Why becoming a butt-hurt man baby quickly turns women off and leads to a loss of respect and romantic attraction.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped yesterday by his girlfriend of a year and a half. He said everything was almost too good to be true for the first year. Then he slowly reverted back to the lazy, soft, easily perturbable man he was before he found my work.
His girlfriend lost interest in sex and intimacy, and his solution was to complain about it and tell her she needed to make more of an effort. She did for a while, but it wasn’t because she was feeling it, but out of guilt. He was constantly getting triggered by her for the last 6 months until she only had platonic feelings for him and dumped him, saying they could still be friends. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Some of the things she tells him after they broke up or when she was breaking up with him just really shows what was going on and how she really felt about him. And this is the experience for most guys that get dumped by their girlfriends or their wives. The biggest complaint that women have is guys are romantic at first, and then it’s like they stop courting their women. And if you talk to the guys, they say they make the effort in the beginning and they think, hey, once you’re together and you’re in a relationship, you don’t have to do those things anymore because that courtship phase is over. Now that you’re in a relationship, those things don’t apply.
But serious students know that the courtship never ends. The two primary reasons why I see this – and I’ve seen this thousands and thousands of times over the last 20 years, probably tens of thousands of times, I guess, at this point – is the two things that men screw up in long-term relationships is they stop dating and courting their girl, and/or they stop making her feel heard and understood. If you’re doing everything right, this in the book, your girl is going to be more interested in sex than you are. She’s going to be wanting to be more affectionate and have more sex than you want. And that’s just a fact of life.
If you’re begging her to want to sleep with you, or you’re trying to get her attention and validation, then you have definitely screwed up and you need to go back and start things over. And that’s why I say read the book 10 to 15 times. You can’t read the book and be good for the first year and then, in essence, revert back to your old self, which is what this guy admits that he did. He reverted back to the nice guy, and when there were problems, instead of opening her up, he just says, “Well, I’m going to match and mirror her actions, and act like a zombie, and ignore her more,” which didn’t do anything.
You can’t do that in the long term relationship. That’s okay If you just started dating and you’re dating other girls, but when you’ve been with somebody for a year, year and a half, your solution to every problem can’t be no contact or ignoring her. That just shows me it’s a lack of understanding of the philosophy, especially the relationship skills.
This guy is young, but like I said, young and old guys make this same mistake, and women complain about the same things over and over. And there’s some good feedback that she gave him that just shows what he was doing and saying and how it turned her off. She even mentions, “we’re not even the same people anymore.” And that’s another complaint a lot of women have, is that “you changed.” And so, what she’s trying to communicate to him is, “you stopped being the guy that I fell in love with.” And that’s just so common, that I see it over and over and over and over again.
So, the idea is, you want to learn from this. This is this is an email from a guy who was doing great, a young guy. Obviously, this is probably his first long term relationship. But he did good for about a year, and then he kind of reverted back to the way he was. And it wasn’t until he got dumped that he recognized how badly he had screwed up.
Plus, the other thing he noticed was she was being very bitchy and grumpy towards him. And that’s because she lost all respect and attraction. And if she’s being bitchy and grumpy and insulting you, and you’re just sitting there taking it like a nice guy, she’s going to continue to lose respect for you. Because she knows her behavior is out of line, but you’re not being man enough to stand up to her and put her in her place in a playful and loving way.
And then another complaint I see, typically red pill guys will say, “you always blame the guy.” Well, in this case and probably 80-90% of the emails I get are mostly guys anyway, saying, “Hey, here’s what I did, here’s what she said. What can I do better? Critique my game, Corey.” So, that’s what I’m doing here. I’m helping the person that wrote the email, and that’s why I’m brutally honest with them.
I’m telling what they can do, what they did right, what they did wrong, what they need to do differently, so everybody that’s watching and listening to this can learn from it. This isn’t about just pointing the fingers and saying, “Oh, it’s always the man’s fault.” But at the end of the day, as Don Shula said, “strong men blame themselves, weak men blame others.”
And that’s what I see over and over and over again with the red pill guys, is they always want to blame everybody else. It’s always the woman’s fault, “women have changed.” It can’t be that they made a bad choice and got involved with a woman that belonged to the streets. No, it’s “all women have changed now.” Because that absolves them from having any personal responsibility. And if it’s not your fault, you can’t do anything to fix it and you’ll continue to get dumped by the future women that you date for the same exact reasons.
After being dumped yesterday by my girlfriend of a year and a half, I’ve had some realizations. For about the first year of my relationship, it was almost too good to be true. We were insanely in love and everything went so smoothly, (honeymoon phase?).
Well, you were doing things right and you were acting attractive constantly. And if you are following what’s in the book, she’s doing most of the calling, texting and pursuing, and that includes in person. Everything in my book is designed to influence a woman to do this, because quite frankly, this is the natural way that they are wired. Now, that’s assuming they’re healthy and not messed up emotionally or mentally in some way.
I met her on the first day I got to college as a freshman. Now I am a sophomore in my second semester, and this is my first day ever being without her. It hurts like hell as one could imagine. I believe the reason everything was going so well was because I was obsessed with your work.
Well, you were focused on your actions and the results you were getting. You were making an effort, and you were measuring the results you were getting. And once you saw the results, you continued to change and modify your approach based on the results. But at some point, obviously, that stopped. Probably as soon as you got complacent and became sure of yourself, maybe a little too sure.
It was like a religion to me. I read the book so many times and watched videos every single day. At one point, I had read it almost 10 times.
Well, I always say 10 to 15 times.
However, things had been going so smoothly in my relationship that I started to read the book less, watch less videos, and overall become kind of complacent.
Again, this is the biggest thing that women complain about. They were romantic at first, and then they changed. And you’ll even see towards the end of this email she’s complaining about how, “we’re not the same people anymore.” In other words, he changed. He stopped being the guy that she fell in love with. And as he said, he kind of reverted back to a soft, nice guy, beta male that whined and complained about things, instead of handling things like he did, at least for the first year.
About 5 months ago, she started to become less intimate and horny.
Well, what is the formula? Hang out, have fun, hook up. It’s always the same formula, whether you’re two months in or 20 years in. It’s the same thing over and over and over again.
When I was in sales and the people that worked for me that I taught sales, they they would do great, they would have several months where they were just crushing it financially. And then what happens is they’ve got all this money coming in, they’ve got all these commissions in the pipeline, they get lazy, they go, “Oh, I’m going to take a vacation.” They go buy themselves a Rolex, or a new car, or whatever. And the next thing they know, they’ve got nothing in the pipeline, they’ve got bills to pay, and they’re freaking out.
What happens is they get lazy, they get complacent, they get full of themselves, and they start cutting corners. They would go from spending an hour and a half or so in a buyer’s consultation, getting to know the client, developing rapport and a relationship, to where they were just going right into showing them property and trying to get them to buy something when there wasn’t any rapport yet. So, they just completely started cutting all the corners because they thought, “Hey, I’ve got all these commissions, I’m the best. I’m the number one salesperson this month. I can cut this, and I can cut that out.”
And then, several months go by and then they’re showing people properties, and they’re not getting any offers written, and clients are ghosting them. And they’re wondering, what happened? It’s because they stopped doing the little things that made them successful in the first place. This is where discipline comes in.
He says, “five months ago, she started to become less intimate and horny.” And so, that tells me he’s trying to have sex with her and she’s not ready for it. And that is just total lack of sensory acuity. I mean, the book explains the things to look for when a woman is ready to be touched. And like I said, if you really follow what’s in the book, she’s going to be wanting more sex, quite frankly, than you do. And the other thing is, when you do have sex, it better be good. If you’re if you’re lousy in bed, she’s not going to keep coming back for more.
At first I let it slide, thinking I need to do better, but eventually it got to the point where I expressed to her how I need more effort on her part.
Well, she’s not making the effort because she’s not feeling it. And that’s the thing you totally ignored. You can’t talk her into making more of an effort. You can’t talk her into wanting to have more sex with you, especially if you’re starting to display nice guy, beta male tendencies, and become a whingebag about it, and whine and complain, which is what he was starting to do here.
I wasn’t feeling loved or appreciated due to the lack of sex.
Well, if your girl’s not turned on… you were able to turn her on for the first year, and now something has changed. And to start complaining about it instead of saying, “Okay, well, I kept her attracted for the first year, what’s different now? Where am I cutting corners?” People get lazy. The longer you’re together, it’s like, “Oh, I don’t have to do this. I don’t have to do that.”
Just like him; he got into a relationship and didn’t really take the time to learn the relationship material. It only seems like he took the time to learn the pickup and the dating skills, and never really focused on the relationship stuff when it really mattered. And then, it’s not until he gets dumped that he’s like, “Well, maybe I screwed up.”
This conversation happened too many times and ultimately led to her feeling hurt that she wasn’t enough for me.
Well, what’s happening is she knows you’re a great guy and she should feel something different, like she did in the first year, but her feelings have changed. And since her feelings changed, her emotional motivation to make the effort was no longer there. And for you to just stay the way you were, and then complain about it and not look inward or look at how your behavior had changed, that’s typically what the red pill guys do. They just say, “Oh, hypergamy doesn’t care. That’s what happens.”
If you act like a bitch, women are going to treat you like a bitch. If you don’t date and court your wife or girlfriend, eventually some other guy will. Just like the guy from yesterday’s email. He said he moved in with his girlfriend. I mean, they had lived with at his parents’ house for a year. And ten days later, after he moved in with her, she basically dipped and then, in essence, started “couch surfing” with the guy who is, “He’s just a friend. You don’t have to worry about him.” So, that’s what happens.
Eventually, she said she understood, and things were a little better moving forward.
So at this point, she’s not making the effort because she felt it. She’s doing it because she doesn’t want him to get upset and butt-hurt. And you can only do that for so long. Forcing yourself to do something that you don’t feel, it’s only going to last so long.
We still had less sex, but I could tell she was at least trying, so I let it slide.
Again, notice he’s pointing the finger, “Oh, I let it slide,” instead of ignoring the fact that she was attracted, all over his ass like white on rice, for the first year, and now it’s all her fault. It’s all her fault she’s not interested in sex. I mean, that is just such a clueless statement. That’s somebody that cannot tell when a woman’s ready to be touched or not. I mean, he did everything right for the first year, and now he turns into a mangina that complains constantly. It’s only a matter of time before you get dumped when you behave that way.
More recently, about a month ago, she became really cold when we were in person.
That’s because she had lost all respect for you, because you stopped being the man. You stopped leading things. And whenever she got together, instead of being the man that she admired and respected, it’s like she’s dealing with a man baby or a little man child. All you do is complain when she gets together that she’s not paying attention to you,”Mommy won’t pay attention to me or touch me.”
She became bitchy, unappreciative, non-intimate and non-touchy, (seemed to be out of nowhere).
Yeah, it was out of nowhere, alright. So, his solution, because he really only paid attention to pickup and dating skills, was to do nothing. Remember, when a woman feels heard and understood the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs close. And so, if the legs are closed all the time, she doesn’t feel heard and understood. Simple as that. It’s such an easy thing to fix.
I backed off, because I figured I would match and mirror her behavior.
Because, again, you only focused on pickup and dating skills. You didn’t learn the relationship skills, so you were unable to sustain it.
This led to us just growing further and further apart.
Yeah, ignoring her when she’s cold and distant is not the right move, dude, when you’re in a relationship. That’s okay when you’re dating for the first few weeks or a couple of months. But when you’re in an exclusive relationship a year and a half into it, and your solution to her being cold and distant is just ignore her? When you’ve been complaining that she’s not giving you attention? It’s like, when she’s around you, she’s not feeling like she’s with her man, who can lead her, and she respects and admires and looks up to. It’s like she’s dealing with a man child, like somebody that basically made her his mommy.
I believe my main fuck up was not talking to her about it.
Yep. When a woman feels heard and understood the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs close. And so, instead of talking about it, he ignored her – big mistake. That’s only going to last for so long before she dips.
I kept hoping things would change instead of confronting her.
Well, you shouldn’t be “confronting” your girlfriend. You should be talking and working through issues and problems as they come up.
We went way too long without seeing each other, until she invited me over last night.
So, what does that mean, they went weeks without seeing or talking?
I was ready to talk to her about her behavior.
It’s all her fault. The red pill guys are like, “Yeah, it’s all her fault. Hypergamy doesn’t care. She’s not yours, it’s just your turn.”
Then she broke up with me. She said she felt we had turned into best friends vs. lovers…
In other words, you became a nice a soft, nice guy that she treated like a doormat she was verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive to, and you just took it.
…and that she had to be the one to break it off, because I never would have and that I “deserve better.”
She knows she should be treating you better, but she doesn’t feel it. Why? Because she’s not feeling attraction, because you’re not acting like a man and a leader.
I realize that I have fucked up, and I stopped really paying attention to the principles.
This is as predictable as the sun coming up in the East and setting in the West.
I never once overpursued over text, but I think I started to go back to my old self in person.
Yeah, it’s not about overpursuing in text. It’s about the fact that you didn’t make her feel heard and understood. I mean, if you weren’t even seeing her, I don’t know how long you didn’t see her for, but if you’re in a relationship for a year and a half, then you go several weeks without talking or seeing each other, that’s kind of stupid, thinking that your relationship is just going to fix itself. I mean, a simple thing like, “Babe, you seem a little cold and distant lately. What’s up? Are you mad? Are you upset? What’s going on?” You’ve got to get her to talk.
I am currently no contact and said I will not remain friends with her going forward.
It sounds like she tried to friendzone him.
But it’s nearly impossible because we have all the same mutual friends.
My main point in sending this is to emphasize that if you ever stop reading the book, shit will go downhill.
Well, that’s not completely accurate. You, again, just focused on learning pickup and dating skills and really didn’t pay much attention to the relationship skills, and I can tell by your actions. I mean, yeah, if you’d kept reading the book, it would have definitely helped. I do say 10 to 15 times, but you’ve got to learn the relationship stuff, and I’ve been saying it constantly for years.
Guys do exactly this; they learn the pickup and the dating skills, and they’re a couple of months in, and they’re like, “I’ve got this. I don’t need to read this anymore. I’ve got it. It’s piece of cake.” And then, slowly over time, as problems arise, things build up. They’re not making her feel heard and understood. They’re not opening her up. The next thing you know, it’s like that little lump under the carpet is a giant mountain in the living room that you can’t ignore anymore.
It happened to me to the point where her attraction gradually got lowered all the way until she dumped me.
Well, again, if you knew the attraction table, it’s in the chapter “It’s All in the Numbers,” you would be able to tell, as she stopped doing the things that a woman does when she’s in love. That’s why you’re supposed to be aware of it. But you weren’t paying attention.
She took “full responsibility” for not being good to me.
Well, that was nice of her. She knows her behavior was inappropriate, but you didn’t stand up to her. How can she trust a man’s masculine core that won’t even stand up to her when she’s being abusive? If you act like a bitch, women will treat you like a bitch. The red pill guys, that just drives them nuts.
She admitted that she was treating me very poorly…
Which she was.
…and said she’s been going through changes as a person and thinks that we are both just very different people than we were when we met.
What she’s really saying is “you’re a very different person than when we met,” which is true. He wasn’t acting like the same guy he was in the beginning anymore, and he even admits this. It’s harsh, it’s tough love, but that’s the way it is. This is the real world, where I live. I don’t live in delusional la-la land with the rest of those red pill guys that are constantly looking for every reason why it’s not their fault. “Oh, Corey, that’s not true red pill. You don’t know what you’re talking about. You should do your research.” It’s like, no.
Over the last year or two, man, so many dudes have gotten involved in that crap and it just wrecked their relationship. And they’re like, “Oh, it’s costing you business.” And I’m like, actually, no. It’s increased my business, because I’ve got so many people coming to me that were doing well with my work, and then got into the red pill and screwed it up, and then they came back. Or, people that had a relationship and then got involved in red pill and it wrecked it.
We still love and care for each other and always will.
No, you won’t, as soon as you find something new. That’s happy talk.
When I say I stopped reading the book, I mean religiously. I would keep reading it, but it got to the point where she was just upsetting me, and I didn’t know what to do.
That’s because you didn’t understand the material, dude. You didn’t take the time to learn the relationship material. You were mad and butt-hurt, because you were focused on yourself and the fact you weren’t getting laid and completely ignoring that it’s a process. Hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out. And part of the having fun is talking to her and getting her to open up. And that went right out the window because, again, “I’m not getting laid enough. It’s all her fault. The red pill guys told me hypergamy doesn’t care. She’s ready to monkey branch. She’s not yours, it’s just your turn.”
One issue is I was allowing her to upset me.
You’ve got to be unperturbable. You’re constantly getting upset. You’re not strong enough to lead her. You’re acting like a child. She wants a man, not a child. She wants a man that will playfully and lovingly put her in her place when she’s out of line and call her out on her BS. But instead, you became a doormat, Mr. Nice Guy, and your solution was just to ignore her and go no contact every time she didn’t do what you wanted.
She also kept saying over and over that she just feels terrible because I have been nothing but good to her.
In other words, you’re a really nice, squishy guy. You’re just so soft. You’re just too soft.
She said she isn’t good enough for me.
I would say the same thing.
She said she simply needs time alone and “isn’t opposed” to us getting back together. My main question to you is, did the relationship simply run its course?
Come on, man. Do you really think that’s what it is? I mean, you’ve already admitted in here where you screwed up, and you know you screwed up. But, again, you’re trying to absolve yourself, “It’s not my fault. It must have just run its course.”
Dude, if you don’t figure this out and you don’t take corrective action, the next girl is going to dump you for exactly the same reason. And probably in about the same time frame. You’ll get about a year down the road, and things will start to backslide, and boom! A year and six months, you’ll be out of there.
In your book, you talk about ending a relationship in a loving way, which is what we did. There is no bad blood between us, and I understand I fucked up. She said herself, she thinks we just grew away from each other.
Women don’t understand how attraction works, or I should say, most of them don’t. But the bottom line is you changed. You’re not the same guy that she fell in love with.
Was this just aftermath of the honeymoon phase?
Come on, man. This is more cope on your part.
Or did I just allow her attraction to get so low, to the point where it was unsalvageable?
Well, again, when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and you never took the time to open her up. All you do is get butt-hurt and angry and pissed off at her. So, she probably got to the point and would say that she felt like she’s always walking on eggshells and never could make you happy. But what you really wanted is you wanted things to get back to the way they were for the first year. Remember, strong men blame themselves. Weak men blame others.
We also were both crying really hard and embracing the whole time. We talked about some memories we had, I made a couple jokes, and we were laughing through our tears. Did I fuck up by being emotional and crying?
It doesn’t matter. At this point, the damage was done. Her interest was low, and if her interest is low, it doesn’t matter. If her interest was high, she wouldn’t have cared. She would have said, “Oh, we were both crying. We cared so much and we worked it out.” Well, she obviously, at this point, tried to friendzone you. You said you weren’t interested. And I would say, at this point, I wouldn’t do anything if you’re trying to have a relationship with her and she’s dumping you.
If you want to work things out and she doesn’t, well, you never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you. She ended it, therefore, she’s got to fix it. And so, you should be following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” And in the meantime, you need to actually read the book, especially the relationship information. I would start all over again, start reading the book and learn the information.
The other video you should definitely watch is “How To Communicate With Women Effectively” – probably another video you skipped over or didn’t pay attention to in the beginning. Probably because you’re like, “Hey, I’m getting laid all the time. Things are great. She talks to me all the time. We don’t have any problems.” But here you are, a year and a half later, you got dumped because you stopped dating and courting her properly. And most importantly, you didn’t make her feel heard and understood.
And on top of that, you turned into a complaining, whiny mangina that was always complaining that he wasn’t getting enough hugs and attention from his mommy, and women are disgusted by this. They’ll think you’re a nice guy and they should feel something different for you, but they feel what they feel. Because women, feminine women, are attracted to masculinity, and you were displaying the opposite of masculinity.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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