Breakups & Interest Level: Will She Come Back?

How to determine after a breakup, due to her losing interest, what the chances are that she will come back.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who just got dumped by his girlfriend of 2 years. He is 25 and has a successful business. He only read 3% Man once. He overrated her romantic interest in him, got sloppy and paid the price. She said she didn’t feel heard and understood. She doesn’t want to be in a relationship and wants to work on herself. She says that what he wanted was more than she could give.

He was obviously way more into her than she was into him. He didn’t read the book the recommended 10-15 times, and his laziness cost him his relationship. She tried to friend zone him, and he said no and told her to get in touch if she changed her mind. She told him to get in touch if he changed his mind about being friends. He wants to know what the likelihood is that she comes back. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This is definitely not a success story. This is actually why you should do the opposite of what this guy did. This particular guy has been with his girlfriend of two years. He’s 25, he’s got a successful business, and he said he read 3% Man once. He just got dumped by his girlfriend of the past two years, didn’t see it coming. And obviously, when I say you’ve got to read the book 10 to 15 times, this is why.

So, what happened is he got lazy. Because he was successful in the beginning, but didn’t bother reading it anymore, didn’t learn the material. Slowly over time, he in essence continued doing all the things that turned women off previously. And it got to the point where she gave him the usual platitudes about, “I’ve got to work on myself. I can’t give you what you want.”

And so, she says all these things that communicate that he was over pursuing. And it’s obvious that he was way more into her than she was into him towards the end of the relationship. She tried to friend zone him, and he said “No. If you’re interested in dating or seeing each other get in touch.” She said, “Well, if you change your mind about being friends, get in touch with me.” So, now they’re playing the game of chicken, and he wants to know what the likelihood is that she’s going to come back.

And now, because he’s gotten dumped, he’s like, “Oh, I’m definitely going to read this ten more times.” But this is why if you do the work ahead of time, this could have been a great success story. But instead, this is a cautionary tale of what not to do. But at the end of the day, the dude’s in this situation and he wants to know what a lot of guys want to know that get dumped unexpectedly and didn’t see it coming.

He knew things were off, but he didn’t think they were that bad. And so, he tended to overrate her romantic interest in him and he paid the price for it. So, this is what you don’t want to do. You don’t want to just read the book and go, “Wow, I’m getting laid all the time. I don’t need to learn any of this other stuff. I don’t need that relationship garbage, Corey. The red pill’s going to help me out.” I’ll have to trigger some of the red pill guys in here, because they really get butt hurt. They don’t like it when I point out the things that a guy does wrong, because they’re so focused on blaming women for everything.

But at the end of the day, I’ve done tens of thousands of phone sessions over the last 20 years, thousands and thousands of emails, and you see the same patterns over and over and over again in women. It doesn’t matter where they are in the world, they say the same things to guys when they’ve lost interest and the guy’s turned them off and the guys are overpursuing. And I’ll point these out as I’m going through the email, but I can tell what she was thinking and feeling based on what she’s told him. And so, based on that, I could tell he was overpursuing, even though he never even brings it up. I can just tell by her reaction and what she says, what turned her off.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

My girlfriend of 2 years just ended things. I have read 3% Man once and will be reading it 10 more times after this breakup.

People break my balls all the time in the comments, oh, I always say 10 to 15 times. It’s like, people still don’t listen. This guy had a 2-year relationship and it blew up in his face because he didn’t follow instructions.

I’m 25, have a successful business, confident and have dated many women. I’m reaching out because this girl checks all the boxes off my list and I’ve never met someone to do so. I’ve never sought help like this, but this woman is truly something else. When she ended things, I used your strategy.

I assume he’s talking about “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”

I did not accept being friend-zoned or being broken up, but instead want to continue seeing her. When she denied, I told her to give me a call if she ever changed her mind.

Well, he did things right at the breakup, but leading up to that, the signs were there. This is why you’ve got to learn the book. This is why you’ve got to read it 10 to 15 times, so you don’t end up like this dude.

What I am most confused about is her interest level before we broke up. I thought it was still high.

Well, as I say in the book, which you should have read 10 to 15 times, but you didn’t, is that you should underrate it. You should assume that it’s lower than you think it is, because that’s typically what happens.

Maybe not an 8, but for sure not under a 5.

So, he knows her interest was low. That tells me he thinks it was a 6 to 7, but in reality, it was around a 5. Because all we have to do is look at her actions. Actions tell us everything. No matter how bad the red pill community wants to blame women for everything, it’s not the case.

We just went on a romantic vacation to San Diego filled with fun dates and lots of sex. Three days later, we split up. After she broke up with me, she still was showing physical attraction, love, and touch.

Well, I mean, you did spend two years together.

We ended up kissing and having sex before she left.

You got some goodbye sex, always nice.

As we said our goodbyes, she said she will always love me, and if I ever change my mind about being friends, please reach out.

That’s not going to happen. Well, it shouldn’t happen, let’s it put that way. Because if he does reach out after that, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. And so, he’s walked away saying, “Hey, get in touch if you’re interested in romance.” And she says, “Hey, get in touch if you’re interested in friendship.” And so, he who speaks first loses. So, if he reaches back out, then he’s basically acquiescing to friendship, and he’s bitching out, and he’ll stay in friend zone. You never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you, especially a woman who stuck you in friend zone.

Her reasons for ending things were a few big ones.

Remember, if you’ve been following me for awhile, whenever I talk about dudes in long-term relationships, when I do phone sessions, there’s always the same two things. It’s either one or the other, or a combination of both: 1) she doesn’t feel heard and understood, so therefore the legs close, and 2) he stopped dating and courting her. So, listen carefully.

She said she wasn’t ready to give the amount of effort I deserved.

So, in other words, “I know you like me more than I like you, therefore I just can’t give you the same level of effort and interest that you’re giving me.” That’s what that means. That tells me he was way more into her than she was in him. Therefore, she had all the power.

She was tired of being a professional girlfriend and always worried about meeting my needs.

In other words, she was forcing herself to put on an act. Because the most important thing, remember, women don’t care how much you like them, they only care about how they feel about you. And so, inside she wasn’t feeling attracted, but mentally she was keeping up a good public image. And this is why he was bamboozled.

He didn’t pay attention. He didn’t learn that in the chapter, “It’s All in the Numbers.” He couldn’t tell when her interested dropped. There’s a bunch of things women do specifically for each category. And since he never learned it, he didn’t see it happening. He just said, “I’m good. I don’t need a read Corey’s book 10 to 15 times. I’m special.”

She said she did not want to be in a relationship…

Meaning, she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with him, because her feelings are not there.

…and wanted to focus on herself for the time being.

In other words, “I don’t want to pretend that I still want to be your girlfriend when I’m feeling like I don’t.” So, that’s what she really means when she says “I’ve got to focus on myself.” In other words, “I’ve got to make myself happy, because I’m certainly not happy being your girlfriend and going through the motions. I don’t feel the urge to do it.” That’s the important thing. It doesn’t matter how much he cares about her and what a good dude he was, she’s not feeling it. That’s the only thing that matters.

She felt like what I wanted from her was too much.

Again, because he’s way more into her than she was in him, and he didn’t see it. He didn’t notice it. It happened slowly. But this is what happens when you don’t read the book 10 to 15 times. People don’t believe me. I’m trying to save you heartache. The red pill guys would be like, “Oh, she just met somebody else. Hypergamy doesn’t care. She’s not yours, it’s just your turn.” I’m sure I’ll see some triggered red pill dudes in the comments like usual. I love torching them. It’s pretty funny. They get upset pretty easily.

She also said she felt like I did not understand her…

It’s always two reasons in long-term relationships: 1) she didn’t feel heard and understood, and 2) they stopped dating and courting her properly. And here, she didn’t feel heard and understood. So, that tells me he had no idea how to communicate with her. No clue. Because, again, when he’s getting laid in the beginning, he’s like, “I don’t need all of that communication mumbo jumbo nonsense. Hey, this girl loves me. She thinks I’m amazing.”

…in regards to some of her life views. We have very different political views and worldwide problems. She is an environmentalist…

So, she’s a bit of a communist, it sounds like, a bit of a Marxist. The problem with Marxists and leftists is they think they know everything about everything, even though they’re typically some of the most ignorant people. But they’re sure that they’re right.

…and I am a businessman. So, we butted heads on some things.

She’s probably not happy about the patriarchy. “You damn capitalists! You damn entrepreneurs and capitalists with your businesses!”

I understand those things are big fuck ups.

Well, when a woman doesn’t feel heard and understood, the legs close, and when she does, the legs open. And when she doesn’t feel heard and understood long enough, eventually she’s like, “This guy is never going to get it,” and she’s constantly getting turned off, constantly doesn’t feel like he cares or tries to understand her. He doesn’t know what to look for, because he didn’t read the book.

Before the breakup, we were working on these issues.

You thought you were working on the issues, but the bottom line is she was still continually feeling like she was not heard and understood. There’s a video I did years ago called, “How To Communicate With Women Effectively.” It’s also referenced in “3% Man.” I highly recommend you watch it.

But I did not think it was this extreme, to the level of her walking out.

Yeah, because you didn’t know what to look for. The chapter “It’s All in the Numbers” has everything that a woman will be doing if she’s in love. And when you see her doing things that a woman that has an attraction of a 5, on a scale of 1 to 10, you’re on the verge of getting dumped. But he didn’t bother learning it, so he didn’t know what to look for.

“Corey, you always blame it on the guy!” Well, I’m reading the guy’s email. The woman didn’t write me. She’s gone on down the road. But the dude did. He asked me to help him, so I’m helping him with some tough love, some verbal tongue lashing, because he deserves it. Because I know for a fact, there will be lots of other dudes that will watch this and go, “Man, I don’t want to be like that schmuck. I’m going to actually read the book 10 to 15 times and send Corey a good success story of what happens when you read it 10, 15, 20 times or more.”

I know why she left me.

Sure. Famous last words.

And if I could go back in time, I would have made greater efforts to work on those things.

Well, I told you. You were warned, but you didn’t listen. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue.

During the breakup, I brought the issues up and explained how I am willing to work on them.

Oh, now he’s willing to work on them. She’d been trying to get you to work on them for a long time, but you were dismissive. You thought you knew it all.

And she said she’s not ready to be that committed to a relationship and fixing those problems. So, she can focus on herself.

What she’s really saying is, “My interest is gone, dude. Elvis has left the building. My pussy’s drier than the Sahara Desert. No dice. No chance of a rainstorm anywhere close. Not going to happen.” So she “can focus on herself.” In other words, like I said earlier, she wants to make herself happy, because she wasn’t happy putting on an act, pretending to be. And I know it’s harsh, but I’m not here to blow sunshine up your ass, because this can save somebody else’s relationship. As long as they listen and do the work.

My biggest question is, is she going to come back?

Flip a coin, it could go either way.

What is the chance?

50/50. It could go either way.

How long does it generally take if her interest level is still at a 5 or higher?

It could be a few days, it could be a few weeks, it could be a few months. We don’t know. There also could be another dude in the picture that she met. Who knows? The bottom line is, from exactly what she said, she’s turned off to the point where it’s pretty dusty down there, no signs of moisture anywhere. It’s like an old haunted house, cobwebs everywhere, dust everywhere.

I know, I’m terrible. You’ve got to laugh about these things because, you know, as you get older, you look back on your life like, “Man, I fucked up a lot.” Hey, you guys read the book. I’ve got all of my fuckups in there. I fucked up first so you don’t have to. But hey, some guys are committed to fucking up on their own. They’re going, “You know what, Corey? You were right with that 10 to 15 times. I should have listened. I would have still had a girlfriend if I had listened.”

If you don’t end up making a video, it would be greatly appreciated for video recommendations for something similar that you have made.

Thank you for all that you do.

Bob

Well, you’re in luck because I made a video for you. But like I said, the best thing you can be doing now is reading the book 10 to 15 times. Read the article or watch the video, “How To Communicate With Women Effectively,” like ten times. I would also encourage you to go through “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” a dozen or so times and be prepared. Because if she does reach out, she’s probably going to try to see if you’ll acquiesce to her demands of friendship.

You’re not going to meet her out for coffee. No neutral locations, no lunches, no going to her place. She’s got to come to your house to make dinner in the evening. And if she’s unwilling to do that, again, all the objections are handled in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” She’s got to come to you. She’s got to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. She unilaterally ended it, said she was not willing to work on it at this point, and said, “Hasta la vista, baby! Call me if you want a friendship and blue balls.”

So again, if she reaches out, make a date. She’s got to come over three dates in a row. And as long as you hang out, have fun and hook up all three dates, then you can meet her out, and pick her up, and do those things. But you’ve got to let her do 100% of the pursuing.

And the other thing I was saying, it’s obvious that you were still overpursuing this girl as well. You were you noticing things were way off and you were trying to force things, instead of things being easy and effortless and her making them easy for you. She just stuck around until her feelings were pretty much gone. She put on an act, and you bought the act. And then, she dipped out when the feelings were completely gone.

And you’re surprised, because you mistakenly assumed just because she was around, she felt a certain way. But if you knew what was in the attraction table in the chapter, “It’s All in the Numbers,” then you would have known what to look for. You would have seen her interest dropping and would have recognized that you needed to change things.

So, get back out there, start meeting and dating new women and move on with your life. Assume it’s over and you’re probably never going to hear from her again. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but this is where it’s at. You wanted to work things out, but she said, no dice. She says, I’m out. She tapped out. Elvis has left the building. Your ex-girlfriend and their entourage have moved on to greener pastures.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.