Matching & Mirroring: Balancing The Nice Guy Vs. The Jerk Vibe

How to match and mirror a woman’s actions and balancing out the nice guy vs. the jerk vibe to create attraction.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss 3 different emails from 3 different viewers. The 1st email is from a guy who started seeing a girl from his gym, only to see it go sideways and her at the gym a few weeks later with another guy. The 2nd email is from a guy who realized he treated women he was trying to date like girlfriends, which always ended in him being friend zoned.

The 3rd email is from a guy who successfully re-attracted his ex a year ago, but she has been rude and disrespectful lately, which is the way she became before she tried friend zoning him a year ago. Now he wonders if he was being too much of a jerk lately as he was trying to match and mirror her actions. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.

First Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

There’s this girl at the gym I’ve had a crush on for 2 years now. She is physically everything I want in a girl. I asked her out a year and a half ago, and she told me she had a boyfriend. Despite that, over the next year, whenever I’d see her at the gym, we both constantly were checking each other out. A few months ago, I approached her again, had a great conversation and got her number. She told me wasn’t currently involved with anyone.

Nice. The boomerang date.

We went out for drinks at a nice spot and had nonstop conversation and laughter for 3 hours before ending up making out at our cars. I initially over-pursued as I tried to set a second date on the first one…

Come on, man.

…which she agreed to then cancelled a couple days later.

So, he’s too eager. What happens is you come off smothering when you behave this way, when you’re trying to set up the next date while you’re still on the first date. That’s typically because you’re afraid if you call her a few days later to try to get her to go out again, she won’t go out with you. It communicates a scarcity mindset on your part that you’re fearful, that you don’t feel worthy.

The number one, most important thing that women find attractive in men is confidence. And so, doing things like that gives off the vibe that you don’t have the confidence. Plus, women have been out with enough guys that are needy, that are smothering, that call too much, they try too hard, and it’s really easy to give off that same kind of vibe.

And women know, because this has happened to them enough, that guys who behave this way typically don’t go away easily, they’re kind of noisy. They kind of get upset, they create a little bit of drama. So, as soon as the guy starts to give off that same kind of vibe, they remember all of the unpleasant experiences they’ve had in in the past with the guys behave in the same way, and they’re turned off. And then what happens is they back away.

She ended up going on vacation to Europe for a couple weeks, then the hurricane happened here in Florida. (I lost my house, car, and job to this storm).

Damn, dude. That sucks. Sorry to hear that.

That whole time, no word from her. I saw her at the gym and we hugged and had a good conversation, and I told her we should hang out, which she agreed to with a smile. Yet later that week something came up and she couldn’t make it.

It’s important when a woman cancels, and this is in the book, if she cancels because something really came up, but she really wants to see you, she’ll bring up rescheduling. She’s like, “I can’t make it, but let’s reschedule.” But if she’s just like, “Oh, I can’t make it,” and gives you her excuse but doesn’t mention anything about rescheduling, then that’s not a good sign. It shows a lack of enthusiasm.

I saw her again at the gym after that, talked a bit, and we planned something for later in the week. We ended up going out that Friday. I picked her up at her place, we went out for drinks, mini golf, and made out in my car. She had an early flight the next morning to visit her sister, so we did not have sex. So, two dates in two-three months, despite feeling the intense attraction in person.

Well, you’re feeling the intense attraction. You’ve always got to look at the enthusiasm level. And when you come off as overeager and kind of needy right from the get go before you’ve even gone out, it just completely changes how she perceives you. Because you were kind of mysterious for the two years you were at the gym. You knew she had a boyfriend, and then at some point she broke up with him.

And so when you get together and you give off that smothering type of vibe, remember, as Thich Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” So, right away, that causes a woman to not feel free, like you’re going to smother her. Or you may become kind of stalkerish and not go away easily, don’t take no for an answer. And that’s the last thing a woman wants to deal with, a dude who just won’t take a hint. There’s a lot of them out there, because in the movies they tell you, just keep pursuing until you get a restraining order, basically.

The following week, I tried to set something up for that week, but it was the week of Thanksgiving and her whole family was in from out of town, so we did not get together.

What I notice is she’s not really trying to get together. When you see that, when you see a lack of enthusiasm, I’d wait a couple of weeks before reaching out again. Don’t just dogmatically reach out to her the very next week, because what you’re looking at is, “Oh, my family’s in town. Aw shucks, I’ve got no time for you.” But she doesn’t suggest, “Oh, but I really want to see you. How about next week?” It’s just kind of like, “Oh darn it, I’m just busy.” And so, what you should be looking at is the fact that she’s not making it easy to get together with her.

The following week, I drove to the gym hoping to see her and talk to her and plan something.

You’re totally in the mindset of seeking her attention and validation, dude.

But she was working out with another guy, the same guy she was with a month before I got her number.

She maybe got back together with an ex, so that could explain some of the weird, flakey behavior, where she’s hot one minute and then all of a sudden she seems to go cold. So, probably since that guy was involved, she probably got in touch with him because he didn’t give off the same vibe you did. Plus, she had probably more time with him.

She saw that I noticed, gave me a big smile, then kind of hid the rest of her workout.

I would have done nothing. I would have looked at it as “Okay. Well, she’s with another dude, and she hasn’t been accepting my invitations for a date, she just tells me how busy she is. So, it’s just that she’s busy with another guy, obviously.” So, you do nothing in that case. But this guy’s persistent, because he’s seen too many movies, instead of seeing reality as it is.

When she left the gym with him, she turned around to see if I was looking at her and I was.

You’re like a little puppy dog.

I reached out to her a few hours later and said, “I wanted to talk to you at gym when I saw you, but saw that you were with someone else, so I didn’t feel right about coming up to you.”

Why would you send that, dude? The phone is for setting dates. Why would you say something like that?

No response and it’s been a week.

There’s your response. That tells you everything you need to know. Never try to keep somebody in your life who doesn’t want to keep you in theirs. And that’s what you’ve been kind of ignoring throughout this.

I don’t understand. Despite my initial overpursuit, I don’t know if I did something wrong.

Well, the initial overpursuit was enough to give her a clear perception of what you were all about. Plus, there’s another guy in the picture, a guy that she probably had way more time in with, so she was more emotionally bonded to him. And things are obviously going well. That’s why she’s been busy all the time. And probably, the second time she went out with you is because she wasn’t sure things were going to go well with this other guy. That’s when she went out. And then, she went cold shortly after that, so you’ve got to assume it’s the other guy.

I would never text or call her again for any reason. She’s ignored you. And dating is like tennis. You hit the ball over the net, and you wait for her to hit it back. But it’s pretty obvious you’ve kind of pedestalized this girl and you’re chasing her, treating her like a celebrity. So, what happens? She treats you like a fan. So, this is not surprising. You can’t behave this way, dude, and expect to be successful. But he’s rationalizing his behavior, “I did everything right.”

I only text her to set up dates. I take my time to respond as she does as well.

Well, you don’t text something like, “I wanted to talk to you at the gym when I saw you…” (“I wanted to confront her.”) “…but saw that you were with someone else, so I didn’t feel right about coming up to you.” That sounds like a statement from a guy who’s going to make it weird and awkward and probably not go away. If you see the girl at the gym with another dude and she leaves with him, she’s probably seeing him. And the fact that she blew you off and canceled dates, it should click with you that it’s not being reciprocated. That’s where you’re going wrong here.

There’s obvious physical attraction when I’m with her, the dates are amazing, the kissing is passionate, yet she never ever reaches out or texts me. Does she have a boyfriend or something in the background?

Bob

Really? You’re asking me that? She was at the gym with the guy and she’s ignoring you. It’s like, “Oh, she must be seeing that guy.” I could have had a V8! So, this is why I say to read the book 10-15 times, dude. This is part of your problem. You don’t know the material. And this girl is doing obvious things to communicate somebody else has her attention. You even saw her with the guy, and yet you’re going, “I don’t understand why she’s not into me.” You never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you. You notice the effort that’s coming back, and you match and you mirror that.

In this case, what you did is like the guy that’s playing tennis. He hits the ball over the net, and the other person has to hit it back. And he goes and gets the automatic ball machine and turns it all the way up. He’s just launching balls at her and beaming her with them, and she goes running off the court. That’s basically what happened. It’s like chasing the kitty cat away. You don’t do that. If the cat’s bored and doesn’t want to play with you, go find another kitty cat to play with. It’s pretty simple.

Second Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach, 

I found your material online after messing up a recent dating experience. Not a direct question but something to share to the audience if you are interested. I met a girl recently through OLD [online dating]. I took over a week to respond after the first date, (I was caught up at a wedding party), and from there on she kept trying to extend the dates in a way I had never had before and kept asking me when we were going to meet again.

So, this is the difference between the first girl and this girl. This girl is really excited to see this guy. The first girl was like, “Ehh… do I like this guy? We kind of seen each other at the gym. I always notice him staring at me,” and she’s staring at him – completely different attitude, completely different amount of effort from her part. So, there is definitely enthusiasm from this girl. There was mediocre enthusiasm from the other girl, but there was another dude in the picture.

She was even blowing off plans with her friends every weekend to see me. 

That is definitely high attraction.

The interest came on stronger than all of the dates and past girlfriends I have had over the years, excluding my college girlfriend. She had said she didn’t think I was going to reach back out after I took over a week to respond from the first date, and she was really excited I had.

He waited a whole week, and she was still excited to hear from him. See the difference there? When the interest is high, it goes higher. When the interest is low, it’s just, “Eh.” You’re not going to get anywhere with, “Eh.” So, so far, so good.

I had been dating 2 other women but was far more interested in her than I had been anyone in a while, and her interest seemed so strong I dropped the other two, and by the 5th date was asking her about defining a relationship, (we already had a 6th planned that she wanted to go to). 

Keep in mind, this is all before he found my work.

Suddenly, things changed (seemingly) out of nowhere and I got the friendzone talk, which felt like it came out of nowhere at the time. 

Yeah, if you’re blowing off the other girls you’re dating and then trying to lock her down to a commitment on the fifth or sixth date… she’s not there yet. You’re just too nice. Too much chasing, too much overpursuing, too eager, too available.

She told me how she was so excited on those first few dates, (and we had made out on those), but how suddenly during those last two dates she was questioning her attraction for me.

Because, what happened? You started acting like a woman, trying to lock her down. You got in your feminine energy and your feelings. And then she’s like, “I don’t know.” Most women don’t understand what happened. They just know that their feelings aren’t there, they’re not the same.

I could tell, because it was like trying to kiss a brick wall on those two dates.

He’s trying to make out with a girl, she’s not reciprocating, and he’s wondering, “what the hell happened?”

She said she thought I was good looking, but the attraction just wasn’t there as she thought it was as we got to those later dates.

So, instead of attraction going up, it went down. The more he became invested in a relationship and acting like a girl, the more it ruined the sexual polarity and the more she got turned off.

It made no sense until I came across your videos. Man, this one specifically is like a play by play of the whole thing: “Never Treat Dates Like Girlfriends.”

And that’s his problem, he’s treating her like a girlfriend instead of a girl he’s just trying to get to know, who he’s trying to vet properly, trying to determine whether or not she’s good for him.

I just wanted to reach out, because it’s crazy that I’ve been dating for over a decade and made mistakes chasing off girls like this in the past and never understood what was going on until I watched that video.

Thanks for all your content. I am seeing so many reasons why things didn’t work with my ex-girlfriends after buying your book.

Regards, 

Bob

Lots of light bulb moments in there, so good job. Keep doing that. And you can see the guy’s with a girl that’s really into him, and then he turned her off. That was my experience in my late teenage years and up until about my mid-twenties. I’ll tell you what, that was a very, very, very frustrating time, because when you meet a girl that’s like this, that’s really super into you, and you don’t even really have to do anything, and then you see that evaporate and it happens very quickly, you’re like, “Ugh!” You don’t know what’s happening. And you even ask her and she can’t even explain it, because she doesn’t understand what’s going on.

But the good news is there’s this book, “3% Man.” You can read it for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the email newsletter. You can also read “Mastering Yourself “ there for free. Plus, my first quotes book is out, “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations, Volume I” and the second volume is out now, as well.

Third Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

I just want to start by saying you have changed my life. I was lost and had no direction when it came to my purpose, relationships and overall, on how to be a man. I’m a 28-year-old male and the female I’m dating is 27.

My situation is this. I’m in a casual dating relationship with my ex, who tried putting me in the friend zone last year. Well, without knowing, I did the right thing by saying I couldn’t be her friend and I could only see her as a lover. Well, we reconnected about 3 months after the breakup. The way it happened is she showed up at my place in the middle of the night randomly. I thought it was weird, but she told me, “You said your door was always open to me, so here I am.” We cuddled and had multiple rounds of the indoor Olympics.

The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. And she says, “Oh, I want you to be my friend and my backup plan, so I can go explore other men.” And he says, “No, I’m not down with that. But the door is always open if you change your mind.” And sure enough, three months later, “Hey!” That was a nice surprise.

Well, fast forward to now, just under a year later, I started noticing her attraction dropping off. She has become less enthusiastic to see me and has become disrespectful. (We have been hanging out a lot more lately than we usually do, so that’s probably why).

Well, probably because you’re becoming soft and compliant, and she has probably said things and disrespected you, and you let her get away with it without calling her out on it in a loving way. It’s not about being a dick. It’s just saying, “Hey, I don’t like the way you’re talking to me,” or “Hey, don’t talk to me like that. It’s not very loving. It’s not very sweet. I like it when you’re sweet to me.”

Or you can mock her. If she’s being nasty to you and you’re driving the car, you’re just like, “Oh God, I love it when you talk dirty to me. I love this tone of your voice. I love the condescension in your voice. My groin area is just tingling right now with thoughts of joy and ecstasy, as I release myself into you.” Whatever it is. The point being is that you use goofiness, silliness, ridiculousness to mock her in a loving, playful way, letting her know that her behavior is inappropriate and you noticed it was inappropriate. And instead of getting mad and butt-hurt and angry, you are looking at it as something to be fun and playful about, because love is playful and fun.

And then you could say, “Honey, you seem a little grumpy lately. What’s going on? Why are you snapping at me like that? What’s the matter? Obviously, something is bothering you. What’s going on?” You’ve got to learn to ask good quality questions. Because in this case, you’re in a relationship. This is not some girl you’re on a first or second date with. And you’ve been back together for a year.

The other thing you’ve got to consider is you probably got complacent, so you need to get back to the book. Things are going sideways. That’s what happens. You’re reverting back to your old behavior that got you friendzoned. And she’s losing respect because you’re acting too soft, probably because you’re letting her walk all over you. Again, don’t be mad, don’t get butt-hurt. You do it in a playful way. Tease her in a playful way when she’s kind of bitchy. And then just ask her, “What’s up? You’ve got kind of an attitude today. You seem kind of mad at me. What’s going on? You big mad?”

Luckily, I have read the book at least 11 times so far since finding your work and have a decent idea of how to react. The last time we hung out she started to critique my driving among other things…

It’s like, “Would you like to drive?”

…which she started doing before we broke up, the year prior. 

She’s picking at you. Women, when they’re unhappy, they’ll pick fights to cause a breakup – if they think you’re weak, or they’ve lost respect for you, or maybe you’ve gone sideways. Or maybe she doesn’t feel heard and understood, that’s why she’s cranky, and you’ve got to open her up. Because actually, deep down, she feels like you don’t care, so she’s big mad at you. And that’s why she picks at you.

When she started to critique my driving the last time we hung out, it pissed me off pretty good.

You can’t get that way, dude.

But that was just the tipping point because of the little disrespectful barbs and reactions she was having towards me the last few times I saw her prior.

This is part of the problem. She’s nasty to you, and then you just sit there and take it like a punching bag. That shows that you’re soft. Because a man who loves and values himself is going to recognize that, “Why is my girlfriend picking at me? Am I acting like a bitch right now? Is she mad at me? Did I not make her feel heard and understood? What’s going on?” Just say, “Babe, you seem a little cranky. What’s going on? You know, you’re kind of quiet, what’s up? What are you thinking, what you’re feeling?”

So, I just bit my tongue and let it go in the moment…

You can’t do that.

but have distanced myself from her.

That’s not going to help. You’re in a relationship. This is fine when you’ve gone on on a few dates, but not when you’ve been together for as long as you guys have. This is inappropriate.

Why would I want to be around someone who disrespected me and is not as enthusiastic to see me?

Well, you’re acting like a doormat. You’re letting your abuse you, and then you just put up with it. And so, just ignoring her is not the way to fix that. Ignoring the problems does not make them go away. She’s behaving this way, so you notice.

Anyway, since then, which was about a week ago, she has called me a couple times. The first time, she asked if I wanted to go to a concert with her and her friend, which I replied, “No thanks. It doesn’t really sound that fun to be honest, but thanks for the invite. I just don’t really like the band that is playing.” She was a little taken aback by that, judging her reaction.

You think? This is a little too much of the jerk.

The next day, she called again just to ask the name of a restaurant that we went to. She said, “I was  thinking of the name and thought of you, so I decided to call and ask.” I gave her the name and we talked briefly after that, but quickly ended the call.

Dude, that’s right out of the book. When a woman wants to see you or is thinking about you, she reaches out. And this is one of the things that women say all the time, it’s the same example. Women everywhere, globally, all say the same thing, “I was thinking of the name, and thought of you, so I decided to call and ask.” What she’s really calling to say is, “I want to see you. I miss you. I hope you miss me too.” And you’re like, “Ugh! I’m busy, woman Go away.”

Again, she seemed shocked, because I would usually ask to hang out or make plans whenever she reached out.

So, you’ve already got some distance between the two of you guys, and then instead of communicating with women effectively, you decide to give her the silent treatment. That’s passive aggressive behavior, “I’m going to punish you and make you suffer until you figure out that I’m mad at you.”

So, this most recent time she reached out, said she got a new phone. I unfortunately had a few drinks, so I responded, “Awesome! Why don’t you come over here and cuddle with me.” She said, “I don’t have the energy and my hair is all matted, but why don’t we get brunch and hang out tomorrow?” I responded with, “I can’t.” She asked why, so I simply said I have a dentist appointment and have many other things to do. To which she replied, “You’re going to the dentist all day tomorrow?” So, she obviously ignored that I said I have other things to do as well.

Women are pretty perceptive.

She then said, “Or are you just mad at me?” to which I simply replied, “No, I’m not mad at you. Just get your cute ass over here.” She never responded after that and didn’t show up.

Yeah, you’re kind of being an ass.

My question is, am I coming off as a jerk?

Yes.

Or am I doing the right thing?

No, you’re not. So, you give a girl a distance when she takes you for granted. But as soon as she reaches back out and tells you about some dude that she saw with a blue shirt in a movie, and it reminded her of the blue shirt that you have, something like that, which again, that’s an example right out of the book, that means, “I miss you, and I want to see you.” So, make a date. She tried making a date, and you’re like, “I’m busy!”

I’m just trying to match her effort and enthusiasm.

She’s reaching out, hoping you want to get together you’re like, “Ugh!” Come on, man. Love is playful and fun. Don’t be a dick to your girl. This is unnecessary. You’re just making things worse.

But it’s obvious that she knows I’m backing off and is sensing something is off. I’m planning on addressing the things that she did when I see her next, during some pillow talk, but am I doing the right thing? Thanks again, Coach.

Sincerely,

Bob

Well, again, the reason why you let her be is because she’s taking you for granted. But soon as she returns back to you, you’re like, “Babe, I want to see you,” instead of “Ugh!” Bad, bad, bad way to go, dude. You know what, if I were you – especially if you haven’t heard from her in a couple of days, I would say she’ll probably reach out – but the next time she reaches out to you, be like, “Let’s get together and make a date.” And be nice, don’t be a dick to her.

But I can tell from the way she’s behaving, you haven’t been opening her up, and you haven’t been setting and enforcing healthy boundaries. You’re just ignoring her and giving her the silent treatment. She knows you’re mad and upset with her, so you need to have a have communication, preferably after you’ve just had sex. That’s the best time to have serious conversations. Especially after you’ve made her come over and over again. Then she’s going to be a lot more submissive and flexible and open to what you have to say.

That’s what I would do if I were you, man. She’s reaching out. She’s hoping you want to get together, and you’re just, “Ugh!” Bad way to go, my man.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.