She Doesn’t Know What She Wants Anymore?

What it means and what you should do if your girl says she doesn’t know what she wants anymore.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who claims to have read 3% Man, 20 times. His girlfriend of two years just broke up with him after saying that she doesn’t know what she wants anymore and doesn’t know if she wants a relationship. They were about to go spend the weekend with her parents. So he packed his stuff and left, telling her to get in touch if she changed her mind and that he will always love her.

He hasn’t spoken to or heard from her in a week. He did say he noticed her interest was dropping over the past few weeks, but did nothing about it. Now he is single and doesn’t know why. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Part of the problem being a coach and doing this, the emails are harder, obviously, than when I’m doing a phone session with somebody, because when I’m on a phone session with somebody, I can ask them a specific questions. Because, deep down, a lot of times the guys know what they did wrong, but they try to say, “Oh, it wasn’t me.” It’s just, “maybe she’s a little crazy, a little weird.”

The guys in the red pill community are like that, “All modern women suck,” it’s not their fault. They just make videos complaining about women. I see them come to my YouTube channel and they complain like, “It’s always the guy’s fault, Corey.” Well, the man is the one that wrote me an email, and he’s asking me to critique his game on what he did right and what he did wrong. And so, that’s what I’m doing. And these guys are used to watching channels all day, where they complain about single moms and complain about modern women, and they come to me, and I’m pointing out what these guys are doing wrong, (which is what they’ve asked me to do to help them), and then they get upset, because they’re used to seeing, “Oh, it’s all the girl’s fault. It’s not your fault. You’re great.”

So, this is an important email. You’ve got to pay attention. The courtship never ends. And the thing to keep in mind when we get to that part is that when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs close. And so, the legs were closing on this guy more often than not, and especially towards the end. And then he kind of acts like he was shocked that he got dumped. That’s part of the hard thing about these emails is he’s trying to present an image of, “Hey, I did everything right,” but the truth is embedded in the email. It makes things a little more difficult on my part, but it makes it kind of fun because then I can point it out to you guys. Because then, you can go and you can hang out with your friends, and if they’re having similar problems, then you can cut right through their BS as well. Because it doesn’t serve anybody or help anybody to blow sunshine up their butt.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

Firstly, thank you for all the help that you do. I have listened to your audio book at least 20 times, (no joke). I was with my ex for almost 2 years. It truly was a healthy relationship – no fighting, nothing toxic.

That sounds reasonable. It sounds nice. Remember, you want a woman that’s easygoing, easy to get along with, communicates well.

I did notice that her attraction level was dropping. The I love yous, couple picture-taking and sex slowed down.

So, if the sex is slowing down and she’s not as open to it, then what that tells you… remember, it’s right out of the book, if a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open. And if you’re doing what is in the book consistently, your girl is going to be stuck to you like a sucker fish. She’s always going to be with you. And what typically happens is the girl is going to be wanting sex more than the guy does, especially after being together for awhile.

And so, this tells me he’s wanting to have sex with her when she’s not down for it. And that tells me she doesn’t feel heard and understood. And also, he’s not paying attention to the fact that she’s not warm and receptive. And the book lays out specifically, explicitly, what a woman does to extend her invitation that touching is appropriate.

And so, if a guy is continually trying to seduce his girl and getting rejected, it’s either 1) she doesn’t feel heard and understood, and 2) he’s probably not dating and courting her properly. Simple as that. So, the fact that he’s getting rejected in sex tells me that the girl doesn’t feel heard and understood. Because if she did, the legs would be open all the time, anytime – full access like 7-11, open 24/7.

But I did not chase or become needy.

So, he noticed that she wasn’t as into him. Instead of going, “Hey, honey, you seem a little distant. You seem a little cold. What’s going on? Are you okay? You’re not as warm as you used to be. What’s going on?” You’ve got to ask these things. You can’t just go, “I’m a zombie. At least I didn’t act needy or I didn’t chase her.” You noticed, and the book points out, her interest is dropping and she’s no longer doing things that she does when she’s in love, and then you’re just like, “Oh, I didn’t act needy or chase her.”

There’s a problem in your relationship. You’re trying to have sex with your girl, and she doesn’t want to have sex with you. You don’t just ignore her and pretend like everything is fine. That’s why the book is written that way. That’s why the attraction table is in there, so when you recognize that her interest is dropping, you do something about it. You don’t just turn into a zombie and spin around and go, “Oh, well at least I’m not chasing or acting needy.” You’ve got to say, “Babe, what’s up? You seem a little distant.” You don’t just pretend like everything’s fine, sweep it under the rug and go, “It’ll be all right.”

She still initiated the contact 90% of the time and everything still felt okay.

Well, how could everything still feel okay if she’s not into having sex, she’s not saying, ‘I love you’ as much, and you notice her attraction’s dropping? That’s not feeling okay. That’s you ignoring reality. And you can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality. If your girl is showing less interest in you, you need to figure out what’s going on, and why she’s cold and why she’s distant. And that’s where communication comes in. “How to Communicate with Women Effectively” –I did a video on it. He noticed she was distant and he didn’t change his approach. He just turned into a zombie and pretended everything was fine. He was bullshitting himself.

This past weekend, I took her out on a date as usual, and the following day we agreed to drive upstate to visit her parents for the weekend, (which we usually do every couple months). Monday night, (the one night I stay at my parents’ as it’s closer to my work), she messaged me that her mum said it was all okay, and she even asked how I was feeling, as I had a head cold. She also sent me a funny meme, we then wished each other a good night, and all was good.

But all can’t be good, because she’s not as interested in sex as she used to be. She’s not as warm. She’s not saying, ‘I love you,’ and he’s just ignoring it. Ignoring the problem does not make it go away. Pretending everything is fine when it’s not is not going to solve it.

Then the next day, I arrived at her house after work, sat down and she turned to me and said that she “doesn’t know what she wants anymore.” I said to her, “So, why don’t we work on things?” and she declined, whilst she was in tears, and said, “I don’t know if I want a relationship.”

So, what that means, I’m going to translate that for you. “I don’t know if I want a relationship.” As Doc Love would have described it, he said, “This is womanese for ‘I don’t want a relationship with you anymore because I’m not feeling it.” “My pussy feels drier than the Sahara Desert when I’m around you. Therefore, there’s no chemistry or no spark. I’m not excited to see you anymore. And so, I want to see if I can find somebody else that I want to have a relationship with.”

So, I said “I understand.” I packed my stuff, gave her a hug and said, “I love you, always will, and if you change your mind, give me a call.”

Great communication there, bud.

I know what to do. I’ve been in no contact for a week.

“I’m a robot now, Corey. I must act like I don’t care.”

I haven’t heard anything from her, and she deleted all our photos together on her social media.

That’s not good. When he first gets there, he says, “The next day I arrived at her house after work, sat down, and she turned to me and said she doesn’t know what she wants anymore.” I’ll translate that, “I don’t know what I want anymore, but I do know that I don’t want to be with you.” That’s what she’s saying. She’s communicating based upon what she feels.

And remember, this guy saw that her attraction was dropping and what did he do? “Oh, this is fine. This is okay. I just won’t chase or act needy.” You’ve got to communicate, dude. Communication is essential in a relationship. If you notice, your girl is distant, you’ve got to ask her why. You’ve got to open her up. It’s part of the book. You can read the book 20 times, but if you don’t do what the book says…? You’ve got to participate in your own rescue.

What I’m so confused about is how can she go from organizing a weekend away to visit her parents and sending me funny memes, to breaking up within 24 hours? I’d appreciate your opinion.

Kind regards,

Bob

She was going through the motions. She wasn’t into it. You could tell she wasn’t into it, and yet you just pretended like everything was fine. You said it “felt okay.” It felt fine, but your radar is going off, going, “She’s not saying ‘I love you’ as much. She’s not into sex.” You’re getting rejected when you try to initiate it.

Maybe you read the book 20 times several years ago, but communication doesn’t sound like it was happening at all. Like you would just go pick her up, and hang out and hook up. The having fun part, the communication part, the talking part, letting her do most of the talking, opening her up, it’s like somewhere along the way over the last two years, there was nothing. You just weren’t paying attention to the signs.

You’ve got to communicate. You can’t just ignore problems in a relationship and assume it’s going to fix itself. You know, I saw my dad doing that. When my mom became mentally ill and then she would go off her medication, my dad would just pretend like it wasn’t happening. I was like, “Dad, mom’s going crazy. Why don’t you do something about it?” “Oh, huh?” as he drank beer and then went back to watching sports, hoping the problem would just work itself out. Eventually, she kicked him out. But you just can’t ignore issues when they come up, and pretend like everything is going to be fine, and then act shocked when you get rejected.

Her interest is dropping. And so, it’s easy to just say, “Oh, this is a shock that came out of the blue.” It’s like, as her attraction dropped, she got to the point where her feelings were basically gone for you. So, on a scale of 1 to 10, attraction-wise, she’s probably sitting right between a 4 and a 5. So, if she’s a 4-5, and then she says, “I don’t know what I want anymore,” what she’s basically saying is, “I don’t want a relationship with you.”

So, at this point, you told her to get in touch if she changes her mind. I would say there’s a good chance, a 50/50 chance she reaches out, and then you’re going to be following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” But you’ve got to open women up, man. You can’t just pretend like everything is okay when you notice she’s not interested in sex and go, “Oh well, maybe better luck next time.”

If she doesn’t want to be close to you, you better open her up. That’s an essential part of what’s in the book. And if you don’t do it… you know, they were together two years. This didn’t happen in a couple of weeks. What happened was the longer they were together, it sounds like he probably got into a routine. Maybe he just went out with her once a week.

You know, I’ve had a couple of phone sessions in the last week where guys were like that, dating a girl for over a year and they only see each other once a week. And she’s not doing all the things that a normal girlfriend would do – never brought up exclusivity, not boyfriend/girlfriend, after a year of dating. And then if they’re just getting together and hooking up like once a week, basically they’ve got a friends with benefits. And the reason the girl still hangs out with them is because the sex is good. But other than that, other than the sex, there’s no dating.

Some of them, it’s like there’s even no kissing going on. One of the guys I was talking to recently, I was like, “You’re her fuck buddy. You’re the guy she calls when she wants to get laid. Because you’ll come over, you’ll give her a proper seeing to, and then you’ll leave. There’s no dating, there’s no doing anything in public. You’re just a fuck, buddy, that’s it. And obviously you’re a good fuck buddy, because she likes having you come back.

But if you’re going to be in a relationship with a woman, you’ve got to care for her. That’s part of being in a relationship with her, because you care. You don’t treat her like a friends of benefits that you’re cool with just seeing and hooking up with occasionally. It’s like, if you’re in a relationship with somebody, it’s because you genuinely like them as a person. You genuinely want to hear what they’ve got to say.

And to be in a relationship for two years, these things happen slowly, and so I would say, more than likely, he got lazy. He probably got into a relationship, hadn’t read the book in a couple of years, and over the 24 months or so that they were together, he just basically reverted back to a lot of the same behaviors that he displayed before. And he kept lying to himself saying, “Everything is fine, this is fine. Oh, she’s not saying ‘I love you’ anymore. Oh, she’s not really that interested in sex anymore, but I’m sure that’s fine. Maybe it’s just a phase. It’ll pass,” then you rationalize it away. And then, all of a sudden he’s like, “Oh, she broke up with me out of the blue!”

It’s like, man, it was coming. It’s like the train coming down the tracks, and you’re sitting in your car drinking your coffee going, “Yeah, I’m sure the car will start in a second. I’m going to finish this sip. Oh, that light’s getting really bright. I’m sure it’s fine. Oh, the train’s a little close!” I mean, you did to yourself. You can’t just sit there and ignore reality. You can ignore it for a period of time, but the consequences, like you found out, will catch up with you.

So, if I were you, I’d be reading “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” I’d be going back through the book. I’d watch the video, “How to Communicate with Women Effectively.” And if she does reach out and you set a date, and she comes over to make dinner at your place in the evening, you can open her up properly and find out what the hell was really going on. Because you were vague, and you basically wrote this email with, “Hey, I didn’t do anything wrong, Coach. Everything’s fine. I noticed her attraction was dropping, but I’m sure that was okay.” It’s not okay. If the attraction is dropping and you just sit there and ignore it, eventually you’re going to get dumped, just like this guy did. So, don’t wait until it gets this bad.

If you notice the attraction is dropping in your girl and you don’t know what to do, read the book. And if you’re still struggling, because your emotions are all wrapped up in it, then I would book a phone session. Don’t wait until after the breakup. It’s a lot harder to put things back together when it gets to this point. It’s much easier when you’re still in the relationship and you’re just not getting along, or she’s not as warm as you are. He’s taking it as, “We’re not fighting, so everything must be fine.” Well, she’s cold and distant. That’s not fine.

So, if you need my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.