She’s Seeing Another Guy But Keeps Contacting Me. Why?

Why a woman will keep in contact even when she is seeing another man.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer whose previous email I answered in my video newsletter, 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back: Friend Zone Drama. She reached out after no-contact and ghosted him when he tried to set a date. Weeks later, she showed up at his house unannounced. She came in and they had wine, but she tried friend-zoning him again and told him she was seeing someone.

He is confused at to why she is doing this. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is kind of an update to a video newsletter I did a few months ago that was titled, 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back: Friend Zone Drama. So this guy, I think when I looked it up, I think he was 61 and the woman in question is like 42. He basically turned her off and got friend-zoned, so he went in to no-contact. Then eventually I think it was like three weeks later, she finally reached out. He tried to set a date and then she just didn’t even reply after that. A few weeks later, she texted him again. He didn’t try to set a date. He just said, “Hey, thanks for checking in,” because he was following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Last time he tried to set a date, she just blew him off, and that’s what had happened before.

Typically when a woman comes back that tried to friend-zone you, or maybe they got back together with the boyfriend, or they were dating you and another guy, but they were further along with the other guy and they get serious with that dude, you say, “Hey well, give me a call if it doesn’t work out or whatever,” and they do start to come back, but then you try to set a date and they won’t, they’re evasive or they avoid it. Like in this case, she just ghosted this guy and then weeks later reaches back out. They’re definitely looking for attention. They’re looking for validation.

The big takeaway is that the guy that they’re with, it’s not looking good. They don’t feel comfortable and safe that it’s going to turn into something. So they get back in touch with you to kind of warm you back up as a backup plan in case it doesn’t work out with the other guy. That’s why when you pick up on this, like in this case, he tried to set a date and she just didn’t even reply to the message, she just left him hanging, he doesn’t hear from her for three weeks. So when you see that kind of behavior, then you don’t even bring up getting together anymore.

As I say in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, you ask twice. If she reaches out, and in two different times she reaches out after she breaks no-contact, and both times she’s evasive, won’t make a date, tell you her schedule is busy or “Work is crazy” or whatever, like in this case, just doesn’t even acknowledge it or reply to it, then you stop asking. Then after that, when she reaches out, you’ll send no more than two to three text replies and just say, “Hey, I gotta run!” Or like in this case, he said, “Hey, thanks for checking in,” and one or two things will happen: They’ll either bring up getting together or they’ll stop contacting you. So he’s basically at the point where he’s not going to bring up getting together anymore. Then what happens is he comes home one night and she’s in his driveway writing a note to him, and then he invites her in. They hang out, but nothing happens. She tries to friend-zone him again, he says, “Friends with benefits.” She balks at that. So it’s a good email.

This is kind of similar to what I went through when I was going through, as I discussed in my book, is that even after the woman breaks no-contact, if she’s still involved with somebody else or it’s not completely resolved with the other guy or the ex, then they’ll get in touch, but they won’t make dates. They often won’t do anything physical with you because they don’t want to cheat, but they want to keep you warm, and they want to keep you lined up in the bullpen ready to slide in there in case things go sideways with Chad Thundercock.

So you just have to understand what’s going on, how to operate, what the woman is doing and what her motivation is. If you understand that, it’s like, “Oh, it’s really easy what to do.” Again, all these decades of doing this and teaching it and, prior to that, decades learn this shit on my own, the hard way is perfected what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. These things are in there, and they’re laid out that way for a reason, to keep women like this from jerking you around and wasting your fucking time.

Viewer Email:

Hey Corey,

Thank you Coach, for your many contributions to humanity. Without it I would have gone to the grave wondering why Mr. Nice Guy never got the girl. I still can’t figure out how you figured out all this out on your own and am grateful that you shared it with the rest of us.

Well, it wasn’t all on my own. I learned from some great people. People like Doc Love really helped me connect a bunch of dots and all the other people that I talk about in the book. Tony Robbins was a big help. It’s like I merged what I learned in self-help, in sales, in business, and took some of those skills and applied it to dating.

To refresh your memory, I wrote to you in April and you did a newsletter on it titled, 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back: Friend Zone Drama. You stated I was misapplying your 7 principles by setting open ended dates, which resulted in rejection. I also wanted to know if two possible scenarios that may occur would substitute for night dates or be another attempt at friend-zoning. The female in question is 20 years my junior with the body of a twenty-something.

I think she’s 42, if I remember right, and he’s like 61.

She has narcissistic tendencies and gets the attention of 8-10 male orbiters.

Well, we know you’re not going to get into a relationship and you’re not going to wife her up. She’s a friend with benefits, sex playmate. That’s it. Hook up buddy.

She most likely monkey branched for two months before ending it via a dubious, nonsensical text message. I don’t believe she was loyal, despite her denial, and I am having to accept she is not good girlfriend or wife material. However, I still want her on my practice squad instead of being on her beta male orbiter gay male boyfriend squad.

Well, that’s understandable.

THE UPDATE:

Still maintaining no-contact and three weeks after the botched date invites, she reached out on May 20th @ 6:52 p.m. and left this voicemail: “I was just calling to say hello and see how things are going. I didn’t know if you are working or what you were doing. Talk to you later. Hope you are doing well. Heard you have been exercising.”

That just deserves a text back. So what do we do? We assume she’s reaching out because she wants to see you. So you’re going to try to make a date. I can’t remember, he’d already probably done that in the past. I think she broke it off and tried to friend-zone him. He said, “No, thanks. Hit me up if you change your mind.”

This time, I was direct and responded at 8:13 p.m. via text: “Just got back. I’d love to see you. We should get together and make dinner this week. What’s your schedule like these days?” She didn’t respond and ghosted me for another three weeks.

So why would she do that? She’s reaching out wanting to know what he’s up to? The real reason for her, “Hey, what are you up to?” Is “Hey, are you still single? Do you still want to fuck me and date me?” That’s all she’s really looking for, and he obviously confirmed when he tried to set a date that he was but she’s still with the other guy, so poof! That’s why she disappears. She got the attention, she got the validation, but it’s still not over with the other guy. That’s why she did this.

On June 13th @ 9:17 p.m., she leaves this voicemail: “Hey Bob, it’s Jessica.”

Let me change these names here real quick for the girl. Gotta protect the innocent!

“I saw you the other day at the Stop ‘n Shop, wanted to say hey and see if you were OK. How is the garden doing? Guess I’ll see you around. Bye.” I responded via text @ 10:14 p.m., “Hey, I got your voicemail. Thanks for checking in.”

So in a normal circumstances, if it’s 9:00 at night and she’s texting you this, you just say, “Come over,” but things are kind of squirrelly with her. We know there was another guy she ghosted last time. So this time, he just said, “Hey, thanks for your voicemail,” because again, as soon as he asked her to get together, she didn’t respond for three weeks, and now she’s reaching back out. Why is she reaching out three weeks later? Because again, it’s not looking good with Chad, Thundercock or whoever the dude is she’s dating.

She ghosted until July 30th at around 6 p.m.

So this whole thing is like two months. It started in May and now we’re in the end of July.

I was pulling up to my house and she was in the driveway writing me a note. She saw me, got out and showed me the note. It said something like this: “Stopped by to say hello and see how you were doing, I was in the neighborhood. Hope you are doing well! Jessica.” She looked freshly made up with her hair, finger and toe nails professionally done that day.

Well if she was looking good, I would’ve said, “Well, come on in. Let’s have a glass of wine and catch up.” That’s an instant date.

She asked me how she looked…

I would be like, “You look great. You look even better if you were naked in my bed, but how have you been?”

…I complimented her and invited her in to share a bottle of wine. She said I looked good, my car looked good and the wine was good. She kept saying she had to go, but didn’t at first. When we were in close proximity, I briefly placed my hand on the small of her back as I walked by, but sensed her pull away.

So again, if she’s there, I’m going to go right for the kiss and kiss her on the lips. Like when she shows up, kiss her on her lips. If you try to, if she turns her head, then you know what that’s all about. The likelihood of things progressing are low. Again, she shows up looking hot, maybe she was hoping to see Chad Thundercock, but he wasn’t available. So you’re the second guy she decided to come by and go, “Hey, look at me.”

I then invited her for a ride in my 4×4, halfway up the trail she vaguely mentioned she was seeing this Bob guy. When we were dating, she admitted that she had had a fling with him in the past, he’s her age, and they have known each other for 10-20 years, but I rarely saw him nor did she mention him much, nor would she ever tell me his last name. I remained calm only to say, “I knew you had a thing for him. I could see it in your eyes.” She said she didn’t think he felt the same way.

So if she says, “Oh, I haven’t seen this guy, Bob,” then I would be like, “Well great. You know, if you’re dating Bob, it’s kind of inappropriate for you to be showing up looking beautiful like this and hanging out with me. You should be spending time with Bob. If it doesn’t work out with Bob, hit me up, because I’m not going to be your side piece. I’m not going to get involved with you if you’re dating this guy,” but we know she’s not loyal. At the end of the day, it’s still our job to hold women accountable and let them know what the standards are if they want to play in our world.

At some part of the evening, she started saying to me, “You will always be my friend,” To which I replied, “Friends with benefits works,” to which she balked. “Look me up if it doesn’t work out then,” I replied. She left around 8 p.m. with a glass of my wine and I haven’t seen or heard from her since. (I also heard through the grapevine that she and her son went with this Bob guy to St. Augustine during the 4th weekend)

1. In retrospect, I think she showed up at my house solely for attention and validation on her way to Bob Thundercock’s…

Probably.

…Or did I deal my self out of an opportunity for sex and romance?

Well again, what I would have done differently if she’s in my driveway writing a note like that, she got out of her car, I’d have gone up and kissed her on the lips and hugged her, “Hey, how you been?” And invite her in. “Let’s have a glass of wine. Did you come over for a booty call? What’s going on? You miss me?” “Oh, no. I just think of you as a friend.” I would be like, “Well, I’m down to maybe be friends with benefits, but I’m not going to be just your platonic friend.”

2. If not, how could I have handled this scenario better or seen it coming instead of getting played by her again?

Dumbfounded,

Bob

Well, it’s just like she’s just warming you up, you know? It’s like she comes by, throws a few logs in the fire to keep things going a little bit. That’s all it was really going on here. So she’s just trying to make sure that you’re still interested in case it doesn’t work out with Bob Thundercock that she’ll be back.

So going forward, what you should do is nothing. She reaches out, same thing. “Hey! Nice hearing from you. Hope you’re doing great!” Don’t get involved in astronaut questions or nothing. She has to bring up getting together. If she says she’d like to see you, then just say, “I’m down, but I’m only interested in seeing you if you’re no longer seeing Bob Thundercock. I’m not going to get involved. I’m not going to be your side piece. If you’re dating somebody, it’s just not appropriate for you to be coming over or wanting to hang out,” and she says, “No, it’s over. We’re not seeing each other,” it’s like, “Well, great! Let’s get together and make dinner.” If she does the friend thing and she says, “Oh, I just want to want to make clear that I’m just coming over and we can be friends,” just say, “I’m not interested in that. Like I told you last time, I’m not interested in anything platonic. If you change your mind, hit me up. I gotta run. Talk to you later!”

So again, she typically won’t come over and hang out, have fun and hook up unless things are done with this other guy. So now that she’s told you she’s seeing someone, if say she shows up and she’s in your driveway again leaving you another note, you’re like, “Hey you, what happened? Did you break up with Bob and now you’re coming over some for some great rebound sex?” And she’s like, “Oh no, I just want to leave you a little note and say hi. I was in the neighborhood,” I would be like, “Well, if you’re still seeing Bob, it’s kind of inappropriate for you to be coming to the house of a man you used to date. I don’t respect that at all. That’s not OK. I like women that are loyal, and if you want me to lose respect for you and lose interest in you completely to the point where I don’t even want to talk to you anymore, keep doing this, keep dating another guy, then showing up at my house wanting to hang out, looking incredible the way you look. It’s just not appropriate. I like women that are loyal and family-oriented, and it doesn’t seem like you’re that way. If that’s the case, then it’s probably best that you lose my number. I’m just not going to get involved.”

So that would be just a few things I would keep in mind if she reaches out again, but you did a good job of cementing yourself in friend-zone. This is why 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back is laid out the way it is, because you’re going to get involved with women that are going to behave this way with you. So you’ve got to have firm boundaries that she’ll respect, and you’re going to have to hold her feet to the fire, but it’s pretty clear she ain’t loyal to nobody. That hoe ain’t loyal, but she could be on your practice squad as long as she’s single and ready to mingle. Definitely wear a raincoat, because you have no idea what she’s doing when you’re not around.

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