Why women need stability, masculinity and men who are dependable in relationship, or their attraction will drop.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who got dumped by his girlfriend of a year and a half. He only read 3% Man 4 times in 4 years, but things were going well in the beginning of his relationship with his now ex-girlfriend. Last summer he lost his job and started a new business. She got pregnant but ultimately lost the baby. Due to the stress of supporting her during the difficult pregnancy and the new business, he felt his tank was empty and he became cranky, irritable, and often snapped at her in anger.
Eventually, she broke up with him and moved out. He says they both need space to heal, but she blocked him on all platforms. He’s in no contact but wonders what to do next. This email illustrates how important it is for a man to be stable, reliable, dependable, masculine and centered at all times, in order to maintain romantic attraction and a great relationship. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
He’s trying to comfort her, be a good boyfriend, but he said he felt like his tank was empty, and she wasn’t working either. And so, they’re both living together, he’s starting a new business, he’s working from home. He’s cranky, he takes it out on her, vice versa, and eventually, she just tires of it and dips out. And you know what’s funny about this? With this kind of an issue, the red pill dudes would just go, “Oh, it’s all hypergamy.” But if you act like a bitch, women are going to treat you like a bitch. I say it all the time.
And so, this is a good email to understand the importance, because for us guys, when our lives feel stable, that’s when we feel like having a long term relationship. Like, in this case, you start a new business, there’s lots of chaos in your life, men are going to typically want to stay single and not get into long term relationships. Their dating life is going to be more for short term hookups, friends with benefits, things of that nature, just because they don’t feel stable enough in order to have a long, healthy relationship.
Because if a woman is going to depend on you – like in this case, she’s pregnant, I assume she quit her job because the pregnancy was very difficult – as a man, you’ve got to provide a stable home. You’ve got to provide a stable roof. If she’s depending on you for everything, and ultimately, if you’re going to have kids together, maybe she’s going to be a stay at home mom, you’ve got to continue to provide that stable environment.
And because you’re going through stresses in your own life, you can’t change like this guy did. He, in essence, went from hanging out, having fun and hooking up, being easygoing, easy to get along with, and then life puts some pressure on him, and he in essence, comes unglued. He became uncentered, lost his masculine frame, if you will, and his girlfriend no longer felt safe and comfortable trusting his leadership. And on top of that, they’re not hanging out and having fun and hooking up anymore. He’s snapping at her constantly. And it doesn’t matter if you’re together for three months or 30 years, if you go through a difficult period of time long enough, no matter how much history you have together, and your girl doesn’t feel safe and comfortable, eventually, at some point, she’s going to tap out on you.
And it’s easy just to go, “Oh, well, it’s hypergamy.” It’s like, no, that has nothing to do with it. If you’re going to act like a bitch and provide an unstable home and an unstable environment, no woman is going to stay with you. That’s a fact of life. And a lot of these idiots in the red pill community don’t understand that. And it’s just easy to go, “Oh, it’s not my fault, it’s hypergamy.” But you could see here, this guy made things worse. Plus he didn’t read the book enough. He only he read it four times in four years, as he said, so he didn’t know it well enough. But quite frankly, he’s a young dude. It’s the first time he’s lived with a girl. I mean, if it was me and I was living and walking in his shoes, I probably would have reacted the same way.
Another thing that’s important, I always talk about having a woman that’s easygoing, easy to get along with. That’s super important. There’s got to be at least one of you in the relationship that’s mostly a happy go lucky, pretty calm type of person. Because if one of you tends to be grumpy and irritable, and then you get two grumpy and irritable people together, and then you take that grumpy and irritable dude and you squeeze him with life stress, it’s going to spiral out of control and the relationship will blow up. So, it’s important also that you vet properly when you’re dating and you make sure you’ve got somebody that that’s a good balance to you.
If you tend to be a hothead or you tend to be grumpy and cranky, it’d be good to have a woman who’s easygoing, bubbly, and likes to laugh a lot. Because when you’re in a bad mood, she’s going to be looking for ways to crack you up and make light of the situation, so you both can laugh and have a good time. But if you’re with an irritable girl, and then you go through a difficult time, it can be like nitroglycerin.
So, with that in mind, let’s go through this guy’s email, and see what he can do. Because now his girl has moved out. She broke up with him. She blocked him on all platforms, and he’s at the point right now, he’s like, “I just need space for myself, anyway.” It’s like, “After everything I’ve been through in the last year, this is just stressful as hell. I’d like to have some time apart.”
And it’s also important, when you live on top of each other, you’ve got to have a place where you can go, a man cave, as a man, where you can go and shut the door, put some music on, go in the garage, the tool shed, whatever. Go hang out with your buddies, have a few beers, blow off some steam. You’ve got to be able to have some space for yourself to contemplate and think, instead of being around each other 24/7, because it just doesn’t end well. And, obviously, didn’t end well for this guy.
But this is a good email that we can all learn from, because no matter how good you are, something’s going to happen in life. Something might happen to one of your kids, your kids gets really sick, has a serious illness, or whatever. Like in this case, the baby had problems, had some issues, and unfortunately, they lost the baby. And so, that’s a stressful thing. In other words, the death of a child, that’s like throwing a grenade in anybody’s relationship.
That’s hard enough to get over, and then you throw on top of that that he’s not stable. He’s living off his savings, basically, and he’s started a new business. And his girl’s not working because of what she’s going through. It’d be hard for any guy, including myself, if I was his age and had his experience, and was going through what he’s going through, to maintain a good relationship and not have the girl be like, “That’s it, I’m out.”
That’s why you’ve got to be stable. Especially if you’re going to get married, or you’re going to live together long-term, you’ve got to make sure your life is stable. And if something becomes unstable, you’ve got to quickly resolve it. When you’re starting a brand new business, you’re being an entrepreneur for the first time. You don’t know what you don’t know. You think, “Oh, my business will be doing great in six months or two years.”
I mean, for those of you that read Mastering Yourself, despite all the success I had had in construction, and real estate, and the mortgage business, when I started the business I’m in now, I thought, “Six months, a year or two, and I’ll be right back to where I was, making multiple six figures.” And it was many years. I mean, it took four years just to figure out my business model an the right way to offer my product services – to market it in a way that was profitable, where my revenues exceeded my expenses. And then it took time to build it from there to where I could have a really good lifestyle.
But it took a long time. It took way longer than I thought, and it took way more money than I thought it was going to. And most people, when they’re young, and they don’t know any better, and they’re starting their first business out, it’s the same thing with this guy. He probably thought, “In a few months, this is a great business opportunity, I’ll be doing great.” And obviously, it’s not happening as fast as he expected it to.
I hope you’re well. Thank you for your content and teachings, I grew up in a broken household with an absent father and chaotic mother, and in reading your content, it has really supported me in how to be a man. But I’m not quite at the 3% stage. I have read your book 4 times in 4 years, and the inevitable bump on the head has recently happened. Now, I’ve committed to reading one chapter a day until I’m up to the 15 times.
Well, it’s when guys are in pain, like he is after a breakup, that he really wants to get serious about learning this stuff. Because you can have a lot of success learning the pickup skills and dating skills from my book, but if you don’t learn the relationship skills and understanding how to transition back and forth between those, you’re just not going to have sustainable success. You’re going to run into problems.
And this guy had a whole truckload of problems that backed up into his front yard and got dumped onto his front lawn. And like I said, it’s very hard for any guy to maintain it, especially when you’re starting a business and you’re young. You don’t have a lot of life experience yet, and then you throw a difficult pregnancy on top of that, that’s unexpected, most dudes in his situation would have imploded.
I’d genuinely really appreciate your advice to the below:
Jessica and I met in January 2022. Everything was phenomenal to begin with. She was very feminine, loving, and did all of the pursuing, pretty much from the start. I was well centered in life at the time, and it was easy. She moved in with me after 5 months.
Yeah, things are going well, but that’s life. It never continues on like that. Because, as a man, you’re always trying to expand, you’re always trying to grow, you’re always trying to improve, you take on more responsibility. Each time you solve one problem, it just basically gives you a ticket to a much bigger problem that you have to solve in the future. And especially if you’re going to advance in your career or you’re going to grow a business, there are just things that are going to happen that you don’t expect, and it’s going to bring stressors your way.
Then, a few turns of events:
· In September, I lost my corporate job and took the opportunity to start my own business.
It would have been much better doing that on the side. But I mean, when you’re young, you’re like, “I can do anything,” especially if you’re used to doing well.
Exactly one week later to the job loss, we found out Jessica was pregnant.
Oh, just another little wrinkle, there.
The two bits of news really rocked me off my center, and it did cause us some problems that led to Jessica moving back in with her family in December to get some headspace, but she moved back to living with me one month later.
Well, if she moved out for head space, obviously, she wasn’t happy. Her attraction was low.
· In January/February, the pregnancy at 20 weeks had complications and the baby was not compatible with life-long term, so unfortunately, Jessica had to deliver the baby prematurely so that genetic testing could be done.
Sorry about you losing your child. That sucks. It’s not a fun thing.
· It was an extremely stressful time, but we got through it. I was her rock, and she said she couldn’t have done it without me. I was with her every step of the way. I gave her everything I had.
· But the toll it took on me started to appear months later. I had emotionally burnt out in supporting her selflessly and hadn’t recharged my tank. Between her and the business, I had nothing left for myself.
Well, you can’t give away what you do not have for yourself. And obviously, with all of those difficulties and challenges, there probably wasn’t a lot of hanging out and having fun and hooking up during that period of time. So, there’s a loss of intimacy, there’s a loss of closeness. And plus, she had already moved out once in December and then moved back for a month. So, it’s obvious that the attraction had dropped dramatically, probably because there were other things he was doing that he didn’t realize.
He’s living with his girl. He probably got super focused on his business because he’s trying to make that work. He’s probably under financial stress because he’s worried about the fact he’s got a limited amount of money and a limited amount of financial runway, if you will. In other words, he’s got a limited amount of capital in the bank, because he’s living off his savings, she’s living off his savings because she’s not working. And on top of that, you’ve got a loss of a child there. And it’s understandable. Us guys, we’re trying to turn things around, because you need money to live in this world. You’ve got to work. You got to provide some kind of value. The best thing should have been for him to go and get another corporate job and build his business on the side.
But, hey man, I did the same thing. I quit my job at Cyntex Rooney, borrowed $50k on my credit cards, and started renovating two foreclosure properties that I had bought. But after about 90 days, I could tell I didn’t have enough runway. And so, I ended up going and talking the people I was buying my properties from, and they offered me a job as an acquisition agent. Because I wanted to learn the business, plus, I wanted a stable source of additional income, so I could really learn the industry, and it worked out great.
· Jessica hasn’t been working, and we’ve been living on top of each other, as well as all of my business stock at home, all in all making everything overwhelming for us both.
· Jessica grew tired of my snappy and stressful moods and broke up with me, packing her things quite abruptly, albeit with what felt like a lot of attention seeking behavior to get me to stop her from moving out. But I simply didn’t have the energy to entertain them.
Yeah, if she’s like, “I’m going to leave,” and she’s making a big deal out of it, what she’s really trying to say is, “This needs to change. I’m not happy.” And basically, what she got from him was like, “Hey, business as usual. I’m not changing anything.” So, that’s why she left. She made a big fuss and a big ruckus, hoping he would say, “Babe, don’t leave. Let’s sit here and talk it out and work it out.” But, at that point she was probably snappy with him, he doesn’t say. But he was saying he was snappy, he was the stressed out one. Remember, whatever a woman feels, whatever you make her feel when you’re with her, is what she’s going to associate with being with you. And if you’re getting pissed off and angry and snapping at her all the time, eventually she’s going to get tired of it and leave.
And vice versa. If you’ve got a girl that’s bitchy and grumpy, and she’s snapping at you all the time, and you’re stressed, and she won’t chill out and exercise self control for herself, any guy will get tired of that and tell her to pack her shit and go. You know, it takes two to tango, and it doesn’t help when one person is going through something stressful, and the other person wants to be grumpy and bitchy and complain, or whatever. But that’s life. Life is messy. Relationships are messy.
· I told her to take a month break and not focus on me or the relationship, to which she accepted and kissed me on the lips embracingly. But two weeks in, she contacted me telling me, “I don’t want to be in a relationship with you,” and went on to block me on everything.
At the end of the day, she ended the relationship. She’s the one that said, “I’m not willing to work on anything. I’m out.” Then she calls to tell you that she’s out. Hey, it’s on her to fix it. She fucked it up, she’s got to fix it. Granted, this guy was making plenty of mistakes, but at the end of the day, she’s the one that tapped out, and moved out, and took her toys, and went back home to mommy and daddy’s. Because, quite frankly, the state of mind that he’s in, the place he’s at, he’s not going to be a good boyfriend anyway at this point. That’s why he’s got to get back to his stable baseline.
· I accepted the break-up this time, but as I was so hurt from her coldness, I told her it’s probably best we don’t speak going forward, so we can both heal, (she had kept finding excuses to text me for whatever reason).
Well, if you’ve been dumped and she says, “I don’t want to be with you anymore,” but then she continues texting you, as I talk about in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” and as it says in the book, if a woman is contacting you, you should assume she wants to see you and make a date. But instead, he didn’t do that, probably because he was just spent. He was like, “I’ve had enough.”
· It’s now been 10 days since this contact, and I’ve been in strict no contact thereafter and simply working on myself and recharging my energy.
Yeah, well, it’s pretty hard to work things out when you’re blocked on all platforms.
· It hurts that she has lost faith in us and me.
Well, every woman has her limit. Say you were together for 30 years, and you went through a difficult time and all this shit happened, then you’ve got maybe six months, maybe 12 months that your girl will put up with it before she’ll be ready to tap out. It’s just a fact of life, man. As a man, you’ve got to be able to bounce back. It’s like, if you not get knocked down, you’ve got to get back up again. You can’t just lay down and flail, and month after month you don’t do anything to improve it.
Because women want stability. They want to feel safe and comfortable in their relationship. And if you’re not providing that, that’s why she goes home to her parents’ house, because at least there’s stability at home with mom and dad. And if every time you’re around her you’re grumpy and bitchy at her, and on top of that, there’s no stability and there’s financial stress, she doesn’t feel safe and comfortable, she’s going to leave. It has nothing to do with hypergamy. It has to do with the fact that you’re no longer the same guy that she fell in love with. You’re not providing the container of masculinity that you did for the majority of the first year of the relationship.
So, you’re on borrowed time. When you go through this difficult time like this and you don’t turn it around – because I’ve been doing this for almost 20 years at this point, and I’ve done tens of thousands of phone sessions, and thousands and thousands and thousands of emails back when I used to do email coaching, and plus, I’ve been doing these video newsletters – you’ve got about 6 to 12 months, is what typically most women will put up with when you’re going through a really super difficult time, that’s very unstable.
The longer you’re together, they’ll stick around a little bit longer, but you can see, this guy was with her for a year, and she stuck it out for 6 to 8 months, and it just never got any better. And then she finally tapped out, because it wasn’t fun anymore. If they’re not having fun together, and they’re just fighting and not getting along – plus, she’s distraught over the loss of the child, and he’s not taking her out and dating her or making her feel heard and understood, maybe he’s tired of her crap, maybe he’s tired of her bitching, or whatever it happens to be – it’s understandable.
Like I said, 6 to 12 months is what you’ve got, typically, when you go through a really difficult time. And three years together, 30 years, it’s like, I see the same pattern over and over and over and over again. Guys that have raised their kids with their wives, have always been the man, always been fit, always been in shape, and then something happens with their business, or when their business partners die, or something happens in the industry or they go through a health challenge, like I said, she’ll stick around for about a year.
But if you’re constantly doing things, like what a lot of guys do when they go through a difficult time is they end up making their girlfriend or their wife their mommy or their therapist. And that can work for a few months, but when it goes on 6, 12 months or more, a year or more, you’re on borrowed time. And if the woman is also a successful, achieving woman, and you’re not providing that container of masculinity anymore, she’s going to lose attraction and not want to sleep with you, and she might move out. It happens.
And if you’re with a woman who has no integrity, and no character, and no loyalty, that’s when those girls will cheat, because you’re not providing the container of masculinity. If you made a bad choice up front, yeah, they’ll cheat on you. And that’s harsh. That’s life. That’s why if you’re one of those guys who want to get married and involve the state, you better choose wisely. I hope you don’t live in a blue state, because you’re upside down from a position of leverage.
What would your advice be? I do want her back, but I feel we need space first and to both be fighting for the relationship.
Well, you’ve got to get back to being an attractive man. You’ve got to get back to the same mindset and headspace that you were before you met her. And so, if your new business is incredibly unstable and it’s not providing enough income for you to comfortably live and also provide where your girl can be a stay at home mom or whatever, or not work, I would suggest that you go back into the corporate world and get another job while you continue to build your business on the side.
Like I said, that was the thing I realized when I quit my job at Rooney. I had no more income, and I was making money flipping properties, but you know, when you’re doing that, it’s like you don’t get your profit until the house sells and closes. You get your profit plus all your money you put into it back, but all that capital is tied up until you have a sale.
But I still had monthly bills. And plus, on top of that, I had all that credit card debt I had taken on to finance these properties. So, I mean, it got to the point over the next six months to a year that I was doing that when I went to work for these guys that I was making, I started out $3,000 to $5,000 a month, and then I was making $10,000 a month. And so, I was doing really well, and my life became very stable again. And then after about a year and a half together, that’s when my partners and I eventually left that company and started working for ourselves full time. We made $60k in profit that month.
So, you’ve got to be willing to take a step back and look at where you’re at financially. Because it might take several years before the business takes off. It may never. Maybe you you just got into something, or the business is not going to work, or it’s not a good business model or whatever. At the end of the day, if you’ve got financial stress and you want to be in a relationship, you’ve got to resolve that. Because if you’ve got financial stress and you’re always stressed out, it’s going to be hard to be easygoing, easy to get along with.
It’s going to be hard to be happy and playful with a girl when in the back of your mind you’re going, “Shit, how am I going to pay my rent next month? How am I going to pay my employees or my payroll,” or whatever. “How am I going to make my car payment? How am I going to pay these people back that I borrowed money from,” or whatever. “How am I going to pay my credit cards down with interest rates going through the roof?” So, those things are going to happen.
And he still isn’t making enough money from this business, which more than likely he’s not, to support himself and her, he should go back into the corporate world and do this part time until it’s stable enough to support him, and then he can leave and be a full time entrepreneur.
I look forward to your response, and thanks once again for lighting up the path ahead for all of us men wanting to become 3%.
So, like I said, the first things for him is get your self stable financially, get back in the gym, get back to being the guy that you were, where you’re at least enjoying your life. You’ve got to get to a happy place, because what happened was you were in an unhappy place. And since you were unhappy, and she was unhappy, obviously because of what happened with the baby, it’s hang out and have fun, hook up. It’s not hang out, be miserable together, and hook up. That’s just not going to work.
So, you’ve got to get to a place where you’re happy, so you can provide a stable environment. Because if she does contact you and start texting you again, you’re going to want to be able to make a date, and have her come over, and hang out, and have fun, and hook up. But in order for that to happen, you’ve got to be in a good, happy place to where you’ll actually be fun to hang out with.
If you’re miserable and stressed out, and say you don’t go and get another corporate job, you’re going to be all over the ice, and you’re not going to be able to provide stability, and she’s going to feel that. And so, if you’re trying to attract a woman back, get to a happy place and get to a stable life financially, and then read the book and apply what’s in it.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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