Is There Ever A Circumstance Where You Break No Contact?

Why there’s never a circumstance or reason to break no contact after you got dumped.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer in the UK who has been a student of my work for 10 years. He’s read the book 10 times and spent the last 4 years with his dream girl. However, he got dumped recently and says that he deserved it. He got lazy and complacent and stopped dating and courting her and making her feel heard and understood. She also got deported back to Portugal while her visa issues are worked out.

She says he must fight for her since he neglected her for so long. However, she wanted him to cut his trip to Portugal short and go back home to the UK and is making no effort to try to work things out. He wonders if he should break no contact since he caused the breakup and she wants him to fight for her. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This is probably the second email I’ve done this week where there’s kind of a weird wrinkle going on with a guy that got dumped by his girl. In this particular one, this is from a dude that’s in the UK, he said he’s been a student of my work for ten years, he’s read 3% Man about ten times, and the last four years he’s been with his dream girl. But he recently got dumped and he says it was all his fault.

What he said, pretty much like 100%, 99.999% of the guys I talked to that have gotten dumped, or served divorce papers, or friend zoned, or whatever it happens to be, they got dumped when they didn’t want to be dumped, typically, in most cases, (assuming it’s a normal girl), because they just displayed too much unattractive behavior for too long. And so, this particular guy, he got lazy, he got complacent, and he totally stopped dating and courting his girlfriend. And on top of that, he never made her feel heard and understood.

She broke it off, and to throw a wrinkle in there, because she’s originally from Portugal, her visa ran out or she had visa problems, and she got deported back to Portugal right after they broke up. So, if you’re trying to re-attract somebody and now they’re out of the country, that throws an interesting wrinkle into it.

And so, he goes and he sees her, and he’s apologetic, and she just says, “You’ve got to fight for me.” This is something you see women say in movies, “You’ve got to fight for me!” She’s saying something that sounds legit, but on top of that, she’s unwilling to work anything out. He was there for a week or so, and he wanted to extend his trip, and she didn’t want him to. She’s not doing anything to try to fix the relationship, but yet he’s got a “fight for her.” And so, it’s confusing him.

He’s thinking, “I got dumped because I wasn’t dating and courting her properly. And she says, I’ve got to fight for her, but when I’m in Portugal, she’s like, ‘you should go home.'” So, it’s obvious she’s not willing to make any effort to make the relationship work or reconcile. In this case, he’s thinking, “Do I break no contact? She’s telling me I’ve got to fight for her.” She’s giving him advice on how to win her back, yet she’s continually pushing him away.

You’ve got to remember, you never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you. The only way you can repair a relationship that went sideways or a breakup is it requires the participation of both parties. You can’t do it all on your own. You can’t want to get back with her and fix the things that you screwed up if she’s unwilling to make any effort or give the opportunity to even do that.

Viewer’s Email:

Hello Corey,

I’ve got a lot to thank you for, sir. I’ve been a student for 10 years, have made a great life for myself, and spent the last 4 years with a dream girl. And, of course, I have read the book 10-15 times.

My girlfriend recently broke up with me, and I deserve it. Over the past year, I’ve taken her for granted and become complacent. I’ve been busy, and I’ve hurt her deeply by neglecting her.

Well, there’s a chapter in the book that says, “The Courtship Never Ends.” And if you don’t date and court your wife or your girlfriend, eventually some other guy will, as he found out. The book’s great if you read it 10 to 15 times, but then you if don’t follow it or you ignore it, or in his case, he got busy and complacent, life got in the way, if you will. And he prioritized other things over continuing the courtship, she complained about it long enough, and eventually he just didn’t do anything about it. And eventually, she had enough.

This had been going on for a while, (I was always planning to court her more, but I just got lazy).

He’s like, “Yeah, yeah, in the future, when I can get around to it. Yeah, I’ve got to join the gym tomorrow. Yeah, I’m going to plan a trip for us.” Something always gets in the way. Because, oftentimes, the guy just doesn’t think she’s serious when she says she’s going to leave. He’s like, “Oh, we live together. We’ve got a 30-year mortgage. She ain’t going anywhere.”

But it was amplified at the turn of the year while dealing with a serious family emergency.

So, he’s got a family emergency on top of his already busy life. He’s not dating, courting her properly, and now he’s got a family emergency that’s taken even more of the time that he really doesn’t have. And this is what happens. As they say, life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. He’s making plans to court her properly, but now he’s got a family emergency to deal with.

Within days of the family news, my girl was also deported. She had moved countries for me 2 years prior. I have definitely not been behaving weak or needy, but I’ve failed to do the boyfriend type things that she craves.

Women want to be in a love story, and they know that if you love and you care about them, you’re going to date and court them. And if you don’t date and court them, it just means you don’t give a shit, because they look at your actions.

I was also uncaring while she went through the deportation, (which was huge deal for her), as my mother’s situation was all encompassing. When she said she wanted to break up, I said we should meet in person and arranged to meet in Portugal. She can’t come to the UK right now due to a visa situation. 

We hadn’t seen each other for 2 months, and I went with the James Bond attitude, expecting to smooth things over. It didn’t go quite so smoothly; a wall was up, and it took a good few days to get that wall down. When talking about the break, I made it clear that I did not want that, and I opened her up to get confirmation of what the issues were: lack of courtship and not listening enough, (you’re shocked, I know).

It’s like when I do phone sessions with guys, this is exactly what happens. They either stop dating and courting her, or they didn’t make her feel heard and understood. Typically, it’s both of those. And eventually, for the women, it goes on for so long, sometimes months and years of not feeling cared for, not dated not courted properly, and never taking the time to make her feel heard and understood.

By the end of the week, she was affectionate with me and said that she wanted to give me a chance to fight for her and hoped that her feelings would come back. I didn’t see any sign of manipulation here, more the idea that she doesn’t think I will change and doesn’t want to get hurt again.

Because it went on for a long time, she was constantly complaining about the same things, and he just kept putting her off, putting her off, putting her off. So, based on his actions, she doesn’t believe his words because, obviously, when they were together, he made a lot of promises that he didn’t keep. Women are not going to trust your masculine core if you’re constantly saying one thing and then not following through. Eventually, they just learn to recognize that you’re full of shit and you don’t mean what you say.

When I said that it takes two and we can work through this, she clarified that “I want YOU to fight for me” and right now she wanted a break. We had the option to extend the trip a few days longer, but she didn’t want to.

Well, “You say, “I want you to fight for me,” but you want a break. We can’t fix this if you’re not going to participate. It’s like, you want me to fight for you, I’m here. I flew over here, but yet you’re still telling me you want space. So, when you say you want space, what you say you want is totally in conflict with what you’re doing. You say you want me to fight for you, but you won’t allow me to do that, because you want space. So, those two things cannot work together.”

“If we’re going to make this work, it means you’ve got to make an effort. And right now, you telling me that you want space is also you telling me you’re making zero effort for us to reconcile. And so, if you’re making zero effort for us to reconcile all that crap about me fighting for you, it doesn’t mean anything. It’s. It’s a platitude you heard in a movie. I mean, that’s the bottom line. We can’t work anything out If you want space.”

When a woman says she wants space, you’ve got to give it to her, because she’s basically saying, “I’m going to push you away, so I can have time and space away with myself and away from you to process my feelings and understand them.” In other words, women instinctively know that it’s the absence that makes the heart grow fonder.

So, you showing up there and flying to Portugal shows you’re willing to fight for her, but you flew out there to fight for her, in essence, and she says, “I want space.” So, she doesn’t really want to work it out. And that’s part of making it clear to her, like, “You say you want me to fight for you, I’m here. And now, you’re telling me you want space and you want me to leave. So, I don’t care what you say, your actions are telling me you don’t want to work it out and you don’t want to give us a chance.”

And that’s fine, but that’s why you have to follow the principles that are in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” the article and video that I did years ago on this. Because part of what’s confusing this guy, he’s like, “Well, I didn’t date and court her. And so, going no contact and not calling or texting anything means I’m still not dating and courting her.” But you’ve tried to date her and court her, and she says no. So, what has to happen is you have to give her the space and you’ve got to let her be. And then when she reaches out, you assume she wants to see you and you make the next date.

She’s pushed you away. It’s just like the cat that takes off and runs away, and a few days later it comes back. When it comes back, that’s when you try to move the courtship forward. That’s her participating, when she actually reaches out to you. It’s super important to understand this. And I know you read the book and everything, but it would be behoove you to read it again and get really familiar with these concepts. This is why it’s confusing for a guy in this situation. “She says I’ve got to fight for her, but then she says she wants space.” You can’t fight for somebody or be present for them if they don’t want you around.

I know that she still loves me, but I also realize that her feelings have gone at the moment, a wall is up as she does not want to be hurt again. After 4 years, she blames herself too for not asking for more (boyfriend duties) from the beginning and she doesn’t think I will change now.

The reason she doesn’t think you will change is because she complained about it for a long time, and you just ignored her. And that’s part of making a woman feel heard and understood. You’ve got to communicate like adults. You can’t just become roommates and neglect her. That’s not going to work. It will always end in you getting dumped. Statistically, women 75% of the time are the ones that dip out.

Anyway, after hearing her reasons for breaking up. I’m not sure how “give me a call if you change your mind” helps when the problem is that I’ve been making her feel like I don’t care enough to get to this point.

Well, the point being is that you made the effort. You showed up, you flew to Portugal, or you took a train, or whatever it was, however you got there. You went to see her, to “fight for her,” if you will. You said, “I’m here,” and she says, “No, I want space.” You never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you.

To me, it’s pretty cut and dry. And I can understand a guy in this situation, first time going through it, his emotions are all over the place. Plus, he got lazy, he got complacent, he got way off the path. And the things that she says are contradictory and don’t make sense. This is just one more confirmation in the tens of thousands, however many it’s been over the years I’ve been doing this, that you don’t take dating advice from women. They don’t understand how attraction works. They don’t really even understand themselves. And so, that is why, as men, we have to understand how they actually operate, not how they tell us that they operate.

We embraced and kissed as I left her at the airport, and I said, “message me when you miss me,” to which she said, “it means you won’t call if I don’t.” 

Well, that’s exactly what it means. And if it was me and she was saying that, I’d be like, “Yeah, well, you said you wanted space, so I’m going to give you space. And when you’re tired of the space, reach out when you miss me, and then we can pick back up, we can move forward. Because right now, we’re not moving forward, because you refuse to move forward together as a couple. You want to do your own thing. You want to be a single girl. So, go be a single girl, and when you’re tired of it and you miss me, then reach out. And no, I’m not going to call you. You’re pushing me away. You said fight for you, I showed up, I’m here, but now you’re saying, get lost.”

And I said “I’m just going to give you space, text me when you miss me desperately,” in an cheeky relaxed way.

That’s the perfect response, so good job with that.

She has messaged since, but just to repeat, I had a great time thanks for everything, take care. Which I just replied similarly. I didn’t set up a date as was too soon for there to be no contact.

And at the end of the day, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” says if somebody is pushing you away, they’re saying, “No, no, no, I’m not going to allow you to work on things or to fix things, I need space,” then you have to give her the space that she says she wants, so she can be alone – so she can have time away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you. To think about the beautiful memories. To see the pictures on her phone and go through those of your good memories together.

So, you have to let her be until she contacts you, which she obviously was willing to do. Even though she just said, “Hey, I had a great time, I’m glad you came,” that was you fighting for her. And so, you have to understand that, so when you do talk in the future again, and she throws out that “fight for me” stuff, you’re just like, “I did. I came to Portugal, and then you told me to leave. You weren’t willing to work on it at the time, but I still want to see you.”

And, obviously, with the visa issue, you’re going to be the one traveling. Normally, under normal circumstances, she’d be coming to your house to make dinner in the evening, but you’re in different countries, Because, again, this is a weird wrinkle. She got deported, you’ve got all of these things going on. I mean, life is messy. You can see this is messy. This is what happens. It’s not going to be completely cut and dry and cookie cutter, like what’s in the book, and exactly what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”

This is why you have to understand the philosophy in the book. This is why you have to read the book 10 to 15 times. And even though this things went sideways for this guy, he’s done a good job of handling himself after the breakup, because he took the time to mostly learn the book, even though he stopped doing the fundamentals, which is on him and he admits, he takes total ownership. But you can’t fix anything unless the other person will participate with you. But I’m glad that he wrote in, because he’s looking for some confirmation that he’s on the right path.

Also, we will be in different countries for the next 2 months, so inviting her straight over to mine is impossible.

Yeah, you’re going to have to go see her next.

FYI, I am not worried about other guys she is the type of healthy women who will take time to heal first.

You got four years with her, so you got more leverage than any other dude that’s going to come into her life.

I also am in a position where I can confidently go out tomorrow and get a new chick, but I don’t want that. I planned to marry this chick, and I take full responsibility for my actions causing this. I know you will probably say that I’ll just do it again, but I was feeling the relationship with her I was just focused elsewhere.

Yeah. In this case, it’s not like you would settle for the girl. It’s that you got lazy and you allowed life to get in the way. You stopped being disciplined. In other words, things were going on in your life that made matters worse. And then you got the deportation wrinkle in it. It’s just a messy situation.

To summarize:

After I’ve opened her up and she’s told there’s still a wall up and doesn’t trust I won’t hurt her again, is no contact the right move?

Absolutely, it’s the right move, because she pushed you away. You can’t fix anything if she won’t let you. It requires two, and you reiterated that in person. And the bottom line is she reached out after you left anyway.

If she was here, I would go back to the 3 H’s, but that’s difficult with her being abroad. What do you suggest?

Just wait to hear from her. The next time you do, arrange a Skype or a FaceTime video date, catch up, and then make plans to get together again. It’s like, “Hey, I want to come see you,” and make a date. If she gives you, “Oh, I don’t know. I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” it’s like, “Of course it’s a good idea. You miss me terribly, obviously, you reached out. What’s your schedule like? I want to see you. I want to see your face. I want to kiss those beautiful lips again. And I want to ravish you completely, like I used to do.”

I don’t feel in a panicked state, I just don’t want to hurt her further, and I’m worried “give me a call if you change your mind” is a bit cold after my lack of attention has already pushed her away.

Well, the thing you’re ignoring is that she pushed you away. She wouldn’t give you the opportunity to work things out.

Thank you, brother, for all you do. You have helped me over the years more than you could know.

Bob

So, overall, this guy’s done a good job, but obviously he’s having doubts about himself, because of the wrinkle that she threw in, “Oh, you’ve got to fight for me.” Which, again, that’s some cheesy line from a chick movie that she’s probably seen way too many times over the course of her life. And so, now she throws it out there. What “fight for me” means is, in other words, “show me that you care.” If she were to say, “fight for me,” and you never left to go see her, that would show that you don’t care. But you got on a plane and you went to see her, so that showed you cared. That was you fighting for her.

And she says, “No, I want space.” I’d be like, “Okay, you want space? I’m out of here.” You never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you. So, whether you realize it or not, dude, you’ve done everything right. But like I said, more than likely, she reaches out again. Do a video date, and then make plans, book your ticket, and get on the next plane and go see her. Even if it’s just for 3 or 4 days, or a weekend, or whatever. Hang out, have fun, hook up.

And when you’re there, when you’re with her in person, make sure she’s doing 80 to 90% of the talking, and just listen. Don’t get butt-hurt, don’t argue. I would also review the article and video I did years ago, “How to Communicate with Women Effectively.” I’m sure you probably watched it before, but you will want to watch that just to brush up on it again.

But good job, dude. I mean, after the breakup, you’ve done everything pretty much textbook that I would do and, obviously, I’m giving you confirmation. But like he said, the thing that’s confusing in this is, “Hey, you’ve got to fight for me.” And he got pushed away, because he wasn’t dating and courting her, so it’s counterintuitive. He’s like, “How is going no contact going to help? She says ‘I want space.'” In other words, “I’m not willing to participate in any chance of reconciliation.”

You have to be man enough to be congruent with that, because the root cause of the issue here is you weren’t congruent with your words. She complained, and you probably promised to do something about it, and then never did. And it wasn’t until she was gone that you actually started caring and started making her feel heard and understood. So, you did the right thing, dude, whether you realized it or not.

So keep doing what you’re doing, stick with the plan, and don’t get confused or bamboozled by the things that she’s saying to you. This is why in a situation like this it’ss so critical, him going through the book 10 to 15 times really has helped him understand the philosophy. If he was a dude that half-assed it, and thumbed through the book, and went through it once or twice, 5, 10 years ago, this dude would have been flailing all over the place. But this guy took the time to learn the material. He was a good student early on.

It was just that last year and a half, because he allowed life to get in the way. And it happens to everybody. It’s just the degree to which you let life get in the way. And when she was complaining and telling him what was wrong, he didn’t do anything about it. And so, he would say one thing and then do another. In this case, she says “fight for me,” and he actually went and did that. He followed through with it. So, it’s important, if she tries to throw those things back in your face, that you point it out. And based on what you’ve shared so far, you’ve done a pretty good job of that. So, good job, dude.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.