What women really want and how to give it to them, according to women who are honest about masculinity, jerks, being too nice and what they find attractive in men.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who shared four Elite Daily articles written by women on what really turns them on and attracts them to assholes and bad boys, even though most women claim they really want a nice guy. What I loved about these articles is that these women really understand attraction and how it works. They also explain from a woman’s perspective why the nice guy turns them off, even though on paper, the nice guy is everything a woman is supposed to want, but they still reject them. These four articles back up everything I say as to what women really want from a woman’s perspective. Four different women who confirm in their honest and straightforward articles everything I teach in my book, “How To Be A 3% Man.” My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of her email.
Hope you are well man! I have been reading your articles on the website, awesome, and just ordered your book. I downloaded the article below some time ago, and it’s amazing, probably not for you, to see this take from a woman’s perspective on “nice guys,” scarcity = creating value, and “giving space.” Thought you would enjoy!
I highlighted key parts that resonate from your coaching also.
I’ve dated nice guys, I’ve been friends with nice guys, and I’ve objectively observed nice guys from the sideline while they sent “good morning” texts and bought flowers. It’s usually unfair to group men of any kind into a stereotype, but we can make that rule permissible for the sweethearts who experience an identical outcome to their time-consuming (and expensive, holy hell), courting and wooing — they never get the girl.
They never even get close to getting the girl. Their text messages are left unread, their DMs are unopened, and the girl they just bought an expensive dinner for has seemingly passed onto the Great Beyond and ghosted them.
(That was my experience in my 20’s, and I could never get anybody to give me a straight answer as to why this was. Remember, women don’t want to hurt a guy’s feelings.)
Meanwhile, bad boys are cannonballing in p*ssy and do absolutely nothing for it. No, literally… like they aren’t doing anything at all. They just sit there.
(In my book I say, when you meet somebody, you call her once a week and start out with one date. Why is that? Scarcity creates value. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And here you have a woman confirming this.)
It has to be a blow to the ego when you really like someone, but every action you make in an attempt to have that feeling reciprocated pushes her away. It’s like “OK, I just did everything in my power to make her feel special and beautiful, and in return she sh*t on my whole life.”
(That’s why I talk about the illusion of action. Us guys are driven to succeed, and we mistakenly think by doing things with women, calling them, texting them, professing our love for them, how much we like them and how much we feel like it’s fate we’re together, it is going to make them like us more. But building sexual attraction with a woman is kind of like baking a cake. You put the cake in the oven, you put the timer on, and you can look through the window with the light on in the oven and just watch it slowly rise.
What the average guy does is, he’s in a hurry and a rush to get the cake to rise, so he’s constantly opening the oven door every couple of minutes to see if it’s rising yet. What happens is, all the heat comes out of the oven, kind of like dissipating sexual anticipation, so it never really grows. You shouldn’t be in such a rush to get into a relationship.)
Resenting women in general would seem like the next logical step in thinking, with abundant evidence supporting the hypothesis that women love assh*les more than nice guys. Right?
Well… kind of.
I’m going to betray all women for a second (many of whom love to pretend women think nice guys are just as sexy and desirable as bad boys — ROFL, we do not) and try to get our perspective to make sense. After all, men and women have the same end goal — we just prefer different deliveries.
Say you meet a girl and take her out to dinner. The next day, she texts you thanking you for such a great time, asks how your day is going, maybe sends over a thoughtful article on topic with the intelligent discussion you had over dessert. By the end of the week, she’s surprising you with nights in watching the game while she cooks. You would f*cking marry this girl and want to plant your seed in her.
OK, now picture another girl. This one could even be hotter than the last. She’s nice, funny and owns an impressive college degree. Her ass is huge. Throughout the date, she peppers you with questions like, “Would you say you’re an ambitious person? Where do you see yourself in five years? Is it with me? And our children?”
The next day, she’s mailed baby clothes to your apartment with your last name embroidered on tiny matching hats. She texts you thanking you for such a great night, and when you don’t answer after five minutes, she asks if you’re cheating on her. It doesn’t matter how hot and cool she is, you now want to scuba dive into the Pacific Ocean without an air tank.
Remember this feeling, because this is how women feel when you shower us with attention too early in the game.
I know this clingy psycho behavior is not what you’re doing specifically, but I have to exaggerate so that you get it. It doesn’t matter what kind of attention you’re giving us — if it’s too much, you seem like a serial killer. Nice guys are Girl #2; guys who ignore us are Girl #1.
That stomach churning feeling I mentioned is how we feel when a nice guy invests too much too soon. What women find creepy and intrusive could seem sweet and innocent from the male perspective, and it is vital to understand the difference.
(That’s the whole reason for one date per week, because as her attraction starts to grow, remember feminine energy is about bonding, connecting, opening up to receive love, dating labels, relationship labels, ‘Where is this going?,’ ‘Where do you see us?,’ you’ve got to give her the space for this stuff to happen. Less really is more.)
When you’ve spent less than a cumulative 48 hours with a girl (and this time could be spread out over three to five dates), you do not know her. I don’t care how great your conversation was, how in-depth you discussed each others’ pasts and presents or how deeply you’ve stared into each others’ eyes.
You know only two things — what she wants you to know, and whether you would put your dick in her.
Whether the combination of the two equals infatuation depends on you, but the simplest fact is that you are still technically strangers in the “Getting To Know Each Other” phase of dating.
When you are still in this 48-hour time period and you decide to text her compliments and affirmation of your interest every single day, ask her on dates every single weekend or offer to spend a ton of money on sh*t she doesn’t need, she doesn’t think, “Oh heavens, he is the Prince Charming I’ve always been searching for!” No, she thinks, “He’s obsessed with me, and I can do whatever I want.” She is not going to respect or value you.
(In other words, it invites women to start thinking they can treat you like a doormat, because once they think you’re weak, they’re going to try more and more to test your strength and see what they can get away with. The average, supplicating nice guy allows a woman to walk all over him, treat him like a doormat, and he runs after her with flowers. She is not going to respect or value you because you’re not respecting and valuing yourself. If a woman doesn’t treat you right and you’re a high-status male who has plenty of options, it might hurt, but you’re still going to walk away, because deep down you know you deserve better, and it’s simply a matter of time before you find better.)
Just like the girl sending monogrammed baby clothes, you have erased any sense of urgency from the potential relationship with your early investment. If anything, you’ve sent her backpedaling to placing you in the “option” category before she even knows you. Even though you just want her to like you, you are now considered overly available.
As women, we are fully aware that we have done nothing at this point to warrant your loyalty or admiration besides sit there and not be horrible. We do not think “Yes, Lord! Finally, a man who sees me!”
(Just because she’s beautiful doesn’t mean she automatically qualifies to be your wife. She’s on probation too. She’s got to earn you. Like the cake analogy I used, women take time.)
We just assume you’re either lonely or horny. We also know we probably won’t have to put in any more effort to keep you around because clearly you’re devoting all of your available energy into us and only us.
(It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear, and here you have a woman saying that.)
So, you will, by default, either scare us off if we aren’t hunting for a relationship (and contrary to popular belief, many single Millennial women aren’t), or we’ll put you on the back burner while we continue to f*ck around, because we know you’ll be there.
(Too many guys are happy being put in backup position. That’s why I say, if you’ve been dumped, rejected or stuck in friends zone, “The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it,” that famous quote by Michael Yon. If a woman’s not valuing you and appreciating you, you have to give her the gift of missing you, sometimes permanently.)
It sounds f*cked up. I get that, but it’s actually a predictable concept.
I’ve gone on dates with guys who were perfect on paper — sweet, intelligent, attentive… ugh, really just too attentive. They would attempt to monopolize my free time by asking to see me on every day off, which would potentially take away from time spent with my friends and family.
For my sanity I need time for girl-only nights, to work out, clean my apartment and, honestly, just spend some days alone to recharge and watch alien documentaries. When I have sh*t to do and a guy won’t stop bugging me I think, “Jesus, if he could just go away and ignore me for one week, I would actually like him.”
It isn’t fair to a woman to impose any amount of commitment on her immediately, whether that expectation is to text you constantly or spend all of her free time with you. She probably has stuff to do, and until she is your girlfriend, you should assume there are other guys on the table as well.
(Women have lot of options, especially the pretty ones. Most guys don’t know what I teach in my book, and what are they doing? They’re blowing up her phone, kissing her ass, tolerating little signs of disrespect, and putting up with it. And they’re always wondering about the guy that hasn’t called, or they can’t really figure out where she stands with them. That is a male strength characteristic. In other words, the guy’s got his own life, he’s doing his own thing. He’s not in a rush to settle down with anyone, because he has options too. And the guy who doesn’t have options is all over her like white on rice.)
It also isn’t fair to YOU, boys, to invest all of your time and energy into someone who is not in a position to appreciate it. Don’t set yourself up for failure. If she isn’t receptive to your advances, it doesn’t mean she’s an ungrateful bitch. She probably just doesn’t want it.
Girls usually just like to have sex with bad boys because challenges become conquests, and conquests are fun. We rarely settle down with these guys. The one thing “bad boys” (ew, can we come up with a better name for them?) do right is they give us enough space to miss them.
(If a woman is unsure of herself, if she’s thinking about you, wondering about you and talking to her girlfriends about you, her attraction level is growing.)
Please, believe me when I say you do not have to turn into an obnoxious assh*le to make girls like you. There is only one thing you need to do to stop coming off as the needy nice guy: leave her alone.
It’s that simple. Leave her alone, stop blowing up her phone, stop asking what she’s doing every second of the day. If you have already been putting in strenuous amounts of effort to get her attention and receive radio silence in return, it’s not too late to back off. Stop trying to woo her, stop trying to create a fairy tale. I can’t say it enough times: Leave. Her. Alone.
(That’s why I talk about how dating is like a game of tennis. You hit the ball over the net, and if she doesn’t hit it back, you go and play with somebody else. You go out and live your life.)
All you have to do is relax and spend the majority of your time focusing on creating a fulfilling life for yourself that will attract other people by default. It’s a win-win situation because you will have you own self-created happiness to fall back on.
(That’s where a man focuses on his mission, his purpose and life. He’s got goals, he’s got ambition, he’s got an awesome life he’s trying to create. And as a side effect of having an awesome, interesting life, interesting people show up and want to spend time with them. You’re not looking to a woman to make you happy, because you’re already happy. What you’re looking for is a woman who’s got a great life as well, somebody to share your completeness with. And again, this is something that takes place over time.)
Plus, you won’t have to pretend to be busy and ignore a girl you like, which constitutes as playing games — the most immature and counter-productive move you could make.
Hang out with your friends, volunteer, and get some work done. I don’t know, ride a bike or something. You should genuinely be busy with work or your other hobbies and obligations.
(Many times, guys get into a relationship and they give up that stuff because they think that’s what women want. But you can never stop being that interesting guy that had a full life before you met her. When that happens, you’re no longer the same dude.)
Then, when you are free, ask her on a nice date and take your time getting to know her. Treat her well. She will find you more attractive for having a well-rounded lifestyle, and the time you do spend together will not be taken for granted.
Live with the vibe that you are a fun, successful and well-liked person, and you will continue to be that person with or without a girlfriend. It’s OK to acknowledge that it would be nice to share your fulfilling life with someone else, but know your life will not lack substance in any way without a counterpart.
(Remember “The Myth Of The One,” the article and video I did several years ago?)
Women do not like guys who ignore them because we think they are disinterested or don’t care. We value men with busy and dynamic lives, and we love that when they are available, they CHOOSE to spend some of that free time with us. Or, they bring us along for the fun things they already have planned and share what keeps them feeling fulfilled. That is what makes us feel special.
(Scarcity creates value. The more a woman likes you, the more she’s going to call, the more she’s going to text, the more she’s going to want to see you, the more affectionate she’s going to be, and the more she will talk about things in the future together. Let it happen. Give her the space and time to create the fairy tale in her mind, and she’ll be all over your fucking ass.
If she wants to get on your fun bus, great. If she wants to get off of your bus, that’s okay too, because at the end of the day, you’re going where you want to go, and you just give her an invitation to join you. If she turns you down say, “Give me a call if you change your mind.” Your life doesn’t come to a complete halt because of a pretty girl. You’re including her in your already awesome life. Remember, the greatest gift you can give anybody is the gift of your time.)
Nice guys want to be nice — I truly believe that. If you abstain from sabotaging a potential relationship with an overabundance of attention too soon, you can give her a chance to really digest what you have to offer and whether or not you would fit well together. So don’t f*ck it up.
(Remember, how do women look at guys when they first start dating them… “Is he good for me?”)
THIS ELITE DAILY ARTICLE: “Here’s What Nice Guys Need To Do To Actually Get The Girl For Once”
Links to the three other Elite Daily articles referenced:
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Most guys who do not know any better, think that being extra nice, accommodating and attentive to women will cause women to fall for them. This is fine when she is your girlfriend, but not when you just started dating. Men who over-pursue and incessantly call or text women they just met or just started dating, give off the same vibe as a potential serial killer or stalker. This obviously scares women and causes them to run away and lose interest. This is why women will choose the indifferent jerk or asshole over the nice guy. Scarcity creates value. Less really is more when it comes to creating attraction in women towards you. No matter how much you like a woman, unless you allow her to come to you at her own pace, it won’t be her idea. If you don’t give a woman the space and time to mutually choose you and wonder about you, she will choose someone else. What women say they want and what they really respond to in a man are not the same.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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