Letting go of people and relationships that no longer serve you is easier said than done. When I was younger and totally inept with women, every two or three years when I would meet a woman who is just as much into me as I was into her, I’d get two or three dates before I turned her off and she would no longer want to see me.
Sometimes it would take me a year to recover emotionally from that rejection. I was totally in the dark and did not understand women.
A big problem with not letting go of people and relationships that have run their course is that by staying focused on what could have been, you are missing what could be right now if you were open to it. The world has over 6 1/2 billion people. The ratio of men to women is about equal. So whether you’re a man or a woman you’ve got lots of options!
The simple solution or the simple question you can ask of a woman who you want to rekindle something with is… simply ask her to dinner and treat it like it’s your first date. Make sure she does 70% to 80% of the talking by asking questions. Ask her “what you mean? Tell me more. Don’t leave anything out. I want to understand where you are coming from. Etc.”
The following dissertation, I mean e-mail, is from a reader who is trying to rekindle something with a woman he screwed up with over a decade ago! Talk about being stuck in the past! My comments are (in bold brackets like this) in the body of his e-mail:
I know what you are already going to say, that is if an old girlfriend is not interested, move on there are plenty of fish in the sea (yep, that’s the best approach to have when you want to get a particular woman back. When you only focus on 1 woman instead of her and as many other pretty ladies as you can find, you put yourself in a weak position. That is a scarcity mindset. Never try to keep someone who does not want to keep you. Ask her out, if she says no, tell her to give you a call if she changes her mind. Then start meeting and dating as many other women as you can find. Maybe she calls, maybe she doesn’t. Who cares. You need to see yourself as a catch. You got this chick once, you can get another who is even better for you if you finally learn to understand women. You can download the Amazon Kindle version of my book to your Smartphone, PC, Mac or iPad in under 60 seconds for only $9.99 by CLICKING HERE to learn how to meet and date the type of women you’ve always wanted and have effortless relationships. HELLO! HINT! HINT!). Well it hasn’t been that easy. The story goes that I went with this lady in 1998, when I was 52 years old and she was 45. We went together for a year and then she said she wanted to start seeing other people, but said don’t forget to call me. I didn’t have much contact with her in about 5 or 6 mo. I did send her some flowers on the fourth of July that year and never heard any thing from her. In the past I would give her flowers all the time (bad idea. You can’t bribe women into loving you with gifts. You give too much to the point that it means nothing and had no romantic value to her) and within five minutes of her getting them she would call me and say thank you (she’s polite). I saw her at work about a month later and she said thank you for the flowers, but the reason she hadn’t called was I hadn’t contacted her and she said she could hold out as long as I could and not call (two adults playing games and not being authentic with one another). We did a couple of motorcycle rides a month later, but it wasn’t the same. I called her in October and she was very cold and said you left me for six months, now I am leaving you for six months (you don’t understand women. You need to read my book. If you have, you need to re-read it because you did not learn the material well enough). I did a stupid thing I know now but at the time I thought I was doing what I thought best. For the next 9 months I sent her flowers, candy, and boxes of gifts on Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentine Day, Easter and Mothers Day (bribes. Never works). I never heard a word from her to stop. I went to see her aunt in the hospital and that really upset her (you go see her aunt but you don’t go see her. Silly). I saw her at work one day after all this and she told me to stop sending her things and was really upset with me for seeing her aunt. I stopped sending anything and didn’t really see her or talk to her for several years (she lost interest because you did way too many things wrong and moved on).
When we first started going together she said that I think I have found my knight in shinning armor, She gave me her garage door opener and house key (she had a high level of trust in you THEN), when I went over she said to just knock and come in, she had never put anyone’s name on her speed dial before, she had never called any man from her work before, she would call just to hear my voice, she wanted to know what kind of pop I liked so she could have it on hand, when she was sick she wanted Dr. Bob to come over and take care of her, she would say I didn’t see you yesterday, am I going to get to see you today, she saw her monthly bills piling up and said she forgot to go through them this month, she took off work to take me to a medical appointment out of town one day, she wore a ring I had given her, she wanted to know why I hadn’t introduced her as my girlfriend to some people we met one night, her boss had never seen her so happy and told her to keep on doing what she was doing (THAT WAS THEN. A LONG TIME AGO. She obviously no longer feels that way).
Now to jump forward several years. She was working in the shop as the secretary for six hours a day and then driving school bus in the afternoon for two hours. In September 2007 she was driving a bus that was right next to mine, so I started talking with her and I would help her check her bus out every afternoon. I would see her for about 5 or 10 min. We got along great, I would bring her some sort of candy everyday (more bribes) and some funny e-mail I had gotten. She continued to drive until about march of 2008 when she got a new position inside and stopped driving bus altogether. At the time I didn’t want to ask her out as I was trying to show her that I could be a good friend (mistake. You became her butler instead, proving you were weak and did not understand women) and not try to force myself on her again. She always seemed to enjoy having me help her (everybody likes helpful people bearing gifts) and I never got the feeling she didn’t want me around her. Her last day driving I had started her bus and was standing back out of the way when she came walking out, I stepped forward so she could see me and she had a big smile on her face and not a look like oh no there he is again.
Since that time I have had hardly any contact with her except at work when we past I will say hello. I started sending her a birthday card with no flowers or candy, in September 2008 6 months after our last contact. To my surprise I got a general type note card from transportation that year with the names of the shop mechanics on it and hers. The next year I was off ill all year and I received the same type card with drivers names on it from the lot I would have been driving out of and her name. I asked the boss out at that lot I didn’t know they sent cards out on birthdays like that and he said he didn’t know of it either, it must be from someone that cares. The next year I got the same type card with all the staff members and bosses from the main lot on it and her name. Someone had to go around and collect all those names from each person (dude, your reaching. Reading way too much into things). This last year I also received the same card. Now her birthday is coming up on Sept. 17th and on the cards in the past I have written I hope you and your family are in good health and that when we were going together I was sorry I didn’t meet her sisters and have holiday functions with them. I am at a loss of what to say anymore (your heart is even telling you to move on). This year I am going to be stopping by the main lot everyday to pick up the mail and will probably run into her. I don’t ever know what to say to her except Hi and how you doing. One time I was coming down the stairs as she was opening the side door at the bottom of the stairs and she saw me and just stopped and kind of just hung her head down. I came across her the other day at our in service and she gave a cute smile and said hi. I am getting too old to let this go on any longer, without saying something. I kind of think she still cares some, but is afraid of what has happened in the past. I need to find a way to be able to talk to her and tell her I have learned a lot since then (don’t explain, just invite her to dinner and forget your foolish past. Treat it like a first date. A fresh start without saying it. Show her thru your actions that you are a changed man. Trying to tell her or rationalize her into liking you is pointless. Women are not wired to emotionally respond like robots to male logic) and be more open to her about myself. In all these years I have seen a lot of women and the ones I am attracted to are the ones that look just like her. For some reason I am just into that look (human beings are attracted to people who have a similar facial structure to their own). I used to go out to a country western night club every weekend and saw a lot of women and even took one motorcycle riding but was never interested in any one of them and never saw anyone I liked more then Pam. I would go out there and be around all those people and could be very depressed.
Anyway we are both older and I would like to know the best way to communicate to her that I am not the same person that didn’t know anything about sex and being in a relationship or the workings of a women both internal and external (get yourself some of the better sex video series DVD’s by clicking here). The last night we were really together I said something stupid about how am I going to learn anything unless she teaches me. She was concerned and told me that she had external labia lips and all I could think of was to ask her why. She got mad and then I said the previous. There is one more major issue in all this that I haven’t mentioned yet, but it is embarrassing so will save that for another time (not important. You’ve told me enough already). After all of this writing, my main concern now is what to say on the birthday card (Dude, just ask her to dinner. Enough with the cards and gifts) and when I see her, what is the best way to find out if she still really cares (ask her to dinner. If you got a chance she will say yes and keep the date. If you don’t she will say no). I also need to know how to communicate to her how much I have tried to learn just about everything there is to learn about the working of a woman that at the time I had no idea about (you need to learn first. Then show her with your actions. Words are meaningless without action to back them up). I never did realize just how important the clitoris is to female satisfaction. Nobody has been able to answer these questions for me, so I am hoping that you will have the answers. Thanks for your interest and knowledge in helping men. You are my last hope.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Success depends upon previous preparation, & without such preparation there is sure to be failure.”-Confucius