How to know when you should reach out and when you should let a woman go if she is not making a mutual effort.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is new to my work. He met a woman a year ago that started out with high romantic interest, but after only three dates her interest dissolved. He reached out a year later and she was excited, only to lose interest and ghost him once again.
He asks what he should do since it’s been two months. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Obviously, he’s doing something wrong, because twice now she’s come into his life and he literally chased her right back out. And I do see this quite a bit, because guys don’t listen to me. They don’t read the book 10 to 15 times, and then an ex comes back into the picture, then they just go right back to pursuing, and she goes from being excited to talk to him again to totally bored and just ghosting him within a short period of time.
The key with this is just noticing the level of reciprocation that’s coming from the other person. And that’s obviously a big thing that he failed to do. In other words, he was focused on his own high interest in her and completely ignoring the fact that her interest was low and it was dropping.
A lot of guys, when they notice a girl’s interest dropping, they think they have to do something. It’s what I call the illusion of action, that I reference it in How To Be A 3% Man. Then they started thinking, “I’ve got to do something to make her like me more,” which is attention seeking, looking for her validation and attention, versus the other way around. Instead of living his life and treating her as a potential complement to his life, he tried to make her the center of his life, and that doesn’t go over too well.
I’m Bob, 31, a fitness guy and a lawyer. I came upon your material 2 weeks ago, and I’ve read your book, 3% Man, one time so far.
I started dating this girl last summer and initially I was hesitant to meet her. I cancelled on her before our first date. She was okay with me cancelling and was willing to reschedule, which I interpret as her having a high attraction for me at that particular point.
Obviously. I don’t know about high attraction, it just means she was attracted enough to where she still wanted to go out with you.
Once we met, I fell for her immediately.
Hang out, have fun and hook up, bro. Don’t hang out, have fun and then fall for her immediately. That’s not going to end well. Because women are like, “Eh, do I like this guy? Is he good for me? Let’s see what happens.” And he goes out with her, she visually matches what he thinks is his ideal, and it’s like, “Oh, this is the woman I’m having kids with. This is it , forever and ever!” And he just totally comes unglued.
She had an amazing body, (she works as a gym instructor), and a great smile. Also, she is one of the most charming people I have ever met. We went out, and for every date I could feel her interest getting lower.
So, if her interest is going the wrong way, more than likely, you’re talking too much about yourself and not getting her to do the talking. She should be doing 80-90 % of the talking on dates. This is how you remain mysterious, but it also creates the conditions where she has to be curious about you, and if she wants to know anything, she has to ask.
If somebody cares if somebody is interested, they ask. And if they don’t, they won’t care. They won’t ask you anything about yourself. It’s really super important. If people like you, they want to know about you. When people don’t like you, they don’t give a shit and they never ask.
We ended up sleeping together on the 3rd date, and after that she ghosted me for six weeks. During this time, I texted her once every second week about setting up a date.
She’s completely ignoring you, and you’re continuing to reach out when you’re getting ghosted. You don’t do that. That shows that your weak, that shows that you have no choices, that shows that other women don’t want you. Because dating is like tennis. You want somebody who mutually chooses you also. So, if you hit the ball over the net, you’ve got to wait for them to hit it back. And the problem was, she wasn’t hitting it back and you kept hitting new balls over the net.
Eventually she called me and said she didn’t have those romantic feelings for me anymore. I said “Alright, fine. Take care, and we will see what happens in the future.”
So, he chased and pursued to the point where she felt nothing. Bad way to go.
She said she wanted to be friends, but I very clearly told her, “Either we are dating, or we are nothing.”
Yeah, she wanted you as a plaything to amuse her. The simple formula is hang out, have fun, hook up. That’s it. Create an opportunity for sex to happen. That’s all you owe.
We didn´t have any contact for a year, despite me still being in love with her all that time.
Yeah, you’re not in love with her, dude. You don’t even know this chick. You’re maybe in lust. You’re lusting after her sexy body, but you weren’t in love. That’s not love, that’s lust.
This summer, I tried texting her once again, said I was going to be in her town over the weekend and asked If she wanted to have drinks. She replied, “I would love to!” We met for drinks and she started apologizing for pulling back the last time.
The reason she pulled back is because he displayed a lot of unattractive beta male behavior. She got turned off, and it made her pussy drier than a bucket of sand. That’s the reality.
She said she had been scared of commitment, and now things had changed.
Okay, that’s what it really is. Sounds logical. He goes, “Oh, that makes so much sense. Of course, she was scared of commitment. Ah, now everything makes sense.” No, she had low interest. Her pussy became drier than the Sahara Desert.
She also talked about seeing each other again, and I said, “We will see how you handle our date tonight,” with a smirk. I felt confident at this point. We had a great time with a lot of laughter and bantering back and forth.
So, what do you think he did after this? I would say, more than likely, based upon her actions, is he thought, “Great. Now that I got a second chance, let me go back to contacting her once a week and pursuing her.” Which, I wouldn’t have done anything. I would just let it be.
He’s trying to force things. Because he’s thinking, “Now that I read this book once, I’m going to get my second chance.” Again, he’s still in the mindset of “I’ve got to get her attention. I’ve got to seek her validation,” instead of being the type of guy who’s a catch, who she would do that to. She would pursue you. She would seek your attention and your validation.
However, the pattern repeated itself and within 3 dates her interest was declining once more. The 4th date she cancels at the last minute because a friend of hers surprised her by visiting, a bullshit reason according to me, but I didn’t confront her about it.
Yeah, she blew you off because her interest was low.
She said she would make it up to me.
Sure. Sure, she will.
I answered, “Have fun with your friend. And as for making it up to me, it better be good.”
What I would have said to her is, “Well, hey, I think it’s great that your friend’s surprising you by visiting, but we’ve got a date. I’ll see you at 7:00,” or “I’ll see you at 8:00,” and just try reiterating it that way and see what she says. And if she’s says, “No, no, I can’t. I’m going to have to go see my friend,” I’d be like, “Okay.” And if she still tries to weasel out of it, I would say, “Well, we have plans. Tell your friend that you can see them tomorrow.” But if she’s determined to cancel the date, then I would delete the number and never call her again or text her for any reason.
She didn’t reply. Now, we haven’t talked for 2 months.
You chased her back out of your life. You still basically did exactly what you did a year ago.
Thanks to your book, I realized I was too focused on having a relationship with this girl.
Ding, ding! Hang out, have fun, hook up.
I also realize she tested the shit out of me during the dates. During these 2 months apart, I have dated other girls, but it’s hard to let her go. Should I do nothing and wait for her to reach out, since she cancelled on me?
Uhh, yeah. You notice, he’s just still rationalizing, “Oh, if I call her one more time, if I keep chasing her…” It’s been two months. You didn’t talk to this chick for a whole year. She told you how excited she was to see you again, and what was her excuse? She said she was “scared of a commitment, and now things had changed.” Okay, sure. Sure, that sounds legit. Things have changed, my ass.
Actually, at the moment she said that, it was legit, that’s what she was feeling. But because he went right back to overpursuing, she blew him off again. She said, “there’s no chemistry” or “no spark.” She didn’t have to say at this time, she just disappeared, cancelled the date, blew him off because some “friend” came into town – probably the guy she actually wanted to fuck. That’s who actually came in the picture. “He’s just a friend,” until he “Oops! He ended up inside of me.”
Or should I go back to contact her once a week?
You never try to keep somebody in your life who doesn’t want to keep you in theirs. So again, he’s still rationalizing, “I’ve got to pursue her. I’ve got to call, I’ve got to text. I’ve got to do something. I’ve got to make it happen!” Bro, two months have gone by and you haven’t heard from her. She doesn’t care. I would delete the number and never call or text again for any reason. And if she does reach out, you’re like, “Who’s this?” Wait twenty-four hours, reply and go, “Oh, hey, who’s this? Oh yeah. I got a new phone, sorry. Hey, what’s going on?”
I would invite her over to make dinner at your place, you’ve already had sex with her. But you’ve got to let this girl do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing, and you should be following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” That means you don’t go meet her, you don’t go pick her up, you don’t go chase after her. You pretty much do the opposite of everything that you’ve done up until this point.
So, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back” should be your guide at this point. And stop trying to look for reasons to chase her. She’s got to do all of the pursuing. She cancelled a date and ghosted you, and it’s been two months. If she ghosted you for a year, I would say, if I was a betting man, more than likely, you will probably never hear from her again. That’s why I say delete the number, move on, just assume it’s over.
You just can’t continue to do that. You literally did the same exact thing you did a year ago, so you shouldn’t be surprised you got rejected. I know it’s harsh, but it’s reality. You’ve got to change your approach, because it ain’t working for you.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“You should spend your time with people who are excited to spend their time with you. People who care about you make the effort to see you. People who don’t can’t be bothered. Self-love notices romantic reciprocation or lack thereof. Never try to keep someone in your life who doesn’t want to keep you in theirs. It’s demeaning to yourself to continue trying to be around people who simply don’t want, value or appreciate you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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