The importance of staying centered as a man, because masculinity is calm and femininity is chaos.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who was in a relationship with his girlfriend for about 7 months. She had been head over heels in love with him, but over the last several weeks he started losing his center and dropping standards. He came unglued and started being all about drama, continually got annoyed with and straight up became mean to his girlfriend until she dumped him.
Now he asks if it’s possible that he will get another shot with her. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This is from a guy who, I don’t know how familiar he is with my work or how many times he read 3% Man, but he’s a student. Probably one of those guys that didn’t follow instructions, didn’t read it 10 to 15 times. Read it a few times, got successful. He’s like, “I’m different, I’m special. I’m really smart. I have a high IQ. I’m not like those regular guys that follow Corey. I don’t need to read the book 10 to 15 times.” He gets into this relationship of seven months with his girlfriend, she’s head over heels in love with him. And then, he basically goes through a difficult time in his life and becomes a jack in the box, so, the polarity reverts.
As I’m going through this email, I want you guys to think about or contemplate on what this guy is doing and how it makes his girlfriend feel. Because we did a video newsletter yesterday about how women don’t care about how much you like them or what a good guy you are. They only care about how they feel about you. And in that particular case, I don’t think the guy had even read my book yet. He was brand new to the work. His girlfriend had a stroke, and then spent about a year recovering, and he was there taking care of her. He was there every day, extended care. And then after she got all better, she’s like, “Hey, have a nice life. I don’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore.” And he’s like, What? What the hell?”
At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is how they feel about you. And so, a good relationship that’s going well can go south really fast when a guy just completely has a different attitude. Again, pay attention to what you think his words and his actions are doing to make her feel, and then you’ll go, “Oh, it makes total sense why they broke up.”
I’ve been having a great relationship with a girl for about 7 months now. While we live in different cities, distance hasn’t been much of an issue. We are both successful entrepreneurs in our early 30s and can work remotely. She’d been head over heels, loved me deeply, we met each other’s families, and she started planning our future together. I must thank you for coaching me to get to this stage.
Well, if you follow instructions, you’ll get attainable and sustainable success. But if you don’t, if you don’t read the book 10 to 15 times, you’ll get some attainable success, but you won’t be able to sustain it. Especially once you get to the place where you kind of feel like, “Oh, I’ve got this. She loves me. It’s good.” It’s not like a one time event, she gets to a place where she’s in love with you and that’s it, your work is done.
A lot of guys make that mistake in long-term relationships or marriages. They think, “Hey, we’re married. I don’t have to court or date her anymore. We have a 30-year mortgage. Let’s just get a couple of 2-liter bottles of Pepsi or Coca Cola, order some pizzas, throw a movie in and the kids will be happy, and then we can hang out.” And then, every weekend it becomes the same boring, dull routine.
Over the last few weeks or so, I’ve been having some personal issues, (work, finances, family stuff), that made me just irritated…
So, in other words, he had this under control. He was calm when he was focused on dating and courting her properly, but once he felt like he had her, then the real him, the jack in the box, came out.
…bad at communicating and cold.
So, he stopped doing all of the things that made him successful, because he’s like, “I’ve got this.”
I felt a lack of love towards her, and almost felt like I wanted a break/break up but didn’t tell her.
It doesn’t matter. Women are intuitive, they’re very empathetic. They can feel things way more than us guys can. “They’re connected to the force!”
She’s cried a few times because of my behavior.
Dude, you made your girl cry because you were being a dick and it didn’t click? That’s a bad way to go. So, how do you think she felt about him if he’s constantly doing and saying things to make her cry? What a dick. Not cool, dude.
Eventually, she reached a breaking point, because I just ended up being all drama and annoyed and just straight up mean to her verbally. She’d been quite supportive all along.
How do you think she felt? Whatever you make a woman feel when she’s with you is what she’s going to associate with being with you. That’s why it’s important to keep it easygoing, light, funny, not too serious. Masculinity is calm, after all. Even though you can be upset inside, you still choose to be calm and keep that dragon under control, if you will.
She broke up and said she couldn’t do this anymore.
Yeah, because it was no longer fun. It was no longer enjoyable.
I did apologize ‘genuinely’ over a phone call the same day and asked her if she’d change her mind and said I’d like to redeem this situation. She said, “It is now beyond redemption, and I hope you find someone who is better for you. I will always wish the best for you.”
We haven’t spoken/texted/contacted for a week. Given the nature and magnitude of my drama and fuck up, does it make sense to send her a mature text again with an apology, (but not pushing her to get back)?
Dude, you already apologized. She said it’s irretrievable. You’re like, “Alright. Call me if you change your mind. Love you, sorry. Sorry I was a dick. Sorry you don’t want to work it out.” But it’s like he didn’t care until she was breaking it off. Bad, bad way to go.
If you’re going through a rough time in your life as a man, this is why you don’t take it out on your girl. You just don’t. You can’t do that. You can’t take it out on your girl, you can’t take it on your kids. One of the worst things in the world is getting upset, because your kids feel that. Even if they’re step-kids, or your girlfriend’s kids, or her nieces and nephews. If you act like a dick and a jack in a box around them, you’re going to scare them. They’re like, “Who is this guy?” All you’ve got to do is make your girlfriend’s daughter cry when she’s little, just because you snap at her, you raise your voice. It’s the worst thing in the world.
That happened to me one time with a girlfriend many, many years ago. We were driving on a trip to her brother’s house, and her daughter was sitting in the back behind me. And in the back of my car the fold-down arm rest had a little panel on there where you could control the a/c and the radio. She was six or seven years old, playing with the radio, probably trying to get our attention a little bit. A song would start and she would flip it to the next one. And it was getting a little annoying, and I just turned, I said her name and, “please!” just like that, with some slight irritation in my voice.
And then her mother and I continued in our conversation, and I see her kind of look in the back. And then she looks at me and goes, “Congratulations, Corey. You made my daughter cry.” I turned around and tears are going down her face, and I felt horrible. It was like the worst thing in the world, and I was like, “Man, I’m never going to ever raise my voice at her, or even hint that there’s irritation, even if I feel like shit inside.”
So, I grabbed her ankle, apologized, told her how much I loved her and I was really sorry. I felt bad. It was like the worst thing in the world. And so, you’ve got to think think of it from that perspective as well. How does your energy that you’re projecting affect the other person, especially the people you supposedly love?
This guy is constantly berating his girlfriend to the point where she’s in tears, and it’s like nothing clicked. He just kept doing it. He was being a dick, and he deserved to get dumped, to be quite honest with you. I mean, I don’t feel bad for this guy, because he got what he deserved. It’s like, you shouldn’t have done this. This is one of those kind of painful lessons. Yeah, once, then you apologize. But when you’re continually doing it and continually making her cry, you’re being an asshole, man. You just can’t do that, with women especially. And you can’t do that around kids, or your kids, because people aren’t going to like you, especially people’s kids.
But, like I said, think about it from the perspective of, what are you going to do? Even though she’s an adult woman, your girlfriend, what are you communicating to her inner child, the little girl on the inside? Are you making her feel safe? Are you making her feel like you’re calm, collected and in control? Or are you a jack in the box lunatic that just makes everybody feel scared?
And, obviously in this case, is not making her feel safe, not make her feel like he cares. As a matter of fact, he’s giving off the vibe like, “Hey, I don’t want you around.” He even said he was thinking, “Hey, I might want to break up with her,” just because of how he was feeling. But, at the end of the day, when you choose to become a jack in the box, and you choose to lose your shit, and you choose to berate the people that love you, eventually they’re not going to want to stick around.
So, again, he says, “does it make sense to send her a mature text again with an apology, (but not pushing her to get back)?” Dude, you already apologized, and she said, “No way.” So, you should just say, “Call me if you change your mind.”
I would absolutely love to work on myself, (already am), and continue to be a better, calmer and centered man. But we have a great dynamic and connection, and I’d love to truly have a shot with her. I’d appreciate your thoughts.
What’s done is done, bro. You’ve got to let her be. She wants space from you. You don’t keep chasing somebody that wants space. I’d wait to hear from her. And if you do, you should be following the script right out of “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” at this point. It’s a painful lesson that you don’t want to repeat.
But the good news is my new book, “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations – Volume II” is out. The audiobook is out, the paperback and hardcover are out. They’re available everywhere. And if you haven’t read “3% Man” 10 to 15 times, it’s in the members area. It’s free to read in your web browser on any device. I highly recommend you do it, 10 to 15 times. Don’t be like this guy. Don’t be a jack in the box. Because women don’t like it. Kids don’t like it. And you want to be calm. Feminine energy is chaos. Masculinity is calm, always knows what to do.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur