No Contact During A Divorce

How to employ no contact during a divorce when you want to reconcile.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer whose wife initiated a divorce after she had an abortion due to the baby having birth defects. She apparently really wanted to keep the baby anyway and blames him now. It created a downward spiral in their marriage. She hasn’t started the divorce proceedings yet, and is watching his social media stories. He has a list of questions regarding how to handle no contact in his situation to get her back. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, No Contact During A Divorce.

Well, this particular email from a guy who’s all the way on the other side of the world in the Mediterranean. He’s over in Europe. And the email just goes to show it doesn’t matter where the guy is in the world. Women respond to what they respond to. And so, they had a difficult thing happen this past year. His wife was pregnant with a child.

And then the doctor informed them that their child was going to have severe birth defects. And so, he and his wife decided to have an abortion. Come to find out after the fact she really wanted to keep the baby. And so, she blames him, and that just kind of created a downward spiral. And at this point, it looks like he’s out of the house, and he’s in no contact, basically. But she hasn’t filed for divorce yet.

And so, he’s got a list of questions. But before I get into those, I want to go through this. Because I get a lot of guys that are in this exact situation. So, this particular case, he’s already moved out of the house. But say you’re living with your girlfriend, or you’re married, and your wife says she wants a divorce, she wants you to move out.

So, if you want to stay in the relationship, then whoever is going to end the relationship or saying they want to end the relationship. In this case, obviously the woman. Because women file for divorce like 75% of the time. They do most of the breakup initiation. It’s like, if you want to stay together, you’re the king of your castle. You’re not going to leave your master suite. You’re not going to leave your castle.

If your queen doesn’t want to be your queen anymore, then she can be the one to move out. Because guys make the mistake, and this guys already in this. So, like hindsight is 20/20. But for somebody that’s watching this, that is thinking about moving out, or the wife or girlfriend said, “You have to move out. I want space.” Or whatever. If she’s unilaterally wanting to end the relationship, then she’s going to be the one to leave.

If you have kids, she’s going to have to be the one to explain to the children why she’s breaking up the family and why she is leaving. Because if you want to stay married, then you don’t move out. If you want to stay in a relationship, you don’t leave. Men don’t leave. You’re not supposed to.

You’re like, “This is my castle. It’s my home. I want to work things out. If you want to leave, if you want to break our family up, then you can explain to the children. And then you can go be boss girl and rent your own apartment. Or go to your parents’ house or do whatever. But, I want to work things out. I’m not interested in divorce. If you serve me with divorce papers, I’ll sign them. But, I’m not going to go and file, and do any of that.”

So, from a strategic perspective, if you want to stay married, then you’re not going to do anything to end the relationship. Love is playful and fun. And so, you want to always practice the things that obviously are in The Book. Because sometimes the woman will move into one of the guest rooms and stay there. But love is playful and fun. And typically what happens in these situations is, the women always leave for the same exact reasons.

When I do phone sessions with guys in these situations, it’s, number one; She didn’t feel heard and understood. And number two, they stopped dating and courting her properly. If a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and if she doesn’t, the legs close. Women want to be in a love story. And in this case, like with this couple, they had a traumatic event where they lost their baby.

Obviously, it was by choice, but the doctor’s like, hey, you got birth defects. But for whatever reason, the wife is saying now, “Hey, we should have kept the baby.” So, where he really needs to be coming from is a place of playfulness. Like, “Baby, it’s okay, we’ll have another child. Let’s start right away.” But obviously it created a downward spiral.

And instead of being allies and teammates, and being excited about becoming parents together, it just created a series of events that spiraled out of control. And now she’s blaming him for the abortion and everything. But unfortunately, in this case, he’s already moved out. So, he’s in a more difficult case. Because if you say you want to stay together and you want to work things out, you don’t leave your castle. You don’t leave the master suite.

If the wife or the girlfriend the one saying, “I don’t want to be together anymore.” Great! She can be the one to leave. “Because I’m here. I’m not leaving. I’m going to stay because I want us and the family to stay together. If you want to break the family up, everybody’s going to know it was you that broke the family up. And that’s just the way it’s going to be.”

And if you get her talking and she’s doing 70, 80% of the talking. And just get back to just having fun, because love is playful and fun. And making her feel heard and understood. Maybe have a date night, maybe you get a babysitter for the kids, maybe just hanging out, having a glass of wine together after the kids go to sleep, and just listen to her talk. Listen to her concerns. Repeat some of the things back to her.

Watch the video or read the article I did called, “How To Communicate With Women Effectively”, it would be really helpful in these situations. The reason why you go no contact is because the woman is like, “I’m out. I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore.” And if she’s already served you with divorce papers, or whatever, in this case, he’s already moved out.

So, it’s like in essence, he’s acquiesced to the end of the relationship because his actions you could look at and say, well, if you really wanted to stay together, why did you move out? Because sometimes women want to test that the guy really cares. Because if they say, “Well, let’s just go our separate ways.” They often don’t really want to go their separate ways.

They’re just making it easy for you to leave if you don’t really want to be there. And if you’re like, “I don’t want to break up. I want to stay together. What are you talking about? I’m not going anywhere.” Then they’re happy that you stay. But if you’re like, “Okay, well, if you don’t want me, I’m out of here.” And then they’re upset that you left. It’s like they were testing you, giving you an out.

Because when they say, in essence, “Hey, you got your freedom”, but you don’t really leave, you don’t want to go, that communicates you want to stay. And that’s one of the enigmas about women. I had a girlfriend that did that to me many, many years ago. And she’s like, “oh, let’s take some time and, you know, have some distance.” And I should have just said, “I don’t want that.”

But I was like, “Well, if that’s what you want.” And after that, because I heard it from her brother, was like she was bawling her eyes out. Because she took it as, I didn’t care, and I didn’t love her. I didn’t fight for the relationship. In other words, all I had to really say is, “I don’t want to space. I haven’t seen you a few days, jackass. Get your ass over here. I want to see your face. Let’s make some dinner together and catch up. I miss you.”

That’s all I had to say. But instead, I created a series of events that led to a breakup. Just because at that time, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I was still trying to connect all the dots, piece the pieces together, so to speak. So, with this in mind, with what I’ve shared with you, he’s already out of the house. He’s kind of like a single, free agent. And so, he mentions that she’s engaging with his stories. And obviously I mention he’s got a bunch of questions.

Viewer’s Email:

Dear Coach,

My name is Bob and I’m e-mailing you from the island of Cyprus (in the Mediterranean / Europe) so forgive me for my English.

Recently I broke up with my soon to be ex-wife of 7 years. Last May, we had to have an abortion because the baby would have had birth defects. It was a joint decision back in 2019, but I know now that my wife wanted to keep it. She never told me.

You know, if you’re going to do something like that, and she looks like she’s hesitant, you have to ask. That really is where good, honest, open communication comes in handy. And for whatever reason, he believes she was totally cool with it. Maybe she said she was.

Maybe she was speaking a little bit of womaneze. Maybe she was just going along with it because there are some things he alludes to in here. It almost sounds like she kind of twisted his arm, and he was set against things being a certain way.

Ever since the downhill started and we also started having meaningless fights. In most cases we wouldn’t talk for a week because I needed her to realize the mistakes she made. We have a 12-year difference in age.

Yeah, it’s not loving to give your wife the silent treatment for a week that is immature and that’s dysfunctional. That’s not how healthy couples communicate with one another. If you have a problem, you have to talk it out. You don’t just say, “I’m going to give you the silent treatment, and basically abuse you mentally and emotionally by ignoring you for a week. Even though we live in the same house.” That’s fucking childish.

You can’t do things like that. You’ve got to be talking and working through things as a team. How are you going to co-parent with somebody, when you’re just like, “I’m not going to speak to you for a week because you pissed me off?” And “I’m not going to let you know why.” There’s no way a marriage, or any kind of relationship is going to last when you do that shit long term. Statistically, it’s a 95% chance it’s going to, “Psst.”

And I know that most of the things she was doing wrong are because of her immaturity.

Well, she had just lost a baby, and that was probably the most important thing in the world to her. And just because I’ve been through this email here, and it just seems like you’re kind of cold and unsupportive and not understanding that.

If your outcome as a family was to have a child, then, “Hey, unfortunately we lost that one. But let’s keep going. Let’s keep doing this. We can do it, baby, you and I, we’re a team.” But instead, you get mad and you’re passive aggressive with her, and you give her the silent treatment for a week. You can’t do that. Statistically, it’s guaranteed that the relationship’s going to end.

It seems like both the fights but also due to her emotions (after the abortion) as well as the accusation that I am a strong-minded person pushed her way resulting in asking me for a divorce in early November.

Yeah, it doesn’t sound like you guys went from having fun and being excited about having a family, to just not getting along at all. And love is playful and fun. Women want to be in a love story. The simple formula is, hang out, have fun, hook up. Your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen.

He cannot punish his wife and give her the silent treatment for a week. I’ve done a lot of emails over the years. And it’s the guy emailing me. Very rarely is the guy emailing me that’s behaving passive aggressively. You just can’t do that, Dude.

The only excuse she gave me for the break-up is my mentality, being strong minded, and that she doesn’t feel the way she did. She says she cares a lot about me, and she loves me, but she knows that things won’t change. She was hugging and kissing me even after the decision though (even though we agreed to try) she never tried saving our marriage and continued drifting away.

Well, if you’re always angry with her, again, your job is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out and have fun, hook up. If you wanted to work things out, just go back to having a good time, joking around, making her laugh. Whatever a woman feels when she is with you, is what she’s going to associate with being with you.

And if you’re angry and pissed off and ignoring her, she’s going to associate that with you. You’re treating her like you don’t give a fuck about her. And so, eventually she’s going to be like, “He doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t want me around.” That’s just not loving. That’s abusive. And you definitely should apologize for that. And then being strong minded, probably not really being open to listening to her.

And so, that would tell me, that where she says, the only excuse she gave me for the breakup was my mentality being strong minded. So being strong minded. In other words, he’s not open minded. If I was to talk to her, I guarantee you she’d be like, “Yeah, I don’t feel like he heard and understood me. He didn’t understand where I was coming from.”

She’s hurting because she lost the baby and he’s punishing her and getting mad. In that case, man, that’s a traumatic thing, especially for a woman. It’s like you have to get back to having a good time together, and being teammates and start trying again. And instead it created a spiral and a series of events where he just refused to talk to her, and she drifted away. You pushed her away. You made her feel like she didn’t matter.

She was also seeing a therapist for a totally different matter and our marriage came-up and I know that the therapist implied that people don’t change (leaving the rest to your fantasy.)

Well, I say people typically don’t change. They may become a better version of who they are, but they typically don’t change. And so, somebody that’s strong minded or closed minded is always going to have a tendency to be that way, even though they can become more open minded, typically their go to is, they’re going to be hard to change their mind. Which can be a good thing in business.

But if you’re slow to change your mind, but quick to change your approach when something’s not working, that’s the better. But that comes with time. So, more than likely, oftentimes if the therapist didn’t like you or didn’t participate. You know, maybe the therapist wasn’t helpful.

But if that therapist is counseling or only hearing her side, then obviously they should have included you. And you’re the spouse, so you should have been involved or at least have known the therapist if you were that close. Especially if she was going to a therapist after the abortion. It’s surprising that the therapist didn’t even have you involved in that.

My questions are the following:

1.      Would a no contact rule apply in our situation and if yes, how would I response in case she contacts me (via call) for day-to day issues? If she contacts me, should I start over?

Well, if you were still living at home and she’s sleeping in a separate bedroom in the house because she moved out of the master suite, you’re living together. You can still work things out. And you can let it be known that you want to work things out. But, you know, it depends on where she is in the process. If she’s already, got a boyfriend, or dating somebody, and is just sleeping there, then she should go and get her own place because obviously she’s moved on.

She’s not trying to fix things. But in this case he didn’t specifically say, but it sounds like he’s already moved out of the house. But if he was still living in the house, you’re just going to be. Love is playful and fun. So 90% of the time you’re a charming James Bond. 10% of the time you’re doing things to try to crack her up. And get her to talk, and get her to open up, sit at the kitchen table at night, talking, asking her, “Hey, how was your day?”

One of the first things you say, especially if you’re trying to repair things in a relationship that went sideways when you get home is, “Hey babe, how was your day?” And get her to talk. Because getting her to talk that makes her feel like you care. And like I talk about in the video, “How To Communicate With Women Effectively”, it’s only ten, 12 minutes long. It’s worth your time to watch. But it makes them feel like you care. And it teaches you how to listen.

And make them feel like you’re not only listening, but you hear them. You understand them. Because if you do that, then you can start to notice the body language goes from arms crossed, to open, her legs and body language go from being pointed away from you, to being pointed towards you. She starts playing with her hair, all the kinds of things that you would see on a date, she starts doing. Touching your arm, laughing, exposing her neck to you.

Maybe after she’s talked for a while, she starts asking you questions. You’re laughing together. And so, when you see the signs are there, just like if you were on a first date, that she’s ready to be kissed, you make the move and you seduce her there. Let’s hang out, have fun and hook up. That’s the simple formula. But it’s hang out, and have fun while you’re hanging out.

Well, while you’re having fun while you’re hanging out, part of it is getting her to talk, getting her to open up, getting her to feel heard and understood. And like I said, based on what you shared in the email, I would say that’s probably her biggest complaint. She doesn’t feel like you heard and understood her, and didn’t really care. She probably went over the same thing over and over and over, complained about the same things over and over and over again.

And that’s usually one of the things I ask guys when I do phone sessions. Like, what does she complain about the most? What did you hear over and over? And it’s usually two or 2 or 3 things. So, in this case, if he’s out of the house and she contacts you, any arrangements with the house or any of that stuff, that should all be arranged ahead of time. So, there’s really no reason for her to call you.

And so, if she does reach out, I was like, “Hey, how’s your day going? What are you up to? Hey, you want to come by for a glass of wine and catch up?” Just invite her to come by and hang out. Just like what I talk about in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Invite her to come hang out at your new place or whatever. Again, it’s just like a date. Hang out, have fun, hook up. Don’t meet her out. Don’t pick her up. Invite her over to your place.

And if you’re living in the house together, and even if she’s in another room, it’s the same process; getting her to talk. “Hey, how was your day, babe?” Get her to talk. Get her to open up. When she starts punching your arm playfully or laughing and she opens back up totally. It’s like when the signs are there, I talk about in The Book, that she’s ready to be kissed and touched, do that. Kiss her, seduce her, take it. Take it to the next step.

It’s the same process over and over and over again. Just like a first date night. The difference is, is when you’ve had a big breakup like this, is that there’s a lot of shit that’s built up. And so, by talking, it’s like the pressure relief valve on a water heater, it’s like diffuses all that. It makes her feel like, “Oh, he really does care. He really is taking the time to learn and hear me.” And take some feedback.

You know, like I said, if you never really listen to her and you actively talk to her and communicate her, and listen to her like I talk about in that video, “How To Communicate With Women Effectively.” And you follow a script in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. That’s going to put yourself in the best possible position to attract her. And if it doesn’t work out maybe it will with somebody better.

And plus, you need to be reading The Book so you can understand what to look for, what creates attraction, what turns her on, or what turns her off. Because when her attraction is really low and she’s mentioning divorce, you’ve got to clean your game up. You have to stop doing the things that are unattractive.

You can’t make too many mistakes, because if you’re trying to raise her interest and yet you’re displaying unattractive behavior, her interest is going to be going down to the point where she’s glad she left you. And eventually she follows through with the divorce or the breakup, or starts dating somebody else.

2.      I asked her (because I didn’t have the strength to do so) to be the one to initiate the procedures for the divorce yet, she hasn’t done it. Does that mean anything?

Well, probably because she hasn’t decided to completely go through with it. But that’s the right approach is making her be the one to say, “Look, I love you. I want to work things out. I’m not interested in divorce, but if you serve me with divorce papers and you force me to divorce you, I will agree to it. I won’t stop you from divorcing me. But I’m not going to initiate it. And I’m not going to do any of that because I want to work things out.” And you just leave it at that. So, if you’re going to get divorced, it’s because she divorced you and left you. And she moved that train along.

3.      I know she has been checking-up on me on social media. What does that mean?

Well, if she’s watching, your stories on Instagram and stuff, she’s trying to find out what you’re doing and what you’re up to. It shows that there’s still some interest. You’re not some dude that she just, you know, hooked up with on a first date. It’s like you’re her husband. You almost had a child together. It’s definitely possible that you can work things out, but you got to definitely get her talking and open her up when you do hear from her.

But at this point, it seems like you guys are living in separate houses. When you do hear from her, assume she wants to see you. Invite her over to make dinner together, or have a glass of wine or coffee or tea or whatever and just catch up. Shoot the shit. Say, “I’d love to see you.” Just simple as that. Doesn’t have to be anything special. Just follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.

In addition, during No Contact it was her birthday, and I didn’t contact her (01/13.)

And that was like a couple of weeks ago. She had her birthday.

It was also my birthday (12/30) and even though I asked her not to send me wishes, she did. Any comments on that?

Well, she’s being nice. It shows she cares. I mean, should you have said not contacted her on her birthday. Again, a lot of times the guys have gotten to the point where the women are like, just leave me alone and they don’t want anything to do with the guy. In that case, no.

But in this case, if it was her birthday, then I probably would have said something. But again, he wasn’t really clear on what’s going on between the two of them, or what their living arrangements are. But it does seem like they’re not living in the same house anymore.

4.      Do you agree that her therapist should have at least seen me once before expressing his opinions on me and the issues we were facing?

It would have been helpful because if that therapist was really trying to help her and help you and keep the family together, if you will, he would have talked to both of you. But for whatever reason, he didn’t. Maybe he was just her therapist and that’s the way it was. Again, you’re in Cyprus. I don’t know what the laws are legally.

You know, maybe it’s the type of thing where her therapist hired by her, and he can’t talk to you legally. I don’t know, I’m in America. And the laws in the state of Florida are different, than the laws in the state of California or Texas or New York or wherever. So, I mean, you’re in Cyprus. I have no idea what the laws are there. So, it’s going to vary by country. But I agree. If the guy was trying to help you too, he should have talked to both of you. But maybe he’s not that type of therapist.

5.      Her entire family was pushing her not to divorce me and I feel that this made things worse. Do you agree?

Well, maybe she’s rebelling to her family. I don’t know. Maybe if she’s really young. Again, I don’t know, I don’t have enough information. But, if her family wants her to stay with you, that would be a good thing. So, you have the support of the family because it’s much better to have her family support of you guys staying together, versus the family going, “Screw that bum, dump him.”

6.      How should I proceed? I am continuing No Contact even though she called me on Jan the 19^th for an issue with the house (I restarted No Contact since.)

I know you don’t have a magic potion, but every suggestion/hint/idea would be deeply appreciated.

Sincerely,

Bob

Well, was it an issue for the house? Have you ever asked her out? Have you ever asked her to do something? Did she really need to call you with the house? Or was she just coming up with a reason to reach out? That we don’t know. But typically, like I talk about in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, you should be inviting her when she reaches out. Assume she wants to see you, if everything’s handled ahead of time. All of your arrangements. Invite her over to have a glass of wine, or make dinner at your place again. Just follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. That’s what I would do if I were you.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.