What it means when your girlfriend lacks enthusiasm, effort and interest in you and your relationship.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been with his girlfriend for 8 months. He found my work 5 months ago and has read 3% Man twice. His girlfriend doesn’t reciprocate the same level of enthusiasm, effort and interest. He says he’s being too open. He can tell that he is more into her than she is into him. She promises to do things and step up her effort, but then she doesn’t follow through and gets upset when he calls her out on it.
He’s mistakenly trying to complain her into complying with his wishes, instead of becoming a more attractive man, so she naturally does these things for him that she no longer is willing to because she simply isn’t feeling it. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
What’s interesting is probably 80% of the guys that come to me are having some kind of problem similar to this, which is basically an attraction issue. The woman that they’re with or the woman they want to be with is not feeling the kind of attraction level that she needs to feel in order to make the effort to want to be with the guy in the same way that he wants to be with her. So, a big part of what I teach in 3% Man, is how to be an attractive man. What behaviors can you exhibit and do you need to exhibit as a man, as a masculine essence, in order to attract the female or the feminine essence?
The only thing you have control over is how you show up and how you act. And if you show up as your most attractive self, not only will this attract her to you more, but it will also attract other women to you. Because quite frankly, in our society, not very many men know how to naturally exhibit these behaviors. Hence the title for my book 3% Man, because so few guys actually get it. So, with that said, let’s go through his email because again, this is a common problem for a lot of guys.
Good afternoon Coach!
I am a big fan of your work and more recently started following you around 5 months ago. I have read the book 2 times and am on my 3rd time as we speak.
Well, if you’ve been following me for five months, you should have gotten through the book more than twice. So, more than likely, you’ve been cherry picking here and there, looking for a technique or a strategy, or a magic line to fix things, when what you have is an attraction issue. You’re exhibiting behaviors that are causing your girl to feel like you’re way more into her than she is into you. In essence, she feels like she has all the power, and women don’t want the power and a relationship.
And you can make her feel guilty and you can complain about the lack of effort, but the reality is, why isn’t she doing it naturally without being prodded? Because if she’s head over heels in love with you and you ask her to do things, and assuming she’s a normal, happy, healthy woman, she’s flexible, she’s a giver, those kinds of things, she’ll happily do it. But when her interest is low, when her attraction level is low for you, she’s just simply not going to feel compelled to do it. And so, you have to start exhibiting those kinds of behaviors that cause her to feel like she wants to seek your attention and validation. Because it’s obvious, when I get further into the email, you’ll see that he’s basically like, “Mommy, pay attention to me!” That’s kind of how it comes across, and that’s not attractive.
The number one, most important thing that women love about men is confidence. And this guy is exuding the opposite of confidence. He’s basically complaining that his girl is not paying attention to him enough or giving to him enough. And the reality is, he’s just not exhibiting the behaviors to cause her to feel that level of attraction. And women don’t care about what a good dude you are or how nice you are to them. They only care about how they feel about you, and you can’t make somebody feel something that they’re not feeling. The only thing you have control over is how you show up, and that is what really influences her behavior.
I am having problems deciphering when enough is enough.
You can tell he’s frustrated, obviously.
So, my girlfriend and I have been together 8 months. After finding your material, I found everything I had been doing in the beginning of our relationship was spot on with what your book was saying to do.
So, you probably did everything right in the beginning. And once you developed feelings, you probably started to pedestalize her a little bit and started to pursue her more. And at some point the power flipped, where she could literally feel that you’re way more into her than she’s into you. And when you get that, that’s when women get feelings of being confused and not sure, or “I need some space”, “It’s not you, it’s me”, that kind of thing.
However, especially over the last few months, her attraction and want for me has obviously dropped, yet she still expects it from me.
Well, you’ve got to match and mirror the actions. You’ve been following me for five months and you’ve barely been through the book twice. That tells me you’re kind of half-assing it and not really being a serious student. You’re just looking for a quick fix, a magic line, a phrase that you could throw at her occasionally, and her panties would magically drop, and she’ll fall head over heels in love with you.
And so, overall, it’s the vibe that you’re giving off. You’re not giving off the vibe of a man who’s in control of himself, his emotions and being the leader in the relationship. You’re looking too much upon her, instead of a teammate, and treating her more like a mommy and somebody you need attention and approval from, an “atta boy” from. And that’s not why she got into a relationship with you.
She got into a relationship with you because, at least as you said in the beginning, you exhibited these behaviors naturally. And when you really started to care and your emotions got involved, you stopped being that guy. You probably moved more into your feminine, which started to ruin the sexual polarity. And so, instead of you being the man and her being the woman, it’s like two girls in a relationship together. It’s going to ruin the attraction.
I am a good guy at heart and have always tried my best to put me first and my relationship second, so she feels seen, heard, and understood.
You also have to pay attention to what kind of effort is coming back. And the other thing you’ve got to understand is women are like cats. Sometimes they’re really going to be super into you, and want to be around you, and you may spend a whole weekend together or several days together. And then you’ll notice by the third or fourth days, she’s not as excited or as enthusiastic as she was when you got together three or four days before that. And that’s just natural. You don’t take it personal.
If you spend a lot of time around somebody, scarcity creates value and if you get too much of anything, too much cake, too much ice cream, too much chocolate. after a while, it just doesn’t have the same effect. Just like when you get a new toy for Christmas or your birthday that you’ve been wanting for for six months. And then you finally get it, you play with it a lot for the first few days, and then a month or so later, it’s at the bottom of your toy box.
She comes from a broken family as do I. Growing up, I realized all the things my father was is the polar opposite of who I want to be. So, I make a conscious effort every day to do what’s right.
Well, the important thing is you’ve got to notice what’s being reciprocated, and you want to match and mirror the actions and the effort. If she’s putting in less effort, you put in less effort. If she’s taking longer to call or text you back, you should take longer to call or text her back. If you’re saying “I love you” all the time and she only says that every once in a while, well, she should say it twice for every time that you say it once. Women like you more, if they have to work harder for your attention and validation. A lot of women complain about it, but it’s a fact that they’re more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And so, notice what he says next...
However, I am now struggling with being too open, and it’s kicking me in the dick, I believe.
So, in other words, he’s recognizing he’s making way more of an effort than she is. As she backed off, he didn’t do the same. He kept the pedal down, pedal to the metal, so to speak, and he kept making the same level of effort, to the point where he’s making way more of an effort than she is. And so what happens is, the natural ebb and flow, as the kitty cat kind of gets bored and very familiar with him, it’s going to go off and do other things.
And instead of just letting the kitty cat go and being unbothered and withdrawing your attention when the cat decides to go roam the neighborhood – to do things with her girlfriends, go see her mother, or whatever it happens to be – you kept making the same level of effort, because you’re living in the past. You’re looking at what she said and what she did in the past and assuming she still feels the same way today, because you’re trying to force her interest to go back up. It’s just something that typically happens naturally, most often when she is away from you. And when a woman backs off – they all naturally do this when they spend a lot of time with you –you’ve got to let them be, and you’ve got to let them come to you at their pace.
And so, it’s obvious to me that when she backs away, you are afraid that you’re losing her. Because deep down you, probably just like I did when I was younger and didn’t know any better, didn’t feel I deserve to be loved. And so, when a woman backed away, I took it as, “Oh, I did something wrong. She doesn’t like me. Let me do the illusion of action and try to make her feel like I care about her more.” You go to a woman and ask her, she’ll say, “Oh, let her know that you really care. Send her some flowers, go spend some extra time with her.” And they don’t really understand. That’s why, most of the time when you get advice from women and you do what they say, it has the opposite effect because most women don’t understand how attraction works either.
So, when she backs off, you don’t get ouncentered, you don’t get butt-hurt about it. You just look at it and go, “Hey, the kitty cat got bored, great. Now I’ve got some extra time. I can go see my mom, go spend time with mom and dad. I can catch up with my friends, go have some beers with the boys. I can work on my side hustle some more. I can clean out my garage. I can go back to the gym more, maybe catch up with some friends who I may have been neglecting these last few months.”
That’s how a man should look at it. He doesn’t get bummed when his girl wants to go and do something without him, he gets excited. He’s like, “Now I got some space. I’ve got some peace and quiet. I can go do my own thing now for a while, until she really starts to miss me and crave me. And then she’ll be back soon enough.” But if you chase her and you pursue her, you’re communicating to her that on some level, the vibe you’re giving off is that you don’t feel worthy of her love. And that shows a lack of confidence.
When women sense that you lack confidence, they typically back away and test. And if the guy is needy, he fails the test, he starts to pursue more, and he makes more of an effort. And just like this guy said, he’s being too open. Maybe he’s talking about his feelings. Maybe he’s whining about the effort, he’s complaining that she’s not making the same level of effort. And that’s typically what you see. And when you behave that way, it causes her to lose attraction for you, because you’re not acting masculine.
Masculinity is calm, it’s sure of itself, it’s stable, it’s not a jack in the box. And you can’t turn into a jack in the box just because she hasn’t called you or texted you as many times this week as she may have done last week. It’s just the ebb and flow. It’s about as productive as complaining about the weather when it doesn’t match your expectations. It’s always changing. Feminine energy is chaos. Don’t take it personally. Don’t get wrapped up in her moods. Don’t get wrapped up in her being hot for you one day and somewhat cold and lukewarm the next. This is just naturally how they are.
My girlfriend is beautiful, funny, sexy, smart, and dedicated, 50-60% of the time we are in a great place, and she’s wonderful!
I would say, probably, on an attraction scale, her interest is probably vacillating most of the time, at least now, between 5 and 6 on a scale of 1 to 10, because that would line up with the chapter “It’s all the numbers” that’s in my book “3% Man.”
Women will naturally make the effort when they feel those emotions and feelings. But when it’s not there, they’re not feeling it, they’re simply not going to feel the desire to make the effort. And you complaining about it, complaining about her lower interest or complaining that she’s not doing these things, is not going to cause her to be excited about doing them because it is a gift from her heart. She’ll only be doing it out of obligation, and that’s not what you want.
Her goals are my goals in terms of where we want to be in our future lives. As of recently though, I am the only one making any kind of effort, or so it feels.
When you see her making less of an effort, she takes longer to return your calls or your texts, or her texts are shorter, (when you look at the text exchange going back and forth, if you’re sending big paragraphs and she sends one or two sentences back, you should pay attention to that), you should match and mirror that. You should just dip out of the conversation quickly. You’ve got to pay attention to the effort because, again, it fluctuates based upon how she’s feeling, and a woman’s feelings change like the weather. That’s just the way they are. If you don’t like it, then don’t date women.
Her lack of texting and communicating is my biggest problem.
So, again, “You’re not paying attention to me, Mommy. Mommy doesn’t love me.” I mean, you come off like a whiny little boy. And the fact that you’re even focused on this… again, this is why I say read the book 10 to 15 times. You’re sitting here whining like a little girl, “Oh, she doesn’t text me and communicate enough. It’s my biggest problem. She doesn’t love me. She doesn’t care about me.” And so, when you complain about that, all it’s going to do is cause her to withdraw even more and text you even less, because you’re acting unattractive. It’s disgusting. It’s not masculine at all. It’s totally repulsive to women.
Followed by just overall effort and excitement for me.
You can’t force her to be excited. You can’t force her heart to feel something it’s not feeling. Scarcity creates value, and part of your problem is you are giving her too much of your time and attention, and you’re ignoring that she’s not reciprocating. And what you should have done a long time ago is just backed off and matched and mirrored her effort. Because she’ll feel that; she’ll feel that you don’t call as much, you don’t text as much. You’re taking longer to reply back to her. You’re not sending these long diatribe texts where she’s sent in two sentences. If she sends two sentences in a text, you send one back, and then you end in the conversation.
Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And so, what happened was, and this happens in all relationships, you spend a lot of time together, and probably, like he said, the first two or three months, things are great. And then she naturally backed off as things got serious, because that’s just what women do. But when she backed off, he didn’t back off to match and mirror that. He kept moving forward, probably became full of fear, started calling more, texting more, and then started complaining she wasn’t making the same effort that he was.
He’s like, “I’m a good guy. I’m making all this effort,” instead of just going, “Hey, obviously your interest has dropped a little bit and that’s okay. I’m not going to come unglued. I’m not going to freak out about it. I’m just going to let her be. And when she misses me, then she’ll call me and she’ll text me, and then we’ll get together then.” And then the sex will be better, her enthusiasm level will have gone up, and you’ll see this naturally.
But guys that don’t know any better, they expect her effort to stay at the same level without realizing that a woman’s feelings fluctuate. And you don’t take it personally, it has nothing to do with you. It’s just what goes on internally, inside of them. It’s beautiful when you think about it, but a man who doesn’t have his shit together is going to come unglued, like this guy has been doing.
Again, part of what I talk about in my book is the illusion of action. He feels like he’s got to do something more to make up for her lack of interest, instead of going, “Hey the kitty cat’s a little bored. We spent a lot of time together. I’ll let her go roam the neighborhood. I only want to spend time with her when she really misses me, and really wants to see me, and can’t keep her hands off of me.” That’s why you’re unperturbed, you never get butt-hurt. “Oh, I’m going to go spend the weekend when my parents” or “I’m going to go see my friends” or whatever it happens to be. It’s like, “Great, go do that.”
We see each other 3-4 days a week on average, and she calls me every night we are apart.
At this point in the relationship, she should be doing 95%, even close to 100% of all of the calling, texting and pursuing. And he doesn’t say it in here, but I would say he’s doing way more than that, probably. And what you’ve got to understand is women need time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you, for their feelings to go back up. And when you’re needy and you’re unsure, you interrupt that process by calling and texting too much and trying to force yourself into her life. And so, instead of allowing her to arrive at that point, where her feelings have bubbled back up and the enthusiasm comes back because she hasn’t heard from you.
You want women to be a little unsure of where they stand. They like it better. It’s a scientific fact. Again, they like it better if they think that they like you more than you like them. And the problem that you have is she knows that you definitely like her way more than she likes you. And complaining about it and whining about it is going to cause her to lose even more respect, attraction and interest for you. So, you need to knock it off, dude.
I’m not one of those people who needs to be texting or talking all of the time, but when she asks certain things of me, I do it, (such as letting her know when I’m home or at work).
Yeah, good morning texts and “Hey, I’m home,” I would not do those things. I would tell her, “You know, I don’t want to do this anymore. It just feels very robotic. And when I text you, I want it to be organic. I want to text you because I miss you, or I’m thinking about you, or I want to say something sweet to you, not out of obligation, and vice versa.” Because what ends up happening is you’re just kind of going through a routine, and she doesn’t appreciate it.
It’s like sending a dozen roses a day every day for 30 days. You know, the first couple of days she’s going, “Oh, it’s so sweet, so thoughtful.” But on day 15, day 20, she’d be like, “Can you please stop sending roses? I’ve got way too many of them.” Scarcity creates value. Too much of anything causes all of us to not appreciate it. And you’re not recognizing when you just need to back off and let her be. You’re recognizing that she backs away, and instead of just going, “Oh, her interest dropped,” you’re taking it personally, like it’s a personal affront to your ego.
This is also accompanied by doing little things she needs, or helping out around her house when I’m over, doing all of the small things a good man should do if he’s committed.
Well, you should be doing those things if she asks you to do them. But when she asks you to do something for her, make sure you ask her to reciprocate and do something for you. If you go over and you fix her toilet or you get the tires rotated on her car, she should be cooking you a home cooked meal that night and doing something to repay you for that. You want to ask for these things, and if she’s not doing these things, then you do less things for her. Or if she asks you to fix her toilet or whatever, just say, “Well, I can’t this weekend, but I can do it next week,” or whatever. You’ve got to notice the level of effort that you’re getting back and match and mirror that.
However, when I ask the same from her, I get absolutely nothing, and she blows it off like it’s no big deal.
She blows it off like it’s no big deal, because you’re constantly complaining about it, and she’s just not feeling it. She’s not at the same place. She doesn’t do it because she doesn’t want to, because she doesn’t like you that much. Like I said, I would look at her interest and her effort based on what you’ve shown, and I would rate it a 5 or a 6. So, you’re like a dude where she’s just barely into it. Therefore, you need to dramatically reduce, over the next several weeks, the amount of calling and texting you’re doing.
And instead of trying to get together with her three or four times a week, be busy doing things with your friends, and maybe you only see her once or twice over the next week or so. Just be busy and unavailable when she wants to see you, because you want to match and mirror it. Scarcity creates value. And you said yourself earlier on the email that you’re too open with her, you’re too honest. You’re probably talking about your feelings. You know you’re making too much of an effort, and you can’t make up for her lack of effort. You just have to match and mirror it.
I am always courting, gifting…
Well, you shouldn’t be buying stuff for her all the time. Maybe Valentine’s Day, if you’re and you’ve been in a long term relationship. Maybe her birthday, but constantly buying her things, that’s just stupid because that comes off as a bribe for sex and a relationship. Again, that’s where matching and mirroring comes in.
…and showing my affection and appreciation towards her; all I ask for is reciprocation.
Well, if you’re doing all these things and she doesn’t reciprocate, then stop doing them. The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. What you’re doing is like sending her a dozen roses every single day and ignoring the fact that she’s just not reciprocating. So, if she doesn’t reciprocate, stop doing it. And again, this is this is in the book. She should be doing it more than you do.
I feel like I don’t even get the bare minimum.
Because you’re not matching a mirroring her actions.
When I bring things up about how I need certain things and just want the effort to be put in from her, it always ends up with her crying and trying to justify her actions.
Yeah, that’s the wrong thing to do. Complaining about it is not going to make her want to do it naturally. When her interest is high, that’s when you ask her to do these things for you. When her interest is low, like it is now, all complaining about it is doing is turning her off and making her less attracted to you.
The lack of effort, the lack of intimacy…
Plus, you’re complaining about a lack of sex, I assume. Again, it comes back to how she feels about you.
…and the lack of excitement towards me makes me feel like I’m insane.
It’s like, dude, you just need to back off.
Again, she always has a reason for it or makes me feel like I’m in the wrong for bringing it up.
Quite frankly, you are because you’re not acting like a man. That’s really the issue.
If not that, it is “I’ll work on it” or “I’m a bad girlfriend…do you hate me?”, etc.
Again, you complaining about it, being a whingebag is not going to make her want to do these things for you.
Now, I’m patient and understanding, but excuses and “I’m sorry” only goes so far anymore.
Well, it sounds like you’re getting more angry, and more upset, and more uncentered, and more butt-hurt. This is just going to continue to drive her interest to where she doesn’t even want to be around you anymore, and she probably will dump you if you don’t knock it off.
I understand we live busy lives, but it is so consistent that I feel like I’m being taken advantage of.
Again, you should have been matching and mirroring her actions. You’ve been following me for five months, and you did a half-assed job of reading the book twice. And it’s like, these are glaringly obvious things that are discussed in the book and what needs to be done to correct them. You’ve got to look in the mirror. You’re the guy, you’re you’re the leader of this relationship, and you’re not doing the things necessary to enable it to flourish, because you’re a needy, insecure, neurotic, jackass, jack in the box. Simple as that.
Especially because I do everything I can to make sure I do my part in our relationship.
Well, doing your part and ignoring the fact that the other person is not is going to eventually get you dumped.
Now don’t get me wrong, I have my flaws! For a while I was afraid to tell her things, because she is very emotional and insecure about a lot of things. However, I feel like it led to her thinking she can have me whenever she wants or snap her fingers and I’ll do it.
Well, that’s because you have been. Again, you’re just completely ignoring that the power balance has shifted here, and you’re doing the opposite of what the book teaches.
This is where I fucked up, I guess. I need advice on where to go from here. I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HER.
Well, if you don’t change course, bro, and actually do what the book teaches, you will literally chase her out of your life.
I feel like she’s all the things I want and need, but I just need her to open up and put forth effort!
So back off, give her some space. Let her come to you. I would say, over the next two weeks, you want to back off your effort to the point where she’s doing 95, 98, 99% of the reaching out. If you’re seeing each other 3 to 4 times a week, well, maybe for the next couple of weeks, you only see her once or twice a week. Be busy, be unavailable, take longer to respond to her.
Make sure in your text exchanges, what you actually text her is shorter than what she texts you. Just little things like that. She will feel that you’re not making the same level of effort, and that will cause her to seek your attention and validation, which she naturally will do because this is the way women are designed. But if you act like a little girl and little boy who needs his mommy to give him an “atta boy,” you’re going to chase this girl right out of your life.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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