When you should and shouldn’t try to make dates with an ex when you want her back.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped by his ex-fiancée 7 months ago after a stressful period in their lives, where he admits he turned her off completely. They share a dog, and lately he has tried setting dinner dates at his house. However, they have gone nowhere, as she is seeing another guy. She once again has asked to get together to discuss their dog parenting duties for several months in the future.
He’s frustrated it’s going nowhere, and he’s not making any progress in attracting her back. She’s simply a cold, unaffectionate fish when they get together. She also refers to him as a friend. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Obviously, he wants his fiance back, but part of his problem is he’s interacted with her a lot. And recently he thought, “Hey, now’s my chance.” He creates an opportunity in the evening to make dinner together to hang out, have fun, and hook up, or so he thinks. She comes over, she’s very standoffish, but she’s seeing another guy. And so, there are some things that he’s kind of not really paying attention to.
There are times when you should make a date and follow what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” And then, like in this particular case, he’s trying to make dates with this girl, even though she is seeing somebody. And so, when a guy does that, when a guy is still trying to make dates with an ex that they know is involved with another guy, or seeing another guy, what happens is they get stuck in friend zone. And when things are going well with the other guy, she’s cold and distant but still reaches out. She gets attention and validation from him, and then she becomes cold and distant again. And so, it’s counterproductive to try to make dates.
You want somebody who’s single, ready, willing, able and open to date. And she’s involved with another guy, so in that case, you should be holding her accountable and say, “Hey, it’s not appropriate for us to get together or talk about anything, because you’re seeing somebody. If you want to get together and talk, that’d be great, but you’ve got to be single. And that’s part of his problem. This comes down to setting and enforcing healthy boundaries, because seven months have gone by.
You can look at this and say, why is he trying seven months later when she’s already involved with another guy? Well, that’s what happens to a lot of dudes. They get dumped and they stay in her life, hoping that she’s going to change her mind, and they end up just basically becoming another one of her beta male orbiters. And what she sees is that nothing’s changed in your behavior. You’re not dating anybody else, you’re not meeting anybody else. There’s no fear on her part that she’s going to potentially lose you to another woman.
Like the video newsletter that I did the other day, we were talking about why it was all about mindset, “Mindset: Why Men Should Never Try To Get An Ex Back.” Because in this case, just like in the other one, this guy got dumped. And you never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you. If they screw it up, if they end the relationship, guess what? They’ve got to fix it. And when you don’t allow them the space to do that, you get stuck in blue ball zone, which is basically where this guy is at.
And so, what happens is the longer you stay involved in your ex’s life – trying to get her back, trying to get her to spend time with you, seeking her attention and validation – a man who loves and values himself and has self respect is just not going to sit around and wait for that. If he gets dumped, he’s moving on. He says, “Hey, it’s been great. Thanks for the memories. If you ever change your mind, get in touch, but I’m not waiting on you.”
His problem was he basically communicated that he put his whole life on hold while she went and explored things with another guy. And seven months later, now he’s come across my work and he’s trying to implement it, but you can tell he’s cherry picking a little bit and not really paying attention to the reality of the situation. So, you want to avoid getting stuck in these situations like this guy has. That’s why it’s so important, if you get dumped, that you disengage and you move on with your life. And as a man, you focus on your outcome and your mission. You want a girl that wants to be with you for your personal life and obviously, whatever your mission and purpose is in your professional life. No matter what, whether you’re single or you’re in a relationship, that’s always priority number one. A man’s got to handle those things.
But in this case, this guy got dumped, and instead of focusing on dating or being with somebody who’s ready, willing, able, and open to dating him, he put himself into the category of one of her male orbiters, and he got stuck there. And so many months went by that now she’s dating another guy, but she was engaged to this dude. So, she’s more emotionally bonded to him, but the problem is he’s just lingering. He’s just hanging around, and she can tell that he, in essence, has put his whole life on hold, waiting for her to come back. And that’s not attractive.
She has to feel that if she doesn’t get her act together, that she’s going to potentially lose you to another woman. And if there’s no fear of that on her part, she’s not going to do anything. She’ll stay involved with somebody else. Because the reason she went to seek somebody else is because this guy acted so unattractive that she no longer had any feelings for him. So, you want to avoid doing what this guy did.
Thank you so much for all your work. I have all your books and read 3% Man about 30 times in the last 4 years. It’s helped me so much. You’re a true gent.
Well, if you read my book 30 times in the last four years and you stayed this engaged with your ex-fiancee, you weren’t paying attention, dude. When you get dumped like this, you’ve got to move on.
My ex-fiancée of three years broke up with me 7 months ago, due to massive stresses in our personal lives causing my behavior to turn her off.
So, in other words, you stopped being the guy that she fell in love with. You stopped displaying all of the attractive behavior that turns women on. And more than likely, you couldn’t handle the stress, you became a Jack-in-the-box, and you displayed a lot of beta male behavior. Maybe you made the mistake of trying to make her your mommy and your therapist.
I had a guy I just recently I was talking to, and he he’d been with his wife over 30 years. They had raised kids together, the kids had gone off to college, done well, had already started great lives of their own. He had a health scare, and what happened was he went from always being the alpha in the family to basically making his wife his mommy. She lost all feelings of attraction and she moved out, and he wanted to re-attract her.
And so, getting him to act, once again, like the Alpha was the only thing that was going to cause her to feel attraction for him once again. That’s typically what happens in these situations because most guys think, “Hey, I went through a difficult time. I’ve got to be able to lean on my wife.” But if you turn her into your mommy for a year or two, it’s like a matter of months, sure, but when it goes on for a couple of years and you’re not taking care of the things you need to take care of, she’s not going to feel safe and comfortable trusting your masculine core.
So, it doesn’t matter whether you’ve been together three years or 30 years. If you act like a beta male, and you turn your girl into your mommy and your therapist, you’re going to make her pussy drier than the Sahara Desert. That’s just a fact of life. If you don’t like it, you can cry to the big man upstairs. I didn’t make women this way.
You’re supposed to be the leader of the household, even when things aren’t going well. Even when you’re sick, even when you lost your job, even when you’re going through a difficult time, even when you lose all your money in the stock market or crypto, or whatever it happens to be, you’ve got to keep grinding and keep moving forward. But if you turn your girl into your mommy and your therapist, eventually she’s going to tire of it, lose attraction for you, and leave you. That’s just a fact of life.
The guys in the red pill community are constantly crying about that, “Hypergamy!” as the excuse for their beta male behavior. If you act unattractive for enough of a period of time, all women are going to leave you. That’s just the way it is. You’re supposed to be the strong one. You’re supposed to be more masculine than the woman. And when you act less masculine than the woman for extended periods of time, she’s going to lose respect and interest in you and eventually they will leave you. That’s just the way it is. If you don’t like it, don’t date women. I’m just here, telling you how it is.
We now “co-parent” the huge 50kg dog we raised together, and her behavior during interactions over the months has oscillated between cold and emotionless, explosions of anger/sadness, and genuine flirting/banter, where she would frequently turn a quick dog handover into her spending a couple hours hanging out.
Well, again, if you’re going to do that, it has to be in the context of making a date together. It just sounds like he has just constantly been hanging on her every word, dropping what he’s doing to be at her beck and call to spend the day with her, or whatever. Eventually, at some point, especially if one or both of you gets in a serious relationship, if you get a new girl, she’s not going to want your ex-girlfriend, who maybe she stays single, or she’s not really serious with anyone, any new woman you get into a relationship with is not going to like the fact that you’re still doing this exchange with a dog. At some point, somebody gets to take the dog and it’s theirs permanently.
A few weeks ago, I told her I wanted to extend the periods between dog handovers, because I wanted to prioritize my healing from the breakup.
So, in other words, he’s telling her he wants a little distance, because he’s starting to recognize that hanging on her every word, and always being available, and being one of her beta male orbiters is getting them nowhere.
A couple of days later, she asked if I would be interested in meeting up to talk about “some things on her mind,” so I set a date at my place to cook dinner together, thinking this was it. I was calm, charming and relaxed and it was really fun, but even with serious flirting and banter throughout, she distanced herself after dinner, coldly sitting on the opposite side of the room, even after I suavely motioned for her to sit next to me.
Yeah, there’s another dude in the picture. I mean, I’ve gone through this email already, but part of the problem is he’s trying to make dates even though she’s seeing another guy. And like I was saying earlier, he stayed way to engaged with her when he got dumped, instead of moving on with his life. And if you’re doing a quick turnover of the dog, and she wants to hang out more, and you just drop what you’re doing to do that, and then all you get is a peck on the cheek or a hug at the end of the night, that’s why you just don’t do those things. You give her the attention and validation that you still are interested and you still want to work things out.
Remember, she got turned off to the point where she wasn’t even attracted to you anymore. And so, she knows she can always go back to you, but she left because the feelings were gone. That’s the important thing; the feelings were gone. And you kept hoping, if you spent enough time with her, her feelings were going to change. And the only thing that’s going to develop those feelings of dread – because remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear – is if she knows you’re having a good time, you’re hard to get a hold of sometimes, or if she texts you after 6:00 or 7:00 at night, and you’re not responding until 10:00 or 11:00 The next day.
You should be dating. You should be moving on with your life. Again, what do you want for your personal life? You want somebody that really wants to be with you. You were engaged to her, and she kicked you to the curb. So, at this point, she really should only be a potential prospect of yours. But what you should really be doing is looking to start a relationship with somebody new, who isn’t going to dump you so quickly and so easily.
You have to have the attitude, just like we talked about in the video newsletter the other day, “Mindset: Why Men Should Never Try To Get An Ex Back.” And that’s your problem, here. You’re trying to get your ex back, and you haven’t really done anything to move on with your life. And you telling her all these months later that you need to have distance so you can heal, all that communicates is that you’re torn up emotionally over it.
Now, keep in mind, she’s dating somebody else and probably sleeping with them at this point. And so, now he has the leverage, because you’ve put your personal life on hold, and you’ve let her know that you’re sitting around waiting on her. And now, finally, after seven months, you’re recognizing that it’s not getting you anywhere. This should have happened seven months ago, but it is what it is. You didn’t follow what was in the book. You cherry picked, and you tried to bend the rules, and it blew up in your face.
She told me, despite seeing someone new, she misses me, and I am the only man who’s ever made her feel safe.
Well, when you hear something like that, you just say, “That’s great. I’d love to see you. I’d love to give you a chance to win me back over and rekindle things. But I am not going to date you or be involved with you romantically in any way as long as you’re dating a new guy. That’s just not going to work for me. If you want a chance to win me back, then this other guy, you need to kick him to the curb. And I don’t want to hear from you, or want to hang out, or really discuss anything unless you’re single. Because I need to move on with my life. You made your decision. You blew up our relationship, you blew up our family, you blew up our engagement. All of our friends and family know what’s happened, and that’s all on you.”
“So if you want a chance to win me back over and fix things, you’re not going to be calling me and wanting to hang out when you kind of have a new boyfriend. That’s just not going to work for me.” Again, It should have never gotten to this point, but this guy did not follow what was in the book. It’s obvious that he fell way down the mountain.
She said that her head trusts me, but her heart doesn’t… “yet.”
This is, again, just like dangling the carrot. All she has to do is dangle it a little bit, and he’s like a little puppy dog.
I told her that was fine but joked that I think we both know why she really wanted to come over.
Well, again, you shouldn’t be making dates at your place when you know she’s seeing another guy and probably sleeping with him. That’s just kind of stupid. Again, this is what happens when you cherry pick and don’t really follow things. He’s projecting his fantasy onto this situation, onto his ex, and assuming she feels the same way, while completely ignoring the reality that she’s got a new boyfriend, it looks like. That’s why she comes over and hangs out and sits on the other end of the room, so no hanky panky can happen.
Deep down, she’s still conflicted because she’s got feelings, but the fact that you’re willing to do this and give her a date on one of your few evenings that you have open a week and then tolerate blue balls, it’s obvious this has happened numerous times in the last seven months. You’re trying to change her mind, instead of letting her try to convince you why you should give her another chance. Your mindset is totally the opposite of the email video newsletter we did on Wednesday.
So, to let me know when she fancies coming over again with something more than dinner in mind, but not to message otherwise.
Well, again, I would reiterate, it’s like, “You’re involved with another guy. It’s not appropriate to be hanging out.” Because what you’re basically trying to do is get her to cheat on the new guy that she’s with. And if you’re successful at doing that, why wouldn’t she do that to you the next time you start acting like a beta male for extended periods of time, or the next time you try to turn her into your mommy and your therapist again?
She reached out a week later to say Hi, asked how I was doing and that she needed me to have the dog one extra day, 3 months in advance, due to work.
Come on, man. You don’t try to set up dates with women that have other guys they’re involved with and sleeping with. It’s like, come on. That is just supremely duncery, sorry. I know you claim to have read the book 30 times, but I don’t see how. I’ve never seen somebody read the book 30 times and then do these kinds of things.
Very unusual, so I tried to set up another date but received, “We’re not in a position to be friends, so I won’t be coming over.”
So does that sound like she’s trying to get another chance with him, or the other way around? This guy is totally seeking her attention and validation, and that’s why he’s getting nowhere.
In return, it hit me hard, but I replied, “It’s a good job. I wasn’t inviting you over as a friend then. Just let me know if you change your mind,” then left her alone.
You’ve got to tell her that you’re not going to get involved with her as long as she has another guy that she’s sleeping and dating with. Come on, dude.
Weeks pass, and she’s messaged again to ask if we can meet up this weekend to discuss planning the dog for the next few months. Unusual again, we already have a set timetable. I feel like I should just say no, as it’s not explicitly asking to hang out, and if it is legitimate, it’s unnecessary.
I would just text her back, “As long as you’re dating another guy, it’s not appropriate for you and I to be getting together. Our plans are already set for our dog many months in advance, so there’s no reason to get together. If you’re single and you’re no longer seeing that guy, that’s a different story. But as long as you’re dating this other dude, I’m not going to be involved, and we’re not going to be hanging out together.”
That’s where you went wrong, dude. You’ve just been too afraid to set and enforce healthy boundaries and you’ve been a pleaser and you, in essence, have created this situation by being too weak. But you being too weak is what led to getting her to the point where she was so turned off she left you.
I currently have two great casual girls on the side who are both asking for exclusivity, and yet I’m still very much in love with my ex.
She doesn’t care about you, dude. She ain’t feeling anything. And she’s dating and sleeping with another guy. She’s not even a candidate.
I can’t even get the distance to get over her, because I can’t let go of my dog. Do you have any advice?
Let her have the dog completely. Say, “Why don’t you keep the dog from now on. I want to move on with my life. Good luck to you and your new boyfriend.” It’s like, part of that is you’re using the dog to kind of hold on to her. And, again, I can tell from your actions and what she’s doing, the fact that she’s already got a new guy in her life, you’re doing the opposite of what the book teaches. Despite how you try to kind of cover it up in your email here, it’s pretty obvious what’s been going on here, that you’re just literally doing the opposite of what I teach. And that’s why you’re in this situation.
So, when you see these messages from her, I’d be like, “Hey, you’re dating somebody. It’s not appropriate for us to get together. We’ve already made all the arrangements with a dog, many months in advance. There’s no reason for us to get together. If you’re single, if you’re no longer seeing that guy, and you’d love to get together, and make dinner, and try to convince me why I should give you another chance at being my girl again, I’d be open to that. I can’t promise anything, but I’d be open to that. But as long as you’re involved with this guy, it’s not appropriate for you and I to be getting together or discussing anything. Because at this point, you belong to another guy, and I’m seeing a couple of other ladies, and it’s just not appropriate.” That’s how I would handle that particular situation.
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