Why your texts aren’t funny, and why too much cockiness leads to rejection.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a self-professed millennial who set a date with his former ex-girlfriend after she contacted him a year after their breakup. She even asked him when they could go out for a drink. However, instead of just setting the date and staying off the phone, he decided to give her all of his social media accounts and proceeded to carry on numerous conversations prior to their date on various forms of social media. Then two days before the date, she told him he was being too cocky and canceled the date.
He asks my opinion on where he went wrong, and why it wasn’t just being too available and being too cocky, which obviously came off as arrogance, and what he should have done differently. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I recently purchased your book and am just about done reading it for the second time – shooting for 15, like you recommend. My question goes towards applying your advice for the younger crowd that follows you.
(I see this comment all the time. People think, “I’m a millennial and we’ve got all of these digital apps that you old guys just don’t know anything about, and we’re different than you.” But the bottom line is, the principles are all the same. It doesn’t matter if you’re using the phone, or texting, or Facebook, or Whatsapp, or Instagram, or Snapchat.
If you’re available 24/7 to chitchat, that communicates you ain’t got a fucking thing going on in your life. You’re not focused on your mission and purpose in life, like all successful, high value alpha males are. That’s just reality. It shows you don’t have much ambition, you don’t have much opportunity to date, and you’re not very picky. You’re just hoping somebody will spend time with you. And it will backfire on you.)
Just over a year ago, my ex called things off between us for various reasons, including that of letting her control the terms of the relationship and me coming off needy.
(Obviously, she formed a perception of you and rejected you, and for whatever reason, she got back in touch with you, because we all, both men and women, tend to look at the past through rose-colored glasses. She wanted to get in touch, thinking maybe you’d changed. Maybe you’d grown a little.)
More recently, we started chit-chatting on various methods of social media, and she eventually asked me when I was going to ask her out for a drink.
(As my book teaches, when a woman reaches out to you, you should assume she wants to see you. You should make a date, be direct, decisive and get off the fucking phone. The more you talk, the higher the likelihood of talking her out of liking you.)
A few days after this, I got her number and called her up and I set a date a week out, and she agreed to it. Like your book recommends, I did not continue texting her nor did I call her, so that it would build the anticipation. However, and this may be my downfall, millennials have various forms of social media where you can contact each other – Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat.
(Like I don’t know about that? The reality is, I date women that are millennials, and most of the time, when we initially meet, we’re talking on the phone. I like to hear her voice, and I always get compliments. They always tell me they are impressed that I actually called them instead of texting them. Why? Because most beta males hide behind digital texting, because it’s a lot lower risk. It takes a lot of balls to pick up the phone and call somebody you want to talk to.)
Despite not texting her as the date got closer, we would exchange Snapchats, think of exchanging picture messages back and forth, along with some small talk. She would routinely say I was being cocky, and I would counter with it’s just confidence.
(That’s her way of saying, you’re kind of being a dick dude, and you’re shit ain’t funny. A lot of guys think they’ve got to entertain her, use humor, rebuild rapport, but she got in touch with you after a whole year of not talking to you. And instead of being mysterious, you’re performing like a seal for her, trying to be funny.
When you’re texting somebody, and you’re just sending digital communication, you might think it’s being humorous, but the person on the other end might not take it that way. If you’re using FaceTime or Skype video, you can actually see and hear their expressions and respond to them as if you were in person. But when you’re texting, be direct, be decisive and get right to the point. You should be busy building your fucking empire, focusing on your career, your mission and your purpose in life, not begging some girl to spend time with you.)
However, purposely, none of these were conversations that were drawn out.
(So you think. The bottom line is, you shouldn’t do it. And if she’s going to message you, take your time getting back to her. That communicates you’ve got other things going on.)
Anyway, two days before the date, she texts me out of the blue and says, Listen, I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I don’t think we should go out; you seem a lot different, and the cockiness is a huge turn off for me.”
(She kept telling you, “You’re being cocky.” The idea is to be cocky, charming and playful, not be a dick. You think you’re being funny and entertaining her, and she’s trying to help you by saying, you’re coming off as being a dick.
Remember, she has to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. She should be coming to your place to make dinner together, like I talk about in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” She wants to meet you out for a drink, but no, you don’t meet her out for a drink. This girl blew you off and fucking ditched you a year ago. The only distance you should be willing to travel to see somebody who has blown you off is the distance it takes to go from wherever you are in your place to your front door to let them in for a date.
You’ve been texting her and trying to entertain her, and all you did was make her think you’re a jerk. She got back in touch hoping maybe you had grown up or maybe changed a little bit, and instead you’re kind of an asshole. You literally talked this girl out of liking you. The phone is for setting dates. Otherwise, you destroy all the mystery, and you don’t build any anticipation. You did the opposite of what my book teaches, and you blew a perfectly good opportunity.)
Thinking back to “What Would Corey Wayne Do,” I waited an hour or so and responded with, “Bummer, I’m sorry you feel that way. I just have more respect for myself than when we last met. No worries though. Let me know when you change your mind, and we’ll reschedule.”
(There’s nothing wrong with feeling like you’re better than her, but the idea is not to be an asshole to her. The damage is done. I wouldn’t call or text her.)
She never responded to that.
(Yeah, she had already made up her mind, she didn’t give a fuck anymore and she doesn’t care if she never talks to you again.)
To me, this was her attempting to overturn my rowboat with her waves as a “shit test.”
(She obviously didn’t take your humor the right way.)
It’s been a few days, and she may come crawling back, she may not.
(Any time a woman disrespects you or blows you off, and she reaches out in the future, she’s got to come to you three times in a row. As long as you hang out, have fun and hook up all three times, then you can start picking her up, taking her out and those kinds of things.
When you’re the one who’s been blown off, you’re the prize. You’re the gift. They have to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. Your pursuit of somebody is over forever once they ditch you, disrespect you or blow you off. They have to earn you back. It’s a completely different mindset than the way you’re thinking, which is just hoping she’ll spend time with you.
The other thing is, you’re thinking, I’ve got to talk to her right away, because I’m a millennial. I’m different. If I don’t respond right away, she might get mad at me. But that’s not a chick with a good attitude. That’s a chick that’s an asshole and is going to bring drama into your life.)
My question is, should I have avoided all forms of contact from the time I set the date until the actual date?
(C’mon man. What do you think? What does it say in the book? I’m not telling you to ignore her, I’m saying take your time. If she’s texting after 7:00 or 8:00 at night, you’re going to respond the morning. If she’s texting you in the middle of the day, you should get back to her in a few hours. You should be in meetings, in job interviews, meeting with clients, whatever it has to be. Maybe you’re working, you’re in a meeting or traveling.
It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. When they don’t know what you’re doing, you’re busy and you’re taking your time to get back to her, that’s mysterious. She’s going to wonder about you. If a woman is thinking about you when you’re not around, that’s going to cause her attraction level to grow and she’s going to like you more. And she’s going to become more flexible, more feminine and more submissive when you do that.)
I’m thinking my downfall was giving her information about myself and my life via other forms of social media,
(Yes, because it showed you had nothing else going on and you hadn’t changed at all. She even eluded to that),
thus her losing attraction/anticipation and ultimately cancelling.
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“Women are attracted to men who are charming, playful and who don’t take themselves too seriously. Trying to be too cocky and funny via texting, messaging apps and social media, can often backfire and be taken the wrong way. You sell people on your awesomeness in person, not over the phone or through digital communication. The more you talk, text and message prior to dates you have set in advance, the higher the likelihood that you will talk your dates out of liking you and canceling your date. All good salesmen know that the phone and digital communication are to set appointments to sell your prospect in person, not to get to know someone, give out information or to make them like you more. Women are attracted to mysterious men. Guys who are always available to chitchat are boring, predictable and have nothing going on in their lives. That is the opposite of a high value man who is focused on building his life and empire.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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