She Dumped Me. Should I Break No Contact?

Why you shouldn’t break no contact when you were the one who got dumped.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped unexpectedly by his ex-girlfriend of 1 year. He tried twice after getting dumped to reconnect, but she told him no. Since he came across My Book and has realized the mistakes he made that led to his getting dumped, he is wanting to reach out and break no contact again since he has seen her at work and the gym a few times recently. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, “She Dumped Me. Should I Break No Contact?”

Well, if you got dumped, and you got pushed away or you got blocked, whatever happened to be, you got rejected, and you’re in No Contact. Then no, you should not be breaking No Contact. What’s going on is The Illusion Of Action is kicking in. And as a man, because we’re driven to succeed, accomplish things, break through barriers, overcome challenges, this is just natural and innate to us guys. We think, “We’ve got to fix things.”

But in this particular case, especially when it comes to attraction, you don’t try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you. If they’re not trying to work things out and they’re just pushing you away. No amount of begging and pleading, and running after her, and chasing after her, and calling her every few weeks, and hoping that she’s changed her mind is going to make it work.

The only the thing is going to give you the best possible chance to re-attract somebody after they pushed you away and ended the relationship unilaterally, is number one read in 3% Man, and applying it. And getting better and becoming more attractive as a man. So if the ex does reach back out, you’re not going to be so quick to want to jump back into a relationship or give her another chance, because quite frankly, you’ve improved your game, you’ve improved your skills, and you’re now able to attract, in greater quantities, better quality women than you’re used to.

And so, if you’ve got several choices and several options with women who you have a totally clean slate with. That’s a much better place to be in from a position of leverage. Because if you break up with a girl and you go no contact for a few months, but you don’t read The Book, you don’t date anybody new, you don’t talk to anybody new, you’re basically the same guy that she dumped the first time around.

And most guys never go away until they get blocked or they get a restraining order in a lot of cases. And so, in this particular case, if a couple of months go by, and you’re in no contact and she reaches back out, you haven’t gone on a single date, haven’t talked to a single girl, haven’t read The Book, you haven’t improved your game at all. All she’s going to find is everything that turned her off about you the first time. You’re going to quickly turn her off for exactly the same reasons.

So number one, you need to become aware of what you’re doing that’s unattractive, and turning her off. It’s not just her, but it turns women in general off. Because the idea is if you go no contact, you’re recognizing that a deal is not possible right now. What you want and what she wants is too far apart. You want sex and romance. She says platonic friendship. I’m not interested.

And you say, “Well, I’m not going to be your gay male girlfriend or your emotional tampon, or your therapist or your male orbiter. I’m not going to come over and unclog your toilet or check the air pressure in your tires, or change the oil in your car. I’m just not doing any of that stuff.” You’re moving on. Because she says, “I don’t want a relationship with you.”

It’s like, “Okay, well, I’ll go find I’ll find somebody with enough time. I’ll find somebody who’s better, who’s younger, who’s hotter, who’s more attractive as a better attitude. And I’ll have a relationship with her down the road, because you obviously don’t value what I have.” Not that you’re going to say all these things to her, but this should be your mindset. This should be the place that you come from.

She has to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. And this particular case, this guy’s ex-girlfriend broke up with him four months ago after a year of being together. And he even tried after she dumped him, he reached out a couple of times to try to get her to meet up, and she’s just like, “No.” And now a month has gone by or a couple months have gone by. And so, he says he’s run into her in the gym and at work a couple times, and she’s nice.

But now he’s thinking, “Oh, I’ve read The Book, I can fix things.” And he wants to start pursuing her again because he’s trying to prove himself to her. He’s trying to say, “Hey, look at me. I’ve changed. I’m a better, more attractive man.” That should not be the place that you come from. The place that you come from should be. Just go and do that. Your attitude should be, “Hey, don’t try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you.”

Go where you’re celebrated, not where you’re tolerated. And if she’s willing to let you go, then the only way she can get you back is if she comes after you and has changed, and has promised to treat you the way you want to be treated. And make any necessary changes that she needed to make. Maybe she had behavior that you weren’t really down with. So she should be the one. Because she unilaterally ended the relationship. It’s up to her to fix it.

And so, when she taps out that way and you’ve reached out a couple times, in essence begging and pleading with her and she’s like, “Nah, no way.” Then that’s it. The book is closed, the negotiation is over. It’s like if you go to buy a car and the dealer is like, “Ah, I want 25,000.” You’re like, “Well, I’m not going to pay 20. That’s all I got.” And they’re like, he said, “Okay, well, call me if you change your mind.” You don’t call back a week later and go, “Hey, we sold the car for less.”

It’s like, no, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. She didn’t want to keep you. I mean, think about it. How demeaning is that to yourself? If she doesn’t like you enough, love you enough, value you enough to go, “You know what? What a good dude he was. I really should change the way I treated him. I really should be better to him. And I’m going to do whatever it takes to fix our what problems we had in the past so it never happens again. And we live happily ever after.”

If she’s not in that place, then fucking let her go on down the road. You know, it’s like the Tom Petty song, Good Love Is Hard To Find. If I don’t take you all the way, then go. If you think you can do better than me, then go. But remember, good love is hard to find.

Viewer’s Email:

My ex broke up with me about 4 months ago after almost a year together. I reached out twice in the first few weeks, and she declined to catch up.

So, she didn’t want to, she was done. She tapped out. Like when a woman leaves, at that point, on a attraction scale wise, on a scale of 1 to 10, her attraction is at like a four or a five. She’s out. And so, when she broke up with you, she was done done. Her feelings were gone. She didn’t really care anymore. And so, you know, that’s why it’s shocking to a lot of guys that they don’t take the girl seriously, or her complaints seriously, until the breakup happens.

And then they want to get back together with her. And the next thing they know is she’s hanging out and fucking some other guy., And it’s shocking. It’s like, how did she get over it so quickly? Because she stayed until her feelings were gone. And then when she left, it was like, she really didn’t care. And so, you don’t try to get somebody back who just doesn’t give a shit.

You just let them go forever. That’s what “No Contact” means. It doesn’t say No Contact with exceptions. It just says No Contact means No Contact. It means a deal is not possible. What you want, and what she wants, you’re just too far apart. It’s not going to happen.

The last time I messaged her I told her to let me know if she changes her mind. She thanked me for being understanding. This was the last time we have texted.

And it should be the last time you will ever text as long as you live, unless you hear from her next. That’s the bottom line.

I’ve bumped into her a few times at work and at the gym. The last couple times I have seen her at the gym, we have chatted for a little bit.

Well, just as long as she comes over to you. If you see her and you make eye contact, wave, smile, go about your business. Don’t go talk to her. She can come over to you. Remember, she ditched you. She blew you off. You tried to work it out, and she was like, “No.” I was like, “Okay, well, I’m not going to give you any more of my attention or my time. I’m going to only give that to women who appreciate and value me and who are nice to me.”

The most recent time she initiated the conversation, and there was lots of smiling and laughing etc. I always kept it.

Because if you think about it from this perspective. If you’re a man who’s in a relationship, if you’re married, if you have lots of girlfriends, if you have a girlfriend, if you’re very happy, what are you going to be? What’s your attitude going to be if there’s a cute girl in the gym talking at you, and you’re laughing, and smiling? It’s not going to go any further than that.

You’re not going to ask her out. You’re not going to ask for her number. Even if she hints at maybe going out or that you should ask her. I say, “Hey, I have a girlfriend.” So you’re going to be giving off that non hungry vibe. That’s why guys always experience when they’re in a relationship. Girls hit on them left and right, but as soon as they become single, it’s like they all disappear.

It’s because the vibe that you’re giving off. And so, if you were tired of fucking her, if you were bored of her, if you had seen everything she had to offer, and based upon her previous efforts, you’re like, “yeah, I can do better than this.” Then no, you’re not going to try to get back together with her. You’re not going to call her. It’s got to be up to her to earn another chance with you, not the other way around, dude.

I always kept it short and went back to what I was doing.

That’s perfect and that’s what you should be doing. This is detailed. This strategy is detailed in my Article and Video, 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.

She has also seemed more warm and happy towards me in passing at work when she was initially quite cold after the breakup.

Yeah, because if you’re getting laid and you’re having a good time, you’re going to be nice, you’re going to be friendly, but you’re not trying to go out with her. You’re not calling her, you’re not texting her. But you notice that she’s becoming warmer to you. And it’s your inaction if there’s any kind of chance at rekindling things, she’ll reach out. But I promise you, if you start pursuing her again, the same thing will happen.

You’ll just spin your wheels and you go nowhere. And then you’ll be having blue balls. And plus what happens? It takes you out of the game. It messes up your thing, because then you start thinking for the next few weeks that, “Well, maybe there’s a chance we get back together. I don’t really want to talk to anybody new, because I want the ex back.”

I was like, “No, until her attitude changes. Until she’s like, ‘I made a mistake. I’m sorry. I was too harsh. I was so selfish. What was I thinking?'” Unless you hear shit like that it’s like, [shakes his head.] “Sorry for being a bitch, I was selfish. I totally took you for granted.” You don’t hear shit like that. It’s like, “Goodbye.” You’ll never speak again.

I was looking at social media, and noticed that she was liking lots of reels and posts by a female content creator on the theme of detachment, no contact and self love.

Yeah, one of the things in his title was like, “What if we’re both in No Contact? What do I do?” I was like, Bro! She’s like, “I don’t want you no more.” You never try to keep somebody doesn’t want to keep you. She knows you liked her. She knows you wanted to work things out, but she was unwilling. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And so, when you see her and you interact with her in the gym and you’re friendly, but you don’t ask her out, you don’t hit on her, you don’t text her, what’s she going to think?

“He sure wanted me back in the beginning. But now he doesn’t seem to care. He’s nice. He must be fucking somebody else.” And women, this is a fact of life, women will like you more if you’re popular with other women. Especially if they think, or they know that you’re fucking other women who are way hotter than they are. Scarcity creates value. And she let you go because she didn’t appreciate you, or value you. So, until her attitude changes it’s like, no, that’s it forever. Your pursuit of this woman is over for as long as you live.

So, unless you hear from her, you’re never going to speak again. You’ll be friendly if you see each other out in public. But you’re not going to go out of your way to talk to her. It’s just like you did the last time you noticed she’s become friendlier. And so, what typically happens in those cases? Say she’s friendly at the gym, and then you notice that she starts watching your Instagram Stories, and then she starts liking your posts. But you don’t reach out. You don’t do anything.

This is all detailed in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back and then she might start commenting on your posts. If she comments, you can just like her comment. And when you do that, it’s like it doesn’t give the conversation anywhere to go. So she has to be bolder. And typically what happens then, is she’ll either send you a direct message or she’ll text you. Or if you always use something like WhatsApp or Snapchat, or something like that, however she used to message you the most on, eventually she’ll reach out.

And if she does text you or send you a direct message saying, “Hey, how are you doing? What are you up to?” Then you assume she wants to see you. And make a date in the evening at your place to make dinner together. But until that happens, radio silence. Be kind, be friendly. Don’t go out of your way to talk to her. And as you live your life, as you seem to be totally indifferent, especially if you seem happier, then she’s going to think, “He’s definitely fucking somebody else.”

And if women have the perception that no girl wants you, none of them are going to want to fuck you. But if you’re just an average looking dude and women think all these hot girls are after you and fucking you, then you’re automatically more attractive to them and they’ll try hard to get you. I know it’s kind of screwy, but that’s the way they are. I didn’t make them like that. If you don’t like it, you can talk to the big man upstairs. I’m just here to tell you the lay of the land.

For context, there wasn’t a specific reason for the breakup, she just said she “Didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore.” After some reflection, I was definitely selfish and took her for granted during the relationship. I have spent a lot of the time after the breakup learning about relationships including reading your book multiple times.

I hadn’t spoken to her or texted her for over 3 months before running into her at the gym and still haven’t texted her. 

Good on you for maintaining radio silence. This is what No Contact is. No Contact means No Contact. It means no Birthday wishes. No Happy Groundhog’s Day. No Merry Christmas. No Happy Holiday. Nothing. She said, “I’m not interested. I don’t want to see you.” You tried to get together but she said, “I don’t want to see you. No.” It was like, she’s going to have to try really hard to make it clear she wants to see you.

I have been thinking that I should let her to reach out since she initiated the breakup and I had already tried and told her to let me know if she changes her mind.

Yeah, everything’s done. You did everything according to 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back that you can do. And so far, you’ve been great at that, and so, good, pat yourself on the back. Because I know that’s hard to do, especially when you were the one that got dumped. Because rejection breeds obsession. But what have you noticed? You’ve noticed her attitude has changed.

She went from being like cold and bitchy to now she’s warm and friendly, so maybe she is warming back up. Or maybe Chad Thunder Cock is beating up her pelvis. It really doesn’t matter. The important thing is, you told her nothing. And the other thing is that she noticed that you didn’t call, you didn’t text, you didn’t try to ask her out. You were friendly, but you, in essence, acted like a guy who was tired of fucking her.

And is appreciative of the time you spent together, but you’re not trying to get back together with her. How would you treat a girl if you were bored with her? You’d be nice. You’d be friendly. But you’re not going out of your way to talk to her or see her. You’re going to acknowledge her. You’re going to be sweet. You’re going to be kind. Because that’s just the way you are to all women. As long as the girl is nice to you.

I had also thought there wasn’t much chance of her coming back so I had placed all my focus on my work and the gym recently.

That is exactly what you should be doing.

I would like the chance to get back together with this girl.

Hold on a second. Time the fuck out, Dude. “I would like the chance to get back together with this girl.” No, as its detailed in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, she has to earn another chance with YOU, not the other way around. Completely different. It’s the opposite mindset of the way you’re thinking. The way you’re thinking is, “How do I get her to pay attention to me? How do I get her to like me?”

But if you see yourself as a prize and you see yourself as a catch and she stupidly let you go. Well, that’s on her for being stupid. It’s up to her to fix it. She pushed you away. You even reached out after the breakup, which you should have never done. But you did. And she was like, screw you. And all that did was further solidify to her that she made the right decision by breaking up with you.

That’s why you should have gone No Contact immediately after she dumped you and said, “Hey, call me if you change your mind.” But you tried it your way, it didn’t work. But you have noticed recently, especially the last time you saw her, she was much more friendlier. It could mean she’s warming up to you, but it also could mean she’s just getting laid and is happier now.

That’s why you don’t do anything. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And so, you didn’t show that you were interested in her, you just showed that you were nice and polite. You can be civil in public with your ex-girlfriend.

With me taking her for granted during the relationship, her liking all these posts and following that break up account as well as her change in attitude towards me lately, do you think I should reach out or stay in no contact?

Appreciate your work.

Much love,

Bob

Stay in No Contact. Her attitude has gotten better. How was her attitude when you were constantly doing what you were doing in the past, and when you tried to pursue her, even after she dumped you? She was cold. She was a bitch. And even those first few times you ran into her, she was still a cold bitch. And now three months have gone by and now all of a sudden, she’s nicer to you. And why would she be nicer?

She probably feels like she has to be nicer. It would be a good thing if you want something for somebody, you’re going to be nice to them. If you don’t respect somebody, and you don’t think they have anything to offer you, and you don’t value them, you’re typically not going to care. You’re not going to respect them. You’re not going to be as nice. Because you don’t feel like you need to be nice to them.

I mean, you should be nice to people because you’re a nice person. But, when you’re trying to understand human behavior and what’s really going on here, she’s warmed up. And that’s a good sign. But it doesn’t mean that she’s going to come back. It just means her attitude has changed a little bit. So this is why you’ve got to date other women, because you’ve got to get better. And if you have 2 or 3 other choices, and she does reach out and you go and you have dinner at your place, and you hang out, you have fun, and you hook up.

What will help keep you in the right frame of mind is the fact that you have got other choices. You got other options. So you’re not in a rush to get back together with her. Because again, what was his mindset? He said, “I would like the chance to get back together with this girl.” If you’re fucking three other women that are a lot more fun, that are younger, that are hotter. You’re not going to be going, “Gee. I want to get back together with this girl.” You’re kind of be thinking, “I don’t really think I want to get back together with her.

I kind of like things the way they are now. I kind of like these new girls I’m talking to. They’re kind of nicer to me. And they’re prettier. And they have a better attitude. Why would I want to go back to the ex? The only way I would give her a chance is if she completely changed her attitude, went out of her way to be extra nice to me, to show that she’s remorseful. And she realizes she fucked up and she let the best thing that ever came into her life get away. But so far she doesn’t have that attitude.

Her attitude is like, I’ll just find somebody else. Like, okay, good luck.” Because as men, quite frankly, as we get older and we become more successful, we can always date younger women. But it’s not the same so much for women as they get older. Yes some younger guys will hook up with them, but most younger guys are not going to settle down with an older woman. Especially if they want to have kids and a family. It’s just a fact of life.

That’s the harsh reality. It is definitely true that women have the leverage, and choice when they’re younger, especially when they’re in their 20’s. But as they get older, it gets harder. And for us guys, it’s harder when you’re younger because you don’t have your life together. You’re not masculine enough. You don’t know enough about life, and women, to keep the average woman really attracted to you. It’s not until you get older, and you get more competent that you don’t really have to do much, and women come out of the woodwork.

They come on to you. It really happens when you get your life together and you’re doing well, you’re fit, you’re in shape. You take care of yourself. You’re happy. You’re content with your life. You’re excited about your life. Because if you’re excited about your life and you’re having a good time, you’re going to smile a lot. You’re going to be happier and you’ll be more attractive. We’re all more attractive when we’re smiling and we’re having fun.

If you’re a guy who’s pissed off that he got dumped and you don’t really like drinking or partying very much, but you think, “Well, I got to go out because that’s where the girls are.” And then you go to a bar one night, you don’t really like drinking very much, and you’re sitting there in a corner with your drink in front of your chest. And you got your hand in your pocket and a scowl on your face like you’re not having a good time. Women are not going to come up to you because you don’t look like you’re having fun.

So go do things that make you smile. Go do things that are actually fun for you. Because that’s where and when you’re going to be most attractive. And you’re going to have other choices and other options. Women will feel that. They’ll sense that. They’ll come to you. They’ll put themselves in your orbit to make it easy for you to talk to them, and strike up conversations. So that’s how you need to handle it. No Contact is permanent, especially in this case, Dude. She’s got to reach out to you. Again, you tried it your way.

You reached out to her a couple of times after she dumped you, and you got nowhere. And if you noticed, her attitude has gotten better. But you need to get better. And that’s why you’ve got to date other women. You got to read what’s in The Book. And so, if she does reach out, maybe she reaches out in a couple of months. Maybe she goes out on a few dates with a couple of guys and you’re just like, “These dudes are total assholes. They’re total douchebags. You know that?

That old guy, Bob, he was, man, he really was a good boyfriend. What an idiot I was. I should have been more patient with him. I should have been more accommodating. I should have been more understanding. He really was a good guy. I hope he’s still available.” And you want her to find a more confident, more peaceful, more relaxed, more masculine guy. Because that’s what’s going to attract her back to you and keep her attracted long term.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.