What you should do and what it means if you have been ghosted by a woman you were dating and really into, but she stopped replying to your messages or put you in friend-zone.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who matched and re-connected with a woman via online dating, he knew really well from childhood. There was a strong romantic connection right away, and they hooked up on their first date. Then on the third date, things were going so well he thought, that he asked her to become exclusive, and she accepted. Interestingly enough, she mentioned it was the first time a man had ever asked her to become exclusive, because normally it was always her that brought up the topic with past boyfriends.
She started becoming distant, and a few days later she told him how awesome he was and how she wanted to be a great girlfriend to him, but that she wanted to be friends only, while throwing out the possibility of a future romance later. Then she simply ghosted him, and he’s scratching his head wondering what the hell happened. He asks my opinion. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
Hey Coach Corey,
About 2 weeks ago, I matched with a girl I used to know and be good friends with when I was really young, maybe 6-8 years old. She messaged me first, and we talked for about 10 hours — wrong I know.
(Just make the fucking date. It’s just not necessary to talk too much. It’s like when you go to watch a movie you’ve been waiting to see, and your buddy tells you the guy dies at the end of the movie. What’s the reason to stick around if you already know what’s going to happen? It’s the same thing when it comes to dating. It’s anticipation.
If you look at what’s in movies and on TV, the guy’s in a mad dash to the finish line to put a fucking ring on the woman’s finger, or some other guy is going to come along and rip off your girl. It’s just constantly blasted out there. Then when guys do what they see in the movies, they get ghosted.)
Then I asked her on a date, and she was super into it, giving me her number.
(So obviously, she was really into you. Plus you had something to talk about, because you had known each other since you were kids. From that perspective, you already had social proof with her. You realize it’s not necessary to talk ten hours, but it just shows you there was a high level of chemistry there.)
The date went really well, she loved it and we connected well. We had a second date, which we went for a movie, and it went really well again.
(Movies are fine for a girlfriend or a wife, but how do you create rapport or advance the courtship when you’re staring at a screen?)
This time, she invited me into her house where we put on a movie and started making out. Then I tried to take it a step further, very cautiously, and she said she wanted to take it slow. She offered for me to sleep with her, literally, so we did and it went great.
(It sounds like you backed up when she offered you a little bit of resistance, and obviously you did the right thing there. Then when she saw you were cool with it and didn’t get butt hurt, with a non-attached attitude, she was like “you can have me.”)
On the third date, she asked for it and offered a picnic, so I chose the spot, made her food, and we spent time and talked, watching the sun set on this deserted lake. I then asked her to become exclusive,
(On the third date? You’ve definitely been watching too many movies my friend. You’ve got to understand, she hasn’t had time to emotionally bond with you yet. Women fall in love a lot more slowly, and now you just lost locked her down.
She hadn’t heard from you, and now two weeks later, she’s literally in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. Ninety nine percent of the time, a woman is going to bounce on you if you do something like that, even if she initially accepts at first, which is obviously what she does),
and she was taken aback a bit, but she said it was because she had never had a guy ask that question. It was always her. She said “yes of course.”
(What does my book teach about that? Hang out, have fun and hook up. It’s the man’s job to create an opportunity for sex to happen. It’s his job to drive the courtship. With relationships, commitments and dating labels, let her bring it up. Then when she brings it up, she’s ready. If you follow what’s in the book, it usually takes until week seven for the average woman to fall in love.)
After that date, she texted me the following morning and asked how my morning was, and we chatted for a bit casually. Then that night, she started to get distant,
(That’s when she starts thinking, “Fuck. I barely know this guy. I’ve only been seeing him for two weeks, and now he’s already my boyfriend.” She starts thinking, “How can I get out of this?”),
not responding to texts as fast, etc.
(That tells me you were not using the phone to set dates. You were using it to get to know her, and figuring the courtship could continue digitally. It just doesn’t work like that dude. You literally end up talking her out of liking you. It’s like you’re giving her the whole ending of the movie in the first two weeks. There’s no opportunity for her to go, “Does he like me? Does he want to become exclusive? Will he be a good boyfriend?”
Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear, and there’s nothing unclear about any of this. It’s too much, way too fucking soon.)
I asked her to go to the club with me and some friends, and she agreed saying her friend would love to come too.
(As I teach in the book, you don’t do group dates until you’re exclusive, but the exclusivity wasn’t her idea. It was your idea.)
This distance grew over the next day, and on the following day, she was very distant and said she had a lot going on at work and in life now, so she would rather just stay at home this weekend if that was okay.
(Notice, that was never an issue when you got together and hooked up. What she’s really trying to say is, “I don’t have enough time for you, and I’m not going to make time for you at this point in my life.”)
I agreed with her, and offered to come over on Sunday to spend a little time with her. She agreed and said this was sweet.
(Just like a good manservant would. It’s cute in the movies, but in real life, it’s a one-way ticket to friend-zone.)
On Saturday she texted me this, “Hey 🙂 My friend convinced me too go see her. Bob, I want to be your girlfriend, and I want to be the best one ever, but there’s so much going on in my life right now. I’m not sure if it’s the best timing. You’re so freakin’ amazing. I really do adore you. I want to hang out with you, just after what I went through was really tough, and I don’t know if I’m ready to fall in love again right away. I think friendship would be appropriate for right now. That doesn’t mean anything won’t blossom in the future.”
(What she’s really trying to say is, this is moving way too fast, I’m not down with it, and I’m not feeling it. It means, nothing is going to “blossom in the future” because she has decided you’re in friend-zone.)
She then didn’t respond to my texts to see her and talk about this,
(You’re not the first dude she’s done this to dude. She’s probably done this to dozens of guys who made the same mistake you did of trying to lock her down to a commitment right away. What really happens is, she makes herself available for other guys that aren’t in such a rush. They let the love story happen naturally over time, and they let her come to them at her own pace.
Think about it. She’s going to have to make up more explanations that won’t make any fucking sense to you, and you’re going to be using logic and reason thinking, “I’m a great guy. We have this connection. The sex was amazing. We’ve known each other since we were eight years old.” She already knows how that conversation is going to go because she’s probably had it happen a couple of dozen times over the course of her life. Then you’re probably not going to take no for an answer, because you want to get together and talk),
and I left her alone, since I thought space was the best option.
(When somebody does that to you, you walk away and you never look back. You definitely need to review my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” You’ve got to clean up your game dude. This girl was really into you, and you talked her out of liking you.)
She removed me from Snapchat, but left me on Facebook and on her iMessage. Now it’s Wednesday and still no word.
(This is the illusion of action. As a guy, you’re thinking “I’ve got to do something,” but that’s the problem. You did too much to the point where she wants to get away from you. Now you trying to do more of what got you friend-zoned is just going to cause her to block you and ghost you for good.)
My plan was to text her this weekend,
(Dude, she’s ignoring you. Have some self-respect. These are the actions of a guy who doesn’t value himself. You’re not acting like a guy who perceives himself as having anything of value to offer. You think resorting to begging, pleading and groveling will help. It doesn’t matter. It’s too much too soon),
and try again to find out what’s going on. What is your advice?
(My advice is, your pursuit of this woman is over forever. Dating is like a game of tennis. You hit the ball over the net, meaning once you contact somebody, you’ve got to wait for them to contact you back and hit the ball back over. But obviously you’re not doing that.
The best thing you can do is to walk away and never look back. You need to get familiar with my book. You did good in the beginning by creating an opportunity for sex to happen, but where you fumbled the football was when you went from hanging out, having fun and hooking up to, “Hey let’s have a relationship. Let’s be exclusive with one another.”
The best advice is to do nothing. If you hear from her, invite her to your place to make dinner together, and if she won’t do that, withdraw the offer. Just follow the protocol that’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”
She needs to earn another chance with you, not the other way around, and you’re still in this mindset that you need to prove yourself to her and make her realize what an awesome dude you are. The best way to do that is to focus on yourself, your mission and your purpose, and get back out there in the dating game. You really need to clean up your game. Slow your roll. It’s getting you nowhere except rejected.)
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Women fall in love slowly over time. A woman needs time alone with her feelings in order for them to develop over time to the point that she is ready, willing, able and open to being in an exclusive relationship. When she is ready, she will bring it up. Men who don’t understand this usually try to use logic and reason to talk a woman into a commitment and lock her down. When a man does this before she is ready, it often ends in being friend-zoned, ghosted or getting explanations that make no sense whatsoever to him.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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