When To Show Interest & When To Back Off So She Chases You

How to get women to chase you by showing the right amount of interest.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who asks for help determining what he did right and wrong with a co-worker he was dating who keeps dodging his date requests. She just got separated from her husband a month ago. They only had sex once and then she cut him off with a logical sounding, but BS excuse.

He wonders if she’s just using him for attention and validation and sleeping with another guy. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who asked for my help in determining what he did right and wrong with his co-worker. I guess he’s known her for quite a few years, and she just got separated from her husband like a month ago. So there’s that little wrinkle. They work together, he’s known her for several years, and they went on a bunch of dates, but you could tell he likes her way more than she likes him. Looks like he’s over-communicating his interest, he’s pursuing too much, and he doesn’t really see it, but as I go through the email, you just listen to the self-talk and the way he views himself, and you could tell he’s getting upset, he’s getting bothered, and it looks like he’s trying, he’s mostly the one doing the pursuing.

It may not have been that way in the beginning, because it seems like she was really eager in the beginning. Then after they hooked up that one time, then she’s like, “Well, I don’t want to have sex until I get to know you better.” Which basically, more than likely, he just over-communicated his interest and he came off as one of those guys that’s just not going to be able to handle dating her because he likes her so much and he just is going to come apart. So she doesn’t want a needy, clingy guy, and she certainly doesn’t want a dude who’s going to turn into a stalker. So it’s a good email to learn from because it’s hard when you’re dating somebody you really like, and when you’re dating somebody that’s in a rebound like this, you got to let them come to you. If they feel any kind of pressure that you’re trying to advance things to a relationship, I don’t know how long she was married, but it seems like several years and she’s only been out of it a month.

So you have to expect, as the book says, a lot of hot and cold behavior. So when you get the cold behavior, you just let her be. You give her the gift of missing you. If she, all of a sudden, is not available, or she’s not super excited to get together with you, then just you withdraw the offer, or you tell her to get in touch when she figures out her schedule or when things get freed up. Then you just got to let her be. I know it’s hard because, especially for the average guy, when he’s dating a girl that, in his mind, she’s the hottest girl ever, his 10 or his vision of a 10, it’s a lot harder. You got to deal with all your insecurities, your fears, your doubts. So it’s like the silence when you’re not hearing from the girl, that’s what gets hard. “Is she going to call back yet? Why does she leave me hanging in the middle of that conversation?” And you just can’t get bothered and upset. It looks like, based on her actions that he’s just communicated, he can’t really handle it. So she’s trying to keep him at arm’s length, but she doesn’t want to blow it up completely.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

Can you tell me what I did right and what I did wrong or her being on the rebound the problem?

Well, it’s definitely going to be a factor. Again, like I said in the book teaches, if you’re dating somebody in the rebound like this right out of a relationship, you just got to let them be. If there’s like slight hesitation in getting back to you, they need freedom more than anything. Loving in such a way that the person you love feels free is the best thing for this. So you don’t want to pressure a girl, and you don’t want to get butt-hurt or perturbed. If she’s unavailable in your timeline, you got to have the attitude of, “Hey, cool. No problem. Figure it out. Get back to me,” and you got to let her be. Especially in this case, he’s known her for years, so when she starts spending time with him and hooking up with him, she sees a different side of him, and it doesn’t look like he can handle it.

There was this girl at work who I have known for a long time. We went on eight dates total over five weeks.

So that’s quite a bit of dates, but if you’re in week five or six and you’re following what’s in the book, she should be getting a little bit more into you and serious, but that’s got to be her idea. The problem is with most guys, they get hooked, they start to over-pursue, and women naturally back off after a few weeks, and once the guy is hooked emotionally and then she backs off, they start to make up for it because they want that closest, they want the enthusiasm. So they try to force themselves on her. They call them or they text her more. They try to get together more because they’re afraid if they don’t do it, that they’ll never see her again. Women love confidence. When you communicate that, deep down, you don’t think you’re worthy, they’re going to treat you like you’re not worthy and you don’t deserve to be with them. Then they’re going to push you away. So it’s how you respond. Giving her space and letting her be. Then she comes back more excited.

You got to understand, women are like cats, especially women on the rebound. They’re going to be skittish and gun shy, and they’re going to probably take off after only a few weeks of hooking up and kind of disappear for a few days or a week or so. It’s just totally normal. Again, she’s in the middle of a divorce, and more than likely, because 70%, 75% of the time, women are doing the filing for divorce. The guy probably got dumped, didn’t see it coming, and he wants to stay together, and if she’s got kids with them, there’s that emotional anchor as well. So he has the ex that has more leverage than you do. Even though you guys have known each other, she was with him in an intimate relationship. She’s married to him.

When we got together, she had been separated from her husband for about a month. I know she was a rebound. She gave off indicators of high interest.

Well, usually they’re excited to be moving on with their life, and if you’re the first dude they’ve lined up, you got to play your cards right.

On the second date, we hooked up. Then she went cold for one week and she came back pursuing me.

So that’s totally normal. You hook up, and especially if you’re the first guy she hooked up with since she separated, that is totally to be expected.

So I made a third date and she told me that she did not want to have sex until she got to know me better. As a 3% Man, I thought, “Yeah should be naked later.”

You know, that’s when you can kind of have fun. I would be like, “Well, what was the other night? So yeah, we had sex the other night, but now you somehow don’t know me as well as you did.” Then it’s like, “How’s that work? Well, I’m interested in romance. I’m not interested in hanging out with you and being your pal. So I’m not interested in just being friends. We could be friends with benefits, but I’m not interested in no sex at all. As long as you were just open to whatever happens, great, but if you’re telling me no sex for a certain period of time, then I’m going to pass.”

Turns out later it was all manipulation and control tactic.

Well, it seems like it worked.

She still showed high interest the whole time. There was also times that she was difficult with her test, but I stayed playful. On our dates, I would drive to her house and pick her up. I noticed that she never invited me in.

Well dude, she’s in the middle of a divorce. I assume that’s where she lives with her husband or did.

On each of our dates we would make out heavy and have heavy petting. There was times where I thought maybe I am being used for validation, but her interest seem genuine. On our seventh date, she gave an excuse and told me, “Before you think of anything crazy, I am on my period.”

So just the fact that she’s talking that way, that tells me that she knows she has all the leverage with you, that you’re more way more into her than she’s into you. So that I can read that just from her responses here, but you didn’t realize that. So that tells me when she pulled back, you didn’t pull back. You probably put the accelerator down and move forward more. So if a woman backs off, you back off. Especially if she starts talking about not having sex, you got to push back on that. You got to say, “Well, I’m not interested in just being friends and hanging out as buddies and pals. I’m down to continue hanging out, and sex will happen when it happens, but if you’re telling me we’re not gonna have sex for some indefinite period of time and you just want to be friends, and I’m not interested. We can be friends with benefits. I’m cool with that. I mean, you’re in the middle of a divorce.” As a side note, you’re doing her a favor. She’s in the middle of a divorce and she also has kids. It’s like most guys aren’t going to want get involved with that. They’re going to want to hit it and quit it. So she’s not really a great candidate for a girlfriend or to date anyways, because she can always go back to the husband.

So you got to remember you’re doing her a favor by dating her because she’s got a messy personal situation. Now, if you’re looking for somebody that to have a long-term relationship with, she’s not a great candidate. So you got to treat her just like hanging out, having fun, and hooking up. Fuck buddy, friends with benefits, sex playmate. Especially if she starts a few months into it trying to get you to be exclusive, you’re gonna say, “Well, you still living at the house that you own with your husband. How’s that going to look? ‘Oh, it’s my girlfriend. She’s somebody else’s wife.'” It’s like, come on. “Maybe if you had your own place and a divorce had been filed and you’re only months away from having it complete, but there’s always a chance that you go back to him. So until I see that your life matches a woman who is single and ready to mingle, then I just want to keep things casual.” That way, then she can work to finalize or resolve any outstanding issues with her divorce. So that actually makes you a challenge because then she’s got to work to lock you down because no normal guy is gonna say, “Yeah, I’m dating this girl. She’s married for 10 years and she’s been single for four weeks and she still lives in the house that she owns with her husband.” So I would assume that’s why she doesn’t want him coming in.

Also in these cases, you got to keep in mind what she really wants is no strings attached sex, no drama, no pressure. So you don’t have to always go out on an official date or go pick her up and do all those things. If you guys are already hooking up and she’s texting you, especially if it’s like 8:00, 9:00 at night and she’s like, “What are you doing?” Just say, “Come over,” and she can come over. You can hang out, have fun, and hook up, but it definitely looks like you just communicated that you couldn’t handle it. You couldn’t keep your composure.

That night we had a heavy make-out session and I stripped her down, but she would not go any further. The next day was our eighth date…

Why are you going out on a date the next day? Why are you having multiple dates? Unless she asked for the date the very next day, why do you have two dates in a row? Again, that just looks like you’re kind of screwing up. Looks like you just got overly eager and you’re trying to rush things. You’re trying to probably trying to spend more time with her, thinking that’ll make her want to have sex with you. It’s really, in this case, you’re inaction. If she’s doing and saying something, if you’re interested in sex and romance and she’s telling you no sex, well I might wait an extra week, week-and-a-half before I even try to reach out to her after she says something like that, because I want her to miss me a little bit more. Quite frankly, again, look at the messy situation. Why would I want to get involved with a woman who’s only a few weeks away, or a few weeks after she left her husband and she still lives in their house and he’s probably still wants her back? Like, why would I get involved with that? I’m doing her a favor. A

So she’s talking this flaky stuff about not having sex anymore. Usually that means that she’s having sex with somebody else. So it also could mean she’s having sex with her husband again. So she goes out with you and only allows kissy-poo because technically, that’s not cheating. So there could also be that. Or there might be somebody else. Maybe she’s fucking the second guy, but kisses you enough to dangle the carrot and keep you interested as a backup plan because the other guy is acting more masculine. Again, it could be another dude, or it could be the husband. So when you see that, again, you should just stop moving forward. Don’t call, don’t text, don’t reach out, don’t do anything. Take your time to reply if she does reach out to you. If you are going to set a date, put it in the future. Unless of course, she’s texting you at night.

At the end of the day, if you’re getting women completely naked in bed, you should have been focusing on making her cum, should have been focusing on her enjoying it, because usually you get a woman naked in your bed and then she doesn’t have sex, that just tells me you didn’t get her turned on enough because she’s open to being fucked. She’s literally naked in your bed. So she’s really worried about the period, she’s not gonna be completely naked in your bed, because again, you got your hands. If you know you don’t want to, I personally don’t go down on my girl when she’s on her period, but if that’s your thing, whatever, you do you, boo boo. I know some of you guys like to tickle the starfish and the whole nine yards, but whatever floats your boat, I don’t judge. I’m just saying you get a woman completely naked, even if she is on her period, you guys should be pleasuring each other and making sure.

I mean, think about it from this perspective: It’s like you get naked because you want to make each other feel good. So think about the best massage you ever got. If you went to a massage therapist or whatever, you close your eyes, what are you focused on? The sensations are so amazing. You just lose yourself in your head and your body getting worked over by the massage therapist. So if you’re naked with a girl, you got to be thinking about, how does your body feel when you’re touching her and you’re caressing her? Because at the end of the day, if you understand women, you get her naked like that and you’ve already had sex with her, she’s open to having sex with you, but you just didn’t get her completely turned on enough to the point where she couldn’t take it and she’s like, “Alright, strap your condom on and get inside me.”

So I did a video on that about a month, and sometime in the last month, I really went into extensive detail. So you might want to check that video out. I can’t remember if it was a free video or Members Only, but again, when you get a girl completely naked in your bed, then she won’t have sex, that just tells me you didn’t get her turned on enough. You didn’t focus on making her cum and orgasm and making her body feel amazing, so she just submitted like jell-o and let you have your way with her.

…And I noticed that her attraction had dropped because she was on her phone during the date.

That’s when you go, “Hey, we’re on a date, put your phone down. Pay attention to me. Got to be present. If you don’t really want to be here, you got something you gotta do or deal with, I can take you home.”

I also noticed that her text replies had gotten a little slower.

Yeah, but you didn’t slow down.

Anyways, wow! On our eighth date she mentioned that she wanted to do something on Friday if she did not have to babysit, which was the next day. I told her to let me know.

So this sounds like you probably are new here, so you got to read the book, bro, because it doesn’t look like you have any game and you’re absolutely, completely getting bamboozled. So what you accepted there was a “maybe” date. Again, that’s why you probably haven’t even read the book. Maybe you’re cherry-picking videos, but that’s not going to work for you because you’re doing lots of things that make you look unattractive and like your time is not very valuable. So if you’re hanging out and you’re not getting laid, then she mentions doing something tomorrow, if she didn’t have time to babysit, well just say, “Well, I’m happy to get together, but you gotta make definite plans. I’m not gonna leave my Friday night open for a “maybe.” I got tentative plans anyways with somebody else. So when you get freed up, you let me know.”

It’s OK to put a woman off in the future and make her wait to see you, but this is the problem. He can feel her slipping away, so the illusion of action kicked in and he’s calling, he’s texting more, and he’s trying to twist her arm to get together with him more because he can feel her slipping away. The bottom line is, dates aren’t really going anywhere. He gets a little kissy-poo, but other than that, he walks away with a bad case of blue balls, which is no bueno.

Friday evening rolled around and she told me that she was staying home and the kids are supposed to be over later.

OK, so she does have kids with. I assume that means the ex. So there’s that. Again, most guys aren’t going to want to fuck with that. So you’re doing her a favor. The problem is you’re just coming off as needy and desperate. You’re over-pursuing. You’re ignoring the fact that she’s not making it easy. She doesn’t have a, “Hell yeah, I’d love to see you “attitude. Yet you’re still calling, you’re still texting, you’re still trying to get her out on dates. You can’t ignore that. As a man, you got to match and mirror her interest.

If her interest is like she won’t make time for you, then the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention, like the book says, is to remove yours. I just stop calling, stop texting. If the last couple dates you’ve gone out with and all you got was blue balls and she’s texting you, I wouldn’t even bring up getting together unless she brings up wanting to see you. Even then I would just say, “Well, I’m just jammed up this week, but you know, we can get together next week,” because if you had other choices and other options, you’re going to spend your time with a girl who’s excited to see you, but you left your Friday open and she just blows you off. So another reason why I can tell he’s a little too obsessed with this girl. Look what he does next. So does he just leave it at that?

That night I was out and about riding around and I happen to drive by her house and I noticed her car was gone.

Big shock! He just happened to be driving around. In other words, he’s stewing over this and he’s like, “I think she’s bullshitting me.” So he drives by and she’s not even there. So she lied to him. So again, if you don’t value your time, then nobody else will either. Especially a woman who’s on a rebound.

I knew then that she was out with another dude.

Monday came and back at work. She asked me what am I doing tonight? I took it as an invitation that she wanted me to ask her out, so I did.

So something like that, again in that case, if I’m driving by her house and I see that and she’s like, “What are you doing tonight?” I would be like, “I got plans. What are you up to?” And she’s like, “What are you doing?” I would be like, “I’m going to dinner with a friend. What are you doing? She’s like, “Oh, I’m not doing nothing.” I would be like, “Oh, well that’s too bad,” because in that case, you should be going, “She’s not excited to see me. She lied to me, had me hold my Friday night open and then blew me off and clearly went and did something else.”

So she wasn’t home. She wasn’t staying there for the night. She lied. So that’s not something you reward with more of your attention. You look at that and go, “She’s just sowing her oats. She’s probably just fucking the husband or fucking some other dude.” She ain’t fucking you anymore. That’s why she cut you off from the pussy. So she’s giving up to somebody else. So you’re her backup plan at this point. That looks pretty obvious.

She said, “Oh I was just asking in general.” So I told her, “Well, maybe another time.” I could see that her attraction was gone and she just wanted the attention.

Yeah, she just wanted to make sure you’re still into her because you’re her backup plan. So she’s fucking Chad Thundercock, and you’re in time out because you dried her up.

So on Tuesday, I decided to remove my attention from her and not go around her or contact her.

Well, if you’re going to do that, just you got to be busy at work doing other things and you’re not really focusing on her because you look at that and you go, “Why should I give her attention? She lied to me. She blew me off. She fished to see what I was doing. I tried to make a date and she blew me off.”

So again, all you did was give her validation and attention that you’re still into it, and that gave her the green light to continue doing what she’s doing. So the right move was to stop moving forward, but you came off as a cold fish and you probably communicated you were butt-hurt, and that’s not good. It shows you’re perturbed. As a man, you’re supposed to be unperturbed.

On my way home from work she called me and asked me if I was OK. I said yes.

“Why? What’s up?”

After a short conversation, I hung up the phone.

So again, I wouldn’t have brought up getting together because again, she’s been cold, and what did you do? You couldn’t take it, so you started pursuing.

Again, you got to read the book, dude. It’s free to read in the Members Area of the website. You got to learn the baseline fundamentals of what I teach because you are constantly making one mistake after another. You’re turning her off. You’re over-pursuing. This is what drives women up. Women like a guy that’s a challenge, and you’re easy as pie. I mean, you’re like stalking her, basically. You’re driving by her house at night. You try to maintain your composure. She doesn’t bring up getting together.

An hour later, I decided to test her attraction one last time for the hell of it, and I asked her out by calling her. She gave another excuse that she was busy. I knew then it was over.

Well, I wouldn’t look at it as it’s over, you over-pursued, and you’re clearly not following the book, but I assume you’re new here, so you got to get up to speed, dude. Stop making unnecessary mistakes.

So it seems to me that she only used me for validation and held onto me until she could find a replacement. It’s like she is afraid to be alone.

Bob

Well, it’s clear she doesn’t want to be alone, but as a woman, she’s attracted to masculinity and you’ve been displaying a complete lack of it. Again, the book will really make the light bulbs go off for you.

So what do you do in this case? You never call. You never text. If you see her at work and you make eye contact, smile and wave and then go about your business. Do not bring up getting together unless she asks you to do something or brings up seeing you. If she asks you, “What are you doing?” Tell her you got plans because she’s just fishing. It’s like, “Well, what are you doing tonight?” So in other words, if she comes over, “What are you doing later?” I would be like, “Oh, I got plans. What are you up to?” And then chit-chat. Unless she says, “Well, hey, we haven’t seen each other in a while. I’d like to get together,” then in this case, because you’ve already hooked up, I wouldn’t go pick her up, I wouldn’t go meet her out, I wouldn’t take her on regular dates. I would just invite her over to make dinner at your place. If she balks at that or tries to get you to meet her for lunch or to go meet for drinks, then just say, “No. It’s been a long week. I’m just in the mood to hang at my place. If you don’t want to come over and make dinner, then give me a call in a couple of weeks and maybe I’ll be up for meeting you out then,” and then just withdraw the offer because you should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.

Her attitude sucks. You’ve taken her out a bunch of times. Yeah, you got some kissy-poo, but all you got was blue balls. So you wasted your money. You wasted your time. She wasted your Friday night, which you let her do. Now you’re willing to give her a chance to hang out and convince you why you should give her another chance, but you’re not going anywhere. You’re not going to drive anywhere. You’re not going to pick her up. You’re not going on a date. You’re not going to lunch. You’re not going to a coffee break. You’re not going to sit on the phone for an hour. You know, if she does call you and want to talk and she’s like, “Well, I haven’t seen you in a while,” then just say, “Come over.”

At the end of the day, she needs to come to your house for the next three days in a row, make dinner, and as long as you hook up all three times, then you can meet her out and pick her up. So that’s what I would do if I were you, because you want to see your attitude shift. You want to stop putting all this attention into it, and if she comes over and you don’t hook up, then I wouldn’t have been bringing it up. So I would back off, dude. Like I said, it looks it definitely looks like she’s onto another guy, but the fact that she keeps checking in on you, she wants to make sure you’re still available in case it doesn’t work out with either the husband or Chad Thundercock or whoever she’s hooking up with, but I would make her bring up seeing you and getting together, and then only offer dinner dates for the next three dates at your house.

Again, she has to come to your house, all three dates, and you have to hook up all three times. If she comes over and you hook up two times, say she comes over for whatever reason, you don’t hook up that time, again, I wouldn’t ask her out or invite her over, but if she brings up getting together after that, then make a date again for a dinner date. If you hook up, then she’s got to come over for the next two dates. So you end up having for dinner dates at your house because you only hooked up once. So what it does is it makes the conditions of the relationship be sexual and romantic so you don’t waste your time or you waste your money taking a girl out who’s using you as a placeholder until Chad Thundercock is available to beat up her pelvis once again.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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