How to slowly attract your ex back if you turned her off and chased her away.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers who drove their women away. The 1st email is from a viewer who got dumped by his girlfriend of 2 years who he was planning on marrying and buying a house together. He acted weak, needy, and as he says, did every beta behavior you can think of. He wants her back, but she is now seeing someone else.
The 2nd email is from a guy who got dumped by his former fiancée. They had been living together before she dumped him. He says she’s seeing a new guy who is a downgrade from him, and he feels good about it and wants to move on with his life. She still is one of the first people to view his Instagram stories. It’s obvious both women are trying to monkey branch to new men but are still trying to keep these guys interested in case they don’t find anyone better. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
For the guys that have just screwed up and driven their women away, they simply need to start displaying attractive behavior. And we can point out some of these things as we’re going through it, but obviously also what lines up with the book. But there are other instances where maybe the woman is just disloyal and unfaithful, she’s a liar and she can’t be trusted. Like the video newsletter that I did yesterday, the woman lied. She was 34 when they met, and at the time, she claimed to him that she had only been with one man intimately her whole life, despite the fact she said she was a serial dater, had been out on dates with over 70 different men, loved the party scene, the club scene, bar hopping, bar crawling, you name it.
She was she was a lady of the night, if you will. She liked to party. But the problem that he found was, when she first told him about her past – and they have been together two years, they live together – what happened was that he’s constantly catching her in lies, and then he confronts her about the lies. In other words, the story about her past was always changing. And so, when you’re trying to determine whether or not a woman is a good woman to attract back, or to get back, or to allow them to have another chance with you, you’ve got to make sure that they have character, good character qualities, they’re honest, they’re loyal, those kinds of things.
Because there’s lots of emails I get from guys and there’s lots of phone sessions I do with guys, they’re just involved with women and what makes it hard is they’re emotionally invested. They really care. They have strong, deep feelings for these women. And we all project our fantasy of what we want. We project the idea of who we think they are onto these women. And when you’re in this situation yourself, it’s really hard to see the red flags and respond accordingly, instead of just BSing yourself and going, “Oh, that’s fine.”
So, that’s why a lot of guys hire me is just because they know I’m going to give them the unvarnished truth. I’m not going to sit here and blow sunshine up anybody’s ass, because that doesn’t serve anybody. I’m just going to tell them the bottom line, what it is. Just like the guy from yesterday. It’s like, you’re with a girl that’s a liar. She’s lied about her past, she continues to lie about her past, directly to your face. And he didn’t feel comfortable in the relationship. How can you trust somebody if they’re constantly lying to you about the past?
And he doesn’t really know what her past is, because she’s told so many lies. And since she’s told so many lies, she doesn’t even remember the lies, and that’s why there’s constantly contradicting stories. And if she’s lying about her past so profusely, like the woman was yesterday, love cannot exist where there is no trust. You can’t build a solid foundation and build a family when the person that you’re with never tells you the truth about anything, especially like in her case, the past.
I did get an email from that guy yesterday. He said, they’re currently living apart now, and they’re no longer living together. So, those situations suck, because you feel for the guy. He lived with her, he’s thinking about, “This is going to be the rest of my life with this woman,” but he never felt comfortable because she was always lying.
So that’s a big thing that we have to determine in these situations is does the woman have enough character? Is she honest? Does she have integrity? Is she easygoing, easy to get along with, and the guy just turned her off because he acted like a beta male for too long of a period of time? Or, he turned her into his mommy or his therapist, and she got turned off and lost attraction, and you can rebuild that. Or, just on top of the fact that he turned her off, is she just a bad person that’s not trustworthy anyway? So that’s what you always have to figure out when you’re in these situations, in order to make an intelligent, informed decision.
First Viewer’s Email:
Currently on my third read through the book and it has been a lifesaver so far!
Obviously he’s talking about “3% Man.”
Trying extremely hard not to cherry pick and use techniques, but to drill the fundamentals/the underlying theory behind your work.
Yeah, because the book is not etched in stone. The idea is it’s to be a guide. And the more you adhere to the principles in the book and respond accordingly, the more you’re going to come off as natural. If you’re just trying to use techniques and tips and tricks and things from there, you’re going to come off as robotic, and women are going to pick up on that. They’re going to sense that something’s going on. There’s a lot going on upstairs in their interactions, and your mind is somewhere else. So, the idea is you want to come off naturally and be able to respond to her based upon how she’s showing up in the moment.
A quick back story then a question:
My girlfriend of 2 years told me in November 2022 that she wanted to go on a “break.” We had plans of marriage and were buying a house together before this.
So, when she wants to go on break, what it really means is a breakup. But a lot of times they’ll want to keep the door open, so they can come back if they don’t find somebody better or their feelings don’t return. Because women instinctively know that when you have some time and space away from the other person, those feelings will come back. Because it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.
The problem with most guys in these situations is when the woman says, “I need space,” they don’t give it to her. They keep pursuing, they keep chasing. They keep needing constant attention and validation, which is completely, totally unattractive behavior. Because you’re supposed to be the masculine, confident one. And men have got to have more masculinity than the women if they want to keep the sexual polarity balanced.
I was weak, needy, lying to please her, and every other beta bitch behavior you can think of.
Yeah, it doesn’t matter who you are, or how good looking you are, or how successful you are. If you act that way with your girl, eventually she’s going to get turned off and dump you. That is as predictable as the sun coming up in the East and setting in the West.
We decided to use the break so I can work on my own shit, (I was slipping into alcoholism and have c-ptsd that I’m in therapy for and I’m making MAJOR progress).
Well, congratulations on your progress.
I caught her talking to another guy two weeks into the break, and it crushed me.
So, more than likely, she had already met this guy and was talking to him. And now you’re on “break,” she has the ability to explore things with this new guy. That’s often what happens. She may have been unhappy for a long time and not really doing anything about it. And then a guy comes along, stimulates her emotions,and she starts to have an emotional bond, an emotional connection. Because, obviously, she didn’t have them with this guy anymore, especially with his behavior.
She’s turned off. She doesn’t trust his masculine core. In her mind, she feels like it’s over. And then the new guy comes in the picture, and makes her feel the way she used to feel about the guy that wrote the email. And remember, it’s all based upon how a woman feels.
She told me she isn’t attracted to me anymore, and I started chasing her right out of my life. She said she won’t do it again, but my friend sent me a screenshot of her online dating profile where she was talking to other men, (and I found out she was talking to the same guy from the first time). I told her I was done and I’m walking away.
So, I mean, that’s pretty obvious. She’s dangling the carrot, making this guy think, hey, there’s still a possibility they’re going to get back together. But really, he’s kind of like a backup plan. He’s like the fail-safe. In case it doesn’t work out, she can always go back to him. But with her being on the dating apps – and this is the other thing that is really hard for a lot of guys to accept – when a woman finally leaves, the feelings are mostly gone. And that’s why they can break up or say, “I need a break.” And then next thing you know, they’ve got ten different dating profiles on all these different dating sites, because she’s trying to find somebody else.
She cried and almost begged me for another chance, however my trust is gone.
It’s obvious she deceived you about that.
I gave her another chance. She said she wants to date monogamously, but she isn’t ready for sex and a relationship. That’s when I started into your work.
So, she wants him to basically be celibate and not sleep with anybody else while she’s able to go out,and “Oops, it just happened. He ended up inside me.” Women will do that, and the beta males will comply with that. The nice guys will comply with that. And meanwhile, you’re getting blue balls, and you’re hanging out and you’re giving her an emotional connection and you’re her “friend,” her emotional tampon, while she starts dating and sleeping with somebody else.
And then once things progress and it looks good with the new guy, that’s when she goes, “Oh, well, I met somebody new,” or “Hey, I’m going to get serious with somebody else, and I just want to be friends from here on out.” And then the guy is crushed, because he put his life on hold for her.
There’s no way you agree to be in a monogamous relationship and not have sex while she goes out and dates other people and has dating profiles. A soft guy will agree to that, not knowing any better, but a man who loves and values himself is going to be like, “That’s not going to happen.” And keep in mind, as he admitted earlier, he was a lying pleaser. So, he’s trained her that he’ll probably go along with that. Which, again, is more weakness and unattractive behavior, because he’s not standing up for himself or standing up to her.
The dynamic is SLOWLY changing, and she is pursuing me and pulling away. It’s hot and cold and it’s driving me crazy. We made each other cum without sex, because she is off birth control and I didn’t have condoms about a week after I started implementing what you teach.
Really? I mean, you can go down to the neighborhood 7-11 or the Circle K. I mean, come on. “Oh, I didn’t have any condoms.” It’s like, you’re an adult now. It’s time to grow up, seriously.
She pulled away and said she needs to respect her boundaries she set, (3 month rule… basically no kissing and sexual stuff for three months). I’m going fucking crazy, Coach.
You should have never agreed to that. But, at the end of the day, you should be following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” She ended it, she broke it off. She messed it up, therefore, she’s got to fix it. So, she should be doing 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing, and you just make dates.
You know, her telling you no sex and no kissing for three months, you just say, “No, I’m not going to do that. You’re going out on dates with other guys. You’re telling me if you really like a guy, and you go out on a date with him, you’re not going to kiss and sleep with him? Do I look stupid? Does it say “sucker” on my forehead? I’m not going to agree to that. You’re out of your mind.” And that’s part of what she needs from you and what you need to do for yourself. Whether you get her back or somebody else, you’ve got to be a man and stand up for yourself and not agree to all this BS.
She keeps going out to bars with her friends damn near every weekend, and my insecurities are hard to control.
Well, at the end of the day, dude, she’s got to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. You should be following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” You should be dating and meeting other women as well.
She never used to go out and party like this.
Well, because to her, she’s single. She’s behaving like a single woman. Despite what she says, if we take a step back and you look at her actions, she’s acting like a girl who’s single and is trying to find somebody else. And if she finds somebody else that she really likes, she’s going to dip. And the more you chase, the more you pursue, the more you communicate that you’re afraid, the more it’s going to give her confidence to keep moving away from you.
That’s why you don’t call and you don’t text for any reason. And when you do hear from her, you make a date in the evening that can lead to sex at your place. Again, following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” No coffee dates, no lunches, no group dates with her and her friends, or whomever. You’re not going to do any of that.
I’m trying my hardest to be 90% James Bond and 10% bad boy, to be indifferent. I don’t want to chase her. I don’t want to project my insecurities and fears, she will break boundaries again. We’ve technically been dating for a month now, however, this is the third week after finding your work.
At the end of the day, dude, your job is to just simply create the next opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun, to hook up. It’s not to get her back or to get into a relationship. It’s to be attractive. And you need to become an attractive man, so you can potentially attract her back, but also attract new women. Because this is something that you should be doing regardless of whether you’re in a relationship or not.
You need to act like an attractive man, so men respect and appreciate you, but also so other women find you attractive. Because when women like you, they help you. And this includes your female coworkers. If they really like you and they think you’re charming, they’ll do all kinds of things that are nice for you. They’ll introduce you to their hot single friends.
Should I bring up her going out too often?
No, dude. She’s single, you’re single. I know you committed to be monogamous, but no sex for three months, but what she really said was, “Put your personal life on hold, while I go potentially date and sleep with other guys. If I find somebody I really like, I’m going to dip, and then I’ll just drop the bomb on you and tell you that I’m out.”
I assume no, because I must love in such a way that allows the other person to be free.
Well, if you’re following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” it’s none of your business. She has to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. If you were bored of her and you were tired of sleeping with her, what would you do? You wouldn’t care what she’s doing. You’d be focused on what you want for your personal life, which is you want a woman who wants to be with you.
You never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you, and you’re still in the same mindset of “I’ve got to get her attention. I’ve got to get her back. I’ve got to get her to like me again. How do I get her to notice me?” These are not the thoughts or the mindset of a confident guy that women find attractive. Those are the thoughts of a beta male. So, despite the fact that you’re getting into my work, your mindset really hasn’t changed much at all. People are going to act consistently with how they view themselves to be,and it doesn’t matter whether the view is accurate or not.
Should I communicate what I think about the boundaries she has in place? I believe they’re killing the natural progression of this new thing we have.
Well, you’re agreeing to it. You’re going to say, “Hey, I’m not interested in your boundaries. We’re both single. This monogamous thing, I don’t believe in any way that you’re committed to me monogamously. You’re on dating profiles, you’re obviously going out on dates, you’re talking to other guys. You’ve lied to me about it already. So, I have to assume that you’re dating and potentially sleeping with and kissing other guys. And I’m not going to stay committed to a relationship where there’s no kissy-poo, there’s no sex, there’s nothing. That’s just not going to happen.”
“You’re asking me to put my personal life on hold, while you go and explore dating and sleeping with other guys That ain’t working for me, and I’m not doing it. If you want another chance with me, then your behavior needs to radically change. If you want to go out and date, kissing and sex are not on the table. And we’re not dating, we’re not friends. I don’t want to hear from you, I don’t want to see you, I don’t want to be around you.”
“I don’t want to talk to you. I’m not going to be your emotional tampon on the phone. You’ve got to prove to me that you want another chance and you deserve another chance. And right now, your behavior is communicating that you don’t deserve another chance with me. So, as far as I’m concerned, we’re both single, we can date and sleep with whomever we want, and I’m going to do that. You do you. You’re already doing that, and you’re not being truthful with what you’re really doing, and I don’t appreciate that. And lying to me and deceiving me is not the way to get me back. It’s not the way to get another chance with me.”
I don’t want her to walk all over me.
Well, you’re enabling this behavior, dude.
And I don’t know what is okay to bring up and what is just needy and insecure.
Thank you for your work,
Well, have the conversation that I just did, the role play that I just did, because you’ve got to stand up for yourself. Because you’re still being a pleaser. You’re letting her walk all over you. I mean, have some self respect.
Second Viewer’s Email:
My ex recently started dating someone new but still acts like she has feelings for me.
Which she probably does, because you’ve got more time in with her.
We dated for 2.5 years and were engaged. We are both 22 and lived together for 2 years. She ended things with me 5.5 months ago, but we still flirted, hooked up, and said we loved each other until 2 months ago, when she said she wanted friendship instead and for the break to be indefinite.
So, that means you’re both single and you’re not together.
She has an anxious attachment that got way worse, and her newish need for constant reassurance and not letting me have any alone time made me distant. Our relationship was otherwise full of love, happiness, and great memories until about 6 months before the split, when I started becoming complacent.
So, when somebody says they became complacent, typically that means they stopped dating and courting her and stopped making her feel heard and understood.
I chased her for less than 2 days after she wanted to be friends but then denied that request and told her to reach out to me if she changed her mind. She reached out semi-frequently to ask how I was, then would ignore my reply until she would maybe drunk text me later that night to tell me she was sad and alone. (She usually reached out on Fridays and Monday mornings.)
So, after discovering your videos and book, I went with the assumption she wanted to see me the next time she reached out.
You should be following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” and you ask her out no more than twice. If she reaches out, you ask her out. If she doesn’t make a date, then you ask her out one more time the next time she reaches out. When you’re the one that got dumped, she has to do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. Why? Because she messed it up. She broke the relationship up. Therefore, she’s got to earn another chance with you, not the other way around.
I asked when she was free to get together, because I’d love to see her. No response. She called a few days later and tried to make small talk, before bringing up our relationship and getting emotional and crying. I didn’t validate her, but I was polite and got off the phone. She called again about a week ago and said, after a minute or two of small talk, “I still think we might get back together in the future.” I did not say it back and asked again when she was free to get together. She avoided it and didn’t reach out after.
Obviously, she’s dating and probably sleeping with somebody else. She won’t make dates with you. She’s stirring the pot. She’s basically pulling the fishing line, trying to see if you’re still on the hook to possibly monkey branch back to her.
I found out a few days ago that she posted a photo with her “boyfriend” on her Snapchat story. We are still friends/following each other on social media, and she is always one of the first people to view my stories.
Yeah, because she’s worried that she may start seeing in your stories, new girls popping up in there.
She just muted me and my friends from seeing her story. (She forgot to mute my sister though, lol).
Well, how fortuitous.
I texted her later that day and said, “Hey, my sister told me you’re in a relationship. All good and I wish you the best, but I don’t wanna be in contact if you’re dating someone. If things don’t work, reach out to me, and if I’m still single, we can maybe talk about things.”
Great response. It’s the right way to handle it. But obviously, the other thing I would consider is there’s some serious level of deviousness and deception going on. She’s dangling the carrot like she wants to work things out. And that’s what you’re going to see in these situations.
If your ex is reaching out to you, and you’re trying to make dates, but she won’t make dates or she ignores that, but yet she still calls, it’s usually because there’s another guy that she’s probably talking to and sleeping with. And that just got confirmed here by this guy’s sister. She’s in a relationship supposedly with a new man, a new boyfriend, if you will. So, that’s why you’re never going to really get the straight answer. You’re going to get part of the truth. It’s kind of like dealing with the IRS or the ATF; you tell them what they need to know and nothing more.
I’m not sure how long they’ve been dating, but I would bet they were seeing each other when she sent me the mixed signals.
I would say you’re pretty much 99.99% correct about that. This is what happens. This is how the monkey branching works. She’s still holding on to you, still giving you the impression that maybe, just like she said, “Hey, maybe we’ll get back together again.” But at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is how she feels about you. And so, based on your actions, she knows you’re probably available if she wants to potentially get back together with you, but she wants to explore her “feelings” with the new guy.
She hasn’t replied, and I honestly don’t care if she does. Her choice of the new guy has me feeling more confident than ever, as he is a major downgrade.
Curious of your thoughts on all this and any advice you might have for me for the future!
Well, start dating and having fun. And if she’s one of the first people to see your Instagram stories, then go have some fun. Go have some fun with your friends and have some girls in the picture and let her see those. I mean, she’s in essence, rubbed another guy in your face indirectly by broadcasting it to the world that she’s with somebody else. Meanwhile, she gives you the impression that she’s still thinking about things and potentially might come back.
And so, all she’s doing is is trying to keep you from getting totally turned off and moving on, because she’s still not sure it’s going to work out with the new guy. And that’s selfish, it’s not a nice thing to do, but most women do these kinds of things, especially after a breakup. They want to see if things are going to work out with the new guy.
For whatever reason, you got to the point where the breakup happened. This guy said he got complacent. More than likely, that means he stopped dating and courting her and didn’t make her feel heard and understood. So, over time, she just got to the point where she felt like he didn’t care. And when her man doesn’t make her feel like she he cares about her, then Bob that she works with, or Bob in the other department across the hall that she works with, or the other company that she sees at lunch all the time in the cafeteria, or whatever, they strike up a conversation.
Maybe Bob just had a breakup, and he starts telling her about what’s going on in his relationship, or what happened. She starts saying, “Yeah, my boyfriend is not paying attention to me. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t take me on any dates. I complain and nothing changes.” And he’s like, “Oh yeah, I totally understand.” And so, he starts fulfilling that emotional connection that you no longer were doing. And that’s how things happen. And then when she breaks it off, it’s because she’s already got somebody lined up, potentially, that she feels something for, because you’ve constantly made her feel like you don’t care.
At the end of the day, this is where you’re at. And I’m just telling you, this is the lay of the land. And any guy in his position is going to feel like, “Hey, she kind of deceived me.” It’s like, “Now I find out she’s with somebody else and didn’t have the guts to tell me.” And I like the text that he sent to her, but the reality is most women are going to behave this way. So, what she should have done is broke it off and moved on. But instead, it looks like both of these women pretty much monkey branched to a new guy while they dangled the carrot and let them think there was still a possibility they were going to potentially get back together.
That’s why it’s so important when you’re the one that gets dumped to get back on that horse, to be reading the book 10 to 15 times and applying it, so you can get some other women in your life, so you can see the things that are in the book actually working in your life. Because this will give you confidence, this will give you swagger. And a lot of times, what guys will say is that, “I got so good with this stuff, that after a few months, I didn’t really care about getting the ex back, because I was dating women that were better looking, better quality, better attitude. And then the ex tried to come back, and I told her no. And it was the best feeling in the world to deny the ex another chance.”
And then you go on down the road with somebody that’s even hotter, and more fun, and younger, easier going, easy to get along with than what you had. My goal as a coach is to help you either get the ex back, or get somebody way hotter and better for you. Because if you apply what’s in “3% Man,” you will get better, and the women that you attract will get better. That’s the whole point. Then you become a better, more attractive man.
And really, revenge is a dish best served cold. It really does feel good to be able to move on and, not so much gloat about it a little bit, but just feel like, hey, at the end of the day, you were hurting initially, but you came across this, and your life improved dramatically, and now your ex is crying the blues that you moved on and found somebody better, and prettier, and cooler, and everybody likes her more. That’s just very satisfying, and I wish that for all of you that are in that situation.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
*Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc. or its affiliates. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. **Free with a new Audible.com membership
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: [email protected]
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur