Dos & Don’ts When Trying To Attract Your Ex Back

Several dos and don’ts when you are trying to attract your ex back after turning her off and getting dumped.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been in no contact with his ex after he was constantly vacillating back and forth between being masculine and acting like a beta male. He is in the middle of reading 3% Man for the first time.

She just started reaching out, and he is trying to follow what I teach in my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” but he is confused, overwhelmed and unsure of what to do next. He has several questions which I discuss on what’s most important to focus on to attract her back successfully. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

A lot of people you’ll see in the comments will say, “Oh, she’s an ex for a reason.” Well, when guys are coming to me, it’s typically because they got dumped. Women typically file for divorce and do the breaking up about 75% of the time. And in this guy’s case, he admits that he vacillated back and forth between acting masculine and acting like a beta male to the point where he completely turned his girlfriend off, where she lost attraction and no longer wanted to be with him.

And when a guy gets dumped, and he didn’t want to be dumped, and he wants to fix his relationship, and he wants to stay with his girlfriend, but she’s not feeling it anymore, there are certain things that you have to do to put yourself in the best possible position to create the conditions where her attraction starts to go back up. She starts reaching out, calling, texting, wanting to spend time with you, wanting to see you, and ultimately, eventually, wanting to be back into a relationship with you. But there’s a process that you have to go through. Obviously, the biggest glaring thing is you’ve got to stop displaying all the unattractive behavior that turned her off in the first place.

And so, this particular guy was brand new to my work, he got dumped three months ago. He went into no contact and started learning my material. And she just reached out to him recently after he bumped into her on a night out. And so, what you’re seeing here is the beginning stages of what happens when an ex starts to come back, and how do you facilitate her moving towards you, to where it gets to the point like it used to be, when things were good when you were together. But it is a process.

And men who don’t understand this think it’s just like a light switch. “Oh, she called me. We hung out, we hooked up. Great! Now we can go right back to being in a relationship.” And it doesn’t work that way. Because it takes time for a woman to fall in love with you, and it takes time for her to fall out of love with you. But it also takes time for her to fall back in love with you. And so, this is the beginning of the process, where this guy is trying to get her to fall back in love with him and want to be in a relationship again.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

I’m on my first read through, about halfway through, and there is lots I don’t understand. It’s one of those things where the more you learn the more you realize you don’t know.

Well, as Confucius said, “Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.”

My ex is back in my life after 3 months of no contact. She saw me at a club and reached out two days later.

So, when you go no contact, what’s happened in these situations is she’s uninterested in getting back together. She’s uninterested in seeing you romantically. Oftentimes, the girlfriend or ex-girlfriend has friendzoned the guy and said, “Oh, let’s just be friends now,” and he doesn’t want that. And so, no contact is basically, you both got up from the negotiating table because you’re at an impasse. You want sex and romance. She wants platonic friendship, because she doesn’t feel the same way that she used to. And the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it.

Because if you say no to friendship, and then you start calling her and pursuing her and texting her, your actions are showing – when she’s constantly saying, “Hey, friendship only” – if you start pursuing her again, then obviously that must mean you’ve acquiesced to her request for friendship. Just like when you’re trying to buy a car, say the dealer says, “I want $30 grand,” and you’re like, “I want to pay $25k,” and then you walk away. And then 3 or 4 days later, you call them up and saying, “Hey, is that car still available? I want to pay $25k.” The dealer is going to know if you’re still reaching out, you’re still interested. So, from a leverage perspective, that puts them in a stronger position of leverage.

And so, if you’re really serious, $25k is your bottom line and you’re like, “Hey, call me if you change your mind and you want to sell me that car for $25,000,” then you walk away. Because maybe 3 or 4 weeks later nobody else has been willing to pay the price. Maybe people are offering even lower than $25k, and then they call you up after 30 days saying, “Hey, we’re trying to clear the lot. We’re trying to get rid of some of the older inventory. And if you’re open to it, we’d like to have you come in and talk about potentially taking that car off our hands for $25,000.”

But if you don’t wait for that, again, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. That’s the important thing, you have to mean it. You can’t say, “I’m not interested in friendship,” and then three weeks later, call her, and start going to lunch, and hanging out on group dates with friends and things of that nature, because you get nowhere. Because your actions, the fact that you are putting yourself in her orbit, or near her, or around her when she said “friends only,” communicates through your actions that you’re okay with friendship, and that’s not going to be a way to get out of it.

You can’t get out of being friends only if you agree to hang out with her when she’s saying friends only. So, if you say no to friendship and then you walk away, you’re never going to talk to her again, as long as you live, unless she reaches out and says, “Hey, well, I’d kind of like to talk. I’d like to see you,” or whatever.

So, that’s what no contact means. It doesn’t mean you hold out for a couple of days and then you start calling and pursuing again. Because, typically, also in these situations, the guy, especially as a woman pushes him away, he falls under the illusion of action and then starts trying to call and text and pursue more, thinking that’s going to help him. And what that does is just literally chase the woman out of your life.

She dumped me, because I was acting masculine one minute and beta the next.

So, you’re vacillating back and forth between masculine and feminine energy, between being a leader and a follower. And women want a guy they admire, they respect, and that they can follow, and trust his leadership, and feel safe and comfortable that he’ll handle things. He’ll handle being the head of the household, the man of the family, if you will. All that crap about feminism and 50/50, it’s a bunch of BS. It ruins the sexual polarity.

And that applies for lesbian relationships and gay relationships as well. There’s always a masculine essence and always a feminine essence. And when the two of them act too similar, they feel like roommates. There’s no sexual polarity, there’s no romantic attraction. That’s why you want to be polarized towards what is your dominant essence. A really masculine guy is going to be most attracted to a very feminine woman, and a very feminine woman is going to be most attracted and feel safest with a guy who’s in his masculine. And if the guy starts acting like a girl, and being unsure of himself, and not standing up for himself, and letting her walk all over him, he’s too soft. And therefore, she’s going to lose attraction, because he’s not acting like a man. In other words, he’s not being strong emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically.

Once she reached out, I had her come over for dinner and we hung out, had fun, and hooked up. I told her to call me later.

That is textbook. That’s exactly what it says in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” She must come to you. She ended the relationship. She wrecked it, in essence. And therefore, since she wrecked it, she’s the one that’s got to fix it. Therefore, if she pushed you away to the point where she’s like, “No, I don’t want anything, friendship or nothing,” then you’re like, “I’m not interested in friendship. Call me if you change your mind.” So, you want her to submit to you and what you want, which is sex and romance.

And this is also why you have her come to your place. You don’t go meet her out, You don’t go to lunch, you don’t go to coffee. You don’t go out on group dates with your mutual group of friends. Because the process of seduction requires you to get closer and closer to her until, ultimately, you end up inside of her.

She reached out two days later, and the 3 H’s occurred again.

And so, this is what typically happens. You hang out, you have fun, you hook up. Hopefully the sex is good. You give her multiple orgasms, and then she’ll want to come back for more. But because she pushed you away and she’s got to fix it, you should be in the mindset of “I will give her the benefit of the doubt, and I will give her the chance and create the conditions where she can earn another chance with me. Show that she’s remorseful, she made a mistake. She should have stuck around and wanted to work it out. And so, in this case, she’s got to do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing.”

Now, guys make mistakes when they get into this situation, they start hooking up 2 or 3 times, and they’re like, “great,” and they go right back to calling and texting. And then what happens is, women are kind of like cats. They get too familiar with him, they get bored, they don’t want to call as much, they don’t text as much. And then the guy keeps trying to force himself back into her life. So, her attraction was going up, and as he starts to pursue again, it starts to go back down, because then the rekindling and the romance becomes his idea instead of hers.

And if she’s the one that’s supposed to be earning another chance with you, that’s why she’s got to do all of the pursuing. That means the texting and the calling has got to be initiated by her. Because what guys experience when they start pursuing again is it may work for a couple of weeks or a couple of dates, and then what happens is you get flakiness, you get canceled dates. You get girls that won’t commit to a date, because it gets in the way of the attraction being rebuilt.

A couple more days go by, and she texts me again. I have her come over and we hang out, have fun and hook up.

So, that’s three dates in a row she comes over. So that’s good. That shows she’s submitting, she’s going along with your agenda. You’re being the leader. And so, now that she’s come over all three times in a row, the next time she reaches out, then you can pick her up, you can go meet her out. Ideally, you want to do dates in the evening that can lead to sex at her place or yours. And since you’re letting her do all of the reaching out, it’s always her idea. You’re not going to get rejected in that case.

At this point, she is being extremely loving, affectionate, and is having little slip ups when talking to me, letting me know she considers me “in her life” and such.

Again, she should be trying to get your attention, your validation. Feminine energy is bonding, connecting, opening up to receive love, relationships, dating, dating labels, nesting, all of those things. That’s why when the guy starts to do those things, especially in the beginning, it actually turns women off, because they, in essence, are acting like another chick. And then that’s when men get, “I’m confused. There’s something missing. There’s no spark.” The important thing is what a woman feels.

I feel like I have been on my A game with her, even with my basic understanding of the concepts. Just being aware of tests and the mindset I need to have has helped a lot. Still a lot to learn, however.

For our fourth hangout, I took her to a movie. Reason being, we had watched the two “Creed” movies while hanging out, and I asked her to see the third. (I know now that movie dates are bad for multiple reasons.)

Well, typically movie dates are bad when you’re trying to get to know somebody. But this is an ex. This is somebody you were in a relationship with. So that doesn’t really apply. But again, you’ve got to think about, what is the purpose of a date? A man’s job, his role in the courtship is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen – to hang out, to have fun, to hook up.

And if you’re going to a movie, normally, if this was a new girl, you’re just dating, you sit there for two, three hours watching a movie and you’re not talking, you’re not interacting. You’re just staring at a screen. It gets in the way of creating rapport and the magic happening between the two of you. But this is somebody that you were in a relationship with, so it’s not the end of the world. But if you’re trying to attract her back, and you’re trying to reestablish sex and intimacy and give her multiple orgasms when you hang out, then I wouldn’t suggest going on a movie date.

Anyway, the movie date went great. Lots of kissing, she has her arm around me the whole time, etc. She said things like, “we are going to see that movie too,” and laughed at ALL my dumb jokes.

So, she’s obviously feeling a high level attraction. And to this guy’s credit, what he’s done is he’s let her do 100% of the pursuing up until this point.

We both were going out of town the next day. In the car ride back, she mentioned how it was “going to be 5 years” until she saw me again, in a playful and I’ll miss you way.

I think you just jokingly say, “Well, just think about how great the makeup sex will be when we haven’t seen each other in five years, babe.” So, partly, women toy with that ,and it’s playful to see if you’re bothered or you’re perturbed by her suggesting or insinuating that there might be a long period of time before you see each other next. And if before, when he was with her, she said things similar or just mentioned, “Hey, I’m going to go hang out with my girlfriends this weekend,” or whatever, “and you’re not welcome to come,” in essence, he might have gotten butt-hurt about that or mad or controlling.

These are the kinds of things that she’ll throw out there to see if you’re perturbed, or you’re butt-hurt, or you’re upset. Masculinity is calm. And as long as you’re calm, and you’re playful, and you’re unperturbed, and you’re not worried about it, you will pass the test.

When I dropped her off, she gave me multiple goodbye kisses, got out and started to walk to her door, turned around and came back to my car window and kissed me a couple more times.

So, it’s nice that the movie date went well. But what’s missing? There’s no sex. That’s why, in the beginning, I would not suggest doing what this guy did.

She texted me immediately after I left and said, “I had a great time tonight. Thank you again. You made today so much better. Have fun in LR.” Wow, this Corey Wayne stuff works.

Here is where I am lost or confused; am I never supposed to call her again?

Not right now. Like I say in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” she’s got to do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. Remember, she broke it off. She ended it. Granted, you did a lot of unattractive things to the point where she completely lost interest in you, and you made her pussy drier than a bucket of sand. And so, with her reaching out, you’ve got to understand, and like I talk about in the book, is that women are designed, and they do this naturally, to get a man’s attention. The nails, the hair, trying on 20 pairs of shoes and clothes before she goes out on a date, putting all of the war paint on, nice smelling perfume – all of these things are designed to get a man’s attention.

And so, what a woman typically does is call or text because, again, they want to bond, they want to connect when they’re feeling it. And your correct response is to understand, “Hey, if she’s reaching out to me, it must be because she wants to see me. Let me wrap her up in my arms, and take her on another date, and romance her, sweep her off her feet, and give her plenty of orgasms,” later in the evening, as you’re deep inside her. That’s how the process goes. She spends enough time away, starts to miss you, and then she reaches out. That’s what you’re trying to facilitate.

Is she the only one who can reach out? I know I shouldn’t begin pursuing her again, but also, how do I treat her?

Just like you’re doing now. But I wouldn’t be going on movie dates.

If I don’t hear from her for a week do I call and make a date?

No. Remember she broke it off with you. She messed it up. She’s got to earn another chance with you, not the other way around.

I believe I can start taking her to fun places now, instead of just my place.

Yeah, exactly. “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” says three times. She must come to your place three times in a row. And as long as you hang out, have fun and hook up all three times, then you start meeting her out and picking her up. Like, his first date is the fourth date. After she got back in touch with him, they went to a movie. I wouldn’t have suggested that. And what happened? They went to the movie. Then he took her home. So, there was no sex, there was no intimacy. There was no deep bonding, no deep connection, no hot beef injection.

Essentially, what’s the game plan, Coach? I haven’t heard from her in a week, although we have both been out of town. Should I call and set the next date?

Rinse, recycle, repeat. When you hear from her next, assume she wants to see you and create an opportunity for sex to happen, and hang out, have fun, hook up. Simple as that. You can go to dinner, you can go have fun, maybe go away for the weekend, or whatever. But you’ve got to let her come to you at her pace. As her feelings go up and she bonds with you, she’s going to call you more and text you more, just like a woman that you just started dating whose attraction is going up. Because the idea is you’re facilitating the process of her falling back in love with you, and her seeing you be calm, collected, direct, decisive, getting to the point and leading her to great sex in the bedroom at the end of your dates.

I will continue to read your book because it’s important to me to get this right.

Yeah, 10 to 15 times. And you should be reading it with the audio book at 2-speed while you’re following along in a digital or physical copy. This will force your brain to focus mostly on the words that are being spoken, so you’ll commit them to memory much quicker and much more effectively. That’s what you need to do, because right now he’s learning this stuff, and he’s like, “Man, this is really easy.” But there’s a lot of information, and he’s just getting into it, and that’s why you go through it 10 to 15 times, so you get to know the material in the book so well, you don’t have to think about it. And then that way, you’re not going to be in your head all the time. But again, this is really early in the beginning, so just take your time.

And as far as you calling her or texting her, the only time you should do that is, say, 3, 4 weeks, maybe a month in the future she starts going, “How come you never call me? How come you never text me?” I would joke around and laugh about it, like, “Babe, I love seeing your name light up on my phone.” And then, if she complains about it a couple of times, then maybe once a week you text her out of the blue, “Hey, babe. Hope you’re having a great day. I was thinking about you.” Or maybe you fill out a little card, say something sweet in it, and mail it to her.

Because what you have to understand, when they complain that you’re not reaching out or calling or texting, it shows that they care. But it also is them communicating, “Hey, I’d like more of your attention.” The key is you don’t want to give too much of it, because most guys have the problem of overpursuing. They call and they text too much to the point where the girl is just like, “Ugh, I’ll get to him later.” And then what you notice is, when you’re texting, her responses are getting shorter. You might you got a little 4 or 5 word sentence from her. Meanwhile, you’ve just put 40 words in a sentence, and every one of your texts are real big. Or you text back right away, and she takes a few hours to reply. Or the next time you try to set a date, she’s not sure about her schedule.

And so, this is why, especially when you’re trying to re attract her, that you let her do 100% of the calling texting, and pursuing. So, I would not call or text or reach out unless she complains about it a couple of times, and then only once a week would I reach out differently. Calling or texting, sending her maybe a handwritten note, a little cute Post-it note, put it on the visor of her car, so when she gets gets up in the morning to go to work or whatever, she pulls it down and “Hey, thinking about you. Have a great day!” with a little heart or something on it like that. Just something that shows you were thinking about her.

Because when a woman complains that you’re not calling or texting enough, all she really is saying is, “Hey, show me that you care a little bit more.” And that’s what women want. They want to know that you care. But way too many guys are too needy, and too insecure, and they’re caring really is neediness. It’s covering up for their neediness. In other words, they didn’t get enough hugs or strokes as a kid from their parents. And so, they want their girlfriend to constantly validate them on a daily basis. “Yes. I still like you. Yes. I’m still attracted to you. Yes. I still want to be in a relationship with you. Yes, I care about you.” And it’s incessant to the point where the guy shows, through his neediness, he’s not confident.

The number one strength characteristic to women in a relationship is confidence. And so, if guy is needy, and he calls too much, and he texts too much, it’s not because he’s trying to show that he cares about her, but because he’s trying to find out, “does she still care about me?” Because when you don’t get enough hugs and enough strokes as a kid, you start to think you’re unloved and unlovable. And you’ll drive the people that you’re with or that you date nuts, because you’re constantly needing attention and validation that you didn’t get from mommy and daddy.

And so, if you feel the urge to do that, less really is more when it comes to these things, especially when you’re trying to attract her back. Because if a woman is chasing you and doing all of the pursuing, guess what? You don’t have to worry about getting dumped. That will help you feel calm and stay calm, because she’s doing all of the pursuing, and you’re seeing her every other day, and you’re having great sex.

Like I said, the big mistake he made was going to a movie, because, yeah, you kissed, you hugged, but there was no sex and intimacy. And the more sex and intimacy there is, and especially if you’re giving her good orgasms, guess what? The more she’s going to want to have sex and intimacy with you. So, it’s important to think about those things, and be smart, and make sure because, again, you’ve got to think about the logistics of sex. Make sure it can end in sex at her place or yours. And that’s why I would not recommend a movie, because most of the time you’re not talking, you’re not interacting, you’re not doing things to facilitate a seduction.

I’ve watched “7 Principles to Get an Ex Back” a few times…

Well, I would say you should watch it a few more.

…but I’m not sure where to go after she’s sort of back in my life.

Many thanks, and blessings to you Coach.

Bob

Well, again, if she does all the pursuing, what happens is you see each other twice a week, maybe. And then 4 or 5, 6 weeks into it, you might be together just about every day. And so, that’s what happens. She calls, she texts more, and it gets to the point where she’s calling and texting multiple times a day, and you’re always together. But it’s a process that happens slowly. As her interest goes up and as our attraction goes up, she calls you more, she texts you more. She’s more open to seeing you and being around you, to the point where you’re just pretty much always together when you’re not at work or taking care of your normal day to day responsibilities that we all have as part of living. Take your time. Practice infinite patience. Be calm. Let her come to you at her pace.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.