Some things you should consider if you are wondering if the girl you are dating is the one for you to settle down with.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a twenty-three year old guy who has read my first book, How To Be A 3% Man, twenty-three times and Mastering Yourself three times. He met his current girlfriend about three years ago on a dating app. They have been living together for about two years and everything is going well. They communicate well and every week they have a meeting where they talk about their goals, lives together and the state of their union.
He is now wondering if she is the one for him or if he is missing something, because he is too close and emotionally invested to be objective anymore. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email
This is an interesting journey, because in between the time that they weren’t seeing each other, his now girlfriend got into self-help, really got into taking care of herself and becoming a better person. And so, when he started dating her again, she had significantly improved everything in her life. They’ve been living together for a couple a couple of years now and everything is going well, but he’s like, “Hey, I’m 23. Maybe I’m too close to this situation to tell whether or not she’s the right person.”
But he goes through a lot of the things that they discuss. Like, every week they get together and they have a meeting. It’s kind of like a State of the Union meeting about their relationship, and their life, and their goals and everything. And that’s one of the strategies that I’ve talked about in my first book, How To Be A 3% Man, about how you get together and you kind of go through your magic moments of the week, things that went well, things that didn’t, and you work through them.
It’s great for facilitating communication, so you don’t let things build up over several weeks and months and then have a blowout. Every week, you get together and you talk about what happened over the previous seven days, and how you can better love one another, support one another and help each other grow, become more, meet your goals, reach your goals and fulfill each other’s needs, wants and desires — being true teammates. Because great communication in any relationship, if you want it to be a great relationship, you’re going to have to have great communication.
Something that I really didn’t understand when I was in my 20s and in my early 30s was that, just because of the environment that I came from and grew up in, chaos, things being out of balance, out of whack, drama, being stressed out, these were normal to me. I’ll give you an example. My old business partner, who I wrote about in my second book, Mastering Yourself, he’d been broke most of his life. And so, we all did really well together, but the problem was he was always broke.
He was constantly coming to me going, “Hey man, can I borrow $10 grand? Can I borrow $20 grand? I just need it for a week or two until I’ve got these closings happening.” And so, because he was used to always being broke and the financial stress that went along with that, any time he got a big chunk of money in, he was kind of like, “What can I spend this on?” He didn’t invest it. And I had discussions with him about that, and it never changed. He was just always broke.
And years later, actually the last time we hung out together before he passed away, he was broke. The IRS was all over him because he owed several years of back taxes, all the way back from when we worked together, and he had cancer and had gotten over it, and he had cancer again. And that’s obviously what eventually killed him. But I remember we were talking about being broke or whatever, and he laughed. He said, “I’m used to it,” because that was pretty much his whole life.
He was emotionally conditioned and emotionally anchored to be broke, and so, any time he had money, he spent it. That was just his normal. And even though we had discussions about that, he just kind of lived his whole life that way. Any time he got cash, he looked at it as something to spend and not to invest. And obviously, being at the point I’m at, I should have saved more money when I was younger and invested it as well, but I didn’t, so I’m not here calling the kettle black. I made similar mistakes.
The point being is that you’ve got to consider where you came from. If you come from a calm, balanced, peaceful, relaxed life, you’re typically going to be more inclined to having money in the bank, paying your bills, having a steady job, having a good, stable relationship, a good group of friends. That’s going to feel normal. If you didn’t have that, but you want it and you want to create it, you’re not going to be used to what that energetically feels like. And so, your natural inclination is to self sabotage or mess things up that are going well, just because you’re not used to things going well.
Well, at the end of the day, the fundamentals are the fundamentals, and you’re going to want to constantly refer back to these things over the course of your life. I know I do. I’m going to talk about it and I live it and I experience this stuff for a living, but it’s like a constant mindset refreshment. Because as you go through life, as you go through the decades, you’re going to have ups and downs, things are going to happen.
The economy is going to go up, the economy is going to go down. People die unexpectedly in your life. Relationships end. Friendships move away, and then eventually you lose touch because you’re just in other parts of the country, or maybe the world. And that’s just life. It’s just constantly changing. Nothing ever stays the same, so you have to get good at adapting to and expecting change, and expecting the unexpected, and when it comes to money, having money in the bank, so you have plenty of cushion when things go sideways.
A little history on the girl I am in a relationship with now, we got connected years ago through a dating app and met up on the beach for a lunch date, (this is when I was ONLY watching your videos). We went out to various places like the museums, skating, hiking, etc. I purchased your book after the first date, because I had been cherry picking through your videos and needed to learn the basics. To keep it short, I asked her to be my girlfriend and she rejected me.
Because, obviously, he didn’t know any better.
So I decided that I wouldn’t pressure her anymore by only hanging out, having fun, and hooking up.
That’s the magic formula, because, as I said in yesterday’s video, that’s not your AO, bro. That’s the area of operations of the woman. So, stay the hell out of her AO. And focus on your AO, which is hanging out, having fun and hooking up — creating the next opportunity for sex to happen.
She eventually grew feelings and started saying we can’t hang out. I did the takeaway a few times and it worked, but she kept fighting the fact that she had feelings for me. I ended things, because I felt it was necessary because she didn’t know what she wanted.
And he was obviously tired of getting jerked around. Because you get emotionally excited about somebody and their life is kind of screwed up, they’re kind of screwed up, and they can’t handle things going well. Granted, obviously, from what he said, you can tell he over-pursued a little bit, tried to lock her down. But you’ll see she had some stuff that she needed to clean up, which hasn’t been revealed yet, because we haven’t got to that part of the email.
Eight months passed, (I was dating other people during this period), and I decided to reach out again to see how she was doing and possibly go out on a date. She had done a complete 180 and started reading self-help books, stopped smoking weed, and scheduling her life by thinking where she wanted to be in the future.
So, in other words, she really actually did take time to work on herself. And unlike most women who say “I need to work on myself,” she actually did something about it. And that’s the crazy thing that, for those of you who have been following me for awhile, with “Mastering Yourself” or “How To Be A 3% Man,” when you try to teach or share these things with people that you know need it, the ones that need it the most are the ones that are least willing to hear what you’ve got to say and make any kind of changes.
I was skeptical, so I dated her for 2 months before assuming she actually changed.
So, he smartly was looking at her actions, because especially when it comes to self-help, most people just don’t stick with it. One thing that was interesting, back when I was in Tony World and I was a Platinum Partner, is back in the ’80s and the ’90s, he had an infomercial that would be on and he sold his “30 Days of Personal Power” tapes. They were tapes and then eventually they were CDs, once CDs became big. And what you did is you listened to a different one Monday through Friday, and then you had a little exercise at the end of it. And as the weeks went by, the exercises got longer and longer.
And so, it’s kind of like building muscle and building momentum. Instead of having a two hour exercise at the very beginning where most people go, “Oh, that’s too much work,” and they quit, that doesn’t come until later. And so, when you first start doing exercises, it’s a few minutes at a time over the course of the first few weeks. What was interesting is he had some companies he had hired, and out of all of these things that were selling, what are the results?
Out of every hundred of these that he would sell — I think they were two or three hundred bucks for the whole course at the time with all the CDs or the tapes, depending on which one you got — only about half of them, so out of a hundred, only about half of them actually took the shrinkwrap off the package. And then out of those fifty that took the shrinkwrap off, I think it was like maybe ten of them actually listened to one CD all the way through.
And then it was only like three or four out of that hundred that would do the whole 30 days, you know, the 30 Days of Personal Power, meaning they would listen to each one on the day they were supposed to, and then they would do the exercise afterward. And even after that, after the ones that did the exercises and went through all of the tapes, it was only like one, maybe two out of the hundred that made any significant, lasting impact in their lives. So, you’ve got a hundred people that supposedly were interested in self-help and were going to do something about it — spent the money, got the tapes, got the CDs — and maybe one or two out of a hundred really did well with it.
And another reason why, that “3%” that I’ve got on my book here, it’s kind of a big number, but it’s a small fraction of people that are really willing to do the work. And so, back to our email here, he waited to just see, because obviously he’d been learning enough for me to know that most people just don’t make the lasting changes that they should. They talk about what they’re going to do, but they simply don’t have the right mindset and control of their emotions to actually follow through on a consistent basis.
So for those of you who’ve had the frustrating experience where you tried to share “How To Be A 3% Man“ or “Mastering Yourself“ with somebody you care about, and their attitude is, “Ehh, I don’t have the time,” try to help the people that are open to it, but most of them are not going to be. That’s just reality. Unfortunately, it is what it is.
She hinted for us to get together A LOT, which eventually got to the point when we became exclusive, then had moved in together a couple months in, which brings us to today, 2 years later and both of us have grown, talked about many subjects, and having executive meetings every weekend to see where we are personally, spiritually, and business wise.
So, that tells me, the fact that you’ve been doing this for two years, here’s the interesting thing, you make a change in your life. If you can make it to thirty days on a consistent basis with that change, whatever it happens to be, whether it’s exercising, or drinking Corey’s green juice or alkaline smoothies, or whatever happens to be, if you can make it to thirty days, you can make it to six months. And if you can make it to six months being consistent, then you’ll make it to two years. If you can make it to two years, then you’ll do it for a decade.
And one of the things that Wayne Dyer used to say, “It’s never crowded along the extra mile.” Because the reality is almost everybody falls out and gives up at some point along the way. And the fact that now they’ve been doing it for two years consistently, statistically the odds are in their favor. Now that they’ve gone two years of doing this and things are going well, the chances of them making it a full decade, you have the best odds. The odds are best in your favor.
Numerically, statistically, you made it two years, so you guys should high five each other, hug each other and make mad, passionate love afterwards and celebrate that victory, because that is so big. Because most people don’t get there, unfortunately. It is what it is. So, you’re out there along that extra mile and you’re looking around, and there’s not a lot of people that came along with you. It’s sad, but it’s reality. But the word lead means to go first. Somebody has got to do it, and you guys are doing it, so congratulations.
There’s a part of me that wonders if I haven’t got enough life experience just yet, knowing the things I know now all thanks to you Coach. I’m not worried I won’t find anyone, but maybe if I’m just too close to my own trees that I can’t see the whole forest and overthink too much on if there’s something more for me to do that I haven’t figured out yet.
Well, based on what you shared, you’re doing amazing and it sounds like your girl is amazing. He sent a picture, and she’s a babe. So, good job, man. I mean, the fact that she did all of this self-help, very few people are willing to do that. So, maybe you’ve got yourself a unicorn. Right now, if we look at her actions and what’s happened, you guys have made it to two years and most people just don’t.
This level of effort, when it comes to self-help, most people just don’t get there. That’s the reality. It’s a sad reality. Tony Robbins is the best coach in the world at what he does and getting quick change and permanent change in people. And yet, out of every 100 people that bought his course, he got one or two that really made any significant lasting change. So, the numbers are rare, but you did it.
Thank you, Mr. Wayne for everything you do. my girlfriend and I read your book and many others together, because you helped me to get on that journey.
So, my personal view on marriage is, if it’s going great, get married, wear a ring. Have a business agreement with you if you build something together, in case it doesn’t work out or one of you gets hit by a bus. I personally wouldn’t involve the government in my relationship, but you guys have stood the test of time and everything looks great.
And like I said, the thing you’ve got to keep in mind is where you came from. Because if you came from a place that was chaotic and full of drama, it’s understandable that things are going so well, you’re going to be looking for reasons to potentially fuck it up. And I haven’t seen anything in what you shared or said that would lead me to believe that. Just keep doing what you’re doing, man. It’s going great.
And as far as the marriage thing I said, my opinion on it is don’t involve the government. Because if you ever do decide to split up, the only people that make out are the divorce attorneys. You just make the divorce attorneys rich. They fleece both of you, and then you end up hating each other in the process.
So, you guys communicate well. You’ve been doing it every week, so talk about that if it’s something that’s important. But like I said, from what you wrote, things are going well. Keep doing what you’re doing. You’re obviously inspiring to the audience, and you’re obviously, I would imagine, inspiring to your friends, your family and your peer group. So, good job, man. Just remember, drama free zone. And from what I’ve read, there’s no drama. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.
You’ve got to understand that your relationship is so unique, and so different, and so unusual compared to almost everybody you’re ever going to meet or get to know, and you should celebrate that. And you guys should have a victory dance together, have a naked victory dance party all weekend and do naughty things to each other that’ll make your parents blush, whatever. Have a good time.
So, if you have a challenge that you’re having in your personal or your professional life and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The only constant in life is change. Nothing stays the same forever. How do you know when you have found the right person, the right job, right friends and right lifestyle for you? If you come from a background where everything being chaotic, full of drama and messy is normal, you must consider that your natural inclination will be to feel that when things are calm, balanced and peaceful, that it is not normal. This can cause self-sabotage and messing up good things, because you simply are not used to this new normal. The superior way to be at your best personally is to have a life, lifestyle and people who contribute to and facilitate your being in a peaceful, calm and relaxed state. It’s much easier to live and enjoy a life of ease and delight, than to be stressed, out of balance and fearful. Choose wisely!” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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