She Went Back To Her Ex. Should I Give Her Another Chance?

How to know if you should give a woman another chance if she goes back to her ex.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who was seeing a girl for about a month he met on Tinder. She didn’t use her real name or pictures in her profile. They met and started dating for about a month. She went on a company work retreat and when she came back she was distant. She admitted her ex was on the trip and they appear to have gotten back together.

He asks if he should give her another chance if she comes back. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

In this particular email, this guy met a girl on Tinder. What’s kind of interesting is the profile name was not her name and the pictures that she used were not her pictures. So I guess she disclosed this right away. They ended up meeting and then he dated her for about a month or so, I guess. Then she goes on a trip, a work retreat, and apparently he later finds out that her ex-boyfriend was there. Then he noticed she just like, starts fading away. He talks to her about it and she just kind of disappears, and now he’s like, “Should I even give this chick a chance if she happens to come back?”

So if you date long enough and you date enough different women, you’re going to come across lots of these cases where you meet somebody there in the middle of a breakup or just had a breakup, but they’re still talking to the ex. So it’s like when you really click and you really like them, do you get involved? Do you not? I mean, at the end of the day, when one door closes, another one opens. As I talk about in 3% Man, you should expect flaky behavior. You should expect hot and cold behavior, especially if the ex is still in the background, and you have to let women in these cases come to you at their pace. If you try to lock them down or get them to commit to you, they’re going to bounce. You over-pursue, they’re going to bounce. If you’re in the picture and the ex is in the picture and you pursue, you’ll chase her right back in his arms, but if you let her come to you normally, what happens is she tests the shit out of him. Most of the time the guy is going to flail around and make mistakes, and he’ll chase her into your arms, but it gets really hard when you really like her and you really care.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’ve been following your work (How to Be a 3% Man) for the past eight years and must have listened to the audio-book at least 15 times and I also regularly watch your newsletters.

Well, you should be going through the book at least once every six months, at the least once a year, just to keep things fresh, because every time you consume traditional movies and media and TV, you’re getting brainwashed whether you realize it or not.

It helped me tremendously in understanding relationships, and with which I also helped others, but I’d appreciate your insight on this specific situation.

I had been seeing a girl for a month. I’m 28 and she’s 24. We had met on Tinder, and she didn’t have her real pictures nor her name on there, but of some random girl, to which she warned me before giving me her contact info, and to only proceed if I was OK with it, but I was open to it since the conversation went extremely well.

In my opinion, maybe she’s trying to hide, she doesn’t want her ex to find her, but that’s pretty devious to not even put your own pictures on there, not even use your actual name. Again, that probably looks like she’s trying to hide from the ex. She’s trying to find somebody else so he doesn’t get upset about it. So it shows there’s some level of deviousness going on with this particular woman. Me personally, it’s like unless she was really hot and the pictures looked good enough, it’s like, man, it’s just starting a relationship based on a lie. That’s not a good thing.

Things started strong. We saw each other around eight times in one month and had great dates. We both felt like we had known each other for a year! I wasn’t that into her until the third date, all the while she was super affectionate, eager to see me, created a fantasy about me and often initiated contact every couple of days.

Well, that is normal and to be expected, and if they’re right out of a breakup, they’re going to be pretty hot and heavy and coming on strong oftentimes, and as soon as you find out there’s an ex in the background or say they ended a five-year relationship like two months before you met or a matter of weeks, you have to assume the ex is still around and it’s probably going to go back and forth. That’s why having some other options and choices would be really helpful, especially for you guys that haven’t mastered the book yet.

We’d spend long, evening dates together that went overnight, with great chemistry, fun times and frequent intimacy.

She also showed signs of deep interest and frequently expressed fears of me replacing her, as she’s been hurt before, often asking if I’m dating someone else, saying that she sees this long term and even started investing more in the final date (paying for meals on dates, etc.).

Sounds good. Saying a lot of things, could be a little love bombing going on there maybe, but talking about, “Oh, I see a future with us,” and then just to do a 180 or a right degree turn? Not good.

I maintained my center, avoided being needy or pushy and always led by setting dates when she reached out.

That’s what the book says.

However, after our final two-day trip date (Which went great and she complimented it), I made a small mistake. I had reached out first, within two days with pictures of that date for her to have (Which she usually requests herself), and then called two days after that to set up the next date. 

So he’s starting to over-pursue a little bit because he’s starting to like her. So now his behavior is starting to change. Instead of letting her come to him at her pace, now he’s starting to pursue.

She replied that she was busy for the following days (Note that she had never cancelled on me before and even skipped her class for me).

So in other words, I guess she had class and she blew it off to go on a date with him. That’s what high interest is.

After that, she is going on a four-day team-building event with the firm where she’s employed. We only spoke for four minutes and agreed to see each other after she came back. 

Well, if it’s only four days, why didn’t you just make a date?

Before hanging up, I said, “Watch out what ya doing,” to which she replied, “You too.” Yeah I know, the second it came out of my mouth, I simultaneously facepalmed myself, even though I didn’t mean it in an insecure way, I’m sure it came across like it.

Yeah, because what you’re basically communicating is now you’re starting to pursue more and reach out, you’re leaving dates up in the air, and now you basically told her that you’d be upset if she was dating or seeing somebody else, which communicates you’re focused on a relationship and locking her down instead of just casually hanging out, having fun and hooking up.

Again, this girl just broke up with her boyfriend. So that shows that you’re a little worried, you’re a little fearful, which is the opposite of confidence. So when you do something like that, you should expect to pull back. You should expect her to get a little confused, unsure, need some time or need some space.

I didn’t hear from her after that, as she was supposed to come home on Saturday, I called her the following Tuesday (One week since our last phone call). She didn’t pick up the phone after ringing for a solid 20 seconds, and I remembered the cat analogy from your book. Thus, I didn’t even leave a message as I’ve figured, it’s on her phone. If she wants to, she’ll call.

Well, I would have left a message. Sounded like she was a stranger. You guys had already been bumping uglies, but you could tell he’s just starting to get a little panicked here, freak out a little bit.

After giving her an additional seven days of space, I left a message: “Hey, I find this silence strange since we had so much fun together. In case you think there is something to be said, I’m open, if not it’s OK as well.”

Dude, what were you thinking? Why would you send something like that? So now what has happened is it’s clear she’s hanging out with the other guy, but when you communicate something like that, you’re showing that you’re butt-hurt, you’re upset, you call, you don’t leave a message and then a week later, you message her. That just looks like you’re starting to lose it.

She replied in an hour, saying she wanted to wait for the Easter holidays to pass and that she’ll call me the next day. She did and asked me: “How’s it going?” To which I told her, “Don’t know, you tell me?”

Bro… One little pullback and a fucking yard sale on the front lawn. Come on man! All these years you’ve been following me, that’s the best, what did he say? Was it eight years? Eight fucking years! And a girl that’s using fake pictures in her dating profile pulls back just a hair, and you just freak the fuck out and start saying and doing things, showing that you’re mad, you’re upset, you’re butt-hurt, you’re perturbed. Which is the opposite of confidence.

Lila is the best one so far. She’s not chewing my books up, unlike your little brother. Little shit…

All right, so back to our regularly scheduled email here.

She said that it’s not well at all and admitted that on the trip, her ex was there and proposed they give things another try.

So his little freaking out is really kind of all it needs, all it takes really, to send her right back into the ex, because you’re starting to come unglued here at this point. You’re getting upset, you’re acting weird, your behavior is changing, you’re no longer acting confident and mysterious, you’re butt-hurt. I love this comment here: “How’s it going?” I don’t know, you tell me! I’m waiting around for you to tell me what to do mommy!”

What’s up, Momo? Now they’re all here! Little Elon, Momo and Lila, sweet little Lila.

Bad way to go, my man.

She said she initially told him no, as she didn’t want to do that to me…

Ah. This is where, man, if he hadn’t behaved this way, he’d have made the date, if he had acted confident instead of getting butt-hurt and upset instead of assuming the worst because she initially was like, “Well, I’m seeing somebody else,” so she told him no, but when he starts kind of acting weird and getting upset with her, it makes it easy for her to go right back to the guy that she had more time with.

Even though you’re a month in and you’ve been hooking up with her and you spent a bunch of time with her, when you come unglued like that a little bit, that’s all it takes, because she’s got a lot of time in with the other guy. She’s emotionally bonded to him and not you. So if his game had been tight and he would have never done all this stupid shit, she might have still continued seeing him, but when he started behaving that way and freaking out a little bit, it made the decision for her pretty easy to go back to the ex and give him another chance.

Let me read that statement again: “She said she initially told him no, as she didn’t want to do that to me…”

…But that she now feels confused and doesn’t know what to do.

See, if you act like a bitch, women will treat you like a bitch. If you were acting confident and certain of yourself, she wouldn’t have been confused. So what she’s saying is, “You basically turned me off and lowered my interest, and now I’m actually thinking about going back to the ex.”

She also said it might take her a long time to decide. She also said she’s sorry for ghosting me, and that it wasn’t a good deed from her.

Well I mean, look how it started out. She had fake pictures and a fake name on her profile, yet you still went out with her anyways.

I kept it calm and told her that I’d still like to see her, but that this is a decision she needs to make herself, take time to think it through, and let me know if she wants to continue. I asked her to only reach out if she wants to get back to what we had…

Dude, your job is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen. In your mind, you’re in a relationship with her. In her mind, she’s just casually hanging out, having fun and hooking up, but you communicated that you clearly got attached, you got upset and you got butt-hurt.

Again, your game just totally came apart there at the end. That’s all it takes. Again, when the ex is back in the picture, if your game would have been tight, she probably would have honored what she said, she wouldn’t have been confused. When you started acting like a beta, it made her decision easy because again, women are attracted to strength, not weakness.

…And to not contact me for any other reason. I ended the call as I needed to get back to work, and it was a total of four minutes.

Since then, it’s been radio silence for a month and a half, though she liked my Instagram post and is one of the first people to watch my stories, but I muted hers.

Well, that was good for you to do that so you don’t have to see her stuff.

She appears to have deleted her dating profile on Tinder as well, which she didn’t while we were dating.

I’m already meeting and dating other women as I write you this email.

My questions are:

Since she is one of those girls who I just clicked with and we had instant chemistry, I have to ask you: (If) she comes back, is this someone worth giving another shot? Or is this situation already too compromised?

Well, I don’t like the fact that she put fake pictures in there, but it seems like everything else other than the fake pictures, at least from what you shared, looks like it was going well until you lost your lost your shit a little bit there. So there’s I would say there’s at least a 51% chance she’s going to come.Back.Here. So if that happens, I mean, you’re dating other women. You just treat her like one of the girls in your rotation because she clearly was talking to the ex. You don’t know what happened on the trip, but who knows? She probably slept with the guy in the trip or whatever, but she’s definitely sleeping with him now because it’s been a month and a half.

How would you recommend I proceed if she reaches out again? 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, with any additional advice?

No, I just follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Invite her over, hang out, have fun and hook up. Make sure she comes to your house for three dates in a row, let her do 100% of the reaching out, and then just make dates that can lead to sex. If all three dates go well and you hook up all three times, then you can meet her out and pick her up. You got to let her do all the calling, texting and pursuing. Your game looked like it was pretty good until there was a little bit of a pullback, and then you just couldn’t handle it. You didn’t deal with it well. You start seeing things coming out of your mouth and you’re going, “Why did I say that?”

Again, this is what happens. When you’re dating women that you don’t give a shit about, you’re going to do most things right. As soon as you really start to care and you’re not used to dating somebody you really care about, all your fears, your insecurities, your doubts, they come right to the forefront and you have to deal with them. That’s where knowing the book backwards and forwards really comes in handy. Guys that just kind of half-ass and thumb through the book, they just totally come apart. This guy’s been following me for eight years, probably been a while since the last time he went through the book. What’s happened is he’s forgotten a lot of stuff. So that’s probably one of the reasons why as soon as he felt a little bit of a pullback, he freaked out and just lost his shit because again, he’s been following me for eight years, read the book a bunch of times, but that was probably years ago, and he probably hasn’t cracked it in a couple of years at this point.

Again, all I can do is suggest and tell you what to do, the best way to put yourself in a position where you’re going to make the most of your opportunities, but you got to participate in your own rescue. If you’re not willing to do the things I suggest, hey man, it’s on you. Like I said, if I was a betting man, I would say if your game would have been tight, this wouldn’t have happened and she’d probably be your girlfriend by now, but because of this, your behavior and losing it, even though it was subtle, you made it real easy for her to go back to the ex. She’s still watching your story, so as soon as things go sideways with the other guy, I’m sure she’ll be back in touch. Then again, just invite her over, hang out, have fun, hook up, let her do all her pursuing. Don’t be calling her and then not leaving a message and then you don’t hear from her for a week, then call her and then leave a message. It’s just sloppy. Again, it just looks like you haven’t been through the book in a few years.

I’m serious about mastering these dynamics and creating healthy, long-term relationships.

Well, you got to get back to the book dude, because it’s probably been a long time since you went through it and you’ve forgotten things. You’ve gotten sloppy.

I just want to make sure I’m not rewarding flaky or low-integrity behavior…

Well, you did as soon as you agreed to meet the girl. Once she told you her pictures were not actually her pictures.

…But at the same time be prepared to not burn the bridge.

Thank you for your time and for all the value you provide through your work!

Best Regards,

Bob

Well I mean, where you’re at, you’re learning, so you should try to make the most of these opportunities. I’d be dating other women, and if she does come back, she should be the one to win you over, because once your emotions got engaged, it’s like as you said, you didn’t even really like her that much until the third date, but it’s like once you started caring, it’s like you really got exposed. You got exposed for the holes in your game. So you got into a high pressure situation and you folded like a cheap deck chair.

Get back to reading the book. I suggest once every six months you go through it twice a year. Especially if you’ve been following me for a long time because clearly reading it a bunch many years ago, you just don’t know it well enough. You haven’t mastered it. You you clearly haven’t dated enough women that knock your socks off, because it didn’t really take much for you to just completely lose it. So that’s what I would do if I were you, my man.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.