Why it’s never a good idea to constantly focus on where you stand in your relationship with a woman you just started dating.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who started dating his girlfriend in January of 2021. Things were really good for the first 3-4 months, but then they went on vacation together and he was a cold fish due to his mind being preoccupied with work related stresses. About a month or so later, she ended the relationship but then contacted him about three days after the breakup and they hooked up again.
They still see each other about once per week, but things have been in limbo and he keeps trying to find out where he stands with her because things are not progressing fast enough for him. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Men that are always wondering this, especially when they start dating a woman and they may be a few weeks or a few months in, they’re constantly communicating that they’re needy, that they’re insecure, that they lack confidence in themselves. I always say read the book 10 to 15 times. He didn’t follow instructions. He even admits it in the headline of his email that he obviously didn’t read the book enough.
And so, sometimes he’s coming off as being robotic, but the bottom line is he’s focused constantly on where he stands and whether or not it’s going to work out. So, he’s not living in the present moment. He’s living the future and worried about what may or may not happen between them, and it’s affecting his confidence. Women love men that are confident, and he’s not displaying it. And every time he does this, he’s communicating that he’s unsure himself, which is the opposite of being masculine.
They’ve been just kind of muddling along over the last month or so, and it’s not really progressing. And it’s obviously very frustrating to him, but I don’t think he realizes that he’s still been over pursuing. And then on top of that, he’s displaying these needy tendencies, which is going to turn any woman off. Because you’re supposed to be the rock, you’re supposed to be the mountain. You’re supposed to be the guy that knows what he’s doing, that knows what he wants, that goes after it and makes it happen. You’re supposed to be unperturbable, and this guy is the opposite of unperturbable. He’s totally perturbed by where he stands.
The other thing to keep in mind is the Thich Nhat Hanh quote, which says, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” This is especially true with women in creating the space where they can spend a lot of time with you and then kind of drift off like a cat drifts off, and you’re not perturbed by that. And they go off and they hang out with their friends, their girlfriends, their coworkers. They talk about you to all of the women in their lives. They get feedback, “Oh, he’s so cute. He’s so great. You’re so lucky.” And then she’s like, “Oh, my man is so amazing,” and then she gets in touch.
And maybe you haven’t talked in a day, or a few hours, or a day or two and she’s gushing over you, but you didn’t do anything. You just let her be. And this is a hard thing to learn, especially when we literally are programmed and brainwashed from the time we’re little boys that we’ve got to pursue, we’ve got to conquer her. We’ve going to chase her, we’ve got to be a stalker, prove ourselves, and eventually, she’ll fall madly in love with us and love the fact that we acted like a stalker, and we’ll live happily ever after. And that’s just not the way it works in the real world.
Most of the vibe that this guy is giving off is, “I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy. I don’t deserve you. I’m not worthy. I didn’t get enough strokes as a kid. Will you be my mommy?” And it’s really a turnoff for this woman, any woman for that matter. As a man, you’ve got to learn to deal with those feelings of uncertainty about the future, and you’ve got to put your head down and take action.
If you take action and you focus on being in the present moment, which is where you’re going to be taking action, then the future will take care of itself. If you’re living in the future and you’re living in a fearful state about what may or may not happen in the future, then you stop doing what you should be doing as a man in the present moment, which makes you unattractive. It’s a bad way to go.
Twenty-four year old guy here, been dating a girl since January 2021. For the first 3-4 months it was easy, smooth and lots of fun. She fit a lot of things on my “list” you talk about in the book, good family, fit, fun person to be around with your friends. Around month 4 we went on vacation for a week together, and I unknowingly went cold fish due to work stress and was not being as verbally affectionate and focused on her as I should’ve been.
Well, this is what happens when you don’t read the book 10 or 15 times and you don’t follow instructions. And you’re just simply not paying attention. Because the first three or four months, things are easy. You’re like, “Hey, I read this book a couple of times. This is easy. I’ve got this, piece of cake. I don’t need to read this thing 10 to 15 times. I’m special. I’m different. I don’t need to listen to Corey. What does he know? Things are great. She’s all over me.” And then the trouble starts.
After coming back from the trip, she expressed some concern with my actions, if it was how I was going to treat her on future vacations or times one on one. It lead to her making the decision mid-June to cut it.
So obviously, it was like a month, month and a half later that she actually broke it off.
I said I understood and was not interested in being friends, walked her back to her apartment and said goodbye.
So, on some level, he was unsure of himself, probably still pursuing too much, constantly trying to find out where he stood, and you’ll see in the next paragraphs that manifesting itself. It’s a bad way to go, and I talk in the book about it. I talk in “How To Be A 3% Man” about why you don’t do that. It’s disgusting. It’s not masculine, and it’s not manly. This is beta male behavior.
And I’m sure all the beta males will go, “There’s no such thing as alpha male and beta male. The guy that came up with the wolf study about alphas and betas says it doesn’t exist.” Okay, dude. Everybody knows what an alpha and a beta is. When Tom Brady walks in the room, he’s an alpha. When his wife walks in the room, she’s an alpha. That’s why he married an alpha. And there will be other guys who go, “There’s no such thing as an alpha female.” Whatever, douche.
Three days later she reached out when I was out with my friends and said she wanted to see me, and we ended up staying together and hooking up.
So, he did the right thing. He told her, “I’m not interested in being friends.” Women don’t push away men that they’re in love with. Women push away men who they are turned off by and who are displaying a lot of unattractive behavior. And so, if she’s breaking it off, it means you’ve been smothering her. If she wants space, remember, you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free, even the woman you’re trying to re-attract.
You have to let her be. She didn’t feel free. And you think, well, she complained that he was kind of a cold fish to her on vacation, and he should have communicated with her properly, like I talk about in “How To Communicate With Women Effectively.” That’s a video I did years ago, and it’s also in “How To Be A 3% Man.”
You should have said, “You know, you’re right. I’m sorry. I was focused on work and I totally neglected you and I probably made you feel like I didn’t care, and I’m sorry I hurt you that way. But I think you’re amazing. I think you should bring your cute little lips over here and kiss me because you miss me. I’ll fix that right up, babe.”
She explained she was unsure still but wanted to figure it out with me.
Women are unsure when you act unsure, because it’s feminine energy to be unsure. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. And so, by allowing her to come and go, she goes and spends time with her friends, she doesn’t hear from you. You’re not constantly communicating that you’re worried about where you stand or you’re worried that it’s not going to work out. You’re unperturbed. You’re cool if she’s there, and you’re cool if she’s not there. Either way, you’re going to be the same man. You’re the rock, you’re the mountain. You’re the immovable force.
Fast forward now about a month later, and we had been hanging out once a week again trying to slowly grow it back up again, but it had felt distant still and, wrong move now I know, I had asked where her head was at some time each time we hung out after she came back. It was similar most times, “I have feelings for you and really enjoy hanging out, just unsure about relationships still.”
This is the exact opposite of what I teach in “How To Be A 3% Man,” dude. The man’s job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, have fun and hook up. If she’s pushed you away, she wrecked it. Therefore, she’s got to do all the pursuing to earn another chance with you.
And more than likely, just based on the actions and what’s going on here, and this has muddled along for a month, he probably mistakenly assumed that he goes back to calling her and setting up one date per week. You don’t call and pursue a woman once a week who’s pushed you away and who’s telling you she’s confused. You let her be. And then when she misses you, she’ll reach out and she’ll go, “Hey! What are you doing? Hey, you. I was thinking about you.”
You’re like, “I was thinking about you too, babe. I think we should get together,” and make a date. You wait to hear from her, then you make a date. That’s what you do in this particular situation. And a lot of guys, especially guys that are feeling the way this dude is, he’s trying to force things. He’s looking at the book, he’s looking for ways to validate pursuing.
He pursued so much after that little bump in the road, because he didn’t learn the communication skills to solve that issue, that he started pursuing too much and then she broke it off with him. Again, women don’t dump men that they’re in love with. It just doesn’t happen.
I had felt I was not okay with this, so last Friday we discussed again and she continued to reiterate that she has feelings still and would want to continue to hang out…
Women help you when they like you.
…but is unsure about relationships right now in general, as she feels she missed out on a lot during her past 4-year relationship straight through college and only has 2 girlfriends because of it. And that has been a hard thing for her, as she’s told me she wants more girlfriends. So, that mixed with her still worried about my cold fish in Florida, she is just unsure about it all right now.
I mean, she even told you she has feelings, in other words, “I’m still attracted to you,” and would want to continue to hang out, but was unsure about the relationship. And what do I say in the book? It’s a man’s job to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun, to hook up. It’s not to create a relationship. That’s the woman’s job. That’s feminine energy.
Women want the nest. Women want the picket fence. Women want the babies. Women want the big wedding. Men want access to the chocha. That’s what you want. So, she’s telling him what to do in her own way, but he’s not listening because he’s focused on the relationship and he’s continuing to act like a little girl. And that’s why she’s turned off.
She doesn’t want a little girl. She wants an unperturbable man who is unperturbed, he’s not bothered. He’s not worried about a relationship, because he’s a stud. “Hey, if it doesn’t work out between us, I’ll probably find somebody younger and hotter.” It happens, especially when you know “How To Be A 3% Man.”
I’m not okay with that and explained I am sure about her and being with her but don’t want to be with someone who is unsure about me, so I told her I was going to back off.
Well, you should have already backed off. You shouldn’t be telling her to back off. You’re trying to manipulate her by telling her you’re going to back off. That’s just like calling somebody and going, “Hey, I’m never going to call you again.” Click! It’s weak, it’s disgusting, it’s not masculine behavior, so fucking knock it off, dude. Come on, man! You can do better, dude.
And if she changed her mind or missed me to let me know.
So, again, you’re continuing to communicate you’re impatient, you’re totally perturbed. You’re upset, you’re throwing a temper tantrum. You’re taking your toys out of the sandbox and you’re going back home to mommy, crying the whole way. It’s not attractive, dude. Knock that shit off.
She wrapped up saying this doesn’t have to be the last conversation about us, and I just nodded and said goodnight.
So, in other words, she’s not ready to end it. But again, this is the same issue here, “Oh Mommy, please love me. Please hug me. Please tell me I’m good. Pat me on the head. Kiss me. Love me.” This is what happens when you don’t get enough strokes as a kid from your parents. You become extremely insecure, and deep down you feel like you’re unworthy.
What you’re really doing is you’re reacting to how you were treated in childhood, not so much reacting to how she’s showing up. She’s just triggering that. And so, this is what the universe does. It brings you people that you can play this out with, so you can overcome this weakness and this unbalanced way of showing up as a man.
I can see where I went wrong. I should not have continued to bring “where we’re at” up each time we hung out, but I hope that by using the best negotiation tactic…
I want to just smack you over the head with this book. Read it 10 to 15 times, dude, because you’re acting like a fucking robot. You’re trying to use tactics. It doesn’t work. You have to understand the philosophy, so you can just easily respond and let the girl be.
…of walking away and meaning it on my own terms with her attraction level still seemingly being high, not as high as it was obviously, that time will make her wonder and bring her back, so I can do it the right way and be indifferent until she brings stuff up in the future.
I have been “zero dark thirty” for close to a week now, and that is the longest we’ve gone without contact since we’ve known each other. And I will continue this. Would love your thoughts or any teaching moments many could learn from here Coach.
Well, I wouldn’t have handled it that way, but you are where you are, and so you have to be congruent with what you said. You said, go figure you’re shit out. Call me when you miss me. And the reality is, if she does contact you a few days or maybe a few weeks or a month down the road, “Hey,” you can be like, “Hey, babe. What’s up? You miss my sexy body, don’t you? I know you want to see me, and I’d like to see you, too. We should get together. When are you free? I want to see your face.”
And then you invite her to come to your place to make dinner together. Hang out, have fun, hook up, spend the night together. When she leaves the next day, kiss her on the lips, spank her on the butt, put her in her car. Now, you’re not going to go meet her out. You’re not going to pick her up. She can come to your place.
The furthest distance that you should be willing to travel to see her is the distance it takes to go from wherever you are in your house to your front door to let her in. She’s got to come to your house three times in a row. And as long as you hang out, have fun and hook up all three times, then you can meet her out and pick her up.
But you’ve got to let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing and just simply make dates at this point. It’s really simple, the solution to where you’re at. But I know it’s hard, because you’re all emotional and you’re fearful like, “Damn, I haven’t talked to her. I haven’t heard from her in a week.” Also, this is going to be playing on her emotions as well. The girl was still definitely attracted to you, but you’re just so needy and trying to force things because you’re impatient.
Remember, you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free, and you’re not doing that. You’re smothering this girl. You made a mistake, and what happened was you went from making a mistake, you probably didn’t communicate effectively with her, and then on top of that, you started over pursuing. And so, you literally pushed her out of your life with your over pursuing, instead of letting her come to you. Because if you had resolved it, it probably would have just been a little bump in the road and things would have been great. But again, the overall problem is you’re still pursuing too much, whether you realize it or not, and it’s because you haven’t read the book 10 to 15 times. It’s as simple as that. So again, come on, man.
You’re making things way harder on yourself than it needs to be. I say this all the time in phone sessions I have a guys. It’s just like, they can’t see it because they’re in the middle of it, and I understand it. I mean, it took me a long time. It took me a year and a half to figure that shit out with one of my girlfriends I wrote about in the book. It was hard, and I didn’t have a Coach Corey Wayne at the time that could tell me exactly what to do.
I was still learning this stuff, and it was a nightmare. And it was like I was torn up about it emotionally, constantly. I thought about her all day at work, literally for like a year and a half, until I finally found that sweet spot. And I wrote about in the book and I put it in there, and that’s why you read it 10 to 15 times.
That’s all you have to do. Wait to hear from her. Invite her over, do exactly what I say. Maybe you should watch this video a couple of times. You should also be following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” It’s so simple, dude. The answer to solving this problem is so simple, it’s so easy, but you’ve got to participate in your own rescue.
So if you’ve got a challenge or a situation, maybe something similar to this, and you’re trying to figure out “What the hell do I do?” because your emotions are overwhelming — which, I know what that’s like, I’ve been there, done that, got the T-shirt many times when I was younger — go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen or the toolbar at the bottom of any page and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“Men who constantly focus on where they stand in a potential relationship with a woman they just started dating are doing so because they lack confidence in themselves, are needy and insecure. The number one most important characteristic women find attractive in men is confidence. This is why women are universally turned off and repulsed when men need constant attention, validation and assurance of their continued romantic interest. Being unsure of oneself is feminine energy. Being self-assured, direct, decisive and courageous is masculine energy. It’s the sexual polarity that makes masculine men and feminine women attracted to one another. Without strong sexual polarity, romantic attraction evaporates.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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