The Importance Of Giving Women Space & Keeping Your Mouth Shut While In No Contact

The importance of giving women space & keeping your mouth shut while in no contact.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who got involved with a woman in the middle of a divorce. He became too smothering and controlling leading her to put him in friend zone. She asked for space and to not contact her. Then he reached out to one of her close girlfriends for advice on getting her back. She got really upset when she found out and it didn’t go well for him.

He asks my opinion on what to do now. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well after all, it does say in 3% Man, gentlemen don’t kiss and tell.

This guy was he’s been trying to attract his ex back, but he hasn’t really given her space. He’s been kind of smothering her. The other thing that he’s done, which I talk about in the book, is he got involved with a woman who’s in the middle of a divorce. If you’re dating somebody in the middle of a divorce like that, or if they split up with their long term boyfriend and they’re still working out details, maybe they got property they got to sell, maybe they got a lease that they had together, they’ve got assets they got to get rid of, maybe they had a business together, you have to let women in these circumstances do all the calling, texting and pursuing so it’s their their idea because 75% of the time the women are the ones ending the relationship and rejecting the guy.

Usually if you start dating a woman like this who is in the middle of a divorce, probably the guy doesn’t want to get divorced and he wants to stay with her, so she spends a lot of time with you, and very little with him, probably doesn’t have much contact with him, you start smothering her and then she starts wondering if she did the right thing by leaving her husband or her ex-boyfriend or whatever. Then she feels attraction for him, you start pursuing her and you literally chase her back into the arms of the ex, which is what this guy is doing. On top of that, he thought it was a great idea because he knows some mutual friends and he knows one of her really close girlfriends. So he calls his girlfriend to ask for advice, and of course, this girlfriend can’t keep her mouth shut. So she goes right back to the woman that this guy is dating and tells her everything. Then she gets pissed off, calls him and says, “Give me space. Wait till I reach out to you. Leave me alone. Leave me the hell alone.” So there’s a lot of a lot of interesting things happening here.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach Corey Wayne,

I am reaching out for your advice on a woman in which I really love but have left me. I’m very new to your work regarding no contact, how to get an ex back, etc., and I would really appreciate some advice from you regarding my situation.

First things first, you got to read 3% Man, dude. There are no shortcuts to success. If you want to have any chance of getting this girl back, you got to learn what you’re doing to drive her away, and it’s not going to happen with cherry picking videos. You’ll get some attainable success, but you won’t be able to sustain it. You got to read it 10 to 15 times. You can even read it for free. All you got to do subscribe to the email newsletter at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Put your name and your email, create a password and boom! It’ll open right up and you can start reading. It costs you nothing other than a couple of seconds to type that stuff in.

I met this girl at an event back in April and asked her out on a date. I’m 26 and she’s three years older than me.

So she’s 29.

Things were going really well. However, she immediately let me know she is actually married but has split with her husband for many months already and will be settling for a divorce.

Again, this is right out of the book, but he hasn’t read it yet, so he’s kind of new, so we can’t really break his balls about that. This is to be expected if you’re going to get involved with a woman in the middle of a divorce. You got to assume the ex probably wants her back. She has more time with him, especially if they got kids together. She’s got years with him and you’ve only known her for a few months. So in those cases, you’ve got to let her do all the calling, texting and pursuing once she gets to that point, especially where you’re at right now, because when a woman is pushing you away and wants nothing to do with you anymore and asks for space, you got to give her enough space to either follow through and come back eventually later, or to just flake out and disappear from your life forever, because it’s quite possible she gets back together with her husband. Who knows? Maybe the husband comes across my book, cleans up his behavior, acts super attractive and actually becomes a good student and you’re a shitty student while you’re going to drive her right back into the arms of the husband. So you got to consider that. That’s a possibility.

At first, I was skeptical, but over the course of the two months I have gone out with her on many dates and we both caught feelings for each other.

Probably he caught more feelings than she did.

We got intimate, talked about the future from time to time…

You really shouldn’t be talking about the future. I mean, this is somebody else’s wife you’re dating and fucking, OK? You got to be realistic, because really, right now, all you are is a side piece. You’re the rebound dude while she figures herself in her life out. Women want a guy that’s going to cause no drama, be easy going, easy to get along with, good sex and good fun. If you start creating drama, you start giving her a hard time, you start being controlling like this guy is, you’ll see what happens in a minute.

…But because of her current legal marriage status, we both know that we’re not in an official relationship yet until the legal documentation has been settled.

Which can take years.

However, sometime in late June, I suddenly realized a shift in dynamics when we were texting. She started to pull back and wasn’t as enthusiastic to talk to me as much as before.

So that tells me he’s doing most of the calling, texting and pursuing instead of letting her do it. You cannot do it.

As it says in the book, in the beginning, you should never do more than 20% to 30%, but with most normal, healthy women, you’re going to be able to get away with them doing 95% to 100% of all the contact initiation, because when they’re in love and they’re really happy, they’re contacting you multiple times a day and there’s just no reason to reach out any more than that. Quite frankly, when you’re hearing from a girl three or four times a day and you’ve been together a while, you really don’t want to hear from her any more than that. That’s a fact of life.

Guys that aren’t getting enough attention from her, they start to pursue, and like this guy noticed, she starts to back off and smother her. Maybe she was doubting things, but really, you’ll see it’s a lot of his controlling and smothering behavior that’s caused her to pull back, and when she pulls back, what does he do? He pursues more because he’s trying to fix things. It’s what I refer to in 3% Man as The Illusion of Action.

As I’m someone that likes to solve problems within relationships when they arise, I kept pushing her for an answer over the next few days until she finally told me that she found this relationship to be going too quickly and too “Goal oriented.”

In other words, it’s not easy going, he’s not letting her come to him at her pace, he’s smothering, he’s controlling, he’s needy, he’s neurotic. It’s like he needs a mommy. He needs a mommy and he treats her like an emotional support human. It’s very unattractive because you got to remember, she’s probably got the ex-husband who doesn’t want to get divorced, and she’s got you. You’re smothering her, you’re going to chase her right back into his arms, because she’s got a lot of time in with this guy. You’re a dude she’s known for a few months, and you’re already turning her off to the point where she’s backing away. So she’s naturally going to gravitate back towards the ex-husband or potentially another guy that she’s dating and hooking up with that you don’t know about.

She said she just wanted a genuine connection and found me too pressuring.

You got to let women come to you at their pace, and he’s obviously not doing that, but he is new to my work, so we can’t expect him to be an expert. I don’t know if he’s ever gotten around to reading the book yet, but cherry picking videos is not going to give you sustainable success. You’ll get some improvements, but if you don’t understand the philosophy in the book, you’re going to be screwing up a lot.

We had a chat in person to discuss this issue at a café a week later…

I’m sure it was him. “I have to confront her about my feelings,” because he’s probably talking to women in his life going, “Oh, tell her how much you love her. Tell her how much you care. Tell her how you feel. Tell her how important she is to you.” That’s what all the girls will say, so he’s probably doing that, “I got to let her know how I feel. I got to confront her about the problem we’re having.” The problem is low interest in attraction and respect, because you’re so needy, neurotic and controlling. You’re smothering her. As Thich Nhat Hanh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free,” and she doesn’t feel free. She feels like she’s got a needy little boy on her hands.

…But the atmosphere was a little uncomfortable as she said we should just be friends and have less expectations for each other.

Again, he’s confronting her and she’s like, “How about we just be friends? “Because from her perspective, his behavior is incredibly unattractive and it’s a turnoff and he’s not getting the message. He’s constantly trying to fix things, smother her, be with her and be around her. She doesn’t feel safe with him as a man, because he doesn’t act like a man. He’s acting like a girl. She wants a man. She wants somebody that’s more masculine than her, and he’s doing the opposite. He’s acting like an insecure, needy little girl.

We continued to text each other everyday for the next two weeks…

Meaning he probably was texting her every day for the next two weeks.

…Or so, but her texts were clearly less passionate than before.

So that tells me he’s probably doing 100% of the pursuing, and he doesn’t even realize what he’s doing wrong.

I initially dismissed it at first but decided that it was enough and I stopped contacting.

Finally!

You never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you. If you notice she’s backing away and has become cold and not replying as much, then match and mirror that. The phone is for setting dates anyways. Your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out and hook up. That’s it.

I just couldn’t handle us being so intimate initially, but now I’m just basically in the friend zone.

Well, masculine energy is calm and centered, and when you say, “I just couldn’t handle us being so intimate initially, but now I’m just basically in the friend zone,” that’s your problem. You have no emotional self-control and your game fucking sucks ass. Absolutely sucks ass. You have dried her up like a bucket of sand.

During this time I reached out to one of her mutual girl friends…

Bad idea. Gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. You should never do that. There was an article years ago I read, it said the average woman can keep a secret for about seven minutes, and then she’s got to tell somebody. Seven minutes, and you go to one of her close friends and have verbal diarrhea, and you think that’s going to help you? What he’s really hoping is that her friend will pressure her to get back with him. All it does is piss her off, because now he’s trying to go around her and use her peer group to put pressure on her, which is really going to piss her off, as you’ll see.

…(They know that we’re seeing each other) to get advice on my situation with her and how I can handle this.

Bad move, dude. Bad, bad, bad way to go.

Four days later, she called me on the phone and shouted at me for sharing some personal information with a mutual friend and said what I did was disrespectful, immature and she cannot be in a relationship with someone who is that emotionally unstable.

Ooh! Sick burn. Damn…

See, that’s the beauty of women. They can cut right through the bullshit, and they can see your weaknesses and flaws and faults and just zing you like that. So that’s what she noticed.

I want to read that again: “What I did was disrespectful, immature and she cannot be in a relationship with someone who is that emotionally unstable.” Remember, masculinity is calm, feminine energy is chaos, and he’s acting like a chaotic girl. He’s contacting her friends, telling the friends all personal details about their relationship. He’s earnestly trying to get help, but who do you think she’s going to be loyal to? Plus, she’s a woman. She has to tell somebody. So maybe not only did she tell the girl he’s been dating, but she probably told some of their other mutual acquaintances. So now everybody knows their business. That’s probably really why she called, because it wasn’t just the friend knew about this, the friend made sure that she knew and the whole peer group and now everybody knows their business and she’s probably worried about some of this getting back to her husband, because some people in their friend group probably are siding with the husband. So now everybody knows that she’s been dating and sleeping with another guy, and he’s totally blown it because gentlemen don’t kiss and tell, but he couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Bad, bad way to go, dude. That’s about as bad of a thing as you can do. To be able to come back from that is going to be next to impossible.

After the call, I immediately apologized to her on text and decided to give her some space to calm down.

She’d been asking for space and she’d asked you to back off, but you weren’t getting the message. On top of that, she’s friend-zoning you, yet you continue to pursue. When you’re in friend-zone, all that does is justify to her that she made the right decision. I mean, she called you emotionally unstable. You really pissed her off, dude, because the way you’re behaving is emotionally unstable. You’re a guy that has no emotional self-control. You’re acting like a chaotic, neurotic, needy, insecure jackass.

I felt horrible because I really didn’t intend on causing harm to her as I just wanted to get some advice with one of her close girl friends.

Yeah, and that close girlfriend probably told everybody, and now everybody that knows her and the husband knows everything about the guy she’s been dating and fucking. So just imagine the mess that you made for her. That was just stupid. To think you’re going to tell a close friend that she’s probably had for years, when you’ve met her once or twice, you think she’s going to keep her mouth shut and she’s going to be loyal to you? Come on, dude.

I then went no contact for two weeks…

She said, “Leave me alone. I can’t be in a relationship with somebody so emotionally unstable.” Masculinity is calm. It has self control. She says, “I need space.” What does he do? “I then went no contact for two whole weeks,” because he’s cherry picking, trying to copy and paste, and then he’s probably looking at other videos and other guys going, “Go no contact for two weeks. Go for 30 days and then reach out.” At the end of the day, you’re still pursuing somebody that doesn’t want to be with you. It has to be her idea. If it’s not her idea, you’re getting nowhere except blue balls and stuck in friend-zone permanently, it looks like.

…Before finally sending a text message asking if we could talk.

Because he’s like, “I got to do something.” This is The Illusion of Action. “I got to fix it. I got to confront her. I got to try to talk her into liking me.” So he’s trying to negotiate attraction. It doesn’t work that way, bro.

She told me that she recognized my apology but she can’t continue an intimate relationship anymore and needs time and space to heal from this breach of her boundaries. She asked me to, “Refrain from contacting her until she feels ready to revisit this.”

So in other words, she said, “Leave me the fuck alone. Don’t call me, I’ll call you. If you don’t hear from me, it means it’s over forever.” That’s what it means.

My last message to her was I told her I’ll respect her boundaries…

She probably doesn’t believe you because you haven’t yet.

…And will wait for her to reach back out. As of this email, we’ve been in no contact for one month since we last texted.

I watched a lot of your videos during this month and a half and I know that I should probably go see other people but I just can’t bring myself to do so as I feel very emotionally unavailable.

Well, this woman is married to another guy and you’re basically trying to fuck some other dude’s wife. On top of that, you’re still cherry picking videos and pretty much every video I say, don’t cherry pick. The fucking book is available for free in the Member’s Area of my website. You can read it in your web browser, but you still won’t do that. That’s pathetic.

You got to participate in your own rescue. Your behavior is exactly why she doesn’t want to be with you, and it’s exactly why probably the other women you’ve dated in the past don’t want anything to do with you. You have no self-control, and you don’t act like a man consistently. I know I’m being harsh, but masculine energy grows through challenge, so I’m challenging you and shaking you hopefully to wake your ass up, because if you don’t get it fixed with her, you’re gonna have the same problems with the next girl. Besides, this woman is married to somebody else. She may stay with her husband. You have created a hell of a mess for her and her personal life, because now everybody knows her personal business.

Should I wait till she’s settled with her divorce (She’s shown me some of the documentation while we were together) and wait for her to reach out back to me?

That’s exactly what she told you. “Don’t contact me. I’ll contact you,” and you’re still looking for excuses to continue pursuing somebody. When you continue to behave this way, then they start to think you’re a little nutty and then they’re gonna want to get a restraining order against you. You got to knock it off, dude. You never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you. You got to read the book.

I REALLY don’t want to lose her…

She’s not yours. She’s somebody else’s wife. Hello? Get a clue!

…Despite her not being an “Ex-girlfriend,” thus I really want to re-attract her.

Your expert detailed guidance is appreciated.

Many thanks,

Bob

You have to let her come to you at her pace. She told you over and over what to do, which is basically to leave her the hell alone. Even if she does come back, you got to follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back and let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. You should look at this as she’s not an ideal candidate to date anyways. If you let her come to you at her pace, then she’ll test the the ex husband or, I should say, the ex-husband to be. She’ll test the shit out of him, he’ll probably flail around, start chasing and he’ll drive her into your arms. Then you just let her come to you.

This is such an easy situation to fix, but you’re just so needy, neurotic and convinced that you have to do something to fix this. She’s pleaded with you multiple times to leave her alone and let her come to you, and you just won’t do that. You keep looking for excuses to reach back out, so when each time you reach back out, it shows you have no self-control. What did she refer to you as? Emotionally unstable. Men are supposed to be the rock and be the mountain, not emotionally unstable. Women do not want an emotionally unstable guy.

You need to get your shit together and I know you don’t feel like it, but you need to be reading the book and applying it with other women so you can get some practice and see the principles that are in the book working with other women. Therefore, if she does come back in a few months, especially if you’ve got a few other choices in your life, you’re not going to be so quick to jump right back into a relationship with her. You’re going to make her earn you back. If you’ve got other women you’re dating and sleeping with and she wants you to be exclusive, it’s like, “You’re still married and living with your ex-husband,” or “You’re still married and you may go back to them. I’m not going to be exclusive with a woman who is married to another guy. I mean, that’s absurd. You want to have a boyfriend and a husband at the same time? We can continue to date, hook up and have fun together, but until your divorce is completely finalized and you guys are actually done, I’m not going to be in a relationship with you. I’m not going to publicly tell everybody in my family and all my friends, ‘Oh yeah, my girlfriend is actually somebody else’s wife, but we’re keeping it on the down low.'” They’re going to look at you and go, “Are you a fucking moron?” Come on.

Seriously dude, pull your head out of your ass. Take your success and your happiness seriously. There are no shortcuts to success, dude. You got to participate in your own rescue. Ain’t nobody going to fix this for you but you, and your behavior is about as atrocious as it can get. I’m sorry that’s brutally honest, but somebody’s got to tell you that. Hopefully you wake up, because if you don’t fix this with her, you’ll have the same problems with the next girl.

So if you guys haven’t already signed up for our paying Members Only content, you can do so in the video description of this particular video. There are links to join on YouTube, to join on Spotify or our website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab. Once you arrive there on our website, you get a 7-day free trial so you can check out and see what content you get for paying members. You can choose a monthly plan or an annual plan with the free trial. If you choose the annual plan at the end of the 7-day free trial, you get a 25% discount for paying the whole premium up front.

The content you get is six additional paid Members Only video coaching newsletters similar to this one per week. We have a weekly 3% Man Study Group podcast, a weekly Mastering Yourself Study Group podcast. We have special interviews, special videos that we do. Sometimes we talk about things and I go full breach and I just have to put those behind the paywall because the YouTube gods, just all the woke idiots there, they get really upset and really offended. I mean, it’s just the way it is. So it’s better to put that stuff behind the paywall. We also have the Full Viewer Questions podcast where we answer and rapid fire the short questions that people submit. We usually do 12 to 15 of those in a film session, and those videos tend to last an hour, hour and a half typically.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.