Danger Close: Should You Date Married Women?

Aug 9, 2011 by Coach Corey Wayne

Photo by iStock/g-stockstudio
As I discussed in my article playing with fire, it’s best to never date a woman who is married or separated until their situation with their ex and their divorce are finalized. Why? Getting a divorce is emotionally painful for all parties, especially when there are children involved. Women, being the emotional beings that they are, can be hot and cold if you are dating them. In other words, one minute she’s all over you, the next minute she needs her space.

I know it’s tough when you’re dating a woman you really like, but due to her circumstances (being married, separated, fighting with her ex over custody of the kids, etc.), it can be a very messy and emotionally draining ordeal. It is essential to your overall happiness and well-being to date women who are emotionally available, single, ready to date, ready to hook up, etc. as opposed to getting involved with a woman who has a messy divorce going on in the background.

As a man, it is a good policy to make your life and your intimate relationships a drama free zone. Only date women who are mature, understand men, have a good attitude, are flexible, a giver and most importantly, who know how to communicate like a mature adult without flying off the handle and getting angry at the drop of a hat. There are way too many women and way too many choices out there for you to be settling for anything less.

When you date a woman who is emotionally, physically or legally unavailable to you, you in essence are putting your relationship life on hold until she resolves her situation, or breaks it off with you in a sudden and dramatic fashion. Going along with this gives your power away as a man. When a woman knows you are giving up what you really want and compromising your principles and desires to be with her, she will become bitchy, test and pull away. It’s up to you to do the right thing and not leave it up to her.

Men who date women in these situations still have a scarcity mindset when it comes to women. He’s willing to go along with things that are not ideal or to his liking, because he fears he won’t find someone better if he leaves his dysfunctional relationship. A man who views himself as a catch is certainly not going to take himself off the market for a woman who is unavailable to him. His attitude is…“hey, you are amazing! Give me a call, or shoot me a text once you get your situation resolved” and then, he goes about his life and forgets about her. Maybe he hears from her, maybe he doesn’t. He doesn’t care because it’s more important to live in the now and experience life because when your times up, your times up. Never settle for anything that is less than what you really want or deserve.

The following is an e-mail from a reader who is dating a woman who has a needy, control freak and jealous husband. This guy is playing with fire. My comments are (in bold brackets like this) in the body of his e-mail:

Hi, I’ve been seeing a separated women with a child for three months. We totally hit it off and I’m feeling in love (you better check yourself before you wreck yourself), but I know she’s still separated and she can drop me anytime and leave back to her “husband” (yep, so why would you want to endure the roller coaster emotional ride with her when there are so many other pretty and available ladies? Some people date and stay in bad relationships or relationships with people who are unavailable because they feel they do not deserve anything better or to avoid a real serious relationship altogether). She often mentions that she needs healing (maybe even some counseling or psychological help from a professional) to overcome the obsessed husband who doesn’t really know about our relationship (you are playing with fire dude). He want’s her back, he has some obsessive disorder (nice, and you want to date a woman with a man who could go “postal” on you at any time?) and at times he stresses her out to the point where she needs a break from me (do you like the yo-yo emotional roller coaster? I dated a woman who was passive-aggressive once. I got off that emotional roller coaster thankfully. You should get off this one ASAP!).

I also feel awkward dating/relationship with a married woman (LISTEN TO THAT FEELING THAT IS YOUR HEART IS SCREAMING AT YOU TO DO THE RIGHT THING FOR YOU!) but at the same time, I have these feelings for her. It’s often an emotional roller coaster, since it’s downgrading my self-esteem (you are choosing to downgrade your self-esteem. Upgrade it right now by ending this bad relationship. You deserve a good woman, but you can’t meet her while you are wrapped up with a fruit-loop), but I can’t seem to let go of this woman (sure you can. Start meeting and dating other women). I also feel at times I could be wasting my time (Ding! Ding! we have a winner!), since there’s a lot of value type woman out there with zero strings attached (now you’re talking!). I really want this relationship to continue (no you don’t, you’re bullshitting yourself. You know it needs to end, but you are afraid to end it because you fear you won’t find someone better. That is why you should hire me to coach you, so I can help you meet and attract a woman who is totally out of your league) but there’s that fear (there always will be fear, but by taking action to learn how to attract someone who is ideal for you, this will build your confidence)

Any suggestions?

Thanks,

J

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Published on August 9, 2011

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Hi,

    I have been involved with a married woman for six years! On again off again, anger, jealousy pain. To boot, she lives 700 miles away! The final straw was when she stayed here and her son (her only) came to visit and they slept in the same bed (he is 22). You are right, I did not think I deserved better! As I said I and in therapy as I am having problems with inter-personal relationships. I am 67 and she is 65. I am working on getting better and avoiding unhealthy relationships.

  2. Great articles, I have just reunited with a former girlfriend from 20 years ago. Although she says she is so happy we are together again she is married and claims she is unhappy.
    After reading your articles I am rethinking the whole thing. I think once she knows she has me she will never leave her husband. As the saying goes why buy the milk when the cow is free.
    Thank you,
    Spooky

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