What you should do if you start thinking and feeling like you should break the no contact rule and contact your ex, if you have walked away with the intention of never looking back after a breakup.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails. The first email is from a viewer whose ex-girlfriend cheated on him and left him for another guy. He has spent the past several weeks watching my videos, reading my articles and book. He is fearful, starting to second-guess himself and contemplating contacting his ex again, because he is blaming himself for the fact she cheated on him after he turned her off. The second email consists of some questions from a client whom I did a phone session with this past week. He’s wrestling with walking away and never looking back, and the desire to prove to his ex that he has changed. This is the definition of weak, beta male, approval seeking behavior. Both of these men are mistakenly under the influence of the illusion of action, thinking doing something will change their situation. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the bodies of their emails.
First Viewer’s Email:
I discovered your work due to a breakup I am going through right now. I broke up with my girlfriend of 2.5 years on New Years Day. Since then, I have been watching literally almost all your videos, I purchased your book, and I am on my second round reading it. Thank you for your work, and keep making new videos, please!
(I’d say about 90% of the men and women that find my work came to me because something was going sideways in their personal life. Being successful in your personal life really is a reflection of you having everything else taken care of. It means you’re a well-rounded, happy, balanced person with a great life and lifestyle that you’re proud of, and you’re looking for somebody, not to complete you, but to share your completeness with.)
Long story short, I discovered that my girlfriend had been cheating on me with another guy. (What you’ve got to realize about people who cheat and lie is they absolutely believe everybody is this way, and it doesn’t matter what you think or you do. When things aren’t going well, they just start looking to line up your replacement. People who love and value themselves come to a point where they realize, hey, this relationship just isn’t going to be what I want. They are comfortable with leaving, being single and being okay with that until they find the next great love of their lives. People that tend to be insecure, narcissistic, self-centered or they have no empathy, they don’t give a fuck. They’ve got to have somebody else lined up.)
I asked her why she did it, and she said that I was neglecting her. (You stopped dating and courting her like you once did. A good woman, who respects and trusts men, will break up with you and then maybe meet somebody else, but women like this, they don’t fucking care. All is fair in love and war.)
At that moment, I didn’t know what she meant, and I tried to list things I have done for her. (You were trying to prove yourself. You went into logic and reason mode, thinking you were going to win the argument, and really she’s just trying to say, “This is what I need from you. My needs aren’t being met,” but most guys don’t realize that.)
It’s a mistake, I know. I asked her to move out of the apartment, and we broke up shortly after that. (The most important thing to men in a relationship is loyalty, and here you’ve got a woman who has been disloyal. Even if you take her back, that’s just not one of her values. If it was, she wouldn’t have fucked some other dude in the first place. You’d be a sucker to take a woman like that back. It would be like you were saying, it’s okay to cheat on me. If she did it once and got away with it, why wouldn’t she do it again?)
She said that I handled the breakup pretty well without any drama or violence. (That’s always the right way to handle it.) I have been on no contact ever since. (Well, she needs to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. She cheated on you. She violated your trust. Even if you took her back, you’re still not going to fully trust her, because she dicked you over.) Now, she is dating the guy she cheated on me with. (Well, good for him. She’s now his problem. If he screws up the same way you did, she’ll fuck somebody else, because that’s just the way she is. That’s just her nature.)
The more I watch your videos and read your book, the more I realized that I played a part in her affair and our break up. (Well, you didn’t court her properly, but you didn’t deserve to get cheated on when you’re living with this woman. Obviously, you valued being loyal, and she didn’t.)
I got caught up in work and school, and I neglected her. I stopped dating and courting her. She works also, and every night we ended up not doing anything at all, no sex. Now that I am learning about this stuff, it’s just making my heart cringe over things I have said or done to her to lose attraction towards me. (Well, what happened happened, and it couldn’t have happened any other way. There’s not a damn thing you can do about it.)
My Questions are:
Do you think I should reach out to her and apologize to her for what I did in regards of neglecting her? (What about the fact she fucked somebody else when you were still in a relationship? You can’t just sweep that under the rug. Yeah, you shouldn’t have neglected her, but that’s something that could come up in a conversation if you’re crazy enough to give her another chance. If she reaches out in the future, make a date at your place to make dinner together. You want to treat a woman like this like a fuck buddy. In other words, you’re not going to get back together with her. You’re not going to be exclusive with her. If you want a good, loyal woman, she ain’t it.)
I have been working hard on myself to be a better person. Do you think it’s okay for me to want to get her back? (It’s natural. Every guy feels like that. Rejection breeds obsession.)
Do I wait until she reaches out to me to tell her about my flaws and apologize to her, if she even reaches out at all, in the future? (You can apologize to her for not dating and courting her properly, but she fucked somebody else. She violated the sanctity of your relationship, so treat her accordingly. Treat her like a fuck buddy. You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of reality.)
Do I have to break the no contact rule to reach out to her? (Absolutely not. She needs to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. She’s in a relationship with another guy, so at this point, she’s not available.)
Thank you so much for taking the time to answer this e-mail. I really appreciate your work. (The best thing you can do is focus on you. Take care of the things you can take care of, which is how you show up, reading the book and getting out there and applying it, so you can improve your skills. If she reaches out down the road and you want to take another lap around the pool, I personally wouldn’t do it, but it’s your life. Just know your downside risk.)
Second Viewer’s Email:
Question: If I have changed, and I have, a lot, and she left after fighting, thinking I am an asshole, how does she know I have changed, to give a second try, if we are not in contact? She has no way to know.
(Who fucking cares? She unilaterally changed the terms of your relationship. You’re still under “The Illusion Of Action” thinking, “I still need to do something to get her back,” but she’s blowing you off, and she doesn’t treat you like she values you. She had her chance, and she fucked up. She doesn’t see your value, but it’s her fucking loss. By you working on yourself and becoming a better version of yourself, if she ever does reach out to you in the future, it was her idea, and you can invite her over to your place to make dinner together. You should look at my article and video, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Never blame yourself for the actions of someone else. You’re only responsible for your own actions. Choose to be strong enough to walk away forever from someone who violates yourself and your dignity. This demonstrates self-respect, high value and is the strongest negotiating position to get what you want or to be treated the way you want. Otherwise, you’re simply enabling and encouraging their continued mistreatment of you. When you tolerate bad behavior without standing up for yourself, this devalues you further in the eyes of the other person and leads to a loss of respect. Self-respect means walking away from that which no longer serves you, helps you grow or helps you to achieve your outcomes.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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