She Used To Be All Over Me. Now She’s In No Rush To See Me. Why?

What to do when women seem to lose interest in seeing you in person.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who was hooking up with a hot co-worker. She was all over him for a few weeks, staying over and hooking up in their cars at work. Lately, she’s been canceling dates and seems to be in no rush to see him. They also have a planned trip coming up.

He’s unsure of what to do now. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, I think probably majority of men who have found themselves on my website and YouTube channel over the years, that’s usually something that happened that caused them to seek out my work in the first place.

So we’ve kind of all been there and experienced this. Things are going real well. She’s all over you, wants to come over, stays the night, hook up, calling you, texting you, feels like something out of a Disney movie. Then all of a sudden she becomes less available, is unsure when she’s going to see you next. Then she might start canceling plans or being difficult to make plans with, and the guy is wondering, “Well, how do we get back to where we were just a few weeks ago? What is going on? What causes that?” So that’s the situation this guy is in. They also have an upcoming trip in, I guess, four or five days. They’re gonna go someplace for her birthday. She is still reaching out and seems to be counting down the days to them going, but he’s unsure of what to do now because she’s pulled back so much.

So you gotta understand, there’s a chapter in the book that talks about this. Women are like cats. So he obviously spent a lot of time together with her really quickly, but once she wanted to do some things on her own and hadn’t been as enthusiastic as she had been, he took it personally and thought there was something wrong. Like most of us do when we go into “I gotta fix this” mode, and the reality is just they get used to spending time with you. If you’ve ever had a cat or been around cats, they love hanging out with you for a while, sit on your lap purring, but after a bit they want to go do something else. If you try to keep them there or pick them back up and put them in your lap, they don’t like it too much. So cats are just kind of finicky. Like they can’t take it personally. It’s just the way they are. It’s kind of like the weather suddenly changing when you don’t expect it to. Feminine energy is chaos. That’s the way women are.

So when they seem like they want some time away or they want to go do something else, let them be. Be OK with it. As a matter of fact, most guys that have their fill of their women, they don’t have these issues, are glad to get the time apart because when a woman is in love with you, she wants your attention all the fucking time. She wants to be stuck to you like a sucker-fish. So when she’s not, you should be excited about that. Then you can go see your mom and do other things that are also important. Go to the gym, hang out with your buddies, play with your Star Wars collection, your stamp collection, your coin collection, or whatever happens to be, your little side trek in archeology or ancient history. You got to have things going on other than the girl.

When you get upset that she’s not as excited and you basically try to talk her or use logic and reason to lecture her into being as excited as you are, you’re not giving her the freedom to come and go because this is just something that happens with women. They need to go off and do their own thing and wonder what’s going on with you, where you at, who you with, how come you haven’t called, do you still care as much, because women need time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you, and for their feelings to grow. It’s a process that happens without us. It’s just the way they’re wired.

If you’re a man that’s centered and that’s got his life together, you’re not going to be bothered by that. Not only are you not going to be bothered by it, but you’re going to, again, like I was talking about earlier, be glad to have the time to do other things. A guy who presupposes the worst that he’s not going to get the love that he wants, then he starts chasing and pursuing, it’s like running after a cat. The cat freaks out and runs away, jumps over the fence, and then you don’t see it for a week. So you just got to let it be. Let them come and go. Don’t get upset by it. As Rumi said, “Sell your cleverness and purchase bewilderment.” Be amused by it. Be grateful. This is the way women are. Means you can catch up on other things.

Viewer Email:

Hey Corey,

I’ve been seeing a girl I work with, and things started off really strong. In the beginning she was very affectionate, wanted to spend time together, and would come over and stay the night. We would go out on our breaks as we work the night shift and multiple times hooked up in the car.

Over the past few weeks, her behavior has changed. She started canceling dates, became less available, and stopped wanting to come over.

So as the book says, if a girl cancels a date, then you’re not going to bring up getting together again. Even when she continues reaching out a few days later, she has to bring up seeing you. When she’s canceling dates, what happens is it means that usually the guy acted like a big mangina and got upset or got perturbed that she wasn’t as enthusiastic and he said, “We have to have a talk.” Probably got real serious about her about why her behavior changed, because he doesn’t understand this is how women operate. Then you get upset about it and it’s like, again, about as productive as getting upset that the weather changes unexpectedly, which is that’s the way it is. You can’t be perturbed. You can’t be bothered. Again, “Sell your cleverness and purchase bewilderment.” Be enchanted by this behavior. This is what makes women exciting, and they do unexpected things.

One of our six human needs is the need for uncertainty, and women definitely can give us that. So you got to be OK with the uncertainty and excited about it, because it makes you appreciate her more when she comes back. Especially when she comes back even more excited. It’s like, “Did you miss me?” “No.” “You didn’t miss me?” “I was busy. I had a lot of stuff to get caught by. I went and saw my mom, so that was great. You know what? It really is great to hear your sweet voice again and I would like to see you. I do miss you a little bit. Maybe. So let’s get together. When are you free?” “Well, I’m available now.” “Well, get your fucking ass over here. Let’s go eat. Let’s go do this. Let’s go do that.” That’s what happens. She’s the one that’s supposed to get unsure of where she stands with you, not the other way around. That’s part of what treating her like a bratty little sister is all about. She sometimes thinks, “Does he not care about me? Does he not like me as much?” Makes her like you more.

It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. At the end of the day, they like you way more if they think they’re more into you than you are into them. Unfortunately, in this guy’s case, he communicated the opposite, that he was way more into her than she was in him. Clearly, on multiple occasions, he didn’t even have to tell me that in his email. I could tell by her behavior that was what was going on. She got familiar and wanted to go do other things, and he was really bothered and upset by that. He’s been kind of grasping at straws and running after her. You gotta love in such a way that the person you love feels free, as Thich Nhat Hanh used to say.

She didn’t feel free. The more you chase, the more she ran away, and then the more you became uncertain, because again, I don’t think you’ve read the book. You probably knew. Maybe you’re just cherry-picking some videos, but the book would really help you chill out, inhale your anxious feelings, because you hang back and then you see the same pattern play out over and over and over again over the coming weeks and months that it’s laid out in the book, and you go, “Oh, well Coach said that is what happened, and she’s doing exactly that so I can chill out and go see my mother and do other things that are important that don’t involve her.”

Then when she hears that you’re having a great time without her, then she’s gonna maybe go, “You don’t like me as much. You don’t miss me as much,” which is what you want. They like it that way. Then they come to try to get your attention, and they show up with a tight fitting skirt, the nice cleavage, smelling like candy, and their hair looks amazing. They come over and you just forget about everything that’s going on. Then you seduce them and they’re like, “Huh, he does love me.” It sounds ridiculous, but it’s just the way they are. They’re meant to be chaotic. As a man, you can’t be bothered by it. If you are, they will make it worse. They will help to magnify those feelings so you toughen up.

It got to the point where I felt like she wasn’t valuing my time, especially after blowing me off multiple times.

So your mistake is continuing to chase her and try to make dates when she’s canceling and blowing you off. That shows that you don’t value your time. In other words, you put her above you. So if you treat her like a fan or treat her like a celebrity, she’s gonna treat you like a fan. That’s what happened. You stop moving forward, especially if you get a date canceled. Even with the date cancellation, you kept making dates and getting more canceled and probably getting more upset, which made her act more aloof and distant.

Because of that, I’ve been applying what you teach about not chasing and the “rejected twice, walk away” principle. I’ve stopped initiating plans and I’m letting her come to me.

Throughout this whole time she has done 95% of the texting and calling. But I have done about 95% of trying to arrange plans. When she would call I would try to arrange. But she made it harder and harder to see her.

So again, that’s when you notice that behavior. You recognize that, “Well, the cat’s kind of taking me for granted. So I’m going to give her some unpredictability. I’m going to be doing something else this weekend with my friends or whatever. When she wants to know what I’m doing, I’ll be like, ‘Oh, I’m doing this. I’m doing that.'” She’ll be like, “Oh, well when am I going to see you next?” Then she brings something like that up after she cancelled plans, then you say, “Well, when are you available?” “Well, I’m available tonight.” “Well, fucking get your ass over here!” Pretty simple.

We are also going on a trip to Orlando Universal for her birthday in five days…

Which is the exact reason why you should be just chill and not worried about it at all. You’re going to see her in five days anyways, and you got to be OK with that. You got to be excited about it. You’re giving her the gift of missing you so her interest can grow.

…Which we had planned when things were going better. She still seems excited for the trip and texts me a countdown but she has no rush to see me.

Well again, don’t ask to see her because you’re going to see her in five days anyways unless she brings it up first.

For context, the Orlando trip was entirely her idea.

Yeah, but her feelings were different back then. You started acting like a mangina, displayed too much unattractive behavior, and you dried her up, so she’s staying away. That’s why trying to pursue is going to be counterproductive and turn her off. She may even cancel the trip on you if her interest goes low enough. You know you’re going to see her in five days. You just need to chill the fuck out, dude.

She had been bringing it up for months and then asked me to go with her about a month before her birthday. Early on her interest was very high. She even prompted me to ask her to be my Valentine and we had a great night together.

So she was pursuing you. Then at some point when she pulled back, the power flipped, and then you became the pursuer. The men do have to pursue in the beginning, but women picked the ball up and run with it. What happened was she picked the ball up and ran with it and slowed down. Then you went and stole it from her and tried to run it across the finish line and you stole all her fun. So she resented it and put you in timeout.

So I know the attraction was there.

You got to look at, where is the attraction today? What are our actions today? Not what they were months ago, because again, a woman’s attraction is as valid as long as the weather report for the day is valid. Well, once the day is over, it doesn’t matter what she felt yesterday. Today’s a new day and she could be on her period and feeling completely different. So don’t take it personally. Feminine energy’s chaos. That’s the way they are. That’s what we like about them. They’re unpredictable.

Recently though, her effort has clearly dropped.

That’s why you stopped moving forward and match and mirror it, as the book says, but I don’t think you did. I think you were just cherry-picking videos, and I warned you not to do that, and you’re probably not listening. So you’re getting burned.

She has canceled plans, become inconsistent, and has not been prioritizing seeing me.

Well, because you don’t prioritize your time and you get upset and butt-hurt over her behavior, which is very unattractive. You should be undiminished by anything she does. It doesn’t mean you just ignore it and act like a statue or a robot and allow her to abuse you, but you don’t get upset because you haven’t heard from her, or she took a little bit longer to call or text you back than you expected.

She attributes some of it to a difficult family situation at home…

So this tells me he’s also asking her about it and she’s like, “Oh, things are tough at home.”

…Which I know is real, but regardless of the reason, her level of effort with me is noticeably lower than it was before.

You talking about it and going, “Hey, why are you so distant?” “Oh, I got a difficult family situation.” No, you dried her up and she doesn’t want to come over with a dry pussy. She wants to come over when she’s craving and missing you, and you’re not letting her do that.

My question is this: When she does reach out and suggests something like grabbing a drink, should I accept and meet her out?

You should accept and invite her over to hang out, have fun, and hook up, and then maybe go out for a drink after, or have a bottle of wine ready. As a man, you should be fucking prepared. You should have at least a couple of bottles of wine or some champagne laying around, some cocktails and some snacks for when the ladies come over. So you got to be prepared. Especially if you’re dating somebody, because you never know when she’s like, “Hey, I’m in the area, can I stop by?” He’s like, “As long as you don’t have any panties on, come on over.” That’s how you respond.

Or should I hold off completely until she clearly makes plans and shows higher effort?

I mean, her bringing up seeing you in person means she’s had enough space and is no longer confused, and her pussy’s a little moist and is hoping you will make it cum like a waterfall.

I know I’m supposed to tell her to bring a bottle of wine to my place.

Well, you should also have some.

How do I decline going out or group dates and instead get her back to my place.

Well, what does 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back say? Just say, “Hey, it’s been a long week. We’re going to be going away next week and I got a lot of stuff going on. I really just want to chill and have a glass of wine, look into your pretty eyes, hear your sweet voice, and catch up. So I don’t want to go and do any group dates or go hang out with all those people. It’s too loud. I just want to chill with you alone, my little cuddle bunny. So get your ass over here. Tell them we’ll see them after we get back from our trip.” That’s what you do.

Also, when we do meet up, how do I best handle it so that it naturally leads back to her coming over again, without forcing it or over-pursuing? I want to make sure I’m following your principles correctly without being too rigid or overthinking it.

Thanks for everything you teach. It’s helped me a lot already.

Bob

Well again, because of her behavior, if you’d have been a better student, you’d be better prepared, but in this case, when you got a trip in five days and she’s coming over or talking about coming over, then just invite her over. If she’s talking about seeing you and she wants you to meet her out or do a group thing, you’re not going to be able to fuck her when there’s a group of people around. At the end of the day, you’re probably a little thirsty by now and your balls are a little full. So you want to drain them properly. Obviously, practice safe sex accordingly.

At the end of the day, you’re going to negotiate better for yourself. The reason why you don’t want to meet her out or do this or do that is, it’s been a long week. You’re just the mood to hang at your place with her cute self. Other than that, if she doesn’t want to do that, then say, “Well, go out with everybody and have fun. Hit me up later. Maybe you can come by and if you play your cards right, you might even get a booty call.” Simple as that.

In other words, unless she’s willing to do what you want, let her be. She says, “Well, I really want to see all my friends,” I would be like, “Well, why don’t you go do that and call me later? If I’m still up, you can come over. If you play your cards right, you might just get lucky. Depends on how tired I am and how persuasive you are with your feminine sex appeal. I think you got a good shot, but we’ll have to see.” That’s how you handle it.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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