let go by the wayside in the last three and a half years that you were together. Focus on yourself as a man and get to a happy place, because right now, all of your happiness is wrapped up on whether or not this chick decides to stick around.
Women are like cats, “Her behavior when I’m seeing her is totally normal.” This is totally to be expected. You’re just freaking out about it because you don’t understand women. Again, this is explained in detail in the book and the more times you go through it, eventually the light bulbs will go off and the dots will start to connect.
The important thing is, if a woman is pursuing you, she’s not dumping you. She’s not getting rid of you. She’s not blowing you off. She’s not ghosting you. You have to let women come to you at their pace. That’s what she’s trying to do. Other than that, one text chasing after her. Other than that, you’ve been pretty good. You also handled the the situation the right way when she tried to friend-zone you.
When she tries to friend zone you, she’s basically says, “Hey, stay in the backup position while I explore other options.” You said, “I’m not having any of that. I’m interested in sex and romance.” That’s it.
So if she reaches out, you assume she wants to see you make the next date, hang out, have fun, hook up. It’s that simple. You should definitely review 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, and obviously keep reading the book.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.
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