What you should do and what it means when she says you’re a great guy, but she’s not feeling it.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who was dating a woman he really liked, but he made so many mistakes that he ruined the chemistry and attraction and got dumped. She sent him a text a lot of guys get who act unattractive too often, that he was a great guy, but she wasn’t feeling the romantic vibe.
He asks what he can do, if anything, to turn it around. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This is what happens when you display a lot of unattractive behavior, in other words, the opposite of masculinity. You have to act like a man consistently. You want to be the type of guy that a woman would be excited to follow your lead and be your greatest teammate and cheerleader and fan. But if you start treating her like a celebrity, then she’s going to start treating you like a fan. And that’s basically what started happening here.
I met Jessica on Tinder. We matched but she messaged me first.
Typically, when women message you on an app, it’s because they like you.
She was definitely more forward and flirty when we chatted. I left my phone number for her the first night. We chatted on the app for a few days before she started texting me. We texted every day for another week before we were able to meet up on a Tuesday night.
So, obviously, those of you who have read “How To Be A 3% Man,” he spent a week texting her every day. It’s too much. And from her initial texting, you could tell that she had a high interest in him, and so that’s why he was able to get away with making all of these mistakes initially and texting every day.
What happens is, when you meet somebody and you spend all this time chit-chatting on the apps instead of just getting to the point and making a date, you literally start talking her out of liking you. And you’ll see a lot of women, even on the dating apps, right in their profile, they complain that they’re not there to talk or to chat. They want to meet people. And a lot of guys do that. They just dither, and they hesitate, and they run around in circles chasing their tail and don’t really get to the point.
We hung out for a couple hours talking, laughing, and having drinks.
And the other thing is, when you start out texting that much and then later on you start to back off, it’s going to cause problems, because now you’ve set her expectations so high that you’re going to be available 24/7.
I did a video with the girls recently where we discussed this. It was inspired by the book, “Why Men Love Bitches,” and a common complaint with women is, why are guys so romantic at first and then they change? The issue is guys make the effort in the beginning, and then once they think they’ve got her locked down, they back off, they stop dating, they stop courting her properly, and eventually they leave.
But in this particular case, this guy is talking and texting so much and being so available, instead of focusing on his mission and purpose and her trying to get his attention, that he’s now basically moving towards becoming her digital pen pal, a guy that doesn’t really have his mission and purpose in order. So, in other words, he starts making this woman, that he literally hasn’t even met yet in person, the center of his life, instead of his mission and purpose being the center of his life and extending the invitation for her to accompany him on that journey.
In my eyes, the first awkward meeting was over, but I had no real indication of how it went until I walked her to her car. She hugged me and thanked me for drinks and meeting her, then started kissing me. We made out for about 5 minutes. The next Tuesday we did the same thing with the same ending. We texted every day but not non-stop. It was only here and there throughout the day because her job can be busy and stressful.
Well, you should be busy with your mission, your purpose in life.
I would also give her time after work for her kids. If she was busy with her friends or kids, I simply said to text me when she’s not busy. As much as I wanted to text her, I laid back and gave her space. She would always text me at some point before bed. So, for the 3rd “date” we met some friends of mine at a Jason Bonham Led Zeppelin show.
So, now he’s doing group dates for the third date. Again, he’s literally doing the opposite of what “How To Be A 3% Man” teaches. You guys that are familiar with “How To Be A 3% Man” already know what’s going to happen. This woman is going to go from really super into him, to becoming really super bored and going, “Oh, I’m not feeling it.” I did a video recently called, “Why Group Dates Are A Bad Idea.”
She seemed to have a great time, singing all the songs. We had drinks, held hands, and kissed quite frequently throughout the show.
So, they’re basically acting like boyfriend-girlfriend. Not that there’s anything wrong with the affection there, if she’s initiating and she’s extra close, but it’s a third date and she’s already hanging out with her friends like they’re boyfriend-girlfriend. It’s too much, too soon, and eventually the woman starts getting overwhelmed and thinking, “He’s way more into me than I am into him.” And eventually, when she realizes that, that’s why she’ll start backing away.
Afterwards, we went back to her house. She invited me into the house, then her room, and had sex for the first time. That was after about a month of talking every day and about 2 1/2 weeks from our first meet.
Again, you’re doing the opposite of what the book teaches, but I’m assuming that he’s relatively new to my work.
I thought things were going good. We met that following Tuesday at our usual place and made out for a while when we split.
Well, as I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun, to hook up. It doesn’t sound like he’s arranging or thinking ahead of time about the logistics of sex, especially going out on group dates. He’s out on a group date on a third date, he hasn’t even had sex with her yet, and yet he’s treating her like a girlfriend. So, you end up basically cock-blocking yourself.
If you’ve read “How To Be A 3% Man,” these are a lot of the things that I used to do when I didn’t know any better. I was like, “Hey, we just have chemistry.” And what happens is the woman starts backing away and the guy starts wondering, “Why doesn’t she feel like she did a few days ago or last week?” Or “Why is she a little colder, when last time we were together she was all over me?”
So, in other words, when spending time together she, as a woman, is going to come to recognize that her emotions are not in the same place as the guy’s. And then when she recognizes that, that’s when she starts to back away and, typically, most guys start trying to smother them.
At this point, it seemed like texts were getting a little less some days. Then she had plans with work people on that Tuesday, so we made plans for the weekend. That Thursday she asked about my band, we have a show coming up on Dec. 4th that she was planning to come with me to. She said she can’t wait to see it.
Well, you always look at what a woman does, not what she says.
So, we get to Saturday and we went to another bar for some food and drinks, and she even asked if I minded if her friend and bf meet us. I said cool, hoping she was letting me into the circle a little bit more.
Hoping… “hoping she’d let me in.” Does that sound masculine? Does that sound like he’s the leader and she’s following his lead? Or does that sound like a guy who’s following her lead?
We all talked and laughed, and it seemed to go well. She wanted to go straight back to her house and hang out in the hot tub, which we did. She even pulled a bottle of Fireball off the fridge that she said she bought for me.
Yeah, I’m not a big fan of that stuff. But it is interesting, because I did grow up with fireballs when I was a kid. Those are great. But the liquor, it’s kind of gnarly.
We spent a couple hours hanging in the hot tub, talking, laughing, and listening to music. I was rubbing her legs and she leaned over and started kissing me. She rolled over on me and we started having sex, which to me, was some of the most intense sex I’ve ever had.
It looks like this guy’s getting pretty hypnotized by her. In other words, he can’t handle it. Like that 38 Special song, “Hold On Loosely.”
We finally went inside, and as I getting ready to leave, she wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me slow and deep and told me to text her when I got home. She actually texted me before I got home. I let her know when I was home, and she said good and thanks for dinner and hanging out and a heart. I responded that she was welcome and that I really like hanging out with her. The next day, I knew she had a lot to do so I waited until about noon to text her.
She didn’t respond until around 4:30.
So, you notice that she’s starting to back off – too much, too soon, treating her like a girlfriend and they’ve only been out on a handful of dates.
It was the “I think you’re a great guy…” text. She said she wasn’t feeling the romantic vibe and she felt she should by now.
There you have it. They’re doing everything like boyfriend-girlfriend, but she’s “not feeling it.” In other words, her emotions are not engaged, because he did too much, too soon, and he obviously communicated that he was way more into her than she was into him. And so, she’s kind of just going along with it. This is part of the problem. As I talk about in, “It’s All in the Numbers,” the interest level table from my a chapter in my book – that’s what you start to see. That she’s there, and this particular guy can’t tell that she’s not feeling it.
She apologized and said “please don’t hate me.” In another text, she said she just wasn’t feeling it and she should by now. In 6 weeks? You always say it’s 2-3 months.
So, this guy’s familiar with my work apparently, to some degree. And he’s doing all of this stuff that’s the exact opposite of what I teach, and yet he’s surprised that this is happening to him.
We had talked every day for about 6-7 weeks.
That’s the problem. That’s the opposite. The phone is for setting dates, bro, not getting to know somebody, and you violated that.
We physically hung out 5 times, twice leading to sex. Maybe I’m ignorant to this stuff, but she kissed me first.
He’s seeing what he wants to see. He doesn’t want to admit that he literally chased her out of his life.
She invited me in for sex.
Hey, girls like sex too. The important thing is, what is the woman feeling? He was way over-pursuing, talking and texting all throughout the day for six or seven weeks. She had super high interest in him, and he talked her out of it. He just assumed because she was with him that she felt the same way.
I’m not sure what she means by romantic vibe.
It means you pursued too much. You talked and texted too much instead of spending time together in person. Just imagine over those six to seven weeks, if you’d let her do 100% of the pursuing and then you were the one to slowly respond, and you were the one going slightly slower than she was.
While she wasn’t super affectionate or touchy, we did kiss a lot.
And so, that tells me he was probably touching her too much and not recognizing that she wasn’t ready to be touched. He came off as needy, and clingy and over-pursuing.
And I wouldn’t kiss or fuck someone unless I had some sort of attraction to them.
It’s not that she wasn’t attracted to you. She really liked you, but what was missing was what she felt. And she didn’t feel strong attraction, because you made her the center of your life. You treated her like a celebrity, and she treated you like a fan.
I always let her do the talking, and I chimed in when it was relatable or had something to share. But I’m just confused as fuck.
That’s why I say read the book 10 to 15 times. You may have read the book, but you did the opposite of what it teaches, so you shouldn’t be surprised at all. This is as predictable as the Sun coming up in the East and setting in the West.
I do like her a lot and I miss talking to her. Now, I did fuck up pretty major a couple hours after her “break up.”
You weren’t in a relationship, dude. That’s the other thing, you were thinking she was your girlfriend. And you treated her like a girlfriend, even though you just hooked up twice, bro.
I pounded a couple drinks and a friend’s wife gave me terrible advice, which of course I followed.
Again, doing the opposite of what the book teaches.
She said I never told her how I felt, and I should text her once more.
It’s like, women give that same shitty advice so much. Because she’s thinking like a woman. “Oh, maybe she didn’t feel something.”
Like a weak asshole, I did… a nice long one. She didn’t respond – no surprise. Before I went to bed, I sent her another text just saying it was weird not saying goodnight to her. I know, I was grasping for air here.
Yeah, Elvis had left the building, dude.
She did respond the next morning, again saying sorry. I went a couple days with anxiety driving me crazy. I texted her “Happy Thanksgiving” later on Thursday night. She did eventually respond the next day.
Again, he’s just completely ignoring all evidence to the contrary that her interest is not as high as his, but yet he can’t help it.
I did not reply. I have thought about texting her to address the long message, to kinda downplay it.
Now, he’s continuing to try to rationalize pursuing her when he’s literally chased this girl, that had super high interest, right out of his life. Now, he’s trying to beat the horse into hamburger meat.
I thought about asking for some more time or a couple more dates.
“Please spend time with me! Stella!” Dude, come on, man.
I thought about asking her if she’d still come to my show next weekend.
Anything to try to get her to spend time with him, “Please spend time with me, please pay attention to me.” Does that sound like a guy who believes he comes to the table and offers her just as much as she offers him? Of course not. He’s treating her like a celebrity.
I know the proper thing to do is walk away. Letting go is difficult for me.
Well, if you want to get her to the point where she blocks you or gets a restraining order against you, then by all means keep pursuing her dude.
But I know if she thinks about me, she knows how to find me. Corey, honestly, this really has me fucked up. I know I put too much hope into this, far too soon. I know a lot of my mistakes. I know I’ll get through it. I do have anxiety issues.
Yeah, don’t turn your girl into your mommy or your therapist because you didn’t get enough strokes as a kid. It doesn’t work, because you’re displaying the opposite of masculinity. You’re like a little boy that needs, “Oh, you’re a good little boy. You’re a good little boy!” It’s unattractive, it doesn’t work.
But I believe there’s also some abandonment/attachment issues as well.
Well, maybe you should get a therapist to help you with that. Don’t turn your girl into your mommy or your therapist, which is basically what happened.
That being said, it’s been years since I have felt like this about a woman.
Well, this is going to really sting. These kinds of events are what led me to change my approach. And you need to change your approach, because you read the book, but you did the opposite, so you shouldn’t be shocked at all. This is so predictable that this happened. And you did it. You have to take ownership of it. I know it sucks, I know it hurts, I know it ain’t fun, but you literally chased this girl out of your life, and you did the opposite of everything I teach.
What can I do to find this romantic vibe?
You don’t find this romantic vibe. You have to let women come to you at their pace, and you did the opposite. You were needy, you were insecure, you over-pursued, and you constantly sought her attention and validation. This is the opposite of what men do.
Do you think she’s just gone?
Probably. I doubt she’s going to come back. She may, but I promise you, if you keep texting her, you’ll either be permanently stuck in friend zone, or she’ll block you, or get a restraining order against you if you don’t stop. You’ve got to knock that shit off.
I seriously wish I could afford an actual session with you, because I think it would be beneficial.
I’m going to tell you the same thing that’s in the book. And the reality is you need to be focusing on learning what’s in the book and applying it, because again, you’re doing the opposite. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue.
In the meantime, I will continue reading your stuff and watching the videos. I just wish I had some fucking answers.
Thanks in advance,
Dude, the answers are right here. You are purposely ignoring and pretending as if you did nothing wrong, or it wasn’t you that pushed her away, when it was 100% you. This girl really super liked you, and you literally chased her out of your life.
You should be following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” at this point in time, be reading the book 10 to 15 times, and get out there and start dating other women. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but it’s what you need to do. Lick your wounds, get back up on the horse, get out there and play ball and actually apply what my book teaches. Because if you apply what it teaches, it’ll work for you. And your email is a perfect textbook case of what not to do if you want to attract a woman with high interest to you.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“Women are naturally attracted to men who display masculine characteristics of dominance and confidence. Dominance doesn’t mean being controlling or being a jerk, but simply displaying leadership qualities. A man who knows what he wants, why he wants it and goes after it with the positive expectation that eventually, with enough time, he can make his vision a reality. Women are turned off by guys who display a lack of leadership, masculinity, confidence and discipline.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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