Why Communicating Too Much Interest Too Soon Leads To Rejection

Why communicating too much interest too soon turns women off.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who thought his new romance was progressing well, but after she returned from a trip she dumped him saying she wasn’t feeling it and didn’t want to see him anymore. He was shocked and asked why, but she couldn’t give him a straight answer. He admits he cared more about her than she did him, but now he wonders what he can do to get her back.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

So this particular email is from a viewer who thought his new romance was progressing well, but she went on a trip for a couple of weeks. He noticed she started getting a little distant on the trip, and when she got back, they got together, but she wouldn’t sleep with him, which he found unusual. She said, “Oh, I hurt my shoulder.” And then the next day, she basically texts him that she doesn’t want to date him anymore, she’s not feeling it, “Have a nice life.”

Now, obviously, he’s a little freaked out about it because he thought he was doing well. Now he’s wondering what he can do to get her back. But he also admits at the end of his email that he clearly communicated he was way more into her than she was into him. And you gotta understand, women like a guy that is a challenge. They want to have to earn you. They want to win you over. And when you make it too easy, when you over-communicate your interest and your enthusiasm, you’re too easy. You’re too available. Whatever she wants to do, you’re like, “Yes, ma’am.” You never push back on things you’re not really excited about. You go along with it just because you’re worried about upsetting her. Women can pick up on that. They don’t like guys that are fake and inauthentic like that. And so I say this all the time: women like you way more if they think that they’re more into you than you are into them. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.

So this guy’s been following me for a while, but he says he’s only read the book five times. He says he knows he needs to read it more. And that’s just part of the problem, because he’s dating her for about two and a half months, and he just could not because again, he’s focused on how much he likes her and just assuming it’s reciprocated. And when a guy only pays attention to how much he likes her and how much he’s trying to win her over, “Oh, I got her to do this with me,” you’ll see that a couple times in the email. His mindset is completely different.

So his mindset is of a guy who’s trying to get her attention, who’s trying to get her approval. He sees it as, like, a victory when she wants to hang out or come over with him. And that gives you insight into how his mindset has affected his actions, his words, the tone of his voice. And she clearly picked up on that.

So it’s a fine line between pursuing too much and not enough, between being dopey and overly invested and being too much of a cold fish. And this guy was clearly too dopey and over-invested. Even though, when you read his email and the way he phrases it, it’s kind of like, “Oh, I did everything right,” but all I have to do is look at what the woman does, because women all say and do the same things when they get turned off. Doesn’t matter what country they’re in, doesn’t matter what their spiritual or religious background is, they all do the same thing.

So even if the guy is bullshitting himself and trying to bullshit yours truly, I can see through it because all I got to do is look at what the woman did and said. And that’s what matters, because his behavior affects how she feels about him. And unfortunately for him, he acted too dopey, he cared too much, and she tossed him aside, and he’s surprised he didn’t really see it coming, like most guys.

So it’s a good email to learn from, because this really is a fine line between doing more things right than wrong. And unfortunately, he did more things wrong than right.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’m a big fan of your work from Italy, and I’ve read your book five times (I know I have to read it more times).

So again, this is why I say, read it 10 to 15 times. You got to get to know the book so well, you could teach a class on it, because it’s really hard, if you’re not used to dating the kind of women that knock your socks off, to implement what’s in the book. You’re going to be second-guessing yourself. You’re going to be dealing with your fears. You might get overwhelmed, and then the illusion of action kicks in, and you think you have to do more to get her to like you.

And when you’re trying to do things to get a girl to like you, you’re no longer vetting. You’ve already decided, basically, she won the Super Bowl or the World Cup, and you’re just looking to give her the trophy, and therefore, you take away all of her fun and the chase in pursuing you and winning you over.

And women need to feel emotions, and they need to feel uncertainty about you, meaning uncertain about how you feel about them or when they’re going to hear from you next. They like guys that are mysterious. They like guys they go, “There’s just something about you. I can’t put my finger on it, but you’re just different than most guys.”

But when you overly communicate your interest, you’re acting too much like a girl. And when you do that, women step back when they’re unsure. Like, she even did this on it. She went on a trip. She had plenty of time away from him. They did speak a little bit while she was away, but at the end of the day, women understand that absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

And so she’s taken, you’ll see in the email, which she told him, she had a couple of weeks on her trip, and she’s really basically seeing, “Do I miss this guy? Do I want to see him more? Do my feelings go up? Do they go down? Do they stay the same?” And unfortunately, when she got back, they were not going anywhere.

And I also suspect she may have met somebody on the trip and hooked up with him. And she felt a lot of emotions for this guy on the trip. And she recognizes, well, she felt more for the dude she met on the trip than, or who knows? I mean, it was a couple guys, different dudes that she met. But bottom line is, she was more stimulated by other dudes than the guy that was trying to make her, or hoping to make her, his girlfriend.

So remember, women are on probation too. They go out with the attitude of, “Is this guy good for me? Are we a good match? Do I like him?” But when you just assume and you go on her the participation championship trophy without her having to earn it, she doesn’t appreciate it at all.

I was dating this girl for about two and a half months.

And so, if you’re following the book to a T, by week 6 or 7, she should be in love with you and wanting a relationship. And when you date for two and a half months and that’s not happening, well, again, we’re going to assume that the woman’s normal. If it’s a normal woman, she should have been in love. So therefore, he’s not completely implementing what’s in the book, even though, again, the tone of his email is like, “I was kind of following everything, right?”

Things were going great—we had high compatibility, great chemistry, and shared the same values for the future. We always enjoyed our time together.

You could tell he’s already thinking, “This is my girlfriend, we’re going to be together. We’re going to have a future.” And the more you think about your future with her, and the more you talk about being in and having a future with her, the less likely you are to have one.

At the start of August she go for an organized group trip to Nepal. During that time, she started acting distant.

Probably because there was another dude on the trip that stimulated her emotions and it doesn’t look like they were exclusive.

I applied the principles from your book and barely reached out…

Well again, if you’d have been following what was in the book, she should have been the one doing the reaching out. Because at the end of the day, she’s on vacation. You don’t know when she’s available. She’s in a hotel or whatever. And if she leaves town, she’s going to be the one doing almost all the calling, texting, pursuing, and contact initiation. But he clearly wasn’t doing that either.

So again, the man pursues in the beginning, like the way the book is laid out. But once her interest goes up, you start sleeping together. Typically, the women start reaching out every couple of days, and then, at that point, you can just wait to hear from her and make the next date. When you do, it actually becomes, over time, counterproductive if you keep pursuing her just as much as you did in the very first week. Because if you do it right, as a woman’s interest goes up, she’s going to want to call you more, text you more, see you more, spend more time with you.

But again, as soon as you don’t hear from her for a certain period of time or a day or two, and you freak out and you call to check in or text her, she could tell you care more than she does, and you’re interrupting the sexual anticipation growing. Women need time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, and to miss you. And he just did not give her that.

In other words, he didn’t hold out long enough because he had a hard time dealing with his emotions, which influenced his behavior. And on top of that, he’d only read the book five times, so he didn’t know it backwards and forwards, and therefore, he couldn’t lean on what’s taught in the book because he just didn’t know it well enough.

When we go through things, we hear it, we see it, we read it. We tend to retain maybe 8% of it, 7%, 8%, 9% of it, depending on the person. So you can see, you go through it five times, and that’s assuming they’re good reads where he’s in a room by himself, he’s looking at the book, he’s hearing the book being spoken with the audiobook. But if you’re listening to the book as background noise when you’re working out or you’re driving in your car and you’re doing other things, you’re not really paying attention, you’re kind of in and out of consciousness, paying attention to what’s going on in the book so your reads aren’t as efficient, and you don’t get the information into your brain, which is where you really need it.

…Except once or twice just to check in on how her trip was going.

Again, you shouldn’t have been doing that at this point, because if she’s contacting you or calling you every couple of days, there’s no reason to. So I would say, more than likely, the only reason he was calling to check in is he was a little worried. He noticed she was distant. So that’s what happens with the illusion of action. You’re not comfortable not hearing from the girl. You freak out about it. So that reveals that your mindset is basically, you don’t deserve to be with her. You don’t think you’re good enough for her. And over time, you say and you do enough things to where the woman picks up on that.

Sometimes she’ll just purposely not call you or call you back when she says she’s going to, to see how you react. And if you freak out or you text or you break that, she starts to realize that she has all the leverage and you have none. You care more about her than she does about you. And when that happens, the women back off to see if their feelings change.

But when they back off, like this is what happened here, she kind of backed off a little bit. He noticed she was distant, and so he reaches out a couple of times, and that’s counterproductive. It would have been much better if he had just let her be. Then she’s wondering, “I haven’t heard from him. What’s he doing? Does he miss me?”

So again, this is not your girlfriend. You’re trying to treat her like a girlfriend, even though you’re two and a half weeks in, or two and a half months in, and she wasn’t in love with you.

Her trip lasted two weeks. She replied whenever I texted her and even video-called me for my birthday while we were away.

So again, he says, “I barely reached out.” Well, he says it’s barely. But again, we can look at her actions. You shouldn’t be barely reaching out when you’re hardly hearing from a woman. So he’s just not comfortable letting enough space and time go by from not hearing from her before the illusion of action kicks in, and he feels like he’s got to call or text her or to check in again.

It’s not your girlfriend yet because you’re not really following the book. I mean, there’s subtle things that the guy is doing, but again, when you communicate that you like her more than she likes you, her interest is going to drop. That’s just the way they are because you care too much.

In other words, you’re basically getting upset and you’re getting discombobulated because you haven’t heard from her. And that’s basically, you need an attaboy from mommy. You’re looking for her attention and validation. “Is everything okay? I haven’t heard from you in a while. I just want to make sure you’re all right. You’re not mad? I didn’t do anything to upset you, did I, Your Highness?” I mean, it’s kind of the vibe that guys give off when they’re thinking this way and feeling this way.

When she came back, she wasn’t feeling very well, so I gave her space.

So it sounds like she came back. He reached out, “Oh, I’m not feeling well.” Probably he’s trying to see her. So then he backs off.

She also had a busy week with work. On Sunday this weekend, she agreed to come over to my place.

What does that sound like? “I invited her to come over to make dinner.” “No, she agreed to come over to my place. Thank God. Whew. I finally got her attention.” I mean, that’s the whole vibe.

So this is where, you know, having done this for 20 years and just talked to thousands and thousands of guys and seen how they implement this successfully and unsuccessfully, and seen what happens in my phone sessions. I can read a sentence like that and go, “Oh, there it is. There’s the issue. She agreed to come over to my place.” So that’s a man who’s in the mindset of seeking a woman’s attention and validation instead of waiting to hear from her.

If she needs space, you just wait to hear from her, and then she reaches back out. “Hey, you feeling better?” “Oh, I feel so much better.” “Awesome. Let’s get together. Want to catch up? I want to hear all about your trip.” And then you make a date.

But you can tell, it seems like he’s calling and he’s texting. “Are you ready? Are you over it yet? Are you healthy? Are you over your cold or whatever it was?” And it looks like she’s just kind of putting him off. So he’s coming off as needy and clingy here and not just letting her be.

We spent a great day together, but she didn’t want to have sex with me because she had injured her shoulder.

So he’s trying to seduce her, and she says, “Oh, I hurt my shoulder. Can’t have sex.” Probably because she’d already been fucking somebody else at that point. And she got together probably, again, because he gets her to agree to come over when it wasn’t really her idea. She wasn’t the one reaching out. She wasn’t excited about it.

He tries to seduce her. She says, “Oh, my shoulders hurt.” How did her shoulder get hurt? Chad Thundercock broke her shoulder. I mean, who knows? But she doesn’t want to have sex with him. Two steps forward, one step back, which is laid out in the book.

But again, that tells me he’s trying to seduce her, and he’s getting rejected. So that also tells me, because again, if you’re applying the book properly, the woman’s going to be wanting sex more than you. And that’s not the case. He’s trying to seduce her, and he doesn’t realize that she’s not open to it. And he gets rejected with the excuse that her shoulder is injured. It’s like, “Sure.”

That evening, after going back home, she sent me a text saying she doesn’t want to keep dating anymore with this message:

“I want to be honest and open with you, as I expect from the people I surround myself with. To tell you the truth, even before leaving for Nepal, I had some doubts about us, and I used the trip as an opportunity to take some time and reflect.”

In other words, “I wanted to see if I missed you,” and because he kept calling and texting to check in, she could tell he was starting to get worried. It’s like, that’s not manly. Masculinity is calm. As a matter of fact, you should have been exclusive. And you’re kind of, if she goes away, you’re like, “Oh, now I got some time to catch up and do other things.” But instead, he was completely bothered while she was away.

“Being on my own, with my thoughts and limited internet access…”

So probably he’s texting or she’s not responding. “Hey, I haven’t heard from you.” “Oh, I got limited internet access. I’m really sorry.”

“…Helped me get a clearer perspective on things. Because of this, I feel…”

Women only care about how they feel about you. They don’t care what a great guy you are or that you checked in. They only care about how they feel about you.

“…I don’t want to continue seeing each other. I prefer to be completely honest with you rather than keep going when I’m not truly, 100% convinced.”

So how do you respond when you get something like that? “Hey, no problem. Hit me up if you ever change your mind. Take care.” It’s like, and you’re on to the next girl. But did he do that? No, he just went right back to, “I gotta do something.”

The next morning, I called her, and she confirmed what she wrote in the text. I asked if there was a specific reason…

They’re never going to give you a straight answer. The book even tells you, don’t waste your fucking time trying to get a reason, because they’re going to give you a reason. It might make logical sense, but it doesn’t make any sense, and it doesn’t help.

…But she couldn’t give me one. We never had arguments, and I was never overly needy.

“…But I was needy.” He didn’t say that, but he didn’t need to because we can kind of pick apart this.

The only minor issue happened once when we went to the gym together. She mentioned that she felt a bit overly watched/controlled because I kept looking at her.

So that just sounds like they go to the gym, and he’s kind of hovering. He’s like, “Some dude’s gonna steal my girl. Don’t look at her. Look at me.” Hey, you may be telling her what to do, so she’s already going to the gym with him? Probably not because she wanted to go to the gym. Because he probably twisted her arm. “Oh, come on, come to the gym with me. Let’s work out together.” “But I got this to do.” “Oh, come on.” So he’s probably twisting her arm, trying to get her to go with him.

And that’s just neediness. And she’s like, “No, I don’t want to go to the gym.” He’s like, “Are you sure? You need to get a workout in. But if you want to be lazy, that’s on you. I’m going to go either way.” “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free,” as Thích Nhat Hanh used to say.

I explained to her that it was simply because I found her very attractive and she is very strong in the gym…

I mean, he’s Italian, so I don’t know how that translates. So he’s translating Italian into English.

…So I just wanted to see her workout routine.

So that kind of gives you a microcosm of his behavior. So he’s overbearing. He’s kind of controlling. Why would he do that? Because he’s in a state of fear. He’s afraid he’s going to lose her. He’s going to he’s afraid she’s not going to like him. So he’s trying to force things and it’s making her uncomfortable.

So I’m confused about whether I did something wrong or if her romantic attraction just never really built up.

And he did a lot of things wrong that I’ve been pointing out. I mean, just your mindset is wrong. You were over-pursuing. You were acting needy, even though the way you phrased it, “I wasn’t acting overly needy.” That’s basically, “I was acting needy at times, but not overly. Not too much. I didn’t overdo it, Coach.” At least that’s what he is telling himself.

Because again, his ego can’t handle the fact that he over-pursued and he acted needy. Again, it doesn’t matter. He can bullshit me all he wants. All I have to do is look at, how is the woman responding? So clearly, remember, he’s just like, “Oh, the date’s great. The evening went great, but she didn’t want to have sex because her shoulder was hurt.” So he’s trying to seduce her when she’s not open to it, and he had no clue. Again, that’s a guy that doesn’t understand the book. He’s not paying attention.

I have some doubts about that because we used to spend very good times together.

Well, you thought they were very good times because again, you’re focused on how much you liked her and you just assumed she felt the same way because she was with you. But you’re twisting her arm and trying to drag her along and get her to go along with doing things instead of letting her feel free.

A week before leaving for Nepal, she spent four days staying at my place, we were both working from home and going to the gym together, go for hiking and by the swimming pool of the residence where I live, basically living like a couple for a few days.

So again, that’s his mind. “So this is my girlfriend. We’re a couple. It’s going to progress to that.” So again, probably she wanted to leave and he’s like, “Oh come on, stay here. Work with me.”

Was that too much, too soon?

I’d say it’s the way you went about it. Remember, you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. It’s like you’d love for her to stay, but if she’s got other shit to do, “Hey, go do that and call me later. Call me when you miss me terribly.”

I asked her about this as well…

Again, you’re not going to get a straight answer.

…And we both agreed that while it might have been a bit fast, it felt like the right thing to do at the time because we were having such a great time together.

Again, she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. She’s not going to come out and say, basically, “You turn me off and you dry me up. I met Chad Thundercock on my trip, and he really fucked me good. And I feel something for him, but I don’t feel anything for you after two and a half months of dating, so I’m going to ride off into the sunset with Chad Thundercock.”

Now, what should I do?

Well, you’ve already done enough, dude. See, again, this is the mindset. It’s not clicking with him that he’s just way over pursued and acted needy. He’s like, “I need to do something. I need to fix this.” Well, you’ve tried to fix it too much to the point where she didn’t want to see you.

Should I go full no-contact and hope she reaches out?

Yes.

I really don’t want to lose her.

You already lost her, bro. She wasn’t yours even before she left for her trip. She checked out, but he kept trying to force things and you didn’t back off. You didn’t pump the brakes. Again, this is what happens when you only read the book a few times.

She is a high-value woman and we shared great values. I was never needy or pushing for a relationship…

OK, so now he claims he was never needy. Well, I know that you’re saying that, but again, I look at her actions. You didn’t turn her on. You turned her off. You dated for two and a half months. You went on a trip for a few weeks. You kept texting her even though she was away. Then, when she came back, you kept reaching out. You kept trying to get her to do something. She was clearly resistant to it. Eventually, begrudgingly, she came over and didn’t want to sleep with you because she wasn’t feeling it. And you had absolutely zero fucking clue that that’s how she felt.

You still don’t have a clue that that’s how she felt, because it’s hard as a guy to accept that you fucked up. But you have to accept that because that’s the only way you’re going to fix this behavior. Because if you don’t, if you say it’s not your fault, then the next time you start dating a girl that you really like, you’ll do the exact same thing, and she’ll dump you for exactly the same reasons that this girl did.

So here’s where he kind of, again, lets it slip a little bit of the truth.

…Even though it was probably clear that I was more invested in her than she was in me.

Bob

Again, I tell you all the time, it can’t be that way. Women like a guy that’s a challenge. They like a guy that’s mysterious, and you over-communicated your interest. She always knew where she stood. She never had time to miss you. She never had time to doubt where she stood with you because you made it too easy. You didn’t follow the book. You didn’t listen. Even though you tried to represent throughout your book, you did everything right, it’s pretty clear you were acting needy. You were over-pursuing. You’re twisting her arm. You’re trying to get her to do things with you. You’re overbearing. And just the insight into how you were behaving with the gym, probably you acted that way when you were around each other as well.

So at this point, you follow what’s in 7 Principles to Get an Ex Back. Your pursuit of this woman is over forever. If she reaches out, you assume she wants to see you. Invite her over to make dinner. If she comes over three dates in a row, again, she’s got to initiate all contact going forward because she has to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. And say she comes over three dates in a row and you hook up all three times. Then after that, when she continues reaching out first, then you can meet her out and pick her up and go out on dates, but you wait to hear from her. You make the next date, you beat up her pelvis properly, and then when she leaves, “Call me later.”

If she complains, “You’re not really calling or texting,” it’s like, “Well, you’re the one that broke things off with me, so I’m hanging out with you. I like where things are. I’m giving you a chance to earn me back, so you got to show me something. So that’s why, if you want to complain about how much I’m reaching out to you, you got to show me that you really want to be with me. You got to make the effort, and you weren’t making that before.”

So let her complain. Let her bitch about that. But don’t change your behavior. She’ll like you a lot more if she has to earn you. And then she’ll be like, “Oh, I don’t know what happened. I thought we would only, I just have feelings of friendship towards you, and something changed. I don’t know what happened. You’re so different.” That’s what you’ll hear if you actually start applying what’s in the book.

And if you’re new and you haven’t read it, it’s free to read it. Understandingrelationships.com. Just subscribe to the email newsletter. When you get to the website, put your first name, your email address, create a password, and the book will open up right in your web browser.

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