If She Doesn’t Feel Safe Around Your Family & Friends She Will Dump You

Why a woman will dump you if she doesn’t feel safe around your family & friends.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer going through a breakup who is lazy and doesn’t keep his word. He allowed his family to abuse and be rude to his girlfriend. He promised to fix and change this, but never did. She dumped him and they’re in no-contact.

She’s trying to friend-zone him and he’s trying to rekindle their romance. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who I did an email newsletter for him a while back titled Why The Reason She Gave You For Dumping Isn’t The Real One. So his big problem is that he’s lazy, he doesn’t keep his word, he’s not been a very good student, obviously, and he’s allowed his family, especially his sister, just to be rude and abusive towards his girlfriend. He didn’t do anything to defend her, didn’t do anything to stand up for her, even though he promised that he would. Eventually, I mean, you do this enough, your woman’s just not going to feel safe because if you don’t have the guts to stand up to your family, your friends, people that are around you or in your inner circle, if they don’t like your girl or they’re abusive towards her, then the legs are going to close. She’s not going to feel safe because if you won’t protect her from your family, how are you going to protect her if you guys are ever in real danger? She’s just not going to feel safe with you. If a woman doesn’t feel safe, the legs are going to close.

So now he went in no-contact, but she’s trying to friend-zone him. He wants romance, but I can just tell through his email he’s just really not taking this seriously. He’s not reading the book because again, he’s lazy. Most people tend to major in minor things and that’s what this guy’s doing. So he’s just trying to half-ass it and look for the lazy man’s way to re-attract his ex without really doing anything, without really making the changes or implementing the changes that he knows he needs to make that he’s promised his ex that he will make, but he just still doesn’t do it. You have to participate in your own rescue. Nobody’s coming to save you or to fix you. You have to do that yourself.

As Jim Rohn used to say, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me,” and this guy is clearly not doing that. So if he doesn’t change his approach, he’s 100% guaranteed to lose his girl forever. So maybe the pain of that rejection and losing her for being lazy, maybe he’ll resolve to do something to change it, or maybe it’s going to take two or three more breakups and getting dumped for the same reason and eventually he gets to a point where he’s just sick of the same thing happening over and over, because if he doesn’t fix it with this girl, he’s going to have exactly the same problem with the next one. As a man, you can’t constantly promise your woman something and then not follow through. She’s just not going to trust your masculine core if you’re supposed to be the leader in the household, the man of the house, and yet you constantly abdicate that responsibility. How are you going to take care of her? How are you going to take care of kids? How are you going to run a household? How are you going to hold down a stable job? Women are just not going to feel safe being with you.

So this is something that is really a non-negotiable with women. If you want a woman to stay with you, respect you and love you, if a woman doesn’t respect you, she can’t love you. If you allow the people in your life to abuse your girl, in essence, what you’ll do is you’ll allow the people in your inner circle to chase your girl out of your life. So you just cannot do this, but this is a pretty common thing. Common problem. Doesn’t matter whether guy’s 25 or 55, I see men of all ages doing the same damn thing. They just don’t stand up for their girl. They let people walk all over them. They’re too afraid, too timid to stand up for themselves, stand up for their woman, and bad things happen as a result.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

This is my second email since the one I sent a couple of weeks ago, Why The Reason She Gave You For Dumping Isn’t The Real One. Many things happened…

I was in a one-and-a-half-year relationship with my girlfriend (Her first real love and first sexual partner). The relationship was deeply emotional and intense, but over the past months there were recurring patterns of emotional distance, insecurity, and conflict — Mostly triggered by my lack of assertiveness and boundaries regarding my family’s attitude toward her.

Yeah, that shit’s just not gonna fly, dude. You cannot allow that to happen. Unless, of course, you want to be single, because that’s a really quick way to become single, is to allow your family to gang up on your woman. That’s just got to be the one of the weakest and most pathetic things that you can do as a man, is to not defend your girl.

My family (Especially my sister and sometimes my mother) didn’t fully accept her, and I was conflict-avoidant — I didn’t protect her enough, didn’t confront my family decisively, and repeatedly promised I would “change soon” without following through.

Well again, women are just not going to stick around if you continually behave that way. So it’s a non-starter, dude. This is a minimum level of competency that a man must display if he wants a woman to stick around.

She felt unprotected and emotionally alone in the relationship. She broke up with me, maybe as a test…

No, because women don’t mean that they’re not in love with and they don’t respect.

…Because three days later she wrote to me that we should exchange our stuff, but that meeting was well handled by me, I stayed calm and she came up with, “Let’s give it another try.”

Well, women care about how they feel. What happens is they break up with you and then three or four days go by, especially if you don’t talk for a day or two, they really start to think about what they’ve done, the consequences of their actions, and they get to experience what life is like without you. Especially this is her first relationship, first intimate partner, she’s going to be pretty heavily emotionally bonded to you. So it’s understandable that she’s going to doubt herself, her emotions, and feelings are going to be all over the place because she obviously cares for you, but you’re not holding up your end of the bargain. You’re not doing what you need to do as a man. So it’s like you’re acting like a little boy and that’s just not going to fly, dude.

Things went on the same as before…

In other words, he didn’t change at all.

A few weeks before the real breakup, she gave me a very loving gift and wrote notes of appreciation. But the following week her affection shifted. We had a serious talk in which she cried and said she loved me — But also expressed emotional exhaustion. Then a week of distance followed: Slow responses, flat emotional energy.

I don’t think this guy has ever read 3% Man. Again, he’s just lazy. Maybe he’s cherry-picking videos, probably thinking that’s just going to magically fix everything. He doesn’t have a fucking clue what he’s doing.

Finally, we met for the breakup. I gave a heartfelt speech…

“I like to thank the Academy. I’d like to thank my family.” Like, what?

…Where I explained that I had realized I had always been conflict avoidant in life (Not just in the relationship) and that I already took real steps.

Well, at the end of the day, at this point, the only reason you’re really saying this is because she’s leaving and dumping you. It’s like when I read about Gisele dumping Tom, he went back home trying to save his relationship, but by that point, she was already hooking up with the new guy, the jiu-jitsu guy. He’s promising a change, which he’d done many times before and just never did. At the end of the day, eventually all women are going to tap out.

I set boundaries with my mother, spoke with my father, and started addressing the dynamic with my sister. I communicated that I’m actively maturing and taking responsibility.

Well, just because you go have a conversation with your dad, your mom or your sister, doesn’t make it all better because especially your mom and your sister, they probably don’t respect you either, and they don’t really believe what you say. They’ll probably just keep nagging you and doing what they’re doing before because they have a lifetime of you being soft and squishy and that they can just walk all over you and treat you like a doormat because you’re not assertive enough.

So sometimes you have to fight a battle more than once to win it. So just because you had a conversation doesn’t solve it. If you have a conversation and things are good for a few weeks and then it starts all over, if you just sit there with your thumb up your butt and you allow them to berate her, again she’s just going to think you’re totally full of shit, and quite frankly, you deserve to get dumped because it’s your job to make her feel safe. You’re supposed to be the man. You’re supposed to be the protector. If you do one thing and you say another, they’re not going to believe anything you say.

But she said that while she saw my efforts and respected them, her love for me had already faded…

Remember, all women care about is how they feel about you. Doesn’t care about what a great guy you are or your efforts. What they most focus on is their feelings, which are severely diminished at this point.

…Due to accumulated emotional stress — That her feelings shifted from love into questioning and frustration. She said she genuinely believes there might be more compatible partners for both of us.

Well again, you guys have been together long enough for her to get a good sample size of the way you’re like, and the only time you really seem like you’re going to do anything about it is when she’s leaving you. So women are always like, “Well, what about all those other times, those months and years where you promised to change and you didn’t? You’re doing the same thing that you did before.” “Oh, I talked to my parents. I talked to my mother. I talked to my sister.” Yeah, you had a conversation, but if you allow them a few weeks later to go right back to it and you don’t speak up, again your girl’s just not going to trust you.

She emphasized that I am one of the most important people in her life and that she never wanted to hurt me. We hugged, both of us cried, and we agreed on a no-contact period of about one month, with a plan to meet after Christmas and, “See how it feels then.”

All this “we,” this is basically what she’s deciding. Women understand that time and space away, because what’s going on here? The reason why she wants space is she wants to see if her feelings return, because what really matters is how she feels about you, and right now, she doesn’t feel good about you at all. She doesn’t feel attracted to you, she doesn’t respect you, and she’s just over it. In the moment, she doesn’t think that’s going to change, but she’s willing to see how she feels in a month.

So it has nothing to do with you and your feelings. This has everything to do with her feelings. Again, this is just part of your super passive personality and going along with things when in reality all this is about how your girl feels about you.

Two days after the breakup, she messaged me a long emotional text, expressing that the decision cost her many tears, that I was one of the most important people in her life, and that she hopes she doesn’t have to “erase me forever,” just because her current feelings are not strong enough for a relationship.

In other words, “How about some blue balls and some friendship? I’d like to hold on to you while I go explore dating and sleeping with other men. If I can’t find anybody better, I may return to you. So please sit in the corner with your thumb up your butt and wait for me to decide what I want to do with my life.” That’s basically what she’s saying. Any self-respecting man is going to be like, “No, that dog won’t hunt. If you’re not willing to make the effort, I prefer you move on with your life, and I’ll move on with mine. I can’t move on if you’re constantly calling and texting, trying to be my pal or my buddy. I have enough friends. I’m not interested in being platonic friends with you.”

I responded respectfully, telling her I need time to heal, and that when we meet again, we can see how it feels.

Which in that case, that’s the right response. That’s out of 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Again, what it looks like is you’re just kind of cherry-picking videos, 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, but you haven’t taken reading the book seriously.

Right now it has been about eight, nine days of no-contact. I am actively working on self-improvement: Gym, journaling, social life, building projects, developing emotional resilience.

I want to reconnect with her in a healthy masculine way, but I don’t want to cling or chase. Ultimately, I want to understand if there is a path to re-attract her and rebuild romantic polarity rather than slipping into the friend zone.

Bob

Bro, you got to read the book. I mean, seriously, like the fact that you ask a question like that, it’s like you haven’t read the book, you don’t know what you’re doing. So again, if you’re not going to read the book, I can 100% guarantee you will lose this woman forever. If you’re OK with that, then just keep half-assing it and being lazy, and eventually you’ll see her with another guy and she’ll probably be really happy with him and think about how that’ll make you feel.

So again, this will repeat itself over and over with every woman you date until you overcome this. If you don’t, you’re going to be continually get dumped for exactly the same reasons by every woman, because you’re too passive, too soft, and too weak to act like a man. No woman’s going to stay with you because they’re just not going to feel safe and you don’t act like a man consistently. That’s the bottom line. I know it’s harsh, but I’m not here to blow sunshine up your butt because, you know, somebody needs to shake you up, so you pull your head out of your butt and start taking this seriously because you’re setting yourself up for a lot of failure and a lot of future heartbreak if you don’t take care of this.

So at the end of the day, you should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. It’s not your job to re-attract her or get another chance with her. It’s her job to convince you why you should give her another chance. Again, that’s all laid out in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. I don’t know if you’re familiar with it or not, but I mean, just the fact that you write these things doesn’t sound like you are familiar with what the book teaches. You’re just a cherry-picker because again, you’re lazy, you major in minor things, and you’re just trying to half-ass it. The same low standards that you brought to your relationship, you’re bringing to working on yourself, and the level of effort is it’s not sufficient. You’re not going to be able to turn things around if you don’t take this seriously and you don’t take learning the book seriously, because since the first video newsletter I did, I don’t see anything changing in your behavior here. You just threw a word salad at her and promised to change, which is what you’ve always done, but at the end of the day, what have you actually done action-wise for her to believe that you’re actually serious, I don’t see it.

So what you need to do is nothing. Your pursuit of her is over forever. She has to do all the calling, all the texting, all the reaching out. Once she reaches out in a few weeks, invite her over to make dinner at your place, hang out, have fun and hook up. Pretty simple. That’s your job, as the book says, is to create the opportunity for sex to happen. Again, with what you’re writing here, I can tell you haven’t read it. Even if you did, you just thumb through it and you didn’t take it seriously. That’s just not going to get it done, dude. It’s not a good enough effort, but it’s your life. If you want to be like this, that’s all on you. Life requires your participation, and you got to participate in your own rescue because nobody’s going to fix you.

So again, she reaches out, hang out, have fun and hook up. If she tries to friend-zone, you say, “I’m down for friends with benefits, but I’m not going to strictly do platonic friendship.” If she’s adamant about, “Well, that’s all I can offer you,” then say, “I don’t want to hear from you unless that changes. That way, I can heal, you can heal, I can move on and meet the right person, and you can meet the right person for you. I’m not going to be your buddy, your pal or your friend. I’m not going to hang out and back up position while you go date and sleep with other guys and hold on to me in case you can’t find anybody else. I’m just not going to do that. If you want me, make the effort to make it work. If not, I prefer that you let me go and I can move on and you can do the same, but I’m not going to be your pal, your buddy or your friend ever. So stop asking me to do that.” Hang out, have fun and hook up, dude. It’s a pretty simple thing to fix. Again, you got to fill in your knowledge gap because you’re doing and saying a lot of things with your girl that’s turning her off and drying her up, and you have absolutely no clue that you’re doing it. So you got to do better, man.

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