When to employ the no contact rule after a breakup or getting stuck in friend zone.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers. The first email is from a self-professed beta male who has been on and off with a woman he started dating before he had ended his relationship with his ex-wife-to-be for good. She obviously wasn’t happy about him going back to his wife, but now he’s stuck in limbo, waiting for her to be ready to date him again after he got closure with his now ex-wife.
The 2nd email is from a viewer who met and hooked up with a girl he had known from Instagram for about 3 years. Then she started drifting away, but she came back after a brief period of no contact. The 2nd time they were together, nothing happened because she rejected him when he asked for permission to kiss her. He even asked her if she only thought of him as a friend, and she said no. He’s not sure what to do now. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
First Viewer’s Email:
I know I’m a beta male, and it really doesn’t work for me.
Well, the good news is you can change that. And quite frankly, I mean, I’m about to be 53 in a few days here. Alpha and Beta, everybody knows what that is. Alphas are courageous and go for things, betas tend to shrink from challenge and are timid, afraid. They don’t really go for the things they want. They don’t stick with things that they commit to, that type of thing.
The alpha makes things happen, the beta male makes excuses, plain and simple. You’ve got all these other guys, “Oh, I’m a sigma man,” and I’m like, whatever. I mean, you either go for the things you want in life, or you make excuses. It’s a binary choice. You’re either stepping on the gas, or you’re stepping on the brake. You’ve got two pedals.
After a divorce in 2019, I met this woman a year later through her brother, who was a friend of mine. We hit it off rapidly and quite unbelievably well. I was skeptical, with some of my heart guarded, as to why this woman liked me so much.
And so, you could tell, at least at that point in time, she’s way more in him than he is into her. I mean, he’s just going through a divorce. He’s skeptical, and like he says, he was surprised at her high interest. But that was at that particular time, which has definitely changed since then. And so, here’s what he says…
My heart wasn’t completely over my divorce, which stifled things, but I didn’t let her know until I wanted to make clear to her that I was falling for her as much as she was for me.
So, he’s holding back, plus his mind is still on his ex-wife or ex-wife-to-be. I’m not sure if it was actually finalized legally, or not, or what the deal was, but the bottom line is she was still in his life.
She had been so out of the way expressive of her feelings towards me from March through October 2021, until I fessed up to her in mid-October that I needed closure from my last divorce in 2019. Of course, that blew everything out of the water, and we ended up broken up in the beginning of November.
It sounds like he’s going to try to see if he can work things out with his ex-wife or ex-wife-to-be, get closure. But you could tell, at least up until that point, she’s trying to win him over. She’s seeking his attention and validation. But you’ll see in a minute that completely flips. So he’s being the catch, and she’s the one trying to get him to commit and be with her. She was aggressive from the get go because she had high interest.
She initially wanted to work it out, but I couldn’t. She friendzoned me, then I said I couldn’t go on and broke off all communications and left.
So, in other words, he didn’t want to stay stuck in friendzone.
After I found my closure with my ex-wife…
So, I don’t know if that meant they dated or what the deal was. He says the divorce was finalized in 2019, but yet here he is, about two years after the divorce, in 2021, he’s still hanging out with his ex-wife. Maybe they were trying one more time to see if it would work or not. Obviously, she wasn’t happy about that, meaning the girl he was involved with.
…I come to find she became ill sometime during Christmas holiday and was hospitalized for gall bladder surgery. I helped her with transportation from surgery and saw her 1-2 more days and left, telling her if she needed anything, she could call me. She had her sister help her through the recovery process.
The following year, a few weeks later, I wrote her an email asking if there might be any chance of starting anew, hoping to just continue where we left off. She said she was game but that it would take a very long time to earn her trust back and not to expect any type of intimacy for a good 2 years.
I did not take this lightly, nor did it take that long. Our first date was January 30th, for which I had contracted severe Covid from a fellow employee, most likely earlier that day. On this date though, I discussed my need for closure with my ex-wife and assured her I’d never hurt her again and am done with her, which I was.
But keep in mind, he still went back to her the first time.
We had planned our next date for Valentine’s dinner, but my illness never got better after that date, and I was soon hospitalized on February 4th with severe lung issues. I had reached out to her 2 to 3 times while at the hospital from Feb 4th until the 12th when they put me on the ventilator and induced me into a coma for 12 days. It wasn’t until mid to end of March that I could even communicate well after getting off the ventilator. I wrote her another email, for which I got no response.
So, we’ve got to take a step back. I was discussing this a little earlier with Erika. We had discussed this particular email, and she’s looking at it from the woman’s perspective, “Oh, she’s got all of this anxiety,” and this and that. But the thing that is different about this time is that this woman has gallbladder surgery. He’s taking her to and from the hospital and he’s helping her. And yet, this dude’s in the hospital on a ventilator. Obviously, he had severe reactions to Covid, and she doesn’t even respond to his email.
I mean, the dude could die, and yet it’s just not even worth her time to respond to an email. So, it shows you, at some point, the power completely flipped, where she went from being way more into him than he was into her, to now, at this point, he’s way more into her than she is in him. And so, it just shows a lack of care on her part towards him. It’s definitely not reciprocated at this point. He definitely liked her more and wanted her more than she wanted him.
Though she did communicate through my son in wanting to know how I was doing.
But yet, she still couldn’t be bothered to reply to the email.
Long story short, I didn’t get physically well enough until the first week of May that we started dating again. Though reluctant of her heart emotionally, it seemed like forever to me that she was onboard with our dating relationship.
It’s also telling me he’s focused on the relationship and locking her down. He goes from being in a relationship with his ex-wife for the second time, to being single and figuring, “Hey, we’ll just pick up right where we left off the last time we hooked up.”
It takes time for women to fall in love. It takes time for them to fall out of love, and it takes time for them to fall back in love. He’s thinking it’s just a switch, boom! “We’ll be right back. All we have to just go out one date, and we’ll just pick up where we left off.” That’s not how it works. It’s like, you’ve got to put plenty of firewood in and get a kindling going until her feelings start to grow.
Because, remember, in the beginning he was unattainable. He was the one putting her off. And now after he finalizes divorce, he wants to just go right back at it the way they were before. But obviously, her feelings had changed because he had broken her heart and blown her off. He was like, “Hey, I’m going back to my wife.” And so, she obviously had plenty of time to get over it and heal, and it’s like a completely different vibe at this point. She’s in a totally different headspace.
In June, she stated she was back and onboard with trust in the relationship, but it didn’t show completely true. She never connected as such, as when we had our relationship before my closure to my divorce/ex-wife.
Because, again, at this point, the power flipped. He’s seeking her attention and validation, instead of allowing her to come to him at her pace, which is what he did the first time around. But now, because he’s like, “I finalized everything,” he’s overpursuing without even realizing it and trying to force or get her to be in a relationship before she’s emotionally ready. And I know that just by looking at her actions and the fact that she’s just not down for it, and he’s so focused on the relationship, which is all feminine energy.
She claimed love, care, and concern for me and the relationship, but the connection was not fully complete. She told me it takes time.
Which is true. Women help you when they like you. She was trying to explain to him like, “Slow down, dude. Stop being so clingy and needy and forceful with me.”
We started having sex in mid to end of June, and there was no problem receiving it, but it didn’t seem emotional from her.
Her interest was not as high because again, he’s focused on the relationship and locking her down and getting back into a relationship. This is completely the opposite of the way he was the first time they got together.
All physical, but really good for both of us. She never initiated but always followed well through with my desires.
So, she never initiated contact. What does that tell us? He’s doing 100% of the pursuing, and she’s going along with it. Whereas, the first time around she was obviously doing most of the pursuing, trying to get his attention and validation and he was putting her off. So, it’s like the roles have flipped. He’s now acting like the feminine essence, and she’s acting like the masculine, stoic essence.
And I too did my best to please her, always.
Being a pleaser with a woman? Bad way to go, my man.
The loss of connection and the loss of initiation from her left me empty inside.
It wasn’t until I took her to Hawaii for her birthday for a week that I felt her back emotionally nearly 98%. Up to this point, she might hit 75-80% at times, but mostly at 70% connection.
So, he’s talking about the attraction level. The attraction level is, love starts at nine, and she’s at a seven the whole time because he’s pursuing too much. He’s not allowing her to have time and space away from him to wonder about him, to think about him. But they spent this whole week in Hawaii. They’re there together, it’s very romantic. Obviously, her interest creeps up on a trip like that.
It was very difficult for me, and I believed I would never have her the way I had her in March through October 2021. The relationship never burned on fire as much, and we both weren’t really happy about it, with me the most.
Again, he’s focused on seeking her attention and validation way more than she’s seeking his.
Up to this point, we find out she has mental anxiety issues, which may have a play in all this.
It’ll exacerbate the situation. But if you’re over pursuing a woman that’s got anxiety issues, she’s going to run away even quicker and get turned off quicker than a normal woman would. But at the end of the day, you’re still pursuing too much, and you’re still displaying too much unattractive behavior.
We tried working through this together, but I took space.
So, in other words, “I gave her space. I stopped pursuing her. I stopped being so needy and clingy.” Because again, the power is, he’s more into her than she’s in him. He’s pursuing too much, instead of letting her come to him at her pace as she feels emotionally ready. So, he’s not talking to her at all. Absence does make the heart grow fonder. Scarcity creates value.
Then when I returned after a two-week break from my emotions, she claimed she felt some peace of healing from her anxieties.
What happened was, she finally had time and space away from him to wonder about him, to think about him, and to miss him, so her feelings naturally crept back up. I mean, this is exactly right out of the book. This is what happens. But he never backed off enough, at least up until that point, to really see that.
For which she wanted to continue to heal without the interference of a romantic relationship. She really did not want me to leave, but wait until she healed…
In other words, she’s in her own way, trying to explain to him, “You’ve got to let me come to you at my pace instead of trying to force it.”
…then promised to return and love me 100%. I tried what she’s asked, but it’s killing me not knowing if the healing will truly even return her heart to me or if I’m spinning my wheels in waiting.
That tells you right there, he’s focused on, “I hope she likes me. I hope I can get her time and attention.” That’s the opposite of masculinity. You’re literally acting how a woman acts, and that’s why it’s unattractive to her. It’s like, you’re just not backing off enough for her feelings to develop.
Remember, women are like cats. There’s a chapter in “3% Man” called, “Women Are Like Cats.” You’re getting all wrapped up and caught up in your emotions and taking it as the ultimate rejection in the moment, when in reality, you just need to back off, dude. You’ve got to go slightly slower than she is. You did that beautifully when you first met because, obviously, you still weren’t over your ex wife. But now that you’re over your ex wife, you’re totally focused on her, and you’re smothering her.
As soon as you backed off for two weeks and went no contact and gave her space, her attitude completely changed, and she was like, “Oh, I feel like I’m over my anxieties.” Well, she wasn’t over anxiety, because you were pursuing too much, you were smothering her. She could tell you were more emotionally ready for a relationship than she was. That’s why she backs off.
The same analogy is you’re petting a cat, it’s purring, it stops purring, and then, even though you’re still petting, it gets up and leaves. And you go and you grab the cat, and you put it back in your lap, and you forcefully continue petting it, it doesn’t purr anymore at that point, because it doesn’t want to be there. And that’s basically what he’s doing with her.
YES! She is worth waiting for, if she honestly returns. But my thoughts also tell me that her healing may not direct her to come back.
So what if she doesn’t? If you behave the same way you did in the beginning, where you weren’t even focused on a commitment, or or being with her, or trying to lock her down, she was the one trying to lock you down. That’s the vibe, and the mindset, and the place you need to get back to.
I stood by her and told her I’d wait, because I love her and want what we’ve always sought for in TRUE love together.
Again, you cannot talk a woman into your vision of your relationship. She has to feel it. They don’t care about how much of a great guy you are or how much you like them. They only care about how they feel about you.
We also have an agreement for which, if I ever need her intimately, I could come and turn to her, and she’d fulfill my romance needs.
So, booty calls on demand. But you’ve got to let her come to you, dude. You’ve got to stop trying to force yourself into her life. And stop being so fearful, or you’re going to lose her.
She doesn’t want me going anywhere else. With that in mind, I decided to stay in and wait. Currently we have contact, but I’m giving her the space that she’s asked for to also heal.
Again, “Oh, she spends time with me. Oh, she pays attention to me.” Look at his mindset.
We communicate by phone and I’m able to go visit her, but she doesn’t initiate in seeing me. Though, she keeps in contact through phone calls/and video messaging every other day to every 3 days. We meet up for a dinner date/hang out/hookup once weekly, sometimes every other week.
At this point, dude, let her do 100% of the pursuing. Because if you do that, you will put yourself back in the same vibe that you were when she met you. And then what you’ll notice is, as the weeks go by, she’ll want to see you more, she’ll text you more, and you’ll spend more time together. Because as “3% Man” says, if a woman reaches out to you, you should assume she wants to see you. Make a date, hang out, have fun, hook up.
We have plans to go to a cabin for Valentine’s day and hope to share a romantic time there. With the lack of connection and the true breakup of a relationship, I don’t know how long I should wait or if I should just turn and walk away. She is seeking/receiving help for anxiety healing as well
Thank you for your time. What do you suggest?
I think you should go hang out with your friends, your family, get back into your hobbies, your interests, go work out, and stop being so focused and worried about a relationship and locking her down, because you’re literally chasing her out of your life. It’s kind of like the salsa dance. If you ever notice, you’re letting her go, and then she’s coming back. And then, you’re close and you’re all on each other sexually and seductively, and then boom, she’s away again. And that’s the dance.
What’s happening is you’re letting her go, and as she gets a little too far away, you run after her, just like running after a cat. The cat freaks out and is like, “I’m out of here!” and it hauls ass. Let her come to you. Let her do 100% of the pursuing. Just simply make the next date. As I talk about in “3% Man,” your job is to create the next opportunity for sex to happen – to hang out, to have fun, to hook up. There’s nothing in there about a relationship or locking her down. Because every time you try to do that, she dips on you.
So, if you let her come to you like you did in the very beginning, what you’ll notice as the weeks go by, her interest will go up and she’ll start going, “Oh, my anxieties, it’s all better.” And in reality, you just gave her enough space to feel good about where she was and feel good about the two of you. And when she feels ready, she’ll pull you in like she did in the very beginning.
Second Viewer’s Email:
Hey there, Corey,
I love your videos and appreciate the work you do! About a month ago, I met a girl I had been chatting with on Instagram, of all places, for a very long time, (3 years on and off). I stumbled upon her profile on a dating app and sent her a message asking her out on a date. She agreed to come to my place and go out for drinks the next day. The date went fantastic and we had amazing chemistry. The night also ended up with us engaging in the indoor Olympics, and she stayed the night.
Over the course of the next 3 weeks, she gradually slowed down with responding to text messages…
So, what is happening? He’s over pursuing, just like the first guy was.
…to the point that I thought I had been ghosted.
Dating is like tennis. You hit the ball over the net, and you’ve got to wait for her to hit it back. If you keep sending balls over the net and she’s not responding, that shows neediness, that shows insecurity. That shows that you don’t value and respect yourself or your time. And if you don’t value and respect your time or your self, nobody else will either. You’ve got to pay attention to the effort that’s coming back and match and mirror that.
So, after this, I decided to just leave her be and cut contact for a week.
And just like the first guy, notice what happens then…
Then, last night out of nowhere, she messaged me to see how I was doing. I was at a gig at a local bar, and she suggested that she would come for a drink.
So, if she’s coming to where you’re at, what’s on her mind? As long as you don’t talk her out of it.
Mind you, this was at midnight, so I was thinking that she was interested in hooking up.
She was as long as you didn’t talk her out of it.
We spent the next few hours chatting and drinking, and there was plenty of physical contact and touching between us, and things felt as good as they were on our first meeting.
You should have kissed her then. Maybe there was kissing. I don’t know. He doesn’t say.
After this, we went back to my house and were snuggled up on the couch. She’s big on consent.
If you’re having to ask a woman if you can kiss her, you have no idea what’s going on. Because when a woman is ready to be kissed, you can employ the kiss test that’s in the book. And if you see the positive indicators that she is interested in kissing, when you go to kiss her she will kiss you back, I mean, you’ve already slept with this girl. She’s not some stranger.
And I asked her if it was okay for me to kiss her, to which she replied with something along the lines of “I’m just not feeling that way right now.” I was pretty taken aback by it, and she asked me if I was cool with her not wanting to kiss, and I said that it’s fine. When she left, I decided to ask her if everything was okay…
It’s a bad way to go.
…and if she just saw me as a friend…
Again, this is not what you do. I don’t think this guy has read my book at all.
…to which she replied, “No, you’re not just a friend.” Do you think she’s possibly playing games?
No, I think what it is is you don’t have any game, and you can’t recognize when she’s ready to be touched and kissed and when she’s not. And that’s why you should read the book 10 to 15 times and actually learn what’s in there. So, when the signs are there, you can kiss her and pull her in closer to you without any worry of rejection.
The fact that you’re asking permission, I understand the consent thing, but if you’re asking that, that tells me you don’t have any sensory acuity and you cannot read women, You’re not looking at her body language, and you’re unable to tell where she’s at. Plus, when you’ve already slept with a woman like this, and then you’re saying, “Hey, can I kiss you?” that doesn’t sound very confident.
Women love guys with confidence. That’s the number one, most attractive thing to women in men, is they like guys with confidence. It doesn’t mean you force yourself on her, but if you’re cuddling on the couch and she’s next to you, and you’ve been close like that, and you do the kiss test on her, and she’s looking at your lips while you’re doing it, it’s not going to be an issue.
I’ve never had a female act so interested and then not want to kiss. I’ve spoken to my female friends about this too, and they’re baffled!
Well, of course they’re baffled, because most women don’t understand how attraction works.
Any help is greatly appreciated!
Well, if you look at the fact that she’s been backing away and the fact that you did nothing and all of a sudden she reached out, then I would do the same thing. I would do nothing. Just like the first guy, because of where you’re at and how she’s responding, I’d let her do all of the pursuing.
I’d just wait to hear from her. And then when you do, make a date. Hang out, have fun, and hook up. That’s what I would do if I were you. Because it’s obvious that when you made some progress, you started overpursuing, and then she backed off. As soon as you stopped moving forward, she came back to you. And that’s what you want.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur