The importance of having a healthy balance in your life, lifestyle, work life, career, business, health and your relationships, and how imbalances in any area that is important to you will create unnecessary challenges, drama and chaos.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different female viewers. The first email is from a woman I’ve answered two previous emails for in video newsletters titled, “Women Love A Real Man” and “Dating: It’s All In The Numbers.” She is an entrepreneur at heart and has taken a BS job to help pay the bills, while she figures out her business model. She is living in an area she loves and that supports her love of the great outdoors, but she is really struggling to find like-minded people who share the same goals and values as she does. Many people in her life are critical of her beliefs and her choices, which often make her feel like she does not fit in or belong. The second email is from a woman who says she is an alpha female. She says she disagrees with most of what I teach men to do, because she likes to be pursued by a man, while ignoring the fact she tends to chase men she likes, even though this is the opposite of what she says and thinks she wants. Both women are struggling with finding a healthy balance in their lives, so they can create the life, lifestyle and relationships they really want and deserve. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the bodies of their emails:
First Viewer’s Email:
Hi Coach Corey,
Thank you so much for the work you do. I have been following you for a year now and am always sad on Sundays when there’s no coaching newsletter to watch. (I have about 2,000 videos and articles, so I’m sure there’s something on my YouTube channel you haven’t seen yet.) I really want to have a phone coaching session with you, but it costs a month’s wages. When I have the money, I will contact you to arrange one, but I’m donating some now to say thank you. (I appreciate your donation.)
Sometimes I feel I have perfect synchronicity with your videos – you’ll talk about the exact thing that’s happening to me that day. You’ve answered 2 of my emails before: “Women Love A Real Man,” and “Dating: It’s All In The Numbers,” but after a year of really focusing on my life and making the best of myself, I feel like it’s backfiring, and I’m having a lot of trouble at the moment. (As Tony Robbins says, “Problems are a sign of life.” The older you get and the more you have going on in your life, your challenges tend to get bigger and more complicated. Overcoming those challenges is just part of your journey.)
I quit my job and focused on building my own business 6 months ago. (If you’re an entrepreneur and you want to build a business, the best way is to keep a job where you can earn a living and pay your bills while you build your business on the side. As your business takes off, you can work less for other people and more for yourself.) The ideas flowed freely; I worked my ass off and got it together in 4 months, but ran out of money. (You didn’t have enough working capital.) I realized that all I wanted when the business was fairly successful was to move to the mountains, get a collie, do some track days on my bike and help people make the best of themselves, which is what the business was about. (That sounds like a noble goal. You just have to adapt to your goal.) I’m not really motivated by money and buying things, and I’ve always lived a simple life, no TV, just music, learning and interesting things, so I figured I could move to the mountains, be halfway to the lifestyle I want and use the money from my day job to build my business. (That’s a good, sound plan.) However, after moving back into the real world I’ve totally lost my way. (You’re running into an obstacle and things aren’t working out as you had hoped. That’s life, just get used to it. Life throws you curve balls. This is what makes you strong. This is a test to see how committed you are to your desired outcome.)
In my free time, I’m totally happy with my life and so grateful for what I have. My room is nice, I have an en suite, I can use the gym and pool as much as I want, the hours are great, I’m right in the middle of the English mountains, I have incredible rides out on my bike and go horse riding, shooting, paddle boarding and loads of other things in my free time. (You’ve got a great lifestyle. That’s so important because if you’re enjoying your lifestyle, you’ll be more attractive to members of the opposite sex.) I’ve worked really hard on myself to get in great shape, to be a warm, kind, generous person and to develop my understanding of people and people skills, so I can be a great friend, sister, daughter and girlfriend. (That’s a great outcome, and that’s what you should be focusing on.) However, because I’ve never met anyone, apart from you and your followers, who really want to have a great life, I’m constantly feeling disappointed and frustrated, because everybody reacts to me in a really peculiar way. (The reality is, most people you’re going to encounter in life are living at low levels of consciousness. The more successful you become, the more people are going to want things from you, and as what you’re doing grows, the more you will attract miserable, self-loathing assholes who will project their self-hatred onto you in an attempt to feel better about themselves.) Being around people is becoming really difficult, as I feel like I’m having to deal with their insecurities and a lot of criticism they’re throwing at me left, right and center, rather than enjoying some friendships. (Like Wayne Dyer said, “It’s never crowded along the extra mile.” The more you live at higher levels of consciousness, the more you’re going to run into these people. It’s important to create a life and lifestyle with the kind of people you enjoy, and just tune out the losers. By becoming a better version of yourself, you will unconsciously give everyone else permission to rise up to your level.)
Because I do weight training, run up mountains, have a superbike and can work an electric drill, the people I meet usually put me down or talk down to me like I’m a stupid little girl, try and make me jealous, or they fall in love with the way I look and contact me several times a day. I’ve been here 2 months, and I’ve blocked 8 guys’ numbers and have had 3 notes posted through my door from ‘shy guys.’ (That’s one of the reasons my book is called, “How To Be A 3% Man.” You’re dealing with the 97%. You can see how many wussies are out there.) I’ve never really had any girlfriends, as I’ve never met anyone with similar interests and values. (The older I get, the smaller my circle of authentic friends becomes. If you’re a high achiever, you’ll have to leave some people behind. You have to focus on taking care of you first.) At work, the managers are bullies, and everyone bitches about each other, the food, the weather, the pay and the customers, which is why I don’t really enjoy anyone’s company. (It sounds like you need to look for a better job with better quality people, instead of torturing yourself. Read my article and video, “How To Get Any Job You Want.” Take your time, and find a place where you can work for somebody whose consciousness is a little higher.) Nobody appreciates anything, but I’ve found people are the same wherever you go. Most people just don’t give a shit about being a good person or being truly happy, so I can’t keep leaving places to escape people. (Sometimes you have to create what you’re looking for. Find a better place to work with more like-minded people. The idea is to always be improving the quality of your life.) I want to live here. I love it, its beautiful. I just don’t know how to deal with the constant criticism, questioning and attitude of everyone. (You don’t have any control in what these people do and how they show up. The only choice you have is to decide what it means to you.) This has also made me lose a lot of motivation for my business and the hope that I can help people in some way, but I’m not giving up! I’m just stuck right now. (You have to persevere anyway.) I do everything on my own now, because I find it exhausting being with other people, but recently I’ve really become a recluse, avoiding people as much as I can, because I’m getting so tired or angry about people’s comments. (Find a way to enjoy your life even when you’re by yourself.) Even when I stop for petrol, there’s a comment about being a woman on a bike: “Don’t forget your kick stand darling.” “I know you idiot!” Or when I go out for dinner: “Alone??? Oh my god, what’s wrong with you?” — These kinds of comments. (In order to feel better about themselves, they are gently nudging you to be more like them. Misery loves company. However, you are making the conscious choice to let it bother you.)
Living this way isn’t possible much longer. I know I need to change something. I just don’t know what or how. Is this the price you pay for having the highest expectations for your own life? (This is part of becoming self-aware. The more successful you become, the more you can inspire other people to do the same thing. You are a leader, and this is part of your journey. Once you’re past these challenges, they will become your greatest strengths.) Or do you think I might have a serious attitude problem to sort out, because I wish other people would live their lives to the fullest, (You want reality to be different than it is. You have to accept the fact that most people are shitheads), so they are happy in themselves and stop being mean to other people or leave me alone to live mine? Can you give me a proverbial slap round the face or any advice? Thank you. (Let it go, and focus on making yourself happy. It definitely sounds like you need to change your job.)
Second Viewer’s Email:
I found your videos on YouTube a few days ago, and since then, I have watched a ton of your videos. I love your fun and realistic approach to relationships, you are cute and your videos are fun to watch. Here’s my situation…
I am a 31-year old, extremely attractive, single mother of two children. (I commend you on being a single mother.) I work in top-level management for a successful corporation, and I am one of two women in an all-male-run company. I consider myself an alpha female, as I like to be the one who “wears the pants” in a relationship. (It sounds like you’re more comfortable in your masculinity, but from already reading your email, it’s obvious you’re more of a feminine woman. It would really help you to read my book 10-15 times, so you can better understand yourself and to also figure out which guys get it and which ones don’t. If you’re trying to date alpha males and you’re trying to wear the pants, that is not going to work. You have to get comfortable with letting go and letting the guy have control. However, you should only relinquish that control if the guy shows he’s worthy.) I like to make the decisions, make the money, and call the shots. (Maybe you came from a family where your mom ran the show. You learned to be tough.) I like being chased and doted over. (That’s what society says. However, the guys only need to pursue the first two to three weeks. Feminine energy is all about opening up to receive love, bonding, connecting and relationship, and the more a woman feels attraction for a man, the more she will pursue.) I love lots of attention, and am not turned off by a lot of communication by a man, unless he is physically unattractive to me. (This is part of the story you tell yourself, that you like a guy who pursues you relentlessly. However, the guy you’re writing to me about doesn’t do that. Isn’t that interesting? What women say they want and what they emotionally respond to are two different things. My book will help you see and understand that.) My problem is that I am physically attracted to a very masculine man, i.e. tall, beard, etc., but those guys seem to be alpha males, and I butt heads with them, because they are just as stubborn as I am. (You’ve got to stop trying to be the man in your relationship, because it’s not going to work.)
I tend to disagree with a lot of the advice you give to the men out there, simply because it goes against how I would want to be courted by a man. (Just look at all of the positive responses and success stories on my YouTube channel. What I teach works. It’s how men and women are.) For example, if I ask a guy if he’s also seeing or sleeping with anyone else, I expect a straightforward, honest response. (That’s fine, however, you can’t go out on a first date with a guy and expect he is going to be exclusive with you.) I am very turned off if a guy tries to skirt or laugh off a question like that. It tells me that they have a problem with tactful assertiveness, and they don’t respect my sexual health. (Most single women tend to have two or three different men they are dating. All relationships start off as casual affairs. If you are going to share yourself with somebody, and you want to become exclusive with them, you can’t do it after one or two dates. You’re just going to scare the guy away.)
Recently, I’ve been dating a man that was very pursuant of me in the beginning when I was less interested. (You say you want a guy who does all of the pursuing, but here’s a guy who’s doing exactly what I teach.) But then, when I began to fall in love with him and how attentive he was, and I became more pursuant and affectionate of him in return, he pulled back a lot, and it has really hurt my attraction to him. (Check out my article and video, “Dating is Like Tennis.” If you hit the ball over the net, you have to wait for him to return the ball back over the net. If he backs off, then you should back off. The worst thing you can do is continue to try and force things.) I feel like he’s playing games, and I’m looking for authenticity. (Maybe you over-pursued him to the point where you came off as needy, desperate and controlling, and that turned him off. You fear losing him, and typically, what you fear you attract, and what you look at disappears. If you notice he’s slipping away, let him go. Do nothing, and wait to hear from him. When he hasn’t heard from you, he will respect you more and miss you. Always look at what the other person does, not what they say.)
What kind of advice can you give to a woman like me? (Read my book 10-15 times. It will really help you understand the give and take, so you can feel comfortable pursuing, but if you see the other person starting to take you for granted, then you just back off a little. The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. Scarcity creates value. When someone treats you like you have no value, become scarce.) I feel like there is no place for me in the world of love, unless I want to “settle.” (You definitely shouldn’t settle, but you need to balance out your feminine and masculine energies. When it comes to your personal life, you need to become okay with letting a guy take control and direction. You’re probably over-pursuing and coming off as needy and desperate, and it turns him off. He will value you less, as opposed to a true equal. If you’re an alpha, you want a true equal, not somebody who will take bullshit.) I don’t want an unattractive submissive, and I’m tired of all the hot alpha assholes. (It’s a feminine quality to pursue. You say you don’t want a guy who’s submissive. You like an alpha male, but that’s not the guy who you’re dating. What you say you want and what you emotionally respond to are two different things.) Please help!
PS. I have attached a photo of myself, in case my Alpha-Female story makes you doubt my attractiveness. (You’re definitely an attractive female, but you need to learn how to balance out your feminine energy with your masculine energy. With a little tweaking in your game by reading my book, it will fill in the blanks.)
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Most people do not feel comfortable enough in their own skin to stand up for themselves, what they want and how they want to be treated. When their beliefs and how they view themselves are in conflict with their goals, dreams and outcomes, this makes it impossible to create the life and lifestyle they really want. The story they tell themselves gets in the way and prevents them from taking the action they need to take, in order to move towards what they want and overcome the challenges and obstacles that are always a part of everyone’s journey to achieving their grandest goals and dreams. Since we tend to do more to avoid pain and discomfort than we will do to gain pleasure and success, we must always be aware of our self-talk and limiting beliefs, so we can take action that will move us towards our outcomes and goals. Otherwise, we will make excuses and take actions that only move us away from our dream lives and lifestyles.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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