You’re Her Backup Boyfriend. Not Her 1st Choice

How to prevent becoming stuck in limbo and friend zone being a woman’s backup boyfriend plan.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 35-year-old guy who has been cherry picking videos for seven years, but obviously never read the book and is surprised he’s getting jerked around by his now ex girlfriend who is dating the guy friend she told him not to worry about. Whenever her current relationship is in doubt, she reaches out directly or through their mutual friends and family.

She says someday they will be together, but not yet. She dangles the carrot of romance, then disappears when he validates her to spend time with her boyfriend. He keeps falling for the act. He hasn’t taken the time to learn the book and he is paying the price. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

What do you do if you find out you’re just a backup and you’re not the first choice? This particular email is from a guy. He’s 35 and he’s been dating this girl off and on for seven years. He’s like, “I’ve been through thousands of your videos,” but what is he not done? He’s never once read the book, never mentions it. So he writes this. He’s been on and off for seven years. He’s been following me for years, and yet he never bothered to read the book, and he just broke up with his ex-girlfriend.

He’s kind of stuck in limbo because she’s now dating, “Hey, he’s just a friend. You don’t have to worry about that guy,” but she’s dating that guy. Unfortunately, he stuck in friend zone. Again, he didn’t read the book, so he kind of doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing. So he’s like, “How do I get her back?” Well, number one, you got to be a serious student and read the book. If you get the audio book and you can follow along in a digital or physical copy, you put it on the audio book on two speed. You’ll get through it in four hours. It’s like you’ve been farming, been through thousands of videos, but still ain’t read the book.

Come on dude, I warn you in just about every video not to do that, not to cherry pick the videos. They are not a substitute for the book. You’ve got to learn the wisdom in the book. The videos help you fine tune what’s in the book with real world scenarios, but if you don’t know the book, that’s why you’re on and off for seven years with this girl, and she has zero respect for you as a man.

Viewer’s Email:

Hello Coach Corey,

Thank you for all the work you do. My name is Bob (35, M), and I have at this point literally gone through thousands of your videos over the past seven years and have not found a situation similar to the one I’m currently going through. (I know everyone says that, but this girl has got me scratching my head).

Well, you didn’t learn the book, so this is not surprising at all.

My ex-girlfriend (on and off over a period of seven years)…

Yeah, you’ve been following me for years and you’re on and off with a girl. You don’t understand women and the cherry picking ain’t working for you. I tell you not to do it, but you’re doing it anyways, and so you shouldn’t be surprised it’s not working for you. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you will continue to get what you’ve always got. If you like the short end of the stick, then keep doing what you’re doing and being a lazy ass.

…Has most recently broken up with me about seven months ago. We were going through a six month stretch of long distance due to me having to work overseas, and we had been growing increasingly distant. I was well aware but nothing I did turned things around. I refused to chase, tried to open her up etc… Until finally one of the times I tried opening her up, she revealed she wasn’t sure she was still in love with me and this led to the break up.

Yeah, it just tells me you’re begging her for attention and validation and you have no idea what the hell you’re doing. Absolutely zero. When you’re off and on with a girl like that, you don’t understand how attraction works. It’s like you’re clueless. It’s cherry picking. Doesn’t work. I say it over and over and you watch thousands of videos. You’ve heard me say it thousands of times, and so you’re obviously pretty dense and thick headed, and you don’t listen very well to advice, so you’re not very coachable.

I can’t help you if you don’t listen to me and you do the opposite, and then you write in with an email going, “Yeah, I didn’t follow your instructions, coach. I’m really perplexed why it didn’t work out.”

Three months after the break up (I was in complete no contact), I returned to the country. She had since moved out, and I soon found out that she was dating the “he is just a friend” I had to set boundaries for during the tail end of our relationship. 

Yeah, she don’t give a fuck. She don’t respect you. She’s not attracted to you, doesn’t care, and you have no idea what’s going on because you never read the book.

Here’s the rub: When I first got back, she came at me like a whirlwind, talking about marriage, getting back together, telling me she loved me, etc., but I couldn’t get her to meet me one-on-one.

See, all she has to do is throw some shit at you like that and you lap it right up. “Oh, I’ll take some more. Mommy, mommy! More, more.”

She’s told you what you needed to hear. She wouldn’t get together with you. So what does that mean? She’s dangling the carrot. You’re a backup. Simple as that. Because she’s getting her insides rearranged by her Chad Fedhercock. Just made that one up on the fly. Not Chad Thundercock. He’s Chad in this case, Chad Fedhercock.

Her family and my family are very close, so most of these interactions happened in unavoidable group social gatherings. 

Yeah, because she did that on purpose. She didn’t want to meet you one-on-one because she felt guilty for what she had done, but she just knows how to manipulate. After seven years, it’s like you’re a little lap dog there. You have no idea what you’re doing and you’re just like, spinning around, chasing your tail. Kind of like Jade’s dog.

Jade’s got this dog, that it just like spins around like boom, boom, boom. Like, “What’s wrong with your dog?” “He just has anxiety, Corey.” It’s like, “No, I think you’re,” I want to say a word begins with R, but I don’t want my video to get demonetized. It’s pretty funny. Her dog’s not the brightest, but he’s a funny dog. Makes us all laugh.

I was feeling pretty good about this, so one night after one of these social gatherings, she was touching me, calling me pet names, etc…

And he was cooing like a dove.

…Everyone came over my apartment for a coffee. As everyone was leaving, I asked her to stay the night. She then gave me this weird answer:

She’s manipulating the fuck out of this guy. He’s totally in bamboozled. He has no idea what’s going on, and he believes whatever. We all know people that believe whatever the TV says, and he’s like one of those guys that whatever comes out of her mouth, it’s got to be truthful. So this is her whopper.

“When we do get back together it’ll be for life,” and how she doesn’t think, “It’s the right time yet,” because she doesn’t want to repeat, “What we’ve done in the past.”

Yeah, that sounds reasonable. What she’s really saying is, “If I ever get tired of Chad Fedhercock, then maybe, just maybe, we’ll be together forever, because that’s all I got to say to you, because you’re such a gullible schmuck and will believe anything I say.” Just like the people that believe the news. “Oh Corey, I’m not stupid. I watched the news.”

I reiterated to her, that I had no intentions of jumping back into anything but that I did have romantic feelings for her. 

Wow, what a revelation! She had no idea.

After this, her pursuit of me all but stopped.

Yeah, she’s like, “Oh yeah, I can have him any time I want.” He’s wrapped around my finger.”

It was like she disappeared. I don’t know if I was overly eager and to overt with my flirtations and that scared her away?

No, you just communicated like you were a bitch and you were like, “OK mommy, I’m gonna wait right here for you,” while she goes and hangs out with Chad Fedhercock.

My only thought is that I was too easy? 

Yeah, you’re just a pushover, and she walks all over you, treats you like a doormat, and you’re just like, “Thank you. May I have another, please?“

It’s been four months since this incident, and here’s what’s weird. She will randomly message me something about her life, ask me for favors…

You shouldn’t do it.

…Send her mom to ask me about my feelings for her.

if she’s like, “What are my feelings for your daughter?” It’s like, “Well, we used to date, but she’s fucking Chad Fedhercock. What am I supposed to? What do you mean? My feelings for your daughter? She’s fucking somebody else. It’s over.” That’s what I tell her. “Hey, she’s dating somebody else. I’m dating. It doesn’t really matter.”

Her mom will come and tell me that she knows we’ll be back together…

“Oh gee, thanks, future step mom.”

…And that her daughter loves me…

“Oh yeah, she loves me so much. She’s fucking another guy. I really appreciate you sharing this important information with me, future step mom. Future ex-stepmom.”

…But that she is just confused.

Yeah, because you’re not acting like a man and so she’s not going to bounce back to you. You haven’t read the books. You have no idea what you’re doing. You have no idea what creates attraction, and you’re about as clueless as a guy who just found me yesterday for the first time.

When I run into her in social gatherings, she touches me, calls me our old pet names and is playful and flirty.

She’s just fucking with you. You’re part of our Frankenstein Boyfriend project. You are in backup position. That’s it. She’s fucking somebody else, not you, and you’re getting bamboozled. “Oh, we have all these family friends, and I know her mom, and they all tell me we’re going to be together.” She’s fucking somebody else, dude. Wake the fuck up.

She even showed up at my house one night at 10 p.m. randomly, just to use the bathroom, ask me how I’m doing for 10 minutes, then bolt. 

Yeah, she just wanted to make sure there was no girl there. Nothing else was going on, and you would drop what you were doing to spend time with her.

I’m totally unsure how to respond to any of this.

You don’t. You start dating. The way you respond is you read the fucking book 10-15 times, and you actually go and apply it and start dating other women.

I don’t ask her out anymore when she reaches out. I attempt to be cordial but unattentive to her in person.

Well, bring dates to these these functions. Who cares what she’s doing?

And of course always in complete no contact. 

Coach what is going on?

Well, she’s fucking somebody else.

Is this salvageable? 

Bob

Dude, you’re not going to be able to maintain attraction with any woman until you learn the book. Cherry picking videos doesn’t work. You’ve seen that message thousands of times and you just keep going, “I’m really perplexed, coach. I don’t know the book. I didn’t follow it, but I’m cherry picking videos and I know every video. You say not to do it, but I’m really shocked that it’s not working.” No, it’s not going to work.

You shouldn’t be doing anything. You should never call or text her for any reason, and you shouldn’t let her just show up at 10 p.m. at night. If she’s texting you like the book says, well, you haven’t read it. The book says if she contacts you after 6:00 or 7:00 at night, you respond the next morning around 10:00 or 11:00. So if she’s texting you at 10:00 at night, “Hey, can I come by and use your shitter and then go over to Chad Fedhercock’s place?” Just don’t respond till the next day. “Hey, got your message. Sorry I was out. Hey, got your message was busy. What’s up?” Unless she brings up getting together. I wouldn’t do anything.

You should also follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, but that is an article and video that’s not a substitute for reading the book. If you don’t ever read the book, this is pretty much how your future is going to go with every other woman you meet, because that’s what happens when you cherry pick. You don’t understand how attraction works, and you’re just like Jade’s dog boom, boom, spinning around in circles.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.