She’s Torn Between Me & Another Guy. What Should I Do?

What you should do if a woman is torn between you and another man.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 19-year-old viewer who has been long-distance with his now ex-girlfriend for a year. She started casually seeing and dating another guy and cheated on him. They broke up and are still in contact. She says she’s torn between him and the other dude.

He wants her back despite the betrayal. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a young guy who is obviously a little delusional about the situation. He’s 19 and he’s been long-distance with his girlfriend for about a year, and she’s clearly not loyal. She started seeing and dating another guy basically, and cheated on him. Then she said that she wanted to be with the other guy. So they broke up. They’re still in contact, but she says she’s torn between him and another guy and he wants her back despite the betrayal.

So if you’re this young and your girl just decides to start dating and sleeping with somebody else, even though she made a commitment to you, well she’s not obviously loyal and that’s who she is. As Maya Angelou said, “When somebody shows you who they are or tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” You’re not going to fix her. You’re not going to make her loyal. If you take her back, that validates that her behavior is totally acceptable to you and other men. Obviously, the guy she’s involved with knew, I would assume, that she had a boyfriend, but he didn’t care. He was focused on the fact that he wanted her and he probably was white knighting and thinking, “Ah, I’m gonna save her from this boring, unhappy relationship and I’ll show her what a great guy I am.” So now she’s, I guess, kind of with him, but they’re still talking.

If there’s ever a guy in the picture, whether you’re casually dating or like in this case, you should actually become scarcer because scarcity creates value. If there’s another guy in the picture, then you’re going to back off even more, because if a woman’s got two dudes and her interest is similar to both of them, and she’s not sure which guy she likes the most or wants to be with, the thing that matters most is how she feels. So what happens is if you back away, she’s going to feel that she’s going to tend to back away from the other guy who usually is going to be pursuing a little bit more, and the more he pursues and the more you back away, the more she’s going to back away from him and start to wonder about you.

It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. Women like you way more if they think that they’re more into you than you are into them, but obviously in this case, he clearly communicated he was way more into her. Despite all the cheating, he’s still willing to stick around and it looks like he’s reaching out and pursuing a woman who betrayed him. That is not going to be effective at getting her away from another guy or getting her to choose you over another dude. I mean, at the end of the day, when a woman does this to you, she betrays you like this, shows you who she is, sex playmate, friends with benefits, fuck buddy. This is not a girlfriend. This is not a wife. You take her back and you forgive her, given the right circumstances, she’ll just do it again because there were no consequences the first time.

The only thing that will potentially cause this woman to change her ways is to continually lose good guys, because she is a ratchet, basically. She’s a hoe. She’s not loyal. When guys are willing to forgive the infidelity and the betrayal, it just teaches her that men are soft and they’ll more than likely put up with it. So there’s really no consequences. There’s no reason not to act upon your feelings and go for what you want, and that’s clearly what she did. The more he pursues and stays engaged with her, the more she gets her behavior justified and enabled by him. So he doesn’t value his time. He doesn’t value what he brings to the table. He’s just desperate to spend some time with this girl. This is not the way to act with women, especially when you’ve been betrayed and cheated on.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach Corey,

Thank you for your work. I really need guidance on how I can get my ex-girlfriend back.

Dude, you shouldn’t want her back. She cheated on you. She’s done for life. That’s it. Fuck buddy friends with benefits, sex playmate. You should be dating and sleeping with other women. I would never call, never reach out to this girl for any reason. She just do 100% of the reaching out. You should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. She betrayed you. The fact that you’re willing to entertain this is ridiculous, but you’re young, you’re 19, you’re immature, you don’t have a lot of life experience. You’ve probably seen too many movies where it works. The guy proves himself in the movie, and then she comes running back. “Oh, I’m so sorry. It’ll never happen again,” but it will. That’s just who she is. She’s a liar and she’s a cheater. She’s not worthy of loyalty.

The only thing she’s worthy of is being a rotation girl. That’s it. You’re not going to fix her. You’re not going to save her. You’re not going to change her. This is who she is. If you take her back and agree to be exclusive when it suits her, she’ll just sleep with somebody else and won’t feel bad about it because you’re willing to forgive it. You did it the first time, you’ll probably forgive it the second, third, and fourth time. She’s just not capable of loyalty. She doesn’t have the same value system as you. You got to see reality as it is, and you’re seeing it as way better than it is.

My ex and I have been in a long-distance relationship for one year, and we are both 19 years old. After one year together, she developed a friend group and started seeing another guy. Eventually, she wanted to break up because she said she was comparing me to him and felt she wasn’t happy with me long-term.

It’s like, “Well, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. I wish you all the best. Have a nice life.” That should have been the end of it.

I do consider her actions somewhat of a betrayal…

Somewhat?

…But I also recognize that we are very young and it is our first relationship…

You don’t forgive infidelity, dude. That’s stupid, delusional and immature, and you are naive.

…So I am trying to approach this with understanding and forgiveness.

Well, you can forgive her, but you have to understand that this hoe ain’t loyal. She’s not who you thought she was. Just saying, “Oh well, we’re young,” no, you can’t excuse that because you excuse it when you’re young with her. 40 years from now, she’ll still be doing the same fucking thing and won’t feel bad about it because you’ve been justifying it, tolerating it, putting up with it and forgiving it your whole lives. You’re not going to fix this girl. You’re not going to make her loyal by staying with her when she’s disloyal to you. All you would be doing is validating that she can get away with pretty much anything, and you’ll put up with it because you’re a bitch.

When you act like a bitch, women will treat you like a bitch. Meaning they’ll continue to cheat on you and not feel bad about it. On top of that, you’ll probably get nastier, more condescending and short with you, rude and disrespectful because you don’t stand up for yourself, because you put up with this behavior that she knows that you should not be putting up with.

After a month of no contact, she reached out to me, and we have gone out a few times over the last two weeks.

Well again, this is the way it should be. You make no effort to reach out, ever. You don’t go to see her. If she wants to see you, she can come to your city. You’re not going to lift a finger to go anywhere for this girl because again, she’s a girl and she’s like way in the back of the rotation. She’s on the bubble of your practice squad, so to speak. In other words, she’s just barely hanging on. So if you hang out, you have fun and you hook up, great. Wear a raincoat because this woman is definitely sleeping with other dudes. You’re not the only one. She’s not going to be loyal to you.

During a recent phone call, she expressed how confused she feels between me and the other guy. She described him as someone with very different interests and personality traits from me. She called him a dumb American guy who is into guns, football, and UFC, and reminds her of people in her family.

So it sounds like she’s got a little bit of the woke mind virus going on there, and she’s dating a guy who sounds like he’s pretty masculine. That’s why she’s attracted to him, because he’s probably more masculine than you are.

He’s not trying to make more money and drinks and smokes. In contrast, I am European, ambitious, and focused on becoming a doctor.

You have an approval seeking mindset. “Oh, I’m better than this guy. She should choose me.” It’s like, it doesn’t matter. You can be better looking smarter and have more ambition, but if you act like a bitch, you’re gonna get treated like a bitch. The only thing that women really care about is how they feel about you. She clearly is not that into you. Doesn’t matter that your pedigree or your resume is longer or better, or your bank account is bigger than his.I t doesn’t matter. Only thing that matters is how she feels. She felt more attracted to the other guy. That’s why she decided to go off and start sleeping with him. She didn’t care about you. She didn’t care about being loyal. It didn’t mean anything to her. She told you what you needed to hear to stay compliant so she could get what she wanted.

I’m also not drinking or smoking (My girlfriend also doesn’t drink or smoke).

Well, she’s not really your girlfriend anymore, dude.

She said she has better chemistry with him in the moment because she laughs more with him, whereas she feels I am often more serious and try to fix things.

Gotta read the book. It’s free to read at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the email newsletter.

So what that tells me is oftentimes when she just wants to talk and vent, you think you go into Mr. Fix-It mode and you start giving her advice or trying to fix that. Whatever the issue that she’s talking about, she’s having an issue with her mom, her sister, a female co-worker or some girl in class, you’re trying to fix that instead of just listening. So that tells me you don’t understand women. You don’t understand how to communicate with them. You’re trying to fix things when all you really need to do is just listen and let her talk.

I did a video years ago, How To Communicate With Women Effectively. I suggest you watch it. Again, you got to read the book, because you’re clearly trying to cherry-pick. It’s not going to work for you because if you don’t clean up this behavior, every girl you’re going to continually attract are going to eventually figure out that you’re really soft, really weak and not masculine enough to stand up to them and put them in their place. They’ll walk all over you. They’ll cheat on you.

I had friends that were like this. One in particular, when we were in college. This guy came from a rich family. Nice car, big mansion they lived in. When he moved out, his dad paid for a really nice apartment, bought him all clothes. He always had money. Didn’t have to work, didn’t have a job. Had a nice family allowance. Handsome, charming, fun, outgoing, girls loved him at first. His problem was he was too much of a pussy because he was mostly raised by his alcoholic mother and the female nannies, and dad was always working on his business empire and not around very much. So he was really soft, he acted too girly and he was too much of a nice guy.

His girlfriend in high school cheated on him with his best friend, and he stayed friends with her for many years after that. Then several girls that I knew that he dated with, like one in particular, she cheated on him constantly on and off for years. They would break up and they’d get back together. They’d break up because she would cheat again. He would forgive her because he was pussy whipped. Didn’t matter that he was good looking, rich, had a nice car, didn’t have to work. His dad was a multi-millionaire. He acted like a bitch, so he got treated like a bitch and she cheated on him. If she found a guy and she liked the guy, he was more interesting, he was willing to put her in her place, she’d go fuck that guy because she knew he would always forgive her. I think it was after six or seven years, eventually he realized she was just not going to be loyal, but he still acted the same pussy whipped way. Then he ended up settling for a girl that he wasn’t that into, and rode off into the sunset with her. I don’t know what ever happened to him, but this guy had everything.

He had everything that a woman should want, but he acted like such a pussy that girls cheated on him constantly. His high school girlfriend, several girlfriends in his 20s, and this one in particular I was talking about, just she kept doing it. I was like, “Dude, she’s not going to be loyal to you ever. What the fuck?” “I know man, but I really love her.” It’s like, “Doesn’t matter. She don’t give a shit. She’s gonna cheat on you anyways.” She continued to do it eventually. When we got into our mid 20s, he kind of figured out that hoe wasn’t going to be loyal at all. She got drunk one night and even came on to me a little bit. I was like, “Come on, man!” It took him many years to listen. We were all telling him, “You’re being a punk. She’s treating you like a doormat.” He didn’t want to listen.

He learned the hard way, though, but he got beat up emotionally to the point where he just kind of gave up on being with somebody that knocked his socks off. So he settled because that was easier, because that girl was really into him, the one he married, and she would never do those things to him. He wasn’t that into her. So he did mostly everything right with her.

Despite this, she admitted that she still loves me and that our visions, values, and life plans align perfectly.

Your values are not aligned at all. She’s a lying, cheating whore. Simple as that. She may want to be loyal and say she wants to be loyal, but she’s still fucking another guy and rubbing him in your face and expecting you to go, “Oh yeah, this is great. I’m really enjoying this, honey. Such a loving relationship. You treat me so good.”

She also acknowledges that we had strong chemistry before, such as calling for hours during long-distance periods, and that some of this faded when she started seeing the other guy.

Again, she cheated on you behind your back.

Yesterday, during another call, she became very emotional. I feel like that she has been trying to convince herself to be with the other guy, but she is not certain.

Well, the reason she’s not certain is because you’re still pursuing and you got your thumb up your butt and you put your personal life on hold for this woman who is basically treating you like an option and a backup plan. It’s like, have some self-respect, dude! You are not going to fix this girl. You’re not going to undo the shitty job that her father did raising her. Simple as that. She does not share your values. She’ll never be loyal to anybody.

She started crying and expressed regret for ever meeting or talking to him.

She doesn’t regret it. She’s still with him. She may feel bad, but at the end of the day, she likes the guy and her strong attraction and emotions for the other guy override her logic and reason. She knows she shouldn’t have done what she did, but she did it anyways because she’s got no integrity. She’s a person of low character, and you can’t fix that. It’s not fixable.

At the same time, she reassured me that our shared mindset, values, and ambitions make our connection unique, and she recognizes that our relationship has a stronger foundation than the chemistry she feels with the other guy.

Yet she continues fucking the other guy.

So you see what she’s doing? Just telling him a load of bullshit and he just can’t get in his mouth fast enough to just eat it hook, line and sinker.

However, she still said that she doesn’t know if me and her will ever be fully happy together.

Again, when you hear that, you just go, “Well, it sounds like you got a real conundrum, babe. Why don’t you go figure that out with Chad Thundercock and you know, if you’re ever in town and you want to get together and you want a little rebound sex or whatever, I can offer you friends and benefits, but you’ll never be my girlfriend again. You’ll never be my wife. I’m down to bang. I’m down to hook up when you’re in town. I gotta run. Nothing but love for you. Hit me up when you’re around. Bye bye!”

I would greatly appreciate your advice on how to navigate this situation. Specifically how to maintain the right energy, rebuild emotional connection and attraction, and help her move from confusion toward commitment with me. 

Thank you for your time and support.

Bob

Bro, dude, pull your fucking head out of your butt. You’re not going to fix it. You are delusional and naive. You should be dating and hooking up with other women that live in your city, preferably 10 to 15 minutes away, and just tell this ex of yours if she’s ever around and she wants to hang out, have fun and hook up, she can reach out. You’re not interested in chit-chatting on the phone for hours. Tell her, “Call your boyfriend for that. You’re clearly with him. That’s who you chose. So you got to live with the consequences of your actions. I’m not going to sit on the phone with you for two or three hours like I used to when we were together, because you didn’t appreciate it. You didn’t value it. Again, if you’re in town and I’m not exclusive with anybody, we can get together and hook up, be friends with benefits while you’re around. Other than that, it’s never going to go any further than that. I appreciate the memories we have, but you betrayed me. You lied to me. You cheated on me. I don’t really care if you’re confused or not about this guy. I’m not confused at all about you and the fact that you got low character and you’re not loyal, I can’t be with somebody like that because we don’t share the same value system.”

You’re projecting your fantasy of what you want onto this girl, and you’re completely delusional and ignoring reality. That’s why you should spend your time with other women. You should be reading the book. The book teaches you how to be attractive so you don’t make these kinds of mistakes. At the end of the day, you can be the best boyfriend in the world, you can be the most loyal, most awesome boyfriend in the world, if you’re with a lying, cheating hoe whose dad did a shitty job raising her, well she’s going to behave just like your now ex-girlfriend behaves. Never, ever call her again for any reason. Never reach out to her. Don’t even text her on her birthday or Christmas or anything. If she wants to hit you up and you got some free time and you want to give her the meat missile again, wear your raincoat, but you’re just not going to fix it. You’re not going to save it. It’s not salvageable. You shouldn’t be thinking, “How can I get her back?” The book will teach you how to act like a man so these things typically don’t happen.

Again, if you’re not paying attention to a woman’s character, if your woman is giving attention or inviting attention from other men, giving out her number, telling guys to contact her, flirting with them in text, WhatsApp, Snapchat, whatever, that’s a deal breaker. You can’t fix that. That hoe ain’t loyal to nobody and she’s just blowing sunshine up your ass and you’re gobbling up every bit of it.

If you haven’t already signed up for our exclusive premium Members Only content, in the video description of this video, there are links to join on YouTube, to join on Spotify or our website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there or the link in the video description. If you choose an annual plan when you get to our website, at the end of the 7-day free trial, you get a 25% discount for paying the whole year’s premium up front. So go to UnderstandingRelationships.com and click the “plans” tab.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.