How to know if you are beyond hope and help if you feel like you will never be able to meet and date the kind of woman you’ve always wanted.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says he has Asperger’s Syndrome. He has created a story about himself that he is simply not attractive enough for women to date, he is too old and looks his age and that he is simply a hopeless case.
He recognizes, after reading my book, where he went wrong in the past when he was younger and why women got turned off, but the story he now tells himself keeps him stuck in place, makes him unwilling to take risks and therefore, he does nothing to help himself. He asks if he’s beyond hope and help. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
This is a difficult email for me to write and one that I feel you won’t be able to help me on.
(That says it right there. If you’ve convinced yourself that it’s just not going to work, then you don’t take any action. Therefore, nothing changes, and you go, “See. Nothing works.” Well, you’re not doing anything to help yourself. Panache Desai said, “Stagnation happens when you die. Life happens when you move,” and you’re not moving very much, so how can you expect things to change?)
Here are some factors about me that are significant:
I have never been in a relationship with a girl longer than 2 – 3 months.
(The only reason that happens is because you had a shitty approach to it. You were following a strategy that just didn’t work, which you realized after you read my book.)
I have Asperger’s Syndrome, a mild form of autism, though no one can tell by my behavior, unless they spend time with me, and my relationships do suffer as a result.
(If you have Asperger’s Syndrome, you have to accept your reality. You were born this way. You can look at it as a gift and a blessing and something to overcome, or a curse and an excuse to do nothing.
There’s a guy named Nicholas James Vujicic who was born with no arms and no legs. He’s married, and he’s a very successful motivational speaker. So there’s somebody out there who’s physically worse off than you, so you have no excuses.
There’s another guy named Sean Stephenson who’s a really short guy, like less than three feet tall, and he was born with brittle bones. He’s one of the happiest, most positive people you’ll ever see.
Both of these guys’ physical limitations are way worse than yours, yet they’re both happy in their lives and do great work to inspire millions of people all over the world. So physically, you’ve got no fucking excuse, because if those guys can do it, it’s like, come on.)
I am mildly ‘out of place’ in my facial features. I won’t go into detail, but I am not what you would call ‘attractive.’
(Sean Stephenson’s tongue is so big, it literally hangs out of his mouth when he talks. But that dude is always smiling, happy and optimistic. You have no excuses dude. I mean, Sean can’t even walk. He requires his wife to pick him up and lay him on the bed. And he’s still happy and fulfilled. He’s still got a relationship. He did it with a lot more physical ailments than you have.)
I am more noticeably different and ‘below average’ looking!
(Go watch the two videos of those guys. You don’t have any fucking problems. You’re just making excuses to not do anything. The reality is, you just simply had a bad strategy in the past. And now that you’re reading my book, you’re realizing where you went wrong, and now you have to apply what you’ve learned.
You’ve got to participate in your own rescue. Nobody is coming to save you. The only person that can help you is the person you see in the mirror every day.)
I am not a virgin, but haven’t been with any girl, in any form, in 8 years.
I am able to make girls laugh when I’m with them, and if they get a chance to get to know me, but then they fall into 2 camps: they either think I’m funny, or they don’t like me at all!
(Hey the reality is, most of the women I like and I’m attracted to, they don’t like me either. I don’t take it personally, and my life turned out pretty fucking okay.)
I just don’t think I will ever be able to get a girl that I really am attracted to, as I don’t have the confidence, have suffered WAY too much rejection, and even some of the girls I meet for the first time ridicule me privately when I try to make them laugh!
(Dude, you take yourself way too fucking seriously. The bottom line is you, I and everyone else, we’re all living in bodies that are eventually going to die. In a few hundred years, nobody’s going to give a fuck who you were, or who I was or anybody else that’s alive at this point of time in human history.
Every day, you have the same number of hours in the day. What you do with that is what determines where you end up. The bottom line is, you’re not doing anything to help yourself.
Numerically, if you look at it from this perspective, if you ask out a hundred different women, women that at least make eye contact and smile at you when you first meet them, 12-13 will end up going out with you. And if you follow the progression in the book, 3-5 will end up sleeping with you.
Obviously, as your skills get better and you get better, you’re going to be approaching fewer women that are going to reject you, and more of the women you do approach will say yes. You can see it by looking at their body language and their physiology, and you can tell if they’re into you or not.
The reality is you can’t take it personally, because at the end of the day it doesn’t matter. We’re all fucking dust in the wind anyway dude.)
I am so tired! When I did sleep with girls in the past, they were mainly one night stands, some drunken, but the older I get, the harder that is to achieve. I’m starting to look my age too.
(Well, you’ve got to take care of your body. You’ve got to exercise. You’ve got to do weight training, you’ve got to do cardio and you’ve got to eat healthy. Give yourself all of the advantages you can. You have control over how you look and how you show up.
If you take care of yourself, you’re physically going to look better. When you have tighter fitting clothes, women are going to notice that. People who are happy and successful tend to take better care of themselves and their bodies. Give yourself every advantage you can.)
Reading your material, I can see I made some whopping mistakes with the girls I did date when I was younger! It seems that I did the exact opposite, continually, of what you advise!
(Your experience is mostly doing the wrong thing, which leads to predictable rejection, but that was the past. As Tony Robbins says, “The past does not equal the future.” You’re living in the past and deciding you’re not going to take any action in the present moment, because the future is going to be just like the past. Well, if you’re not talking to any women and you’ve given up, then of course the past will equal the future for you. But it’s going to happen, because you do nothing to help yourself.)
However, now I cannot even get one date off any girl! I don’t really try.
(So in other words, you’re not really doing anything. Women aren’t going to just jump in your lap and say “date me.” Some will but the majority of women are expecting you to be bold, take some risks and go for what you want. Obviously, you did that when you were younger. Now you’re making excuses and not doing anything to help yourself.)
But when I do this is the response:
1. It’s like they laugh at me.
2. They say their spoken for.
3. They say “you will meet someone.”
4. I have scared girls off in the past.
5. They treat me like I’m immature.
(So what. That doesn’t define you. Other people don’t define you. You define yourself. Happiness and success must be defined by you. If you allow other people to define you, you’re going to be absolutely fucking miserable because you’re never going to be able to live up to their unreasonable expectations. Don’t take it personally. You’ve got to get through the nos in order to get to the yeses.
You said you like to drink. Put yourself in a situation where there’s a lot of people, like an Oktoberfest, or a beer and wine festival, or a farmer’s market, or go to the mall, or some art festival. Keep a log of it. All you need is one chick that likes you. Don’t take it personally, and don’t feel insecure about your Asperger’s Syndrome.
I went through a lot of shit to get to where I am, and it was all a gift. My mother was a psychotic schizophrenic, but I don’t feel sorry for myself. I believe we choose our own parents and we choose our own experiences from a soul’s perspective, so we can get the experience we need to grow and become more. I don’t look at it and say, poor me.
I overcame a lot of things because of the family environment I grew up in. And look at these guys, Sean and Nicholas. They had enormous setbacks in their lives they overcame, and overcoming that caused them to learn a path and help them reach their full potential. Because they overcame tremendous physical difficulties, illnesses and odds, now they inspire other people to do it. And you can do the same thing with your life.
So you have Asperger’s. Ask yourself, what’s the gift in it? How has it made you stronger and more determined? How has it caused you to not take yourself so damned seriously? Obviously, you got to this point in your life. It’s not like you never had any successes with women. You just haven’t been able to sustain it, because you had a crappy strategy.
The good news is, now following my work, you’re reading my book and seeing where you went wrong. Remember knowledge is only potential power. It only becomes power when you actually apply it.)
On a dating site I am on, no girl responds to my messages!
(If you’re on sites like Match, you don’t reach out to women first. You put your profile up and create it in a way that a woman says, “Oh, he described me,” and they reach out to you. look at my article and video, “How To Create The Ultimate Online Dating Profile.”
I’ve also done videos on Tinder in the past. Tinder is a lot quicker. You swipe left or right, you match, send a few funny texts, then get on the phone. Ideally, you’d like to FaceTime or Skype so you can actually see the girl. If she doesn’t look good on a video chat, then you just saved yourself from going on a date and being turned off, because she didn’t look like her pictures.
Just sending messages is the opposite of what my book teaches. The reality is women get bombarded by messages and emails from guys.)
There are two girls I see every other month that I like, and I would like to be in a relationship.
(That’s the wrong approach. You’re thinking from the complete end. You should be looking at it from the perspective of the way most women look at going out with a guy, which is “Do I like this guy enough? Is he good for me?” instead of saying these girls are pretty and they’d be great girlfriends. You don’t know that. You haven’t been out on a date. You haven’t slept with them. You haven’t spent enough time with them, getting to know what they’re like day in and day out. They’re just potential candidates, so pull the trigger and ask them out. Otherwise you’ll get rejected because you hesitated and dithered too much.)
But I am totally lost and have just about given up!
(Again, you’ve got to participate in your own rescue. If you don’t open that big hole in your face, you’re not going to be getting any dates. That’s reality. You were willing to do it when you were younger.)
What you teach has a base foundation on a girl’s initial attraction to you in the first place. However, when that’s not even there to start with, your knowledge cannot help me!
(You don’t know if they like you or not, because you’re not asking anybody out. Again, this is part of the story you’re inventing for yourself. Remember, people do more to avoid pain than they will do to gain pleasure. Therefore, to you rejection equals pain, so you avoid it and do nothing, but you also want to date somebody. Well, you’ve got to interact with women. You have to talk to them, ask them out and actually go on dates in order to get to a relationship.)
I don’t think you can help me Corey!
(You’re right. Only you can help you. I can be a guide, I can give you strategies, I can give you wisdom, and I can teach you some skills, but at the end of the day, it’s up to you to practice it and to get better.
Your simple goal should be to get a little better each and every day. That means going to the gym on a regular basis, maybe getting a personal trainer, disciplining yourself with your diet and take care of your body. Do what you can to get yourself in the best possible physical shape that you can.
When you see a girl you like, you have to go up and talk to her, just like you’ve done in the past. And just accept the fact that at least 75-80% of the time, you’re going to get rejected. You’re going to fail most of the time, but you have to be okay with that. Give yourself permission to fail. Give yourself permission to be a beginner again every single day.
Every day, you decide if you’re going to take action and move your life forward, or you’re going to sit back, say it’s hopeless and do nothing. You’ve got to take action. You can’t avoid taking action and expect your life to change.)
Sorry for the length of this email or to burden you with a hopeless case!
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Failure is a part of life. The reality is that most of your actions and efforts on your journey to creating the life and lifestyle you’ve always wanted will not lead to success, but instead will lead to rejection and failure. Anyone that has kids or who spends time around young kids will tell you they are relentless and do not give up when something does not go their way or they fail. It’s only when they get a little older that society and their peers have convinced them they cannot succeed in most things they want to become or desire to experience. One of the smartest things you can do to reach your full potential is to embrace, look forward to and be grateful for your failures. Why? That way your failures will become something to look forward to and embrace, because they are a necessary and unavoidable part of life, getting what you want and creating what you want.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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