What you should do when she likes you romantically, acts like she doesn’t, but her friends also like you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says a woman in his mutual circle of friends likes him. However, he says she acts like she doesn’t like him. He says he “maintains his frame” and doesn’t do anything, which makes no sense. So, they seem to have staring contests, but he doesn’t approach her or ask her out. He just hangs back, as he says.
He asks what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
It doesn’t seem like he’s doing anything to ask her out or talk to her in conversation. He says, “I maintain my frame, but I don’t pursue,” so I don’t understand what he’s hoping to accomplish – that he’s going to force her to approach him and basically become the man and ask him out? But he also has an interesting thing, several of her friends seem to be interested in him as well. So, it brings up a good topic, because this is going to happen to every guy at some point. And what’s interesting about women, when they like the same guy, oftentimes, even if they’re the best of friends, women will screw each other over to try to land that particular guy.
I’m a past contributor, reader of your book the 3% Man, (in excess of the 10-15 times), and I voraciously watch your video newsletters. I also recommend you to any of my friends when girlfriend issues come up.
Well, at the end of the day, you can watch all my videos and read my book a hundred times, but if you don’t actually take action and apply what’s in here, it’s useless. And that’s the gist I get from your email, that you’re not doing anything and you’re waiting for this woman to approach you, and ask you out, and basically be the man.
So, to follow up on your video, “Bringing A Woman Into Your Social Circle,” I have a follow up question. Recently, I met a woman that arrived into my social group via a tennis group that I participate in. To me, she is the apex female: model, PhD, comedian – an alpha woman. I was attracted to her immediately, (and I generally don’t get interested in just anyone. I don’t date just to date or just get laid).
Now, I don’t want to make delusional statements, nor be narcissistic, but I feel that she is mutually attracted to me. (I certainly look at her, and I’ve caught her looking at me.) I am not pursuing. I have stayed back and maintained my frame.
The bottom line is he’s been having a staring contest for five months. He doesn’t say anything about interacting with her or that he even knows anything about her. Or maybe what he does know about her is what he’s learned from other people. So, hanging back and maintaining your frame, which a lot of the guys in the red pill community like to talk about and regurgitate, it’s pointless.
Because, as I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” you’re the man, you’re the one with the penis. You’re supposed to be the leader. If you see a cute, fair maiden and you want to talk to her or you want to date her, you have to ask her out. You’ve got to open that big hole in your face and go talk to her. Just hanging back and hoping she’s going to come over and be the man, I don’t know what you hope to accomplish with that. So, come on, man.
We have come together in various group social settings over the past 5 months, and instead of developing a better rapport with her, I feel like she is ignoring me. In fact, I know she is. She also has/had a boyfriend, which allegedly might be on the outs, (but who really knows).
It’s almost like you’ve probably made it clear to everybody in your social circle that you like her and you’re interested in her. You’re asking everybody questions about her, which undoubtedly, that’s going to get back to her. And if this shit’s been going on for five months and you’re talking about this girl to everybody but her, you’re making yourself look like a bitch. Come on, man.
“Life happens when you move, stagnation happens when you die.” Panache Desai said that, and it’s so true. What did you hope to accomplish here? Because it just makes you look weak if you’re talking about her to everybody, but when she walks in a room, you just kind of act like you don’t care. If you have staring contests but then you don’t take any action, you’re communicating you have zero confidence. And if this woman truly is this alpha that you speak of, she’s going to be disgusted by that behavior. She’s going to be not interested in you and lose respect for you. And that might be why she is ignoring you and doesn’t look at you.
I’m finding your comments about the group to really be true. Some of her friends in the group are soliciting me, but I’m not interested whatsoever in them. I feel like all I have to gain is a potential loss. Based on your commentary regarding group dynamics, what would you recommend?
Well, five fucking months, dude, I mean, seriously. You should have asked her out the first time you saw her and you made eye contact and she smiled at you. That’s what the book teaches. But avoiding her, what do you hope to accomplish? I mean, five months have gone by, and when you do this, this is typically what guys do that have no confidence. They just sit around and think puffing their chest out and “maintaining their frame” is going to somehow make the woman throw themselves at your feet, throw their panties at you and say, “Take me home and ravish me, and marry me, and we’ll live happily ever after,” as if that’s something that’s going to happen. So, I don’t understand what you hope to accomplish, but the longer this goes on, the more you make yourself look weak. And therefore, she’s not going to on a date to weak guy, especially if she’s a woman that you claim she is.
I’m assuming what you’re telling yourself is that you shouldn’t talk to her. That’s part of your story. But at the end of the day, as I teach in “How To Be A 3% Man,” you should treat all women the same, whether you like them or not. You should be playful and fun with all women, especially ones that have a good attitude.
Now, granted, there’s plenty of truly foul bitches in the world, and you don’t want to be around them or talk to them, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case. And the reality is, if you like a girl and her friends also like you, you should talk to all of them, especially if the one you’re interested in maybe turned you down or is not so interested in you. Or maybe she’s a little frosty toward you. Go talk to her friends and completely ignore her, because oftentimes if there is some interest, that will cause her to make an effort to get your attention.
But it sounds like you’re just standing around and doing nothing like a statue, as if that’s going to help you. You have to participate in your own rescue and standing around doing nothing like a robot just makes you look weak and undesirable. And on top of that, if you’re going around gossiping about this girl that you like. Everybody knows that you like this particular girl. It’s been going on for five months now. And so, what that’s also going to do is form an opinion amongst the other women in the group that you’re a weak bitch. None of them are going to want to date you, they’re all going to lose interest in you, and they’re going to think you’re pathetic. And I would imagine that’s not what you want, but that’s what you’re doing here.
Maybe you should follow what the book teaches. What you should have done five months ago was go up and talk to her. Engage her in conversation. Ask her the kind of questions that she would enjoy answering. Have the attitude of “Do I like this girl? Is she good for me? Does our conversation flow well?” But it doesn’t sound like you know, because over five months now, you’ve never really talked to her, and that just makes no sense. You are suffering from the paralysis of analysis.
I feel like this girl knows I exist and, therefore, I should just drop the social scene when her and her friends are included. I am frustrated that I’m not getting more traction here.
But feel if that is the case, I should redirect and ignore her myself. Do other things with other people, as I don’t want to become a beta male orbiter.
Well, you kind of already did that to yourself.
On the other hand, I could continue maintaining my frame and not do anything.
What is that going to accomplish?
I’m a binary guy when it comes to decisions. Either I’m in or out. What do you think I should do?
Thanks! You are outstanding as always!
What does the book say? You should go talk to her and ask her out. But there’s a good chance at this point, after five months, that she thinks you’re a pussy and is not interested in you and has no respect for you. Because if you’re in this mutual social circle and you’ve learned all this stuff about her, because you’re asking about her all the time, it obviously got back to her, and so, she knows that you’re interested in her.
All you’ve done is make yourself look weak and pathetic, “Maintaining my frame.” If you were maintaining your frame and you were being a man, you’d go talk to her and ask her out. And then, five months ago, you would have either gone out with her or not. And now, all you’ve done is make yourself look pathetic to her, to the other women in your social circle, and the rest of the guys, because you’re going around gossiping like a chick about her and not taking any action.
You’re doing the opposite of what the book teaches, so you shouldn’t be surprised that I’m ripping you. Because somebody needs to talk some sense into you, and that’s what I’m trying to do now. You’ve got to take action, because you’ve got five months of your life that you’ve been focusing on this girl and doing nothing. And so, that’s five months of your life you can’t get back. That’s five months with zero practice. That’s five months with zero interactions with other women. That’s five months of going on no dates with anybody. What do you hope to accomplish by that? You are the man, after all, and it’s up to you to be leader and to take action.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“When a woman likes you, she tends to smile when you make eye contact, stands too close, to the point where she is “accidentally” bumping into you, asks you personal questions about yourself, plays with her hair, exposes her neck to you, touches your arm, laughs at your stupid jokes and generally finds reasons to put herself into your orbit. When a man notices this behavior, he should be direct, decisive and get her contact information or even make a date on the spot. Men who dither and hesitate and have pointless staring contests, without taking action to make a date, eventually get classified as platonic friends who lack confidence and are therefore, undateable.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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