What To Do When Her Words & Actions Don’t Match

What you should do when the words and actions of a woman you are dating don’t match.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for the past six years. He says he’s read How To Be A 3% Man 20 times. He recently started hooking up with a female friend of his from college. However, she is hot and cold and broke their last date. She never followed up to reschedule like she said she would.

They haven’t spoken in three months, and he wonders what he should do now. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

He admits that he made mistakes, and it sounds like he originally got himself friendzoned because he didn’t do the right things. He’s also dealing with a perception that he gave her in the beginning that he was weak, and that’s obviously part of the reason why he was in friend zone with her. And then, as he started getting out of friend zone with her, he continued making mistakes.

When I was young and I didn’t know any better, I’d get irritated and pissed off when people would tell me one thing and then do another. And then as I got older and I had got more life experience, I started to realize that if you just focus on what people do and not what they say, then you’re not really going to be disappointed, because their actions tell you everything. Human beings don’t want to hurt somebody else’s feelings, so they’ll say things that they don’t really mean and then figure out later on, “I’ll just blow them off” or “I won’t follow through on what I said” to prevent any unpleasant confrontations in person, or disagreements, or butt-hurt feelings.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

I want to start by saying I appreciate your work. I have been a follower since 2016 and have had many successes from applying your work. I have read 3% Man more than 20 times, and I make sure to watch at least a couple of your videos every day to freshen up on the fundamentals. 

I want to know your thoughts on this situation. Recently, I hooked up with a friend that I’ve known since college. We’re in our late 20s. She’s cute, easy going, smart, has a good head on her shoulders, and a healthy family structure. We met before I found your work. I was weak with her back then. I asked her to be my girlfriend, (yeah, I was that guy, smh). She rejected me and we agreed to stay friends, (my come on, man moment!).

It’s difficult in those particular situations, because she’s already formed a perception of you. He obviously got rejected, she put him in friend zone, he agreed to it, thereby communicating that he wasn’t strong enough to say “thanks, but no thanks” and walk away from that. A lot of guys do that, and that’s how you get stuck in perpetual friend zone.

I dated other women shortly after, and she moved back to her hometown 3 hours away. We kept in touch, and three months ago we hung out, had fun, and hooked up on three separate occasions.

When he says “we kept in touch,” more than likely I’m going to assume he was probably doing most of the keeping in touch. Even though he didn’t say it, when I read this email and I kind of see how things went, more than likely, he was still continuing to pursue and hoping to convert her.

The idea is that in order to own a woman’s heart, she’s got to know that if she pushes you too far, you’ll walk and never look back. And if you’re interested in sex and romance and she puts you in friend zone, and then you agree to friend zone, and you keep pursuing or trying to get her to hang out and keep in touch, as he said, that continues to confirm that she made the right decision by putting you in friend zone.

Or, more than likely, one of her male orbiters that she enjoys the attention and validation from – I mean, let’s face it, all of us, men and women, when you have somebody the opposite sex that really has the hots for you, even if you’re not interested in them, it makes you feel better about yourself. We all want to feel needed, wanted and desired.

Each time she reached out to me first, the next day saying how much fun she had except for this last time. I did not hear from her, so I gave it a few days then reached out.

What I can tell from that is, as I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” if you start dating a new woman, somebody that’s brand new, and say you go out, you have your first date, things go well. A week later, you maybe have your second date. Maybe you hook up, because again, most women sleep with the guy by the second or third date. And then, a few days later, she reaches out, you get together again, and then you’re seeing each other two times a week at that point.

Then all of a sudden she kind of disappears. The fallback position in that scenario, because, again, it’s a new woman in your life, is if you don’t hear from her, then after seven days or a week or so, reach out and set a new date. But in this particular case, because this is somebody he got friend zoned with, he should have been letting her do all of the calling, texting and pursuing. And it includes this situation, where he says she reached out and they hooked up both of these times, and then she disappeared, so he reached out.

So, that tells me he’s still inclined to keep pursuing somebody that backed off, because this particular situation, this is kind of him trying to get an ex back. Because they were dating for a while back in college, and then he got friendzoned. And then they stayed in touch, more than likely him continuing to reach out, and then she blew him off. And it’s also possible there was another guy that things went sideways with, and he was the first dude she thought of, because she knew she could have him. They started hooking up, and then maybe things turned around with this other guy. Maybe the other guy got in touch.

That’s oftentimes what happens. And if you have told a woman you’re not interested in being friends and then she starts reaching out to you, she’s got to fix it. She puts put you in friend zone, and therefore, she’s got to get you out of friend zone. And that’s why in that particular situation, you let her do all of the pursuing. In other words, she wrecked the romance, therefore, she’s got to fix the romance.

If she wrecked the romance and starts coming back, you don’t pick up the ball and start pursuing her again. Because, as soon as you do that, nine times out of ten in these situations you get blown off and jerked around again. This way, if she starts coming back to you – because again, she’s got to fix it, she’s got to do all of the calling, texting and pursuing. And if she doesn’t, then she can fade in the background. You can see her in your rearview mirror get smaller and smaller and smaller.

I was genuinely busy. We chatted for a little bit then I tried to set a date like how I usually do with her, but she did not respond for a week.

That’s exactly why you don’t pursue, because there is a reason why she stopped moving forward. And if I was a betting man, if I’m in Las Vegas, I would say there’s probably another guy in the picture and things weren’t going well with him, and that’s why she reached out to you. And then he came back in the picture, and that’s why she disappeared. That’s why you’ve got to just let her be. Because again, she stuck you in friend zone, and therefore, she’s got to pull you out of it, and you’re not letting her do that.

She said she has been busy, but she has been thinking about me.

This is where I talk about words and actions. Her actions don’t communicate that she’s thinking about you, even though she says it. “Oh, I’ve been busy.” When somebody says they’re busy, it’s not that they’re that busy, It’s just they’re busy and you’re just not that important to them. That’s what you have to see. But since he got rejected several years ago, rejection breeds obsession. That’s why, whether he realizes it or not, he still is falling under the illusion of action, thinking he’s got to pursue her. He’s talking himself into chasing this girl.

I was not perturbed and did not double text. I kept it playful and she seemed to respond positively. When I brought up going out again, she stopped responding for two weeks this time.

That is really rude. If somebody is in your life and is close to you, and then they wait 24 hours or longer to respond, that shows that you don’t matter to them. They don’t really give a shit about you. You don’t chase after people that do that to you.

At this point I knew something was up since she used to respond within a day and now it’s weeks. Very predictable though. I knew women like to stir things up. I was still unperturbed (love that word) and played it cool by not double texting. I also had other prospects at this time, so it was not intentional.

When she responded, we set up a confirmed date about a week away. Three days before the date she messaged me to cancel, saying that her mom was in the hospital and that her family will be over for Christmas.

Again, this is one of those kinds of things, “I’m just busy. I’m crazy busy. I don’t have any time.” Her mother may or may not have been in the hospital, it could have been a minor thing, but women tend to take those minor things and make a big deal out of it to make their excuse sound more believable. It’s possible it was really a big deal, but when you see what actually happens, you go, “Okay, it was probably bullshit.” She probably made it sound more serious than it was.

I gave her my well wishes and told her to message me when she’s free and ready to go out again. She agreed and said she will. 

So, her words are, “Oh, I will get definitely get in touch with you.” And if you love and you value yourself and you know that you bring something to the table, you want somebody to choose you also. And so, you give her the freedom to be congruent with her words. If she really does want to see you. She will reach out like she said she would. But if she doesn’t, then you know where you stand.

That’s why there’s no reason to get butt-hurt when you look at her actions. Her words communicated she was more interested than she was. And when you look at her actions, her actions show that she hooked up with you a couple of times, there was probably something going on with another guy and that started to progress, and then poof, she disappeared.

And if things go sideways with that dude in the future, more than likely she’ll be back. That’s why you don’t keep pursuing. Because she starts to learn that no matter what she does to you, no matter how rude and disrespectful, you’ll just keep putting up with it. And women can’t love a man they don’t respect. No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do.

It has now been 3 months, and I have not contacted her.

I would never contact her or call her again for any reason. She has been rude and disrespectful and treated you like you were garbage. She threw you away like you were nothing. And yet you’re still pedestalizing this girl and hoping she gives you her attention and time, instead of looking at the fact that she acted like a ratchet.

If her mom was really in the hospital would I be an asshole to not follow up and check on her?

Well, what about her blowing you off? What about the fact that three months have gone by, and she told you she was going to communicate with you and reach out to you, and she hasn’t. If you bottom line her actions and you haven’t heard from her in three months, it means she doesn’t give a fuck about you. Again, she was probably just using you as a little rebound sex to make herself feel better when something didn’t work out with another guy.

Is she testing me? Did I over pursue?

Well, you’ve kind of always been over pursuing, that’s why you got friend zoned in the first place.

Maybe it was moving too fast for her?

Again, if she’s trying to get you back, that should not be an issue. But again, you started pursuing as soon as you started reaching out. I see this so much when I do phone sessions with guys. They have a girl, they screwed something up, they chased her out of their lives. They back off, they go no contact. She starts to reach out. She does it one or two times, and then she disappears for a few days, like this one did. And then they start calling and texting. They go right back to the same exact behavior that got them rejected, and then, the same exact thing happens again. They get blown off by the girl and they’re like, “What happened?”

Well, if you’re the prize and you’re the gift and she genuinely screwed up, then she’s going to have to make all of the effort to get another chance with you, not the other way around. And the problem with guys in this situation is their mindset is, “If I could just get another chance, if I could just spend time with her, if I could just talk to her, if I could just see her in person.” The reality is she treats you like dirt. You don’t invite people who treat you like dirt and take you for granted to continue doing that. You give them the gift of missing you.

I am on my purpose and have been busy with my work, but I am still actively dating. Unfortunately, though, the dating pool is mostly trash, ha-ha. I have not had any solid connections lately.

Well, being impatient and upset that somebody hasn’t come along is what keeps people going back to something that’s mediocre, or going back to somebody that’s not treating them well, or in this case, somebody that just jerks you around.

I know I must charge all the losses to the game, but this one was a solid connection that I would hate to lose.

Well, you’re looking at the fact that you think it’s a solid connection, but if you look at her actions, you don’t mean anything to her. She doesn’t care. I know that’s harsh, but you need to hear the truth, man. If you bottom line her actions, she doesn’t give a fuck. She’s probably banging some other dude right now, and maybe that worked out, and she’ll live happily ever after and you never hear from her again. Also, you may hear from her in six months. You just never know.

That’s why when you get screwed over like this and you get friend zoned, you’re not going to give any energy to somebody that sticks you in friend zone. Again, they have to pull you back out of that. That’s why they have to make all of the effort.

A very fun fuck too, I should add, ha-ha. Do you think she will be back even past 3 months?

It’s possible. Sometimes women get in touch years later. You just never know. But at the end of day, it doesn’t matter. She screwed it up again. She blew you off again. You don’t chase after somebody, inviting them to do it to you again, unless you’re a masochist, of course.

Since I asked twice for a date now and she flaked the last time, should I just let her bring up going out when she contacts me? Appreciate any response you might have.

Keep up the good work!

Bob

Well, either way. If she reaches out, I would assume she wants to see you. Invite her over to make dinner together. Follow the script right out of “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” If she won’t make a date, then say, “Great, figure out your schedule and get back to me.” And then, if she gets in touch one more time try to make a date, because again, she’s reaching out to you. And then if she won’t make a date, then you’ll never bring it up.

Then all of your future phone calls and text exchanges will be brief – two to three text exchanges max, two to three minutes on the phone max, and you’ll be like, “Hey, it was really great hearing your voice, but I’ve got to run to an appointment. I’ll talk to you later. Keep in touch.” That’s all you’ve got to say. So, that’s what I would do in that particular case, but the problem that you’re not seeing is that you’re still looking for excuses and reasons to chase after this girl. And you value her, but she doesn’t value you, if you just bottom line her actions.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.

“We tend to see reality as we want it to be, not as it really is. Everyone encounters people who say all kinds of flowery language and compliments that sound nice, but their actions rarely are congruent with their words. When you encounter people whose words and actions do not match, match and mirror their actions and ignore their words. Then, you will never be disappointed when someone’s words don’t match their actions, because a person’s actions reveal their true intentions and feelings.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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