How To Get Your Ex Back When You Still Live Together

How to get your ex back when you still live together.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who broke up with his girlfriend of 9 years. They still live together, and he wants her back. He says he got dumped due to three things. He was constantly arguing with her, he had a bad temper and was constantly getting perturbed, and they have very different political views that led to arguments and disagreements.

He wonders whether he should move out or stay living together to give him the best possible chance of getting her back. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

He lists three different reasons why she broke up with him. And, obviously, it’s aligned with the things that I talk about most in my videos. When people come to me, the women get turned off in long term relationships because of two reasons, typically. Either A) she doesn’t feel heard and understood, or B) he stopped dating and courting her properly. So, with that in mind, he’s been scouring the internet and he’s come across other people that do some of the same things that I do, and they recommend that he moves out, which is the opposite of what I would recommend.

Because if you’re trying to re-attract somebody and you live in the same house with them, you have to stop displaying all of the unattractive behavior – which he’s becoming aware of now and recognizes how much it has turned her off – and get refocused on your goals, your mission, your purpose. And going to the gym, hanging out with your friends. Go see your mother, reconnect with old friendships that maybe you’ve let go over the last several years. Get re-involved in your hobbies and your interests in doing things other than the things that you’re doing with your girl.

Now, this particular guy says he works about 60 hours a week, so that’s quite a bit of time he spends at work. And then, obviously, we don’t know how long his commute is or how much time he spends commuting to and from his job, as to the amount of hours that he puts in at his job. So, we want to put him in the best possible position to where he can create the conditions where she comes back to him.

Because she ended the relationship, and so, as I talk about in the article and video I did many years ago, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” whoever messes it up is the one that’s got to fix it. She’s pushed him away. She’s telling him there’s no reconciliation going to happen. Therefore, she’s going to have to be the one that has a change of heart. That’s why it’s so critically important for guys that are in this situation to stop doing all of these unattractive things.

So, as I go through this email, there are going to be some things I’m going to explain to him that he should work on and do, since he sees her every day, because they live together. Because it looks like, in a week or so, she’s going to be moving out. I think he said the 17th or the 18th of the month. So, that’s about a week from now when she’s supposed to move out.

We’ll see what we can do to put him in a position to where he could create the conditions where she will want to come back and she’ll obviously notice a difference that he’s not doing all the same unattractive behaviors. Which you’ll see in a minute, he mentions in his email, she’s definitely taking note that his behavior has changed. But the question is, is it enough? Or is she just too far down the road to have a reconciliation?

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach Corey Wayne,

My girlfriend broke up with me during the 27th of March. We were together for 9 years, and I want her back. I have read your book 3-4 times and have watched 3-4 hours of your videos for the last 10 days, especially your videos on how to get an ex back. I know what I did wrong to cause the breakup in the first place. Mainly, 3 things:

1) A lot had to do with arguing and trying to use logic with her. I fixed this now.

She’s definitely not going to feel heard and understood. If you’re trying to argue and use logic and reason to win the argument, because even if you win, you’re going to lose. Because you have to be able to communicate and work out your differences calmly. Masculine energy is calm. It’s not a jack in the box. It’s not a lunatic who’s calm one minute and the next minute is blowing his top, yelling and screaming, and cussing her out, and slamming doors, and driving off for a few hours.

2) Also having a bad temper, which I got from working 60+ hours a week, (which caused me suffering from a burnout 2 weeks prior since I got dumped).

I wouldn’t say you got it from working 60 hours a week. You chose not to exercise self control, and she was on the receiving end of your temper tantrums.

I fixed my bad temper now.

Yeah, you can choose to exercise self control, or not. We’ve all had this experience. You’re in a heated, spirited debate with somebody, and then the phone rings and you pick up and you’re like, “Hi, how are you? Oh, everything’s great. Everybody’s wonderful here. Oh, yeah, everything’s so great. We’re so happy, it’s just so amazing.” Then you hang the phone up, and you go right back to arguing and yelling, or whatever you were doing before. We all have the ability to exercise self control. The question is, why do we not? Typically, it’s out of respect, and because the other person allows us to get away with it. Because no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. Whatever you tolerate, you invite more of.

3) Different political views: I am an independent thinker and generally skeptical of mainstream media.

That’s good. I just saw a clip with Elon Musk and a reporter from the BBC, and this guy’s going, “Oh, ever since you took over, I see all this hate speech that’s on my feed.” And so, he’s like, “Name an example,” and the guy couldn’t. He starts stammering and yammering and trying to change the subject and ask a different question. And Elon, to his credit, held his feet to the fire. The bottom line is, it was obvious to anybody watching this little clip from the interview, the reporter is totally full of shit. He’s a liar. And Elon, to his face, he says, “You’re lying,” and that’s what he’s doing.

Most of the people in the media that are supposedly “journalists” are giving their opinions. They’re supposed to just give us the facts, so we can make an informed, intelligent decision, but they’re trying to teach us what to think, instead of giving us the information, so we can come to the conclusions on our own. Most media, almost 100% of it, is just propaganda. There are very few good reporters, but there are reporters out there on any topic that you may be interested in, that you can find with enough time and effort.

What’s beautiful about Twitter, if somebody’s reporting something, especially with community notes and things, is that it gets fact checked in real time. I mean, we’ve seen Joe Biden get fact checked on his bullshit, and it’s beautiful to see. So, over time, if you’ve got a reporter that’s constantly reporting things that turn out to be false later, then you know not to really pay attention to that person anymore. You can unfollow them, or you can do what I do. I’ll continue to follow them, but I don’t really give much weight to what they’re saying, because they’re propagandists.

And then the people that are consistently right, after things happen, they get fact checked on it and they continue to be right, those are the people that you can trust what they’re saying and that they’re doing the right thing. So, as a self reliant human being – and that’s what I teach, I’m a life coach that teaches self reliance – we should be skeptical. You have to be able to get your news and your information, so you can make an intelligent and informed decision. So, it’s understandable, especially in the last few years, things have become extremely polarized, especially things around the lockdowns and the coronavirus shenanigans that went on.

She is heavily influenced by the news and follows the crowd.

Well, about 50-60% of the population has a herd mentality. They’ll just do what everybody else does, and they’ll go along with it. Malcolm Gladwell’s “The Tipping Point” is a great book to read to understand that – how things go viral and what the make-up of the general population is. And I think it was 50 to 60% that have a herd mentality. They just look and see what everybody else is doing, they play it safe, and that’s what they do.

So, you can see in this guy’s relationship where he’s going to have friction with his girlfriend. She tends to go along to get along with the crowd and he is more of the guy that is following his own path and he’s skeptical. And we should be skeptical, because the bottom line is, especially in these last few years, these reporters have just turned out to be totally full of shit.

I was strongly against getting the Covid injections, which caused me to tell her that I was going to break up with her if she got vaccinated, since it might affect my health. I know this sounds harsh, but I was at the time convinced that the vaccine was bad for your health, and I’m still convinced of this. She did it anyway, and I did not break up with her since I think she is a special woman. She told me this hurt her a lot and caused trauma. How can I heal traumas in my relationship?

Well, you obviously had a disagreement, and you chose to make a decision, based upon your health, that you didn’t want the clot shot. She followed the herd and got it. You know, there’s been plenty of stuff in the news about myocarditis and other downsides that have happened because of that. At least now, we can talk about it. Whereas just a year or so ago, if you even mentioned it, you’d get your video removed. If you were on Instagram or on Twitter, your comments would get removed, your posts get removed, your account would get nuked.

And then, back to the Elon Musk interview with the BBC guy, he was talking about, “What about you guys and all of the misinformation you put out about the vaccines, and masks, and the lockdowns, and all these other things?” The reporter didn’t like that. You really should check it out. It’s a great clip.

I love seeing people just roast the bullshitters, because that’s a problem with these reporters, they never get any pushback. There’s nobody there to ever question them on the BS that comes out of their mouths. They have absolutely zero accountability and zero self-awareness. This BBC reporter had zero self-awareness. It was amazing to see. It’s just glorious to watch.

Now I need a bit of guidance of how to get her back, while living with her until the 17th-19th of April. I have fixed a lot of things that caused the breakup. My ex-girlfriend tells me she has noticed this. But she stills says it’s too late because her emotions are gone.

That’s the only thing that really matters. Women don’t care about what a great guy you are or that you’ve changed, they only care about how they feel about you. The one thing that you have control over is your behavior and how you show up. And so, it is essential that you’re only displaying attractive masculine behavior when you’re around her.

Should I do option number 1 or 2;

1) Keep living with her to create the attraction again – with playful banter, having conversations with her where she does 80% of the talking, and taking her out on dates. You talk about how it’s good if you stay living with her in this in a video called, “Broken Up, But We Still Live Together.”

Absolutely. Because I also have situations like this where people come to me, and they’ve got kids. And it’s easy for some dunce that’s never had a long term relationship, never had a girlfriend, never been married, never lived with a woman or had kids to go, “Oh, just dump her, dude, and move on.” But in a situation where they’re living together, or they’re married, or they own a house together, maybe they own a business together, they’ve got several kids together, if the wife is the one wanting to leave and break up, and she tells you to go sleep in the guest bedroom, it’s like, no. A king does not leave his bed chambers. If his queen doesn’t want to be with him, she can go sleep in the guest room. If she doesn’t want to live together under the same roof, then she can leave and go stay with her mother, or a girlfriend, or whatever.

But you don’t leave, because you want to work things out. So, you’re like, “Babe, I love you. Our problems are things that are easily fixable if you’re willing to make the effort. I can’t force you to make the effort, because it takes two to tango, but I’m not leaving. If you want to leave, you’re going to have to explain to the children why you’re breaking up our family and why you are moving out.”

Because if the guy moves out, he looks like the guilty party. And at the end of the day, you’re the one saying you want to stay in your relationship. Therefore, you absolutely do not leave your castle. A king does not have a fight with his queen and then storm off and go live in a tent outside the castle. That’s not how it works in the real world. The man says, “We’re a family. I love you, and I want to stay together. If you don’t want to make the effort, then there’s the door, and you can leave. I would not want you to leave, but if you want to leave, that’s your choice.” So you absolutely stay living in your house.

2) Move out as fast as possible and apply the no contact rule, while also telling her that “I am only interested in having a romantic relationship. I am not interested in being friends,” and hope that she contacts me after 1-3 months. A lot of “getting your ex back” dating-coaches recommend this strategy.

Well, it sounds like whoever these dating coaches are, they’re a bunch of fucking amateurs, and they don’t know what they’re doing or what they’re talking about.

I have bought ebooks on this. However, I have a feeling that she will not reach out, since she has told me 2 times she is sticking to her decision.

Well, it’s just indicative of what her feelings are right now in the moment. And it will be more attractive to her if you stand up for yourself and your values. If you say you don’t want to break up, you absolutely do not leave the house that you live in together, because your actions show that you’re leaving. If you say you want to stay together and then you move out, well, obviously your actions show you’re okay and you’re accepting the breakup. But if you love her and you want to stay with her, you’re not going anywhere.

She can leave. She can also come back for a short period of time, unless you find somebody better. But, at the end of the day, if you want to work things out, you don’t leave. She can leave, but you don’t leave. And so, like I said, these dating coaches, a lot of people I see in the comments sometimes try to refer to me as a dating coach, but I’m a life coach. I teach self reliance. So, whoever you follow, if you’ve read their ebooks or whatever, they don’t know their asshole from a hole in the ground. They sound like a bunch of amateurs. And there’s a lot of them out there on the Internet, unfortunately.

She is receptive to hanging out, going to restaurants, and spending time together. However, she is repelled when I sometimes kiss her on her head and our feet are too close to each other when we lay on the couch.

Thank you!

Bob

Okay, you say you’ve read the book 3 or 4 times. Everything is in the book is designed to cause a woman to chase and pursue you. And so, what you’re trying to do is to create the conditions where she feels heard and understood. Because when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs close. And so, if you’re trying to touch her, and kiss her, and physically interact with her when she’s not open to it, of course you’re going to get rejected.

As the book says, you let women come to you. When a woman is feeling attracted to you, she’s going to play with her hair, she’s going to touch your your arm. She’s going to stand too close, she’s going to bump into you, she may physically start touching you. And when that happens, you put your arm around her, you slowly reciprocate, and you can pull her in.

If you want to kiss her but you’re unsure of whether or not she’s ready to be kissed, you do the kiss test, which obviously is in the book. It’s simple. You look into her eyes, and then down at her lips, and then her eyes, and then down at her lips, and then into her eyes, very slowly. And if she looks at your lips any time when you’re doing that – and this means that you’re kind of close to each other when you’re doing this – if she looks at your lips, then she’s thinking about kissing you as well. And then you go in and you kiss her. And you won’t get rejected when that happens.

There’s a time and a place for letting her come to you, so you have to pay attention to that. But for her to get warmed up to that, you’re working 60 hours a week, this is what I want you to do when you come home. Every day, from now on and forever, whether you get back together with her or not, it doesn’t matter. This is what you’re going to do with all women that you’re in a relationship with, when you come home: “Hey, babe. How was your day? Tell me about it,” and just listen. Get her to talk, get her to open up, “But what else? Tell me more.”

If she starts complaining about something you did, say, “What do you mean?” That’s one of the best questions you can ask a woman, “What do you mean? I don’t understand where you’re coming from.” What do you mean, tattoo it on your forehead If you have to. I wouldn’t literally tattoo it, but you know what I mean. You want to use that question to get her to talk and explain herself. Don’t get butt-hurt, don’t take shit personally. Because what will start to happen is, as she starts to open up, she’ll explain to you all the ways that you hurt her, and you upset her, and she felt wronged by you.

Like he talked about earlier, she felt traumatized about the fact that you guys had disagreements with the vaccines, and you threatened to end the relationship if she went and got it. But it sounds like she went and got it anyway, and yet you still stayed. So, you can’t say things like that to a woman and not be congruent. Because when you tell a woman one thing and you do the opposite, then she knows that you don’t mean what you say. And women have to trust your masculine core. If they don’t trust you, they can’t love you. Love cannot exist where there is no trust. So, don’t ever tell a woman something like that again and bluff in that way if you don’t really mean it.

So, that’s part of your problem. And that’s probably an issue that shows up in other areas of your relationship, where you tell her you’re going to do things, then you just simply don’t. So, how could she possibly trust your masculine core after nine years, when you’re constantly saying one thing and doing another? You just can’t do those things. The important thing is to say, “Hey, babe, tell me about your day.” And you get her to talk, you get her to open up, and after a half hour or 45 minutes, she gets closer to you, she starts playing with her hair. These are things you’re going to look for as she warms up to you and she feels attracted to you, because she feels like you are hearing her and understanding her.

And just like I talked about in the video, “How To Communicate With Women Effectively,” which you should watch probably 10 to 15 times. It’s like 10 or 12 minutes long, every 4 or 5 minutes when she’s just got done sharing a bunch of stuff with you, you say, “Okay, let me make sure I get this right. So when this happened and that happened, I did this, it made you feel this way. Okay. Well, I’m sorry if what I did made you feel this way” or “I’m sorry if what I said hurt your feelings or made you think that I didn’t care. That was not my intent. I’m sorry I hurt you in that way. I’m really sorry, babe. What else? What other things? What else is going on?” Ask her questions, get her to talk.

And plan dates. You could simply have a date in the evening. You should also be busy doing other things with other people. But when you do see her and when you are around her, you want to be 100% present. That means that you want to focus on getting her to talk and opening her up. Just simply making and having dinner together, where she’s doing 80 to 90% of the talking. And you can’t get butt-hurt, you can’t get perturbed, you cannot get angry at her, because if you do, you’re going to ruin any progress that you’ve made where she starts to feel attraction again.

Your job as a man in the courtship, in the relationship, is simply to create an opportunity for sex to happen – to hang out, to have fun, to hook up. You’ve been arguing with her, and men who understand women do not argue with them. When you’re constantly arguing with her, eventually she gives up. Nine years, she feels like she can’t get through to you. You don’t listen to her. She doesn’t feel heard and understood. So, obviously, she’s going to be shut down. She gave up, and her feelings are not going to be there.

And then, you blowing your top and getting angry all the time, and yelling at her, or cussing her out, or whatever you happen to do, you can never do that again, not even once. It’s not acceptable. You can’t do it. And besides, you’ve only got a week or so before she moves out. What you want to do is create the conditions where you can seduce her, and follow the process that’s in the book. Because when she’s playing with her hair, she’s touching your arm, and she’s standing too close to you – maybe you’re making dinner in the kitchen together, and she’s bumping into you – that’s when you start making out. Making out leads to heavy petting. Heavy petting leads to your hands wandering and sliding underneath her clothing and gently rubbing across her nipple.

And every once in a while, maybe your hand gently brushes the little man in the boat, her clitoris, if you will. Just gently graze the little man in the boat occasionally and slowly rub the inside of her thigh. Because women warm up to sex slowly. This is part of foreplay, taking your time and getting her turned on and wound up to the point where she wants sex more than you. She’s hornier than you are. You want to go slightly slower than she does. And it’s simple.

You create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun, to hook up. So every night when you come home, you have the potential opportunity to create sex between the two of you. But there’s a process. It’s hang out. Well, you’re hanging out because you live together. So, most importantly, when you’re hanging out, have fun. If you get her to laugh and joke around, and you get her to open up, she’s going to feel good feelings. And guess what? She’s going to feel good feelings about being with you.

And if you start seducing her, and having good sex, and giving her multiple orgasms, then 4 or 5 days, a week from now when she’s supposed to move out, say, “Babe, I think you just stay. You don’t really want to go. Obviously, if you’re upset, you can go. I’m not going to stop you. It’s going to break my heart that you leave, but I don’t want you to. Things have been great the last week. Let’s continue to build on that.”

“But I’ll understand if you want to go and do your own thing. Call me when you miss me terribly, and you miss my sexy body.” Again, you’ve got to have an easygoing, easy to get along with type of vibe. If you watch the movies like the ones with Daniel Craig playing James Bond, when women are like, “I’m not sleeping with you, I don’t want anything to do with you,” he just smirks at her, and smiles, and teases her back. And eventually, what happens? A few hours later, he’s having sex with her. That’s how it rolls. He’s never perturbed. He’s never upset. He always thinks from the end, like it’s going to be okay, all is well.

Remember, masculinity is calm. And if you’re calm, and especially when she tells you things that are painful and unpleasant to listen to, especially when maybe it’s things you did or said, or ways you hurt her, or maybe when you were acting like a jackass and a jack in the box, you can’t get upset. You’ve got to apologize for what you did wrong and how you hurt her, because women will forgive you if you’re able to communicate to them that you understand how you hurt them and why they felt the way they did. Because they want to feel heard and understood.

They want to feel and know that you understand how your actions and your words hurt her. Because a man who cares is going to do those things, just like her daddy would when she was a little girl. A man that doesn’t give a shit, who’s going to glaze over it and not care, she won’t feel heard and understood and she’ll leave him. It’s as simple as that. When she feels heard and understood the legs open. And so, despite the fact she says two times and she’s sticking to her decision to break it off, you can’t be perturbed one way or another. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. This is what Thich Nhat Hahn said.

And it’s true. And especially in this case. She can stay. She can go either way. You love her regardless. Either way, you’re going to be calm. You’re going to smile, you’re going to joke around. You’re going to treat her like a bratty little sister 10% of the time, and 90% of the time you’re going to be the charming James Bond that listens to her, that opens her up and makes her feel heard and understood, and addresses her concerns, and then follows through on the actions that he says he’s going to implement.

So, that is the best thing that you can do. Any jackass that’s telling you just to move out and go no contact for 2 to 3 months doesn’t know what the hell they’re talking about. If you say you want to stay together, you don’t move out of your house, because then you look like the guilty party. Especially if you’ve got kids, you want to keep your family together. And if she says she wants to break up, she’s got to be the one to leave. You stay, because you want to stay together. If she leaves, she can always she go and stay with her mother for a few days. She can start to miss you and the kids and then come back.

But either way, if she’s adamant about moving out, say you do have kids, then you’re going to tell her, “You’re going to explain to the children why you’re leaving, why you’re moving out, and why you want to break the family up.” That is a very emotionally painful thing for a woman to do. The thought of doing that is emotionally painful enough, often to where she’ll want to put it off. Because people, human beings in general, do more to avoid pain than they do to gain pleasure. And so, if what she’s going to do, breaking the family up, or the relationship, is very painful to think about, but it’s very easy and pleasant to talk to you, and it’s fun and it’s playful – no matter what it was like last week or the month before that led to this point – she’s going to move towards what feels good. So, you’ve got to create the conditions. You’ve got to create the masculine container where she feels safe enough to stay and to come back to you at her pace.

You’re not going to get butt-hurt. You’re not going to get angry. You’re not going to say, “are we getting back together?” You’re not even going to ask that. Your job is just simply to create the next opportunity for sex to happen – to hang out, to have fun while you’re hanging out, making her feel heard and understood, and then hook up once she does feel heard and understood, and the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, and ready to be kissed, and ready to be seduced. It’s a very simple.

The fact that you’re living with her, you’re in the best position that you can be to create the conditions where she starts to feel attraction again, especially if you start seducing her, and having good sex, and giving her a bunch of orgasms. In a week or so from now, when it comes time for her to move out, there’s a good chance she reconsiders. But even if she does leave, you’re going to be okay with that. It’s like, “Babe, call me when you miss me. I already miss you. But when you miss me terribly and you can’t stand to be away any longer, give me a call. I’d love to see you.”

You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. This is going to give you the best possible chance for success, because you are acting like a man is supposed to act. You are displaying the most attractive version of yourself. And you will do this with your girlfriend, or your wife, or your mother, or your sister, or the women in your life. This is how a man operates. And as Zan Perrion said, “A man who loves women is loved by women.”

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.