Why it is absolutely necessary for a woman to feel heard and understood by her man in order for her to feel safe and comfortable enough to relax into her feminine energy and to become interested in sex and intimacy.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer whose boyfriend is a big fan of my work and follows what I teach. She says they each have their own therapists and are working to overcome their individual issues, but he often comes off as an uncaring cold fish who lacks empathy. She says he trivializes her feelings and is very uncomfortable when she needs him to listen, communicate and make her feel heard and understood.
She admits she is insecure and sometimes comes off as being needy, but they both adore each other. She asks my opinion on what she can do to facilitate better communication and so both of them can do a better job of meeting each other’s needs. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of her email.
Hi Coach Wayne,
I hope you can help my boyfriend of two months and myself. I am 35, and he is 44. We met through a dating site and were kind of ‘friends with benefits’ a couple of months before we officially started going out. I was not attracted to him initially, but found him smart and interesting with lots in common, and I believe this is what helped us grow close with no pressure. (It sounds like he just focused on creating a fun-filled opportunity for sex to happen. That’s why you shouldn’t rush these things. Over time, with measured steps, the feelings can grow on their own.) He had been following the advice of your coaching videos and made it clear he liked me without chasing me, so however much I tried to ‘friend zone’ him, in time I started to fall for him! (You can set your watch to it.) I have recently started watching your videos too, in order to try and understand and shed light on things, and appreciate the ‘no bullshit’ attitude.
It all started getting tempestuous not long after we properly got together. (What changed? People started caring more. When you really started to care, you had expectations, they weren’t getting met, and that upset you. You wanted reality to be different than what it was, therefore you suffered.) I have insecurity issues I am seeking counseling for, and he is in therapy also. I need a fair amount of reassurance and am an extremely emotional person, even more now that this relationship is triggering feelings of insecurity and rejection, which are deep-seated. (People will behave consistently with who they view themselves to be, whether that view is accurate or not. When you feel insecure, deep down you don’t feel worthy or good enough. Now that your emotions are engaged, you have something to lose. You value him being in your life and fear losing him. However, you have to give him the space and time time to reciprocate without trying to force things.) He admits he finds it hard to say, “I love you,” and only started saying it when he ‘had to.’ He likes to do things for me and with me, whereas I need to hear the words, you know? (You should definitely read the book “The 5 Love Languages,” by Gary Chapman to understand better how he expresses his love.) He is softening slightly and saying nice things more spontaneously without prompting. (Be sweet about it, and thank him for that.) He also has trouble with affection, due to a troubled childhood, but says he is finding it easier with me. I am finding him very much a ‘cold fish’ some of the time, and though he says I need to tell him when I need affection and talk to him, and not blow up later by text, when I DO try and admit my fears or talk openly with him, he obviously finds it uncomfortable, trivializes my feelings, lacks empathy, and then changes the subject. (You both should review my article and video, “How To Communicate With Women Effectively,” and read my book. If you both review “The Ten Disciplines of Love” in the back of the book, it will help you with relationship skills.) This of course makes me feel like shit, like he doesn’t care, and so I shut down emotionally. (When women feel heard and understood, their legs open. When they don’t feel heard and understood, because their man is not taking the time to listen properly, their legs close. They shut down.) He admits he can seem detached, but insists he has always been like this and doesn’t mean anything by it.
How do we get out of this cycle of me blowing up because my emotions are out of control and because I feel I can’t talk to him about it safely? (Your therapist can definitely help you with that. What you resist will persist, so you have to talk about those things. It’s important to exercise emotional control though. Communicate with him what’s inside you, but don’t project it onto him.) I’m extremely busy, same as him, run a business from home, and have my young daughter for half the week. I also have an active social life. We live 5 minutes across town from each other, but I often feel lonely with him as if we’re a million miles apart, because he rarely ‘checks in’ and doesn’t always respond to messages. (Remember, Dating Is Like Tennis, so when you haven’t heard from him, you need to be patient. Let him hit the ball back over.) How do we meet in the middle when he struggles with emotions but is trying, and I’m feeling isolated from him? We are both highly sensitive people in our own ways and adore each other. (Review the “The Ten Disciplines of Love” in my book together, and remind him of how you behave when you don’t feel heard and understood.)
“Men tend to naturally use logic and reason as their baseline form of communication. Women tend to naturally use emotions, relational stories, examples, feelings and sharing as their baseline form of communication. The average woman typically says about 8,000 words per day, whereas, the average man says about 2,000 words per day. Men often make the mistake of trying to use logic and reason to try and solve what they perceive as a woman’s problems, when all women really want is for men to listen, hear and understand them. A man would be much better off if he would ask his woman whether she is seeking his advice, or if she just wants him to listen instead of making assumptions. Women tend to solve their problems by the process of talking about them. Men tend to go to their man-cave to contemplate, reflect and then decide which course of action is best when they have a problem to solve. A woman would be much better off asking if her man simply needs time alone in his man-cave to contemplate, instead of assuming that he needs to talk and share what’s troubling him.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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