Why women are hot and cold, and why you shouldn’t take it personally.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has read 3% Man 6 times. He met a girl about 6 weeks ago he really likes. However, since he hasn’t taken the time to really learn and apply the book properly, he still doesn’t understand that women often act like cats. They can be super interested in you one moment and be needing space the next, as if she’s bored and uninterested.
He’s getting butt-hurt at her mood swings, when it usually has nothing to do with him but is just a reflection of her changing emotions. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This guy has read 3% Man six times so far. He’s been following me for awhile, but it’s pretty obvious he doesn’t really understand the chapter where I talk about how women tend to behave like cats and men tend to behave more like dogs. And so, what’s happening is he started dating this new girl a few weeks back, and what’s confusing to him is she’s really excited to see him, really enthusiastic, very affectionate. And then after a few hours, or sometimes the next day when she’d been really affectionate the day before, she kind of wants some space and she’s a little distant. And so, he’s getting butt-hurt and perturbed.
This is where guys really struggle, if the guy has a negative self perception or a limiting belief. Like in this particular case, this guy is overweight, so he’s insecure about that. And so, when she gets a little distant, his go-to, whether he realizes it or not is, “Oh, I’m not good enough for her. I’m not attractive enough for her. She’s going to probably leave me anyway or not like me.” And the guys that don’t know about this stuff, what that causes them to do is the illusion of action, like I talk about in 3% Man. They want to call more, they want to text more. They feel like they’ve got to fix things.
And what’s happening is a woman’s emotions are kind of like the weather, they just kind of change. Women are much more intuitive and empathetic and much more in tune with their emotions and intuition than us guys are. And so, that’s why one minute they’re really excited to be around you, and the next minute they act like they’re totally bored, just like a cat does. When the cat gets bored or wants to go off and do something else, and play with a ball of yarn in the next door neighbor’s yard, or whatever.
The key is not to get butt-hurt or perturbed, but to be excited, to be glad you got some time, you got some peace and quiet. She can go off and do her thing, and you can get caught up on things that you need to do. Go see your mom, see your friends, go to the gym, focus on your hobbies, your interests, your mission, your purpose, things of that nature, and not get all caught up in her emotions. Because nine times out of ten, it has nothing to do with you. It’s just it’s like the weather. The weather is constantly changing, and it’s about as productive as getting pissed off at the weather report from a couple of days ago, or the weather report from today, because the weather doesn’t match what you want it to.
I hope this finds you well. I am from Australia and have been listening to you for a few years now.
So, obviously he’s been following me for a few years, and yet he’s only been through the book six times. That tells me he’s a little lazy. He’s kind of half-assing it.
Thank you so much for all of your excellent content. I have read 3% Man 6 times, and I’m halfway through the 7th time. (It should be more, I know.)
This is part of the reason why you’re struggling. And this is such an obvious issue, that if you read the book enough, things would click. This is why I say you’ve got to read it 10 to 15 times. This guy is on his seventh read and he’s not really understanding that she’s just behaving like a cat, and it’s nothing to get perturbed or butt-hurt or upset about. Most of the time, unless you’re doing a lot of unattractive things, it has nothing to do with you and how you’re showing up.
My situation is, about 6 weeks ago I met an incredible girl. We met online and not long after face to face. It was an incredible night. She hugged and kissed me passionately as soon as we met. I felt pretty freakin’ amazing, (the night ended on the bonnet of my car).
As we were chatting before we met, and after meeting her, I knew she was sexy, intelligent and full of life, so refreshingly different. We live 45 min apart and she lives virtually on the beach, so it was always easier and more fun to come down to her place. She almost always initiated daily contact, several calls a day, and by early week 3, she told me she loved me. Incredible, yes. I felt the same.
Slow your roll. The idea is to go slightly slower than she does. A girl that’s in love after three weeks is either, you really did it for her, or there’s a good chance she’s probably insecure. And so, what a lot of guys in these situations find out when they start applying the book – and maybe the guy is initially really insecure – is that he gets a few months into applying what’s in the book, and then he notices that, actually, she was insecure. It’s just when you’re behaving more insecure than she does, you don’t notice it.
And then when you start acting more stoic and more calm, because masculine energy is calm, it’s relaxed, then you start to see how she’s a little insecure. And it’s always better if a woman thinks she likes you more than you like her. They just like you more. They treat you better. Versus when they know you really like them more than they like you. That’s not good. You’re you’re flipped upside down from a leverage perspective. Feminine energy is chaos. And if women feel that they tend to do things that, for the unsuspecting guy, really upset them. The key is to be unperturbable.
So, obviously, then a challenge arose, and it centers around my weight. I’m solid, muscular, but quite overweight. (After I broke my ribs playing soccer a few years ago, it really affected me. I put on 40-50 pounds, and I got in my head.)
So he’s got that working against him because, remember, we’re going to act consistently with how we view ourselves to be. It doesn’t matter whether the view is accurate or not. He’s self conscious about his weight, so more than likely, his go-to when something goes wrong with his girl, he’s going to point a finger and go, “Oh, there’s something wrong with me. I have to do something. I have to fix something.”
And this is what is so beautiful about women is that they help us overcome our weaknesses and our challenges. They help us find the chinks in our armor. Because they will exploit it when they sense the weakness, they just do it naturally and instinctively. Don’t take it personally. Use it as an opportunity to grow and become a better man. That’s a big reason why she is the way she is.
She is always touching me, sitting with me, stealing kisses, runs to jump on me when I arrive, etc. I’ve been very affectionate in return, and when escalating, driving her crazy with my mouth, etc. We’ve only had intercourse twice. She sensed at times I wanted more; I was very calm about it. But last week, she broke down saying she loved me so much but found it hard to get past being sexual, etc.
Well, I would say if you’re losing your shit, in essence, when she gets a little distant and you’re taking it personally as a rejection, she can feel that, she can sense that. And so, you’re not displaying confidence. You’re displaying and she’s picking up on the vibe that you’re insecure, and you’re worried and you’re fearful.
And women sense that you’re not calm and you’re not sure of yourself. Because the number one most important thing to women in relationship is confidence. And when you’re not being confident, it causes them to lose attraction. It makes their feelings and emotions feel kind of wishy-washy towards you, and they tend to back away. You act weak, they back away.
A lot of times I get into it with these red pill dudes. I always say, I don’t really give a damn about hypergamy or any of that stuff. If you act like a bitch, women will treat you like a bitch, plain and simple. If you don’t like it, don’t act like a bitch.
The other thing that’s happened is you’ve got to understand the seduction process. You’ve got to understand when it’s appropriate to make a move, and she’s open to it, and then when to back off and hang out, and be more stoic, and ask more questions and get her to talk.
Because when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs close. And if she seems a little bored and disinterested, maybe you spent a couple of days together or the weekend together, and by the day you take her home or she leaves, or in this case, he leaves and goes back to his place, he may notice that she just seems a lot less enthusiastic than when he came to see her.
That’s just totally normal, and you can’t take that personally. You’ve got to be unperturbable about that, because if you get irritated and you get bothered by that, you’re expressing a lack of confidence, and women don’t like that. You’re supposed to be the confident one. You’re supposed to be the strong, silent, stoic type, not the guy that’s constantly getting upset that she doesn’t appear to be as into him.
It happened last Sunday, and again yesterday. We were at the beach both Saturday and Sunday, and Saturday she came up, sat between my legs, kissed me passionately, told me she loved me, and thanked me for giving her space during the week.
The fact that she’s bringing up needing space is telling me that you’re not picking up on things. In other words, as she starts to back away and get a little distant, you’re getting worried. And you’re probably being clingy and touchy and touching her when she’s not really open to it, and she can feel that and sense that. This, again, is why I say you’ve got to read the book 10 to 15 times, because you’re missing some social cues there when you’re with her.
Last Sunday, after finding it very, very difficult to tell me, she wanted a little space after she told me that news, so we kissed several times and I left. By that evening, she reached out saying she craves me and wants to stay in touch every day, as “we are so much more than physical.”
Sounds like she’s making an excuse for not having sex, because she knows you’re upset and you’ve gotten butt-hurt about it. The key is not to be butt-hurt. You’re just going a little faster than she is and you’re getting caught up in her emotions and her mood swings, and it’s changing your behavior. And that’s the problem. It can’t change your behavior. You have to be unperturbed.
That’s why you have to let women come to you at their pace. And it’s obvious, probably a part of it is, you being insecure about your weight, that you’re not doing that, because you’re presupposing that she doesn’t like you, or is not going to like you, or is going to lose attraction or not want to be with you.
I was happy to do that, and she initiated conversation and calls all this past week.
Well, one thing I would suggest is don’t. If she’s been taking you for granted and she’s a little cold and distant, don’t answer her calls right away. Let her wonder where you are for a few hours, and make sure if you’ve got your phone that you don’t you’re not sending out read receipts. In other words, don’t read her text, she gets a read receipt, and then respond four hours later, or whatever. Then she’s going to think, “Oh, this guy’s playing games with me.”
So, the idea is be a little unpredictable. Do things she didn’t expect. If she wants to see you on a certain day, be busy doing something else and unavailable. If you notice that she takes you for granted, the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. And if she was a little bored, and maybe not as into you, or saying “I need space,” when a woman says she needs space, that means you stop all forward movement towards her.
You don’t call her, you don’t text her, you don’t initiate anything with her. You just let her be and wait to hear from her. And I would suspect that sometimes you’re probably not doing that. You’re calling and you’re texting, because you need reassurance that she still likes you.
And so, what happens is you’re getting into the habit of not letting her anticipation return. It’s like the analogy that I talk about, trying to bake a cake in the oven and you keep opening it every five minutes, “Hey, is it done yet?” So when the cake is ready, the buzzer will go off and then you take it out of the oven. If you keep opening it up, all the heat escapes. In other words, all of the sexual anticipation escapes. And then it kind of starts the process back over. The oven has to reheat. When you do that, you keep doing that enough, eventually the cake will deflate and you ruin your cake.
I had assumed I wasn’t seeing her this past weekend, but by Wednesday last week, she really wanted to see me.
See, he’s starting to get it a little bit. It’s starting to click, but you’ve really got to pay attention to that. That’s why it’s so important to have your own goals, your own dreams, your own friends, your own family, your own hobbies, your own interests, going to the gym, doing the things that you need to do to become a better man. Because if you do that and you’re focused on your mission and your purpose, you’re not always going to be available.
What you want is for her to not always be able to see you, or have sex with you, or be with you, or touch you when she wants. It kind of frustrates her a little bit, and that’s a good thing. It means she’ll try harder in the future for you.
We spent this past weekend at the beach, and after her being so lovely and passionate on Saturday, yesterday (Sunday), she was distant, standoffish and in her head, very quiet.
I wrote about this in my book with one of my old girlfriends. That’s just the way they are. Don’t take it personally. Just look at it and go, “She needs time and space away from me to wonder about me, to think about me and to miss me.”
(Also, with her two close friends, one a roommate and the other a very close mutual friend of ours.) She had a very big conversation with our close friend about her drinking wine every day, and also, some big work stresses, etc. were on her mind.
At the end of the day, you don’t get caught up in her mood swings or her moods. If she’s a little distant and you notice, say, “Hey, babe, you seem a little distant. Are you okay? Is everything all right? Anything you need to talk about?”
Late Sunday afternoon, I finally had a chance to sit with her and asked if she was ok. She said, “It’s all good,” so I pressed a little further and I ended up asking if any of it was about me. She just took a long time to answer. Eventually, all she said was she felt bad because she didn’t feel as much towards me as I did her.
This is part of the problem. You have communicated that you’re way more into her than she’s into you, so you’re giving up the leverage. And the fact that you would ask the question, “if any of it is about me,” that’s part of you presupposing bad things about yourself, that you’re undesirable and unlovable. And so, this is part of the problem. You’re communicating you don’t have the confidence to be with her. And this is part of what’s contributing to her hot and coldness and her wishy-washyness, because you’re displaying the opposite of confidence. You’re supposed to be the strong, stoic, masculine one that’s got everything figured out, like charming James Bond. But instead you’re taking everything personally, and you just can’t do that.
I said, “Well, I’m not gauging it/measuring it ;)” I think I then screwed up by asking her if she still loved me.
Yeah, that’s not a confident statement. “Do you still love me? Do you still care about me?” Because that’s what an insecure, needy guy does. He didn’t get enough strokes as a kid. Mom or dad or both of them didn’t hug him and say ‘I love you’ enough, so he doubts that he’s loved and lovable. And when she’s distant, he says, “Oh, she doesn’t love me anymore.” And then that’s why he’s like, “Do you still love me? Do you still care about me?”
Instead of just looking at it and going, “Oh, she’s a little distant now. She’s gotten a little bored. She’s just acting like a cat. I’m not bothered by this. This is great. Now I can dip out, go home, clean out my garage, go see my mother. Go hang with the boys, have a few beers, mow the lawn, whatever it happens to be, and go do other things, instead of getting upset that she’s not as into you as she was. It’s just a woman’s emotions change like the weather, and you just don’t get upset about it. It’s pointless. And these are unnecessary problems you’re creating, and you’re pushing her away with your lack of confidence and your constant, incessant need for reassurance that she cares.
She eventually said yes and was teary. I stayed calm and told her I loved her. I asked her if she wanted some space…
Again, that’s like saying, “Hey, do you want to break up?” You never say, “Do you need some space?” You should be able to look at her and go, “Hey, she’s a little bored. She’s kind of taking me for granted. I’m going to go hang with my buddies the rest of the day” or “I’m going to go back home,” or whatever. Instead, you sit around waiting for her feelings to return. Part of the problem is your happiness depends upon her being in a good mood towards you. That’s a recipe for disaster and a lot of sleepless nights.
…and she didn’t really answer, so I kindly suggested that I’d leave and go home and for her to take some time.
I’m not an ugly guy. I am a singer; she loves my music and has said many times she wants to promote me. And once upon a time, I used to be a model.
Get your ass in shape, dude. That’s one of the best things you can do, because you have control over that. And so, it’s just a matter of discipline, discipline with what you put in your mouth and discipline with moving and exercising and weight training more, so you can slowly lose the weight. Just get back to being healthy, and in six months, a year, you’ll be back to where you used to be. You’ll look better than ever, and she’ll be more attracted to you.
Because if you’re fit and you’re in shape, other women are going to notice you more. And she’s going to notice that other women are noticing you more, and that will make her more attracted to you, and it’ll make things easier. So, make things easier on yourself.
The other thing is, I suffer from sleep apnea since the weight gain, and she finds it hard to sleep next to me. It’s a super shitty feeling. I am working out and eating well, and I’ve lost weight these past few weeks. (I have yo-yoed.) I have a plan, she can see it slowly unfold, and I asked for her to be patient. (She agreed.)
Again, you shouldn’t be saying things like that, dude. “Please give me a chance, your highness.” You’re communicating that you’re way more into her than she’s into you. Women like you a lot more if they think and they feel that they’re more into you than you are into them. And this is right out of the book. But this is part of the problem. You’ve been following me for several years, and you only got through the book six times. I can tell, you just don’t know the information. And by the amount of time you’ve been following me, you should know this stuff. You’ve basically tied your shoelaces together and you’re trying to run a marathon. It’s not going to work out too well.
For the majority of the time, I feel like she is doing the pursuing, suggested multiple times to move closer to her, (as recently as Saturday), but when she came unglued, I wrongly asked if “we were okay”…
You’ve got to stop that, dude.
…which maybe added to the intensity of things. And I know I should be hanging out, having fun and hooking up.
Yeah, because you’re treating her like your mommy. You constantly need reassurance, “Am I good, Mommy? Do you still love me, Mommy? Am I your number one, Mommy? Do you like me, Mommy? Did I do something wrong, Mommy?” It’s not attractive.
They don’t want to be your mommy. They want you to be their champion, their lover, their rock, their mountain. The guy that’s always calm, always relaxed, always playful, almost always unperturbable. You don’t get irritated with her or anything else. You are acting like a needy, insecure jackass at times, and this is a big part of your problem. You’re literally shooting yourself in the foot.
She finished a relationship in December 2022 but was apart from the guy for 6 months prior. From what she tells me, it was highly controlling, borderline abusive. (Also, her dad left when she was young, and the stepdad, she is not close to.)
So, Coach, I need your advice/ass-kicking. Since I left yesterday, I haven’t contacted her. (Our mutual friend did reach out and said she loves and cares for me and to just give her that space for her to come to me.)
So, I very much would appreciate your insight,
Yeah, and the other thing is, you’ve got friends that you’re talking to about all of this stuff, about what’s going on with you and her, and some of that is getting back to her. Because your friends aren’t going to know this information, and they’re going to be saying things to her, thinking they’re helping you, when in reality what they’re doing is making you look weak and like a bitch. So, you’ve got to stop it.
You’ve got to stop coming unglued when you’re with her and stop trying to make her into your mommy. Because all of these problems that you’re having with her, this is getting in the way of her falling deeply, head over heels in love with you and wanting to screw your brains out every time you get together. It’s because you’re vacillating back and forth between being masculine and being feminine, totally unsure of yourself. That’s part of it. And then, you’re trying to seduce her when she’s not open to being touched, because you’ve been acting like a bitch, and again, treating her like your mommy. Women want a confident guy, not a guy that is basically looking to her to be the mommy.
So, you need to back off, and you need to let her come to you. She should be doing 90-95% of the pursuing at this point, and then you just simply make dates. And stop constantly asking her where you stand with her. This is stuff that’s right in the book. And you’re still doing things that the book points out to say not to do. Again, this is why you’ve got to read it 10 to 15 times.
And so, all of these problems that you’re having with this girl are totally on you. The guy that you see in the mirror every day, this the one who did it, because you did not spend the time to learn the material. Now you’re dating this girl that you really like, and you’re making a ton of totally unnecessary mistakes, and you’re constantly displaying unattractive behavior. So, you need to clean your game up, dude.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur