She Calls & Texts After Dumping Me, But Doesn’t Ask To See Me. Why?

Why a woman will continue contacting you but doesn’t ask to see you.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who was dating a co-worker. They had a trip planned together which she canceled. He stopped moving forward and withdrew his attention. However, she’s continued texting and initiating conversations at work, but never brings up getting together or seeing him.

He wonders what it means and why she keeps doing this. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer that I did a previous newsletter for a few months back. So he was dating this girl. I think she’s a co-worker, if I’m not mistaken, and things seem to be going along good. They had a trip planned. Then right before the trip, she canceled, and that’s when he kind of realized that something was up. So she canceled the trip, didn’t offer a reschedule or anything else. She just canceled it. So he withdrew his attention because obviously, if you got a date set up and a girl cancels, she doesn’t offer a reschedule, her response is real dry, “Oh, don’t hate me, but I can’t make it.”

The late, great Doc Love, his attitude towards that was “One chance per girl per lifetime.” If a woman cancels a date on you at the last minute, stands you up or whatever and never offers a reschedule, she doesn’t respect you and you don’t give her another chance. I’m a little more easygoing because I understand guys want to get the girl no matter what, and at least that way they can always walk away later once they’ve had her, versus not knowing what it was like to date or be with her, or in some cases, get back together with her if they screwed it up. So typically, if this happens, if a girl cancels a date, doesn’t offer reschedule, then you’re just never going to bring up seeing her or getting together again unless she brings it up first. So for the past two months, ever since this girl canceled the trip, she was very distant at first, but he stopped all contact initiation because it’s probably pretty clear he was over-pursuing, and he was doing a lot of unattractive things that turned her off that led to her blowing him off for the trip.

So she’s doing 100% of the reaching out. They still work together. I guess she’s getting ready to leave and go take another job, but she still hasn’t mentioned getting together. However, he’s noticed as the weeks have gone by, she tends to reach out a little bit more, she shows a little more enthusiasm, and now she’s starting to compliment and joke around on things like, I guess, he’s got a sleeve tattoo. So when he would wear short sleeve shirts when they first started dating, she really liked it. She thought it was sexy. So she hasn’t brought that up in a long time, and recently in a conversation she was talking about, she made the joke about the sleeves.

So those are the kinds of things, because a woman’s interest tends to go up and then a guy starts screwing up, and then it just starts going down to the point where if he doesn’t turn it around, then he gets dumped, blown off, or friend-zoned. So when you stop moving forward and you don’t try to get together, you’re nice, you’re polite. What I tell guys to do in that case, if they’re following 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, is how would you act towards her if you had ended and you didn’t really want to see her anymore, and you didn’t want to give her any idea that you were still potentially interested? You’d be nice. You’d be polite. If you see her at work or out, you’ll smile and you’ll wave and then you’ll go about your business. You’re not going to go up to her, out of your way, to talk to her. If there’s interest, eventually she’ll bring up getting together or she’ll just stop contacting you.

So in this case, two months have gone by. It looks like her interest is starting to creep back up, but he’s wondering, like, “Why the hell hasn’t she brought up getting together or seeing me?” Usually that means it’s because she’s seeing another guy, and what’s really going on is you’re her backup plan in case it doesn’t work out with the other guy. More than likely, that’s what happened. They had their trip set and then she canceled it, probably because she was talking to somebody else who was, quite frankly, acting more masculine and had tighter game than he did. He was acting more attractive as this guy was acting unattractive, and because women care about how they feel about you above all else, her feelings are stronger for the other guy. However, she’s not 100% certain that it’s going to work out with the other guy. So what they’ll do is they’ll call, they’ll reach out, and even when you try to bring up getting together, they’ll tell you how busy they are or whatever, but obviously in this case, because she disrespected him and his time and blew him off, the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours.

So when a woman’s got two guys like this or three or who knows? Because I think they were just kind of casually dating and seeing each other when this happened. I don’t think they were boyfriend/girlfriend, I can’t remember, but at the end of the day, if there’s multiple guys in the picture, what she’s going to do is she’s going to test all of them to see whoever the strongest and most masculine one is. Women like a guy they have to work hard for. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. So if she spent a lot of time with a guy and you’re the ex or you’re the guy she was dating first, but because you turned her off with too much unattractive behavior, you stop moving forward completely and you basically act as if somebody else has your attention. That’s what he’s doing. He’s polite, he sends a few messages back and forth, and he’s like, “Hey, I gotta run,” but she’s still not bringing up getting together. However, she is becoming a little bit more, I wouldn’t say aggressive, but she’s starting to do the things she was doing before when she was highly attracted. So that tells me her attraction is going back up, but then you wonder like, well two months of this, like why isn’t she asked him out or mentioned getting together? I would say it’s because the other guy and as her interest in him goes up, it’s probably dropping in the other dude because he’s probably not doing everything 100% right either. At the end of the day, he’s with somebody else.

So as the book says, you’re going to kind of match and mirror her level of effort, but you’re really doing her a favor because she screwed it up. She canceled the date on you, which is like the cardinal sin. So this guy’s open to giving her another chance, but obviously she’s got to bring up getting together because it has to be her idea, because it was not her idea. Like, if he was to start asking her out, she’d probably tell him how busy she was, or she might make a date and then cancel again because it’s his idea, because she disrespected him before, yet he’s still pursuing. A man who values himself and loves himself when he gets disrespected like that, has a trip all planned, I don’t know if there was an Airbnb scheduled or whatever, especially if you got money that you wasted or you had to pay a cancellation fee, she costs you money and you’re like, “I’m not going to give this girl the chance to waste my time again. However, I’m open to her coming over, hanging out, having fun, and hooking up,” like 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says.

So in this case, say she does bring up getting together. He’s not going to take her out. He’s not going to meet her out. He’s not going to go to coffee. He’s not going to do a group date. He’s not going to meet her for lunch. The only thing he’s been willing to do is to invite her over to make dinner at his place, and if she’s just trying to keep you stuck in friend-zone, she’ll balk at the idea of coming over and try to get you to go to lunch or something else, because what she’s really doing is trying to keep you on the hook and interested, while she buys her time to figure out what’s going to happen with the other dude or not. In other words, she doesn’t want to completely blow this guy off because she’s not 100% certain about the other dude. So you don’t want to fall into that trap. You don’t want to sit around and wait on this girl. You understand the situation, and you’re looking to hang out with somebody who’s single and ready to mingle.

So with that in mind, let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

Thanks for answering my question a couple months ago in your video about When To Remove Your Attention If She Backs Away. Since then, I’ve been applying what you teach in 3% Man. After a woman I was dating canceled a trip we had planned about two months ago, I stopped initiating completely and have not reached out once.

Yeah, because she screwed it up. She’s got to fix it. That’s why she’s got to do 100% of the reaching out. In this case, because she canceled a date like that or a trip, you’re not even going to bring up getting together, even if she reaches out.

We work together, but she’s finally leaving the job, so I’ll soon find out whether she wants to stay connected outside of work.

After the trip was canceled, I stopped initiating and stopped pursuing. In the last two months, I have not initiated a single conversation. Every conversation we’ve had has been because she reached out first.

That’s the way it should be, because again, you removed your attention because she took you for granted and she took your time for granted. Again, Doc Love’s attitude would have been like, “Flush the number and don’t give her any attention. Just move on,” because she disrespected you.

Over the last couple of months, she’s actually started reaching out more. She initiates conversations, shares a lot about her life, and seems to save things up to tell me.

It’s also possible you’re part of her Frankenstein boyfriend project, especially if she’s coming up to you at work and telling you what’s going on and trying to bond and connect and tell you what’s going on in her life. Probably because Chad Thundercock, who she’s hooking up with, doesn’t really give a shit. He just wants to beat up her pelvis and then he leaves.

So women, again, girls who come from broken homes, that’s what they’ll typically do. They’ll have the guy they’re sleeping with. They’ll have the guy that takes her to lunch and dinner and buys her things. They’ll have another guy that’s like the emotional tampon. The guy she calls whenever she has problems or needs to vent or whatever, and he’s all too happy to listen to her. She’s got three or four guys that kind of make up her Frankenstein boyfriend project. So there’s potentially that going on here.

That’s why you give her limited attention because she’s not asking to see you and you’re interested in sex and romance. You’re not interested in being her gay male girlfriend or her emotional tampon or her friend. Therefore, you don’t act or interact with her in platonic ways. If she tries to get you to do that, as 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says, you’ll send maybe three or four text replies back and forth. If she calls you on the phone, you talk for maybe three or four minutes, “Hey, it was great hearing from you. I gotta run. I’ll talk to you later.” If she’s texting you, just, “Hey, I gotta run. I’ll talk to you later. Hey, can’t talk right now. I’ll talk to you later,” and then you just leave the conversation.

Recently she’s told me about moving, apartment hunting, a new job, going to Florida for three weeks, quitting weed for a job opportunity…

Sounds like she’s got a drug test she needs to pass. Just remember, if you’re gonna do that, weed’s out your system in like, 30 days, but some companies will want to cut like, hairs off your arms and stuff because that takes longer. That takes like six months or more. So there’s that.

So if you’re just peeing in a cup 30 days and you’re usually good, those other drinks and stuff like that, those usually don’t work. Not that I’ve ever had that issue, but I know guys that have tried those things and it didn’t work and they failed their drug test. So there’s that. There’s a little tidbit of info. No extra charge for that.

…Family issues, and other personal things going on in her life.

I’ve been keeping my responses short and not trying to carry conversations. Usually I’ll respond a couple of times and then end the conversation. Recently she jokingly called me “Mr. Busy…”

So that tells me she wants to talk to him more, but he’s not doing that. He’s not giving her more time and attention and she’s noticing that. The reality is, that’s what stimulates her emotions and her feelings because this is how you treat somebody. I mean, think about it. If you’re tired of fucking her, you’re nice, you’re polite, you’re not going to be a dick to her. Plus, you work with her. You’re not going to try to make her cry or anything. You’re just going to be busy. Therefore, in other words, if she wants to continue talking to you, she has to work for it. You’re becoming a challenge by being that way. Then it makes her wonder, “Is it me? Did he meet somebody else? He’s dating somebody else. Does he no longer care about me?” That’s what causes her to work harder, and when you do that, you stop moving forward. You don’t bring up getting together. You’re polite, but you don’t stick around very long chit-chatting with her.

One of two things will happen: She’ll either you realize that you’re not into it and you’re not going to give her attention and validation if that’s all she’s trying to use you for, and if she really doesn’t care, and her emotions and feelings are gone, she’ll disappear forever, but if there’s still interest, especially if she’s trying to keep you as a backup plan, she starts working harder. Girls like guys that are hard to figure out. So as she tests the other guys she’s talking to, she starts warming up to you and giving, making more of an effort, but at the end of the day, she still hasn’t brought up getting together, that would tell me that whatever is going on with the other guy, it’s not completely resolved, but she’s doubtful it’s going to work out long-term. That’s why she’s constantly dangling the carrot to this guy to keep him on the hook, keep him interested because she doesn’t want to have no options.

…Which makes me think she’s noticed that I’m not as available as I used to be.

Well, that’s the whole point of doing this. Quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours because her attitude is like, “Yeah, I don’t want to take this trip,” and she canceled it. So he’s like, “Well, I’m not going to waste my time.” Then she wants more attention and validation. “I’m not interested in being an emotional tampon or a gay male girlfriend, or giving a girl free attention and validation if she’s not like, ‘Hell yeah, I want to see you!’ I’m going to spend my time with somebody else.” Pretty simple.

I’ve also noticed some signs that seem more playful than before. Recently she randomly texted: “There’s no sleeves allowed showing in the workplace.” This seemed completely out of context. When we were dating she used to always joke that I wasn’t allowed to wear short sleeves because my tattoos were sexy and distracting.

So what does that tell us? Because the guys will look at that and go, or she says, “I love you,” but it was six months ago and she hasn’t said it since, well that means six months ago she loved you, but now she doesn’t. So you have to look at what she’s doing in the moment. So clearly she stopped talking about his sleeve tattoos and how sexy they were, but she stopped doing that because her interest was low, and now that her interest is creeping back up, she’s starting to find them sexy again, and that’s what she’s doing.

So this is the kind of thing we look for. It’s like giving us evidence that her interest is starting to creep back up, and she may become more bolder and she may bring up getting together. If that happens, then you’re going to invite her over to make dinner at your place, because you’re only going to hang out, have fun, and hook up for at least three dates in a row. As long as you hook up all three times, you can meet her out, pick her up, and go on normal dates. The important thing is she’s got to do 100% of the reaching out going forward because she has to earn another chance with you, not the other way around.

This was the first time in a long while that she referenced anything like that.

The confusing part is that despite reaching out more, sharing her life, and occasionally being playful, she still never brings up getting together.

Well, because she’s not there yet. The important thing to take away, and this is the other part of the problem, is that you’re bothered by this. You’re perturbed by it. This is part of your problem. Probably why you turned her off in the first place, because when she didn’t do what you expect, you got upset and you presupposed it wasn’t going to work out. So you typically make up for that by the illusion of action, meaning you call more, you text more, you pursue more, and you basically act too much like a woman to the point where it ruins the sexual polarity and it turns her off. This is the confusing part of this is despite reaching out more, sharing her life, and occasionally being playful, she still never brings up getting together.

We work together, but she’s leaving the job soon.

She seems interested in maintaining contact and talking to me, but she doesn’t seem motivated to actually see me outside of work.

Yeah, because that means that she’s fucking somebody else still.

My question is: Why would a woman continue reaching out and investing in conversations for months if she doesn’t seem interested in seeing me?

Well, it’s because her interest isn’t high enough. The important thing to notice is now she’s basically hinting that she finds your tattoos sexy once again. Whereas before she didn’t give a shit. She didn’t give a shit. She doesn’t bring it up, but now she’s bringing it up again. So you see, it took two months for her to get to this point, but like I said, it’s probably because the other guy she’s sleeping with is screwing up and her interest in him is dropping, while you not doing anything and your inaction is actually attractive to her, so it’s creeping back up. That’s why it’s important to maintain your composure, not get upset, not get mad, not get frustrated that it’s moving so slow.

These are the kinds of things that whether you see her again or not, or you get back together again or not, it shouldn’t matter. You’re trying to grow your emotional self-control so this shit doesn’t bother you because it will help you going forward, especially with future women that you’re dating. Especially if you’ve had the tendency to over-pursue, over-invest, over validate your feelings and interest in her to the point where she took it for granted. So every man needs to learn self-control and not be bothered by what a woman does or doesn’t do that you expect.

Should I continue doing nothing and wait for her to bring up getting together?

Yes.

Or at some point should I tell her I’m not interested in a texting-only friendship?

Thanks Coach,

Bob

Well, you don’t need to tell her that. I mean, from your actions, if you notice you’re not doing anything, you’re just politely responding, but unless you see, “Hey, I miss you. I want to see you. I want to catch up. We should get together for a drink,” then it doesn’t matter. You have to understand that she’s viewing you as a backup. She’s trying to get your attention, and quite frankly, it’s starting to work. She’s starting to like you more. She’s starting to reach out more. She’s complementary now. She’s talking about things once again that she found sexy.

So this is why you do this, because she has to earn another chance with you, and the more the other guy screws up, the quicker and the more interested in you she will become. The reality is, you should be dating other women anyways and practicing with is in the book. If you’re just sitting around waiting for her and you’re not dating or talking to other girls, you’re not getting better. So if you do start seeing her again, you’re still the same guy. You haven’t improved.

So you need successful repetitions with other women because quite frankly, there’s nothing going on between you and her. She’s just stirring the pot and making sure you’re still potentially interested, but it’s clear, based upon the fact she hasn’t brought up getting together, that the situation with whoever else she’s actually sleeping with at this point, it’s not resolved, but it doesn’t look good. So keep doing what you’re doing, but you need to really be dating other women because quite frankly, there’s probably a better girl out there for you anyway.

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