How to avoid being the overly emotional perturbed man, so you can be present, masculine and calm to turn women on.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email success story from a female viewer that studies my work with her boyfriend. I answered a previous email from her in my video newsletter title, “The Unperturbable Man.” She shares how things have gotten dramatically better since then and brings up a few more issues she’d like help with between them.
He has a hard time opening her up and sometimes blows things out of proportion that makes her feel unsafe. I tell them how they can tweak things to make their relationship easier and more effortless. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of her email.
This is going to be a little bit more advanced type of skills that I’m going to talk about today from How To Be A 3% Man. Obviously, it has to do with being in a relationship. And the interesting thing is a lot of guys that start following me, they learn the pickup stuff, they learn the dating stuff, and then they start hooking up with a girl that they’re dating. They even start to get serious with her, and then they don’t finish reading the book 10 to 15 times.
And then months down the road, six months, a year down the road, when they’re in a relationship and these things come up, they don’t know how to deal with it, because they never bothered learning the relationship skills and how to diffuse tension and how to remain calm.
This email is from a woman, and she originally, just about a month ago or a couple of months ago, wrote an email, and I answered it in a previous video newsletter titled, “The Unperturbable Man.” And so, she gives us an update.
Obviously, her boyfriend saw the video before she did and called her, so it’s kind of interesting how it all came about. But he’s made a lot of changes since then, and the relationship got dramatically better, as she puts it. There’s just a couple of things that she would like help with that would make their relationship just absolutely perfect.
I would say this is more of an advanced thing, especially for people that are in a relationship. But even if you’re just dating or single, this is something that you’re going to need down the road. And a lot of guys make the mistake that they don’t learn this stuff because they figure, “Hey, we’re hooking up, I’m getting laid. I don’t really need to read this damn book 10 to 15 times. I’ve got this. Piece of cake. It’s easy.”
Not so easy if you don’t learn the fundamentals. Because there’s three skill sets you need to understand. You need to understand pickup skills, dating skills and relationship skills to have easy and effortless relationships. This is provided you have a normal, happy, healthy woman that you’re dating with that comes from a good background, has got a good relationship with her mom and dad, she saw a good example growing up.
I’m not talking about dating chicks from the streets or guys that try to turn hoes into housewives. Or women that just have a truckload of problems, and they’re going to be Captain Save-a-Hoe. This is not for those kinds of women, because it’s just simply not going to work.
Those are the kind of women that you hook up with, you have as friends with benefits, sex playmates, open relationship. You don’t get serious with those women. That should be common sense. I mean, there’s a whole section in the red pill community where they just complain about all women, and then it justifies doing nothing to help themselves. And we’re about solutions here. We’re about being men, because men take responsibility for every aspect of their life.
Good, bad, indifferent, if you attracted a bad person into your life, you don’t say, “Well, it’s her fault.” You say, “Well, what did I do to attract that person? What did I do to allow her into my inner circle? Where did I go wrong in my pre-qualification of this person, so I don’t allow somebody like that into my life the next time around?”
Because as soon as you say it’s not your fault, then you’re powerless to shape and change your destiny. And we’re all about self-reliance here. We’re not about crying and whining about the world. I mean, life ain’t fair. Life is dangerous. Wear a helmet. Nobody cares about your problems, nobody cares about my problems, and they’re glad we have them.
I hope you’re amazing. I wanted to share my success story with my boyfriend. You recently did a video on my email called “The Unperturbable Man.” I didn’t see your email response the day you made a video about it and shortly got a call from my boyfriend after he saw it. He asked me, “Is there something you’d like to talk about?” Naturally, I was confused by his question.
He told me he saw the video you made about our situation. He said he was looking for advice from you and “stumbled upon it” before I did. He immediately knew you were talking about us based on the few sentences on the description and thought, “Here we go.”
Think about that mindset. “Here we go. Oh, shit, we’re going to have a problem. We’re going to argue, we’re not going to get along.” That’s a mindset right there. That’s a belief. That’s a tape that’s playing in his head. So, think about that. Because we tend to react based upon programming, childhood trauma, things that have happened, our beliefs about things.
It’s hard to remain calm. And when I look back on my life at fifty-one now, women who are easygoing, easy to get along with, friendships with friends that are easygoing, easy to get along with, coming across people that are like that, that always are smiling, always looking for reason to joke around and laugh and not get upset, they are so rare because the world is full of drama.
I mean, all you’ve got to do is go on social media or turn on the news and people are flipping out over something and getting all emotional. And so, when we see this thousands and thousands of times, we think it’s normal to just get emotional and freak out about everything.
That literally enables the behavior on a mass global scale. If your people are flipping out on TV and social media, well, that must be the way everybody does things. It’s not healthy and it’s not a natural. It’s not masculine to be that way. It’s actually very feminine and out of control to behave that way.
As you said, there are no accidents. After he heard your remarks on his behavior, he was embarrassed and ashamed.
Well, obviously, I got through to him. That’s good. That’s the point. People say, “Corey, you’re so harsh. You always say it’s the man’s fault.” Well, almost 100% of the time, with the exception of this one, I’m answering an email from a guy. He sent an email in saying, “Critique me. Tell me what I need to do differently,” so that’s why I’m speaking to him.
Because I see those comments constantly throughout the week. People that are new are like, “Oh, it’s always a man’s fault!” That’s somebody that doesn’t want to accept personal responsibility. They’d rather point the finger. So, it doesn’t matter.
The way I look at things, the masculine way to look at things, like I said earlier in the video, everyone, everything that’s in your life, everything that’s happened in your life is there because you either attracted it through your actions or your thoughts. And when you have that kind of an attitude towards things, then you can change it, because it always starts and ends with you. You take personal responsibility for 100% of everything, the way your life is.
And quite frankly, most people don’t want responsibility for their own lives because that means they’ve got work to do. That’s why socialism, Marxism, collectivism, communism is so appealing to so many people, because life is hard. It’s not easy. The world is competitive and it will eat you alive if you’re weak. That’s just harsh. Life is harsh nature, nature’s harsh.
He realized that you were right.
I might not always be right, but I’m never wrong.
Becoming emotional isn’t manly behavior and wanted to change.
So, he took personal responsibility. He didn’t say, “Screw coach. He always says it’s the man’s fault.” He’s like, “Ah, I should listen to this guy. He’s helped me so much so far. When I apply to things he teaches, my life gets better.”
Obviously, if you’ve been watching some of the videos I’ve done with Gracie and Chunky, you see that. I joke around. I’m like, “How often am I wrong? How often am I right?” They’re like, “Pretty much always. Pretty much always right.” At least in the things that I talk about.
He listened to your audiobook three times during the gym, and over a short time our relationship changed dramatically.
So, he took action. That’s what a man is supposed to do. He made things better. He didn’t get butt hurt. He didn’t point the finger and say, “My girlfriend’s a lunatic,” or “That shaved headed dude on YouTube doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” He just said, “What can I do to be better?” And look what he did. He made it better.
He is sweet, nurturing, expressive and loving. He asks me what’s the matter and listens to me when I talk. He leaves me little notes on my desk saying how proud of me he is that I’m so hardworking and how much he loves me. He isn’t harsh to me anymore and speaks to me with respect and wanting to work together to solve issues.
That’s awesome, dude. Good job. No drama. No drama, mama.
The only remaining issues we have are: he doesn’t know exactly how to open me up and get me talking, he is so used to doing the talking.
I think that’s great that you bring that up, but what are you doing to make it easier for him to open you up? Because you’ve got to participate as well. And the way you phrase this, “he doesn’t know exactly how to open me up,” okay, well, tell him what to ask you to open you up. You’ve got to remember, men are like dogs. We need specific instructions. Sit, lay down, roll over. Don’t piss in the carpet. And you’ve got to be explicit with them.
So if there’s something bothering you, you say, “Baby, I need to talk to you about something that’s bothering me, and I would really appreciate it if you just listen and facilitate me talking. That would be wonderful.” Tell us specifically, explicitly what you need. Don’t give him three weird examples from shit that happened in the past and expect him to connect the dots.
Women tend to do that. That’s why they bitch about “Oh, you never took the garbage out!” It’s like, “What are you talking about?” “Well, that was last month!” Or “You never fixed the garage door like you said you were going to.” It’s like, “I fixed that five years ago. Why are you bringing that up now?” You’ve got to explain to them why. Don’t give examples and make him go on an expedition to figure out what the hell you’re trying to communicate.
Since you wrote the email, you can participate in your own rescue, too. You can participate in making your relationship better. The quality of your relationship is in direct proportion to the quality of the questions that you ask each other. So a simple thing, you can say, “Baby, when I come home, a great thing to ask me is how was your day? Tell me about your day.”
That’s one of the best things to do when a man comes home, “Hey babe, how was your day?” Even if she’s home taking care of the kids, “How was your day, honey? Really? What else? Tell me more.” I did a video years ago called “How to Communicate with Women Effectively.” It’s also referenced in “How To Be A 3% Man.” And I definitely suggest to you, since you guys both watch my videos and read the book, you should both watch it together.
You should definitely be proactive since you’re the one who wrote the email and explain specifically, explicitly, maybe you give him a step one, step two, step three, step four. Again, I talk about it in that video, it’s in the book, but you’ve got to be able to communicate effectively to him, instead of making him go on an Easter egg hunt and figure it out.
Also, he doesn’t know how to be playful in serious situations and tends to blow them up when they occur, which makes me feel unsafe.
Another masculine thing is that women, because they’re emotional, tend to go, “Ahh, it’s the end of the world. Everything is bad, it’s horrible! The whole dinner was horrible!” when just the cake sucked. The pot roast was amazing, everything was amazing, the green beans were amazing, but because the cake sucked and nobody liked it, “The whole dinner was ruined! Everybody had a horrible time!”
That’s the kind of thing women tend to do. And men tend to go, “You’re being ridiculous. I love you. So what, the cake sucked, but the pot roast was amazing. The green beans, they were fucking awesome. And the wine, it was the perfect wine.” So, the man’s got to be able to hear that and not go, “Ahhh!” and freak out. Just be humorous, be playful. Point out the simple things.
That’s what I talk about, in “How To Be A 3% Man.” It’s shrinking the end-of-the-world problems down into, “Oh, this is easy to solve. Piece of cake. I’ve got this, babe. I’ve got you, babe.” But also, because I do this a lot in my phone sessions with a lot of guys, especially when women back them into corners and try to intimidate them, they start rationalizing and making excuses and defending their behavior, instead of fucking with them.
Because if you’re unperturbable, if you’re going to remain calm, you’re going to be amused, not using mean humor, but silly humor. Because with the silly humor, what you’re trying to do is to get her to laugh. When she’s being angry and upset, you want her to laugh, because quite frankly, it’s ridiculous. Because at the end of the day, your life should be a drama free zone, drama free baby. (You can get these mugs at Spring, by the way, in the Coach Corey Wayne store.) But we should always be reminding ourselves to have no drama, because drama comes from losing control and/or being bad communicators.
So how do we all remain calm and unperturbed and not lose control? Humor is the best way to go. It’s hard to stay pissed off at somebody that is cracking you up, is making you laugh. And the women I wrote about in “3% Man,” I mean, every single one, I can remember times where I was serious about something, I was pissed off and I was upset. And what are they doing? They’re fucking joking with me, making fun of me and teasing me. And it would catch me. I would be like, “I’m being a bitch right now. I’m not being calm and I’m not seeing humor in it.” And then we’d just start laughing and giggling and we’d just change the conversation and go on to something else, because that can be all it takes.
And also, if he gets butt hurt — since you’re the one writing me the emails, so I’m expecting you to also participate to make your relationship better — you should use humor with him. “Now, would Coach Corey Wayne think you’re being unperturbable right now?” As he’s starting to lose it, “What would Coach Corey Wayne say?” It takes two. Teamwork makes the dream work.
If you could elaborate more on those two issues, that would be amazing.
Well, guess what? I just elaborated.
Overall, I’ve seen incredible progress in such a short time due to your work. He’s not the same guy I knew in the beginning. He is focused on his mission and purpose of being a doctor, while I am doing the same.
It sounds like you guys are a good team, and you’re both making the effort. You’re making the effort to write an email saying, “Hey, we’re struggling with this little thing here.” He’s listened to the first one, he’s reading in the book. He’s got you involved in my work. He took constructive criticism. He didn’t say, “Screw Corey, all women suck.” He said, “Maybe I should listen this guy, because he helped me so much before and when I apply the things he teaches, he’s pretty much always right.” It takes two.
I just wanted to let you know of the impact your book and teachings have had on our relationship. I’m very thankful I found you four years ago, and I recommend your book to everyone in my life that is struggling.
Well, maybe you’re the one who introduced me to your boyfriend. I know how it all came about. I don’t recall, but I’m grateful that both of you are reading it and applying it, because, quite frankly, it takes two of you. Because you’re going to have bad days, he’s going to have bad days. He’s going to have days where he’s off. Maybe he’s got too much on his mind. And if you understand how these things work between men and women, you can be a great teammate and a great partner, instead of a one-way j, expecting the man to do everything and thinking you can just go full lunatic on on him all the time and he’s got to put up with it, which he doesn’t. That’s reality.
So obviously you can read “How To Be A 3% Man” at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the email newsletter. You can also read “Mastering Yourself.” And the great news is “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations” is out, my latest book, 250 quotes here on all different topics from both books.
So, if you’d like to get a coaching session, maybe you’re having something you’re struggling with, maybe you’ve got a chick you’re not sure about, if she’s a good one or not, or a keeper, or you need to send her back to the streets. Or maybe you’re having an issue in your relationship that you want to tweak, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Effortless relationships are only possible between two people who are easygoing, easy to get along with and who communicate like calm adults, even when they don’t feel like being calm. Being calm during calamities is a superpower. We make our best decisions when we are in a calm and peaceful relaxed state. Women tend to blow things up and out of proportion due to their emotions, while masculine men tend to shrink them down into easy to digest small pieces so problem solving is relatively simple. Men who can’t remain calm while solving problems but instead become emotional cause women to feel unsafe. True masculine energy is balanced, steady, reliable, calm and unperturbable.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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