In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is an avid and experienced surfer. He shares a list of dating situations and how they metaphorically match up to how a good surfer navigates and experiences waves. He has noticed, when things are going well in his life, he does much better at surfing, and when things are not going well in his life, he tends to struggle and not do very well when surfing. He shares how becoming great at all aspects of surfing, like knowing which waves to ride and which ones to pass on, is also similar to the process of pickup, dating, seduction and relationships. I discuss his email and review some basic fundamentals of improving your pickup, dating and relationship skills, so you can improve your chances of romantic success. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email:
I have read your book and watched some of your videos and found your comparison of women like being cats interesting. (This is a reference to my article and video, “Women Are Like Cats, Men… Dogs.”) It actually made me think of something else that maybe some guys don’t use or think of, to make an analogy from, as a way help calm themselves or keep them balanced when things don’t go well, and it’s an obvious one to me: Sports. In my case, I like surfing. I almost always have used a “that’s life” approach to difficulties that come along in life, and the act of surfing helps me to see relationships like this. It doesn’t have to be for a guy regarding women. It could actually be swapped, don’t you think? (I think it’s a good metaphor.)
Surfing:* Paddling for an oncoming wave – Similar to meeting a woman for the first time. It’s your first encounter and there is anticipation of what will happen. The more you do it, the less nervous it is going for it! (You have to interact with enough women, and you have to practice. You also have to progress things in the correct sequence, as explained in the steps in my book. For example, if a woman isn’t physically interacting with you, you should not be asking her to go back to your place. Otherwise, it will be inappropriate. You must follow the progression, and you must practice.)
* Taking the Drop down the wave – This is the point at which pulling out can get you hurt, and worse, you potentially miss a good wave. (In other words, knowing when to act and engage and knowing when to walk away.) Like a guy not going up and asking a girl for their number, etc. Once the wave has passed, you can no longer go for it, which is a lot like saying, “I wish I went over and talked to her,” an hour after you get home. It’s too late, and the opportunity is gone. (When you dither and hesitate and don’t go over, you’ve basically communicated you’re submissive and not the dominant type. Women are most attracted to men who exhibit qualities of the most dominant and confident males. You have to become comfortable going over there and getting rejected.)
* Getting up on the wave – It can be either a smooth transition, or a bobble in the wave throws you off the first few dates, and if a guy doesn’t get past the first date, they feel like they have “wiped out.” (Interacting with women is the only way you’ll get better.)* Wiping out on a wave – Wipeouts can cause a surfer to panic unless they have done it before, or are used to it. This could be like your teachings about worrying you will lose the girl and pursue too hard. (That’s what I call, “The Illusion Of Action,” when you think you’ve got to do something to make her like you more. However, attraction is not a choice. They either like you or they don’t.) It’s a point of potential panic. A surfer has to let the wave roll them all over the place and then they come up for air. It’s largely out of their control. (Just like attraction isn’t a choice, Mother nature has handled this ahead of time.) If a girl is not replying, or a guy is pursuing too hard, they should think of it like a wiped-out wave. (“Dating Is Like Tennis.” You leave a message, and then wait to hear from her. If you never hear from her, then you know where you stand.) It may be a lost cause to panic and fight it too much. Instead wait for it to pass and wait for the next wave to come along. (That’s what the illusion of action is, trying to force things. You’ve got to give the other person space to reciprocate.)
* Catching a long, easy ride on a wave, generally on a bigger, easier-to-use surfboard – Things just falling into place and the surfer doesn’t have to react to the wave much. The wave and the big surfboard are doing all the work. (That is like interacting with women that already like you. Remember, attraction is not a choice.) You would think that most surfers would want this, and to use your teachings if the girl is doing all the work, it’s easier obviously, but that’s not the case, as you get better. (Women help you when they like you. They make it easier for you when they’re attracted to you.)* Catching a turbulent, messy wave that is unpredictable, perhaps even seems dangerous, usually on a shorter surfboard – This tells me a lot about the surfer/person and is the most interesting to me. I see some surfers not go out when it’s like this. They would rather it not be a challenge/difficult and surf another time. (This is like the guy who never talks to women, because he’s afraid of rejection. However, you’ve got to get through the no’s before you can get to the yes’s.) I give these waves a go, and delay my fears before doing so. This, to me is like a wall of not approaching a prettier or more beautiful girl than you normally would, or maybe a test that a woman gives. On these sorts of waves, the surfer has to have perfect balance, and react only when they have to make a critical maneuver. They do have to react, but it’s a calculated reaction, i.e. they were prepared for it and they practiced it. (Repetition is the mother of skill. Confidence comes from competence. If you’re not competent and confident, you, in essence, haven’t failed and been rejected enough to the point where it doesn’t bother you.) If someone reads your book and uses your techniques, they can make reactions and decisions that are well prepared.
* Finally, the tricks, flips and “show pony” moves during surfing – Got game when you meet women? This part of surfing is a lot like that. The basics are covered, and it’s time to take more risks and try different things, mastering them to a consistency. Only 3% of surfers are these type of surfers, and they are usually the ones on the world tour. (When I coach professional athletes, the guys who become really great are the ones who are immersed. They work out harder, study longer and they practice more than anyone they are competing against. When you get to that level, everybody has talent, but not everybody is willing to develop that talent. Bobby Knight said, “Most people have the will to win, but few people have the will to prepare to win.”)
I find that when my life goes better, I surf better. When life is challenging/difficult, I surf worse. I push through and eventually get back on track though. I see others give up surfing for a period of time and do not progress, for example. (You have to keep chipping away at it. If you get rejected, you’ve got to keep grinding.)While I have had some people think I am mad for going out in terrible, or even dangerous conditions, I always tell them after I paddle in, “No risk, no reward. It was worth it, even if just for one wave.” (Always try to get a little better today than you were yesterday.) You have to try, even if nothing comes out of a surf session. Why just look at the waves, then get back in the car and drive home? (Life requires participation. You have to participate in your own rescue.) That’s like seeing a cute girl and not giving it a shot. Push yourself enough times in sports, taking risks and getting rewards, makes the simple act of walking up to a girl and starting a conversation easy in my opinion. I just tell myself, “This is easier than taking that beating from the wave I wiped out on the other day, which raked me over the rocks and cut me up!” If it doesn’t work out, look within and realize you cannot control the ocean. If the girl is not interested or doesn’t like you, it doesn’t matter. There are plenty of other waves to catch elsewhere, so put the surfboard back in the cover and drive somewhere else.
No real question in there for you, but something interesting nonetheless.
Anyway, just thought I would share that with you, keep up the good work. (Thanks for all the great metaphors. I appreciate the email.)
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“What do most successful people have in common that separates and differentiates them from unsuccessful people? Successful people tend to excel at getting other people to like them. We tend to like people who make us feel good, who make us feel like they care about us, who make us laugh, who are optimistic and who have a strong sense of who they are, where they are going and why they are going there. Successful people focus on becoming a person of value in both their professional and personal lives. Successful people know things the average person does not. To become a person of value, you must focus on becoming great at doing something you love for a living, and becoming knowledgeable and competent at things you enjoy doing, simply for fun. People who are able to accomplish both their personal and professional goals, tend to be happier, uplifting and more fun to be around than those who always feel like they are behind the eight ball and struggling.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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