In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is forty-three years old and the epitome of the “good” or too much of a “nice” guy. He has a lot of female friends, but no ladies to date. He is halfway through the third reading of my book. He says it goes against everything he thought about how things worked with women. Little by little, it’s starting to change his confidence and behavior for the better.
He has a twenty-eight year old female friend he has been “best friends” with for about eight years now. He says he has started to develop feelings for her recently and started applying what my book teaches to see if he could create some sexual attraction with her. She seems to be physically touching him more and doing most of the calling, texting and pursuing over the past few weeks. He asks my opinion on how to escalate things physically and get out of the friends-zone. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
How are you? Very well, I hope. I’m contacting you for advice. Let me put you in context. I’m the epitome of “the good guy.” I watched too many romantic comedies, and due to health issues, I lost my best years to develop the abilities to talk to and treat women. (It’s never too late to become the person you were meant to be.) I’m 43 years old and have a lot of female friends, but that’s it. I have read your book two times, I’m halfway through the third time, and everything in your book goes against how I thought things work. (At some point you have to admit your strategy sucks, and you need to change it. Read the book 10-15 times, and apply the things I teach.) Little by little, I’m starting to change my behavior towards women and building my confidence. (If you want to be a person of value, you have to apply yourself diligently over and over again, practicing the things you want to become good at in the future.)
The thing is, I have a friend. She’s 28 and has been single for a while. We’ve known each other for about 8 years and we are best friends. We’ve been there for each other for everything. Basically, we’ve been each others therapists, (If you’ve read my book, you know that’s a no-no), and my intentions towards her were never about more than friendship until recently. I have always loved her very much, but now I want her, and to tell you the truth, as “gay” as it sounds, I’m terrified with the possibility of losing her friendship if I do things wrong. (The only way you’ll have a potential shot at owning her heart is if you’re okay with losing her forever, because that may happen.) I had already experienced that with another good friend in the past by confessing my feelings, and everything became awkward after that. (The key is to smile and use humor and to not let the situation diminish you. Make light of the situation and be fun and playful.)
I had already read your book for the first time when I realized my feelings for my best friend, so I haven’t done that mistake this time. For about one month, I have applied your teachings little by little, reducing how much I contact her, and it has been my friend who has done almost 80-90% of it and 60-70% of the talking. (That’s good. You can see she’s making a natural effort. Women solve things by talking about them. They are natural talkers, and by leading the conversation, you can facilitate that. That will make them feel comfortable.) However, it has still been as a friend and most of it by texting, until last week, as she used to write to me daily, sometimes 2 or even 3 times. We have been seeing each other as much as our schedule allows it on weekends, to watch movies. I know that’s what friends do. (Invite her over to make dinner together. When the signs are there, you’ll go for it.) Also, little by little I have been escalating things with more touching and flirting jokingly, but I haven’t noticed anything that could be interpreted as an invitation for more from her. (Let her touch you, and keep your hands to yourself. If she starts touching you, that’s when you can escalate things. If you’re being chased, you don’t have to worry about getting rejected.) I suppose she has noticed my actions and can read the intentions. Since last Friday, she has backed away, and she acted kind of distant last Saturday. (Probably because you were touching a little too much. Look at my article and video, “Why Women Prefer To Chase Men,” and it will make lot more sense to you. Also look at “Women Are Like Cats, Men… Dogs.”) We’re taking the same language class.
I’m in the friend zone, that’s a fact, because I wasn’t interested in something else before. To this point, there hasn’t been any invitation for something more from her to go for a kiss, and I don’t want to force it. (It sounds like you were touching her too much. As she’s talking, look at her lips a few times and see if she looks at your lips. If so, she’s thinking the same thing, and you should go for the kiss.) I’m initiating the touching, not her, and nothing too bold to make her feel uncomfortable. (Look at her overall behavior. She’s backing away, and the chances of you getting rejected are very high.) My question is, can that strategy work? (It hasn’t worked up to this point.) Can I escalate things little by little until they reach the unavoidable “talk,” so as to jeopardize as little of the friendship as possible? (If you follow what my book teaches, you will take zero risk because you’re only taking action based upon signs that are there.) If you could please let me know how I should proceed, that would be very much appreciated. Thank you very much. (Back off, let her touch first, create the conditions where you can interact with one another, and she’ll feel safe and comfortable enough to touch you.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Attraction is handled by nature. It is not a conscious choice. We do not choose whom we feel attracted to. Some we are more attracted to than others, and some are more attracted to us than others. It is also possible to go from low attraction to higher attraction over time if there is a minimum level of initial attraction. Scarcity creates value. Abundance lowers and levels it out. Human beings naturally value what is scarce. When your time is scarce and you have an abundance of options, you get the best choices and negotiating position. Become a person of value whom people want to be around, and eventually you will have an abundance of romantic, business and career choices, as well as friendship choices.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne